Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 2: Makoto

Finding myself in a little bit of a mild depressive funk, I took the opportunity to hole up in my room and watch through pretty much all of Makoto Sawatari's arc.

The slow motion intro shot here is REALLY cool.

The 2006 adaptation of Kanon really gives Makoto's arc a lot of attention.  She's introduced at the very end of episode 2 (around a similar time as most of the other characters), but since she's the first character to be explored in-depth (and moves into Akiko and Nayuki's place as a stranger), there's a bit more focus around her in some of the subsequent episodes despite attempts to balance that out by advancing the other girls' stories as well.  Things start to "get real" with Makoto near the end of episode 6 when Mai drops some ominous foreshadowing, and her arc begins "proper" with episode 7.

*gulp*

Before diving into Makoto's development (and spoilers), I did want to make some general thoughts I had as I reacquainted myself with the world of Kanon.

Every episode thus far starts with a narration, presumably the voice of [redacted], making some vague comments about dreaming, snow, time being stopped, and things like this.

Usually accompanied with the requisite "pretty snow" imagery, to set the scene

If you're already familiar with the story of Kanon, you'll understand the literal meaning that these words are alluding to, and this is one area where things are a little more clear upon second watch.  If you know, you know.  I found it especially surprising that the very first episode starts with some rather dark prose, after the OP credits roll:

A dream...I'm seeing a dream.  The dream I see every day.  The endless dream.

Red snow.  The world stained in red.  A small, crying child blocking the red sky.  I wanted to wipe away his tears, at least.  But my hands wouldn't move, and the tears trailing down his cheeks soaked into the snow, and...all I could do was watch.  It was so painful, and so sad.

It'll be okay.  So don't cry.  "It's a promise."  I wonder whose words those were.  The dream starts to fade to a different color.  Yes.  It's a promise, okay?

Like, whoa.  I didn't remember this at all.  But I think it serves to set up this theme of powerlessness in the face of loss.  "...all I could do was watch."  I think a lot of the anime explores this feeling.  What DO we have the power to do when we are faced with loss, and how should we respond in the face of it?

 

Moving on, we have Aizawa Yuuichi, our protagonist...

The interactions with Makoto go like this for a while...

He's a bit of an interesting fellow.  A little bit more of a jerk than I remembered, probably because I was probably just less sensitive to those sorts of things 10+ years ago (read: I was probably more of a jerk too, just in a different way).  While his prankster/smartass-type attitude works well for putting the girls (basically, his "harem") into cute situations, I do feel like this is a known complaint of Kanon, that Yuuichi is a bit too unlikable.

From what I remember, though, I do feel like he does start to mature, starting to be a little less apathetic and careless with his emotions as time goes on.  Makoto's arc, then, is definitely the beginning of this change.

Yuuichi, like Makoto, suffers from amnesia, but unlike Makoto, the amnesia is selective -- he remembers Nayuki well enough, but there's some sort of strange memory block around...well, a lot of other significant events that happened 7 years ago.  On a surface level, this is easy to understand as "repressed emotions/memories", but I think this begs the question, =why= did Yuuichi blot out these emotions and memories in the first place instead of confronting them?  Was it a conscious choice or was it simply a trauma response?

The opening monologues about "being stuck in a dream" of course mainly talking about [redacted], but I think they also follow along with Yuuichi's general predicament of being "stuck" in life.  He functions well enough on a day-to-day basis, but you can tell that he has some emotional baggage, and isn't really connecting with anyone much beyond teasing and making fun of them.  I do think that when we have undigested emotions, it can lead to us getting "stuck" in this way.  That's why therapy can be important for many people; it helps us spend time sitting with those emotions.  Not necessarily so that we can "confront" them as in battle them and "get over them", but just so that we can recognize them fully, so that we can be more present in life, instead of living our days "like we are dreaming".  This I think is the real significance of these opening "dream monologues".

Back to Makoto (and into spoiler territory).  She's presented as the "tsundere" type among the girls, having a mean streak and generally denying all claims of honest emotions (and more), but eventually softening up.  This type of character usually irks me a bit, but Makoto's case is different, because...Makoto is meowmie.

The true best girl in Kanon

I feel like Makoto's character is really unique because she can't just be summed up by the tsundere trope.  In all of her initial interactions where she hates Yuuichi's guts, sure, but I feel like most tsundere characters just end up getting to a point where they still get really defensive about their emotions, but manage to acknowledge their affection / emotions in sort of an off-handed way.

Makoto, on the other hand, really does a 180, and completely changes.  She becomes happy, clingy, weak, frail.

The simple moments are so precious.

This is another area of Kanon where I feel like knowing how the story goes makes things a lot more poignant.  I feel like on first viewing, it's easy to just watch Makoto and Yuuichi's interactions and write them off as playful comedic nonsense.  Maybe this is just my bias (if you couldn't tell, Makoto is my favorite character in Kanon), but knowing what happens to Makoto in the end, I think it changes my perspective on things a little bit, in a way that's fittingly appropriate to the Makoto's overall themes.  It makes me happy to see Makoto being energetic, even if she's being a brat.

When you know someone is going to disappear, how does it change your interactions with them?  How does it change how you see them?  How you love them?

What kind of cruel bastard could leave this meowmie behind?

I've lost people in my life before, but the only times that I've ever truly had to say goodbye to someone that I was close with have been with animals.  Having this experience in my life really gives me another layer of appreciation for the latter part of Makoto's story, which really focuses on Yuuichi and everyone else spending time with her as her existence fades away.  Here we can see the beginnings of not-a-jerk Yuuichi as he tries his hardest to make sure that Makoto lives out her remaining days in happiness.

Something that I thought was really interesting was the scene on Monomi hill where Makoto starts to realize the truth behind who she is, and Yuuichi shouts at her to "Don't remember!"

I think that on a surface level, this is about a fear that the "magic will be broken" if Makoto realizes who she is, and Yuuichi doesn't want that to happen.  But I think it's a little deeper than that -- Yuuichi just doesn't want things to change right now.  Being confronted by the impending loss of Makoto, whom he basically considers to be family by now, he just wants things to stay the same.

This, of course, is a choice that Yuuichi has.  If it was someone else in this same situation, they may have thought it more important that they express everything honestly.  To apologize for leaving Makoto (as a fox) behind all of those years ago.  I think to some people that apology would be extremely important.  After all, Makoto-meowmie essentially sacrificed her life and memories to come back because of that betrayal, right?  Realizing the truth of the matter, wouldn't you want to apologize?

But no, Yuuichi decides that the truth isn't important right now, and instead that he'd rather just see Makoto happy.  And that is his own personal way of atoning for the guilt, regret, and sadness that he experienced in the past.  That path is just as valid as any, and it's especially true in the case of animals, where we often can't communicate nuances such as beliefs, apologies, and such.  All we can do is try to share our time and emotions with them.  We ask ourselves both, what would make them happy, and what would make us less sad.  The answer is different for everyone.

Something else that's interesting that I don't think I really "got" fully on my first watch is the importance of Piroshiki the cat, in Makoto's arc.  There's this scene that comes sort of out-of-the-blue where Makoto, after warming up to Piroshiki, drops the meowmie off of a bridge (!) (luckily, she ends up okay).

"Animals are thrown away when they're no longer wanted.  Don't you think so? [...] We should send it back to the wild before it gets used to an easy life at home."

Of course, this is referencing the way that Makoto (subconsciously?) feels like she was tossed aside years ago by Yuuichi.  Afterwards, Makoto and Yuuichi break into an argument, with Makoto arguing that "It'll manage somehow", but Yuuichi demanding to know why she acts so irresponsible, saying "It could end up who-knows-where and die!"  This is probably the first time that Yuuichi is seriously angry at Makoto, which interestingly enough is conveyed by the fact that he =doesn't= hit her, but instead holds back his arm.

At the time, it hasn't been revealed who Makoto really is yet, so I think the scene is a little confusing.  The original visual novel foreshadows this in a more direct way, reading like this (emphasis is mine):

Yuuichi: "Really. It'd be better to take him home with us."
Yuuichi: "If he has somewhere else to live, he'll just go back there anyway. And if he doesn't we can keep him."
Yuuichi: "I'm sure Akiko-san won't mind."
Makoto: "That's cruel, taking a wild animal and turning it into a pet!"
Makoto: "We've got to send him back to the countryside."
Yuuichi: "You're the wild one..."
Yuuichi: "Besides, he isn't a wild animal."
That he's been cared for by people is clear from the way he's instantly become attached to Makoto.
Yuuichi: "You can't just leave him, it's too dangerous."
Yuuichi: "Don't you think you should be taking care of him, not threatening him?"

This is a really fascinating scene upon second watch. because one reading of it paints Yuuichi as a kind of hypocrite as he's the one who abandoned Makoto-meowmie a long time ago.  In a sense this scene is pointing out "Hey Yuuichi, remember when you abandoned your pet fox up on the hill?  Yeah, that was pretty messed up, wasn't it?  Oh, you don't want me to get rid of this cat?  That's really rich coming from you."

In both instances Yuuichi delivers the line "Crying isn't going to bring it back!", which if you know what happens later, is a bit of fateful irony.

This scene I think is weirdly flawed, I think dropping Piroshiki crosses a line that probably draws more ire than intended for Makoto (already a bratty character up until this point), and while there are a lot of subtle hints toward Makoto being animal-like in her true nature, I think the requisite context isn't quite there for the dialogue to land effectively, especially in the anime adaptation where it's a little less direct.  On first watch I think the scene at best just lends itself to Makoto being bitter at being abandoned in the past (we already know that she has amnesia), but I think it loses its real meaning in the irony of Yuuichi scolding Makoto for letting go of Piroshiki.

But the little mini arc of Piroshiki does effectively start to raise the question of what it means to "care" for an animal, and by extension, a loved one.  In the next episode, Makoto happily feeds Piroshiki some cold milk, but the meowmie ends up with an upset stomach, which Yuuichi scolds her for, saying "Don't just fuss over her.  Treat her with care."

Meowmies gotta stick together!

Yuuichi, of course, has to deal with this predicament himself, as Makoto quickly devolves to being incapable of much at all.  Later we get this scene where Yuuichi forces a complaining Makoto to stand still while he helps her brush her teeth:

Is this what you wanted out of your romance story?

I think I remember seeing this scene and thinking it was kinda just weird.  Like I sort of got it, Makoto is devolving to basically be a little kid (not that she was very grown-up to begin with...?), and this is sort of a nod to caring for someone in that kind of way.  But watching it again, this is much more evocative of the way that pet owners need to take care of their pets.  (If only cats would sit still while you brush their teeth like this...)  That just isn't an experience that I had had back then, but now...heck, I've used a toothbrush to clean my chickens' feet, so yeah, I get it now.  With pets (and I guess, with children), you're often having to do things for their benefit that they don't exactly enjoy or appreciate.  There's a sort of balance that needs to be had there, and that balance gets...tricky...when you know that somebody's life is coming to an end.

While I think the core of Makoto's arc centers around "How do you share time with a loved one when you know they are going to disappear?", there are other themes that are touched upon too, like dealing with abandonment and a fear of someone disappearing.  I think we've all been through some sort of abandonment in our lives; I think watching Makoto in both of her forms really evoked some strong emotions in me at what it felt like to be thrown away, or to have a loved one disappear from my life and not be able to find them.

One of the few times when I felt like marriage was such a sweet idea...

I think it's really interesting how viewing Makoto through the lens of a human being and viewing her through the lens of being a fox-meowmie can be different, and I think it's a really good emotional idea and execution to bring both of those feelings into this sort of story.  Because I think when a girl says "Marry me, so we can always be together", that's sort of cliche or almost cringey, right?  But when Kanon poses the question in a different way, "Do you wish that you can be together with your pet forever?" then you get a totally different emotional response.  Because OF COURSE we all want to be with our loved pets forever, no questions about it.  When we have interactions and relations with other humans, they often get bogged down by all sorts of history, conflicts, and emotional baggage, but oftentimes relationships with pets are simpler.  They remind us of what is really important when it comes to connecting with each other.

 

Episode 10 is where everything with Makoto's arc comes to a head, and an end.  It's an episode that I remember really well because it has so many good moments.

First, there's the scene where Amano meets Makoto.  Amano, the girl who already experienced the same kind of loss in the past, and initially doesn't want to become friends with Makoto, for fear of getting hurt again.

Really relatable.

There's a "tiny miracle" of sorts when Makoto -- who at this point only makes weak animal-like noises -- is able to remember, and speak, both her own name, and that of Yuuichi.  It's such a small and simple thing, but because Makoto is about to disappear, it holds special meaning in our hearts (or at least, it does in mine).

And the rest of this episode is full of this kind of emotion, too.  I found myself really tearing up as I watched Makoto spend her final happy days together with Yuuichi, Akiko, and Nayuki.

Extremely rare footage of Yuuichi smiling and wearing a tie...

As a ~20-year-old back in 2008 this photobooth scene in the visual novel got to me, because it spoke to the feeling of finally, finally having a desire for human connection fulfilled.  The feeling of being with loved ones.  Truth be told, I feel like it is only as recently as this year that I've been able to experience the exact feeling in the image above.

“Of course. This is what she always does. Just stand there, looking in, while others have fun. Waiting for everyone else to leave, and then taking a lonely photo by herself. A photo she’d treasure; a picture of a vision of loneliness.”

“She has emotions still. Most of them may be lost, but this can arouse joy still. Because she wanted this so much. She’s been longing to do this for so long. All she’s wanted has been to stand among a group. To bathe in the warmth and comfort of the bonds of human relationships. This tiny, trivial thing has been her fondest desire.”

But I think these sort of scenes also remind us what of what is important in life.  We don't always know when our loved ones will disappear.  Why did it have to wait until now for Makoto to have this experience?  And what is preventing us from creating these sorts of fond memories in our day to day lives?

Particularly heartbreaking is the scene where Akiko-san says bye to Makoto and then starts crying, presumably because she knows she probably won't ever see her again.

A mother's intuition...

There's a part of me that realizes that these happy experiences are only made more meaningful by the tragic backstory -- that's the whole setup of the "crying game", after all.  It feels extra poignant that Makoto is getting her warm fuzzy memories because we know that seven years ago she was abandoned up on that hill and cried out.  In a way, these happy memories are Yuuichi's way, and our way, of trying to make up for that time.

One might ask whether Makoto "deserves" this happiness.  She was a total brat for 5+ episodes, after all!  Isn't it a little messed up to get this sort of emotional satisfaction just because we feel bad for a wrongdoing to her in the past?

First, I don't think it's right to say who "deserves" or doesn't deserve happiness or love.  Of course, I think it is important for us to be very conscious about love and relationships, but I also think that it's essential for us to believe that love is not "deserved" or "earned".  That we are "enough", even without having to do anything special besides be ourselves.

Sometimes it's the happiest scenes that bring tears.

But more importantly, when it comes to end-of-life, part of the whole deal is that the bereaved are the ones who are going to have to live on and carry on the emotional feelings and consequences of what happens.  Of course, Yuuichi and co are doing what they think is going to make Makoto happy.  But they are also making the decision that they think they will be able to live with as they continue on with their lives.  Living without regrets -- this means different things for different people.  When Amano says "If there is something she wants, please let it happen for her", she also implicitly means "If there is something you feel like you should do with her, please do it".

</3

Surprisingly, I didn't find myself breaking down and bawling during Makoto's final moments.  Perhaps that is because I already remembered that scene extremely well, so I already knew exactly what was coming.  In that way, it seemed more like a formality that needed to be gone through.  Perhaps when I witness a loved one passing in front of me, it will be similar.  The actual grief and emotions will come not at that moment, but in all of the other small moments that happen along the way, and after the fact.

Makoto's story is, in a way, rife with what you might call "suffering/emotion porn", drawing you into a tragic situation to make you feel emotions for her.

...but it's also so much more than that.

It asks us to think about our loved ones, and our pets, and consider how we should be caring for them, not just at the end of their lives, but at every moment along the way.  It makes us wish that we could be together with them forever, while realizing that we never can.

Makoto is a bratty tsundere.  Her main outfit isn't remarkable.  Honestly, it's hard to consider picking her out as a favorite upon first meeting all of the characters in Kanon, and I think the first half of her arc is a bit too one-note before her character starts to change.  On my first watch, I think her story only resonated with me because I felt a kinship in her weak frail state -- as someone who regularly "lost the ability to speak", and found myself to shy to step forward into social interactions (like at the photo booth).

But somehow, my appreciation for Makoto is so much deeper this time.  (Would you expect any less, from a co-creator of "Goodnight Meowmie"?)  While her story is fantastical, it somehow feels extremely grounded in real experiences for me.  

The time that Yuuichi sits with Makoto on the hill during her last moments, simply ringing the bells on her wrist and talking to her.  Just being with her in the very end.  I once sat with a loved one of mine, in the hospital, a year ago.  Just the two of us, in the room together, knowing that it would be the last time that I ever saw her.  I wrote this about it:

I don't know if it made any difference, that I was able to see her one last time.  I don't know if she remembered me, if she remembered the song that I sang to her, remembered the song that I played for her.  I don't know if she felt glad, if she felt at peace, if she felt in pain, if she simply felt tired.  Of course, I would like to think that she remembered.  That she looked at me, and she knew that I had come back for her.  That I still loved her, and that she still loved me.

I don't know how differently it would have felt, not being able to see her like this.  Would it have hurt just as much?  Less?  More?

All I know right now is the sadness in my heart, and the fear that no one will be able to take it away.  I never would have thought that I would feel this alone without you.  But I do.  And it hurts a lot.

For completeness' sake I should mention that there's a different reading of Makoto's arc as being tied to the idea of how to face mental debilitation in our loved ones -- how do we care for and interact with those who are important to us when they can't effectively communicate with us effectively anymore?  While I think this is a pretty valid theme analysis of Makoto's story, it resonates less with me personally than what I've already talked about.

Maybe it's disrespectful of me, but I feel like I see just as much importance in Makoto being a fox-meowmie as I do in her taking the form of a human (probably just my bias toward the past...).  I think because of this it's easier for me to see Makoto's "auu..." self as being more true to her natural form, when compared to her bratty tsundere persona, which doesn't match how she initially was as a fox.  So when Makoto reverts to being more fox-like, it's hard for me to read it under the lens of her personality "disappearing", it feels like being happy together with Yuuichi like siblings or family (like they were when she was an injured fox) is really her true self.  That's why I feel like her tsundere-phase went on for perhaps a bit too long (though it's better for comedic pacing), I feel like the only reason she was that way was because she was still angry at being abandoned and Yuuichi was being thick-headed and didn't have a clue.

Well, that was a lot, but I have a lot of feelings about Makoto!  Don't expect this amount of writing for all of the other characters in Kanon, I think hopefelly there will be a lot less.

Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 1: Intro

I decided to take some time this holiday season to rewatch the 2006 Kyoani anime adaptation of Kanon.  I wanted to write down my thoughts as I go through each arc of the story, to help me process and think about it a little more deeply.

It's not Kanon without pretty snow!

I first watched this anime in 2008 -- though I had previously watched the Toei adaptation (released in 2002).  I had not played through the original visual novel until afterwards in 2010.

It's been a while since I seriously thought about Kanon, but it definitely left an impact on me as a standout anime during a time when admittedly the standard for what passed as "good" was much lower (both for me personally, and probably for everyone as a whole).  This rewatch was motivated by a confluence of different things -- a conversation with a friend, along with a viewing of a video essay entitled "Memories & Grief in Kanon", as well as the subject matter of my latest pixel artwork, which was drawn by referencing a scene from Kanon:

 

Good meowmie.

The aforementioned video essay really piqued my curiosity as to how I would approach Kanon upon second watch, especially as I've gone through some very significant and impactful life experiences since then, resulting in less of a one-note understanding of grief, loss, and these types of things.

Amelie Doree says in their video's premise:

The major theme of Kanon as I see it, is grief.  The pain of losing friends and family, of things coming to an end.  The regret we carry with us from our past, and how we choose to cope with all of it.  What do we do when someone we love is going to pass away?  How do we hide our pain and our scars, and should we even hide them?  Should we just forget about everything that's hurt us and what happens when we do?

"Are you crying yet?"

Kanon as a game (and anime) is structured as a "nakige" or "crying game", attempting to present endearing characters and then formulate emotional or tragic situations around them.  From Wikipedia:

The developers at Tactics created a simple formula for a game: a comedic first half with a heart-warming romantic middle followed by a tragic separation and finally an emotional reunion formed what is known as a "crying game". The main purpose of such a game is to make the player feel for the characters and make them cry due to emotional scenarios which serves to leave a bigger impact on the player after the game is over.

Kanon has always been my favorite of the three Key VNs (Air, Kanon, and Clannad); I think some of its characters, stories, and situations really stuck with me.  I've long since moved on from praising it as my favorite anime, or holding strong attachments to its characters, but I'm curious to see how I'll see it this time around, with a new perspective after 10+ years.

Of course, I can't really write about the major themes and points of the show without going into spoilers, so proceed at your own risk for the rest of these posts.  I won't be doing a per-episode play-by-play, but instead will stop to parse my thoughts after each of the major arcs in the anime.  I'll start with the intro and Makoto's arc, which I've just finished (spanning episodes 1-10 out of 24).

Yet somehow, even in these days, there are still things that I do that remind myself that there is still some hope, some compassion, some spirit left in me.  That I still bother sometimes, to do something special.

Sand Castles (2)

At the same time, I feel like it is essential, vital, even, for me to be close to people, even if only a select few.  Because it is that closeness that allows me to more readily open myself up to other viewpoints.  And it is shared vulnerability that allows us to gently remind each other that we cannot always understand others through our own tinted lenses.  Loving someone who lives their life in a different way than you, is something that can cause you the sort of existential crisis that both reminds you of who you are while at the same time teaching you about who you could be.  That is not to say that you need to love someone who lives in a particularly different way than you, because each and every being in this world lives differently.

"Why?"

You asked me this once.  Since then, I feel like I understand the answers more and more.  But I also understand now, that I have a choice.  I used to despair, because I felt like the only thing I could do in life was to build something and then watch it get torn down, grieve, and then do the same thing over and over again.  And no matter how much thought and care I put into building that perfect castle, the ceaseless waves would always come and erode it before my eyes.

I still build those castles, in the sand.  It's important to me.  But I've also come to realize that there are other things that are also important to me.  That blue fish in the water that captured my heart so much that I cried when it disappeared.  The sound of the stream, steadily trickling.  The stillness of a lake undisturbed.  The quietness that can only belong to the night air.

 

We are all building our own sand castles.  But it's not the reason we are here.

It's not really a good practice, I feel, to prop up your own ego by seeing yourself as superior to others.  Self-worth drawn from comparison just doesn't seem like something that is healthy.  But I think sometimes it can be healthy to come up against opposing viewpoints for the sole purpose of realizing that you so vehemently believe that they are wrong.  Sometimes it strengthens your convictions to be told something that you already know in your heart, beyond a doubt, is not right for you.

Earlier this year in the spring I went through a phase where I was really holding conflicting emotions that were valid all at the same time.  Having both positive and negative feeling about something and having both be justified.  Maybe it's the same recently, too.

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I got the main bulk of my Christmas stuff done!  I don't know if I will play Santa this year, there are just a few deliveries to do but mostly it's just a matter of waiting for things to ship, both from and to me.  I'm glad to have mostly pulled it off successfully despite starting so late.

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Rhythm Quest dev work has been taking a bit of a lull because I've been occupied with that, and other stuff, but I'm still chugging along here and there, as I always try to do.  I released a patch update the other day and been continuing to work here and there on custom levels and bugfixes.

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I play Gran Turismo 4 here and there, it's fun, though I feel like I'd be so much more terrible without abusing save-states.  I think it's not just the steering wheel, but the physics in the game are more punishing than in GT3 I think, the tuning and handling of the cars tends to make them just harder to turn in general, so careful attention must be given to how the cars are tuned otherwise it's really hard to get through the corners (and sometimes just gentle curves) well.

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I finally hit sub-50 in Super Metroid!  I had a run which seemed totally botched, but I picked up the pieces and tried to clutch together a PB -- it ended up being enough for a 49:45.  I can definitely do better with this route (KPDR), so I might give it a handful more tries so that I can put together a slightly cleaner run, but past that it might be time to start looking at Phantoon-first routes and seeing if I can manage those.

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I bought a Womier SK-71 to be given as a gift.  It's actually super nice; it makes me excited to get my next two (wait...when did I order so many) keyboards.  Overall it's solidly built -- it's aluminum and the stock stabilizers are actually great which is a welcome change from the keyboards I've been using up until this point.  It sounds nice, too, and comes in a nice blue color.

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I have a lot to be thinking about, I guess, this weekend and beyond.  I feel happy and bad and glad and sad.  It's hard for me, though, to put aside the nagging feeling that I've just been selfishly ruining things left and right over time, just a pattern that I see.  Of course, maybe it's just confirmation bias, like of course your mistakes are going to stand out more than all of the times when you just did okay, just like how it always stands out when you have to put away somebody else's dishes but you don't really think about the times when that happened for you because you weren't there to notice it.

Of course, even if it was a pattern, it's not like there is really anything to do from that information; I think I am fortunately past the point where I simply use that information to conclude that I'm a royal @#$!-up and am just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.  But it's frustrating to see myself fall victim to the same ignorance multiple times.  I think if it was something more like "being too self-deprecating" or "not strong enough to face vulnerability" I think it would be easier for me to stomach, you know?  But no, this is something more just like I was just thinking about myself and disregarded what other people might be thinking and feeling.

I mean, it is not like that never happened to me or other people before.  I'm used to being someone who quietly notices things; like when I was at a dinner get-together and one person in our group was too excitedly ordering things and didn't leave much room for our guests to have enough of a say.  But somehow there's certain things where I just screwed up a lot.  It's really not that good.

I went diving back into my time capsules to search for some tranquility from the past and this time the past reminded me of other times when I was immature and didn't know how to deal with situations properly -_-.  Well, somehow, that doesn't really dissuade or discourage me from continuing to look back for comfort.  Maybe history repeats itself sometimes, even if we fail in the same ways, at the very least it means that we will continue to learn each time, and be reminded that even though we made mistakes, things turned out okay in the end.

Sometimes I think about the mistakes I've made over the years.  Just all sorts of little and big ones alike.  There are some mistakes that I've been able to absolve myself for, because frankly, they were mistakes that I don't blame myself for in the slightest.  "Forced errors", you could call them.  I was put into a situation where it was all but understandable that I would fail.  Marching band was one of those times.  I did a lot of stupid things, but even stupider was the fact that the situation I found myself in set me up for failure.  Given the circumstances, I performed really well -- though, I seemed to have come away with more trauma than some of my other contemporaries.

Earlier this year, too.  It's not really that it was "not my fault" or anything like that, but I feel like I empathize with my past self in a way that, I would forgive them for not knowing how to come out of a painful situation with no losses.

Sometimes I end up forgiving myself because "I was too young" or "I didn't know better".  A lot of my earlier social interactions go into that placing.  Yeah, what I did really wasn't good.  But I still needed time to learn those lessons, and did not have the best of teachers on my side (to put it lightly).  There are even some really big mistakes that I made in the past that I think I can forgive myself for.

I don't know if it is all of them, though.  Sometimes I look at what happened and it's hard to not just come to the conclusion, "you should have known better".  I guess that is still something that can be treated with forgiveness, though.  Like I said in the beginning, sometimes you can carry two conflicting emotions at the same time.  It is accepting the lack and futility of perfection that allows us to confront our mistakes and begin to grow toward becoming something better than before.

In the past when I used to think more about self-rejection and worthlessness, I think it often made me feel that I need to try and accept others more readily, so that I can also learn that myself is worth accepting.  That I cannot stop judging myself unless I also learn to stop judging others.

Maybe when I make mistakes like this, it is not merely a reminder of the responsibility I have toward others, but also a reminder to accept the mistakes of others.  That forgiveness, like acceptance, is something that might also need to be given in order to be received.

=====

But separate from all of that, there is a loss to be grieved, a loss of something that I never really had in the first place.  I don't really know how I feel about it yet.  It is simultaneously something that wasn't important at all to me that I lost, but also something that seems like my world revolves around it.  I think the things that come to my mind when I think about my loss, is "do I really want to cling to this, too?"

After looking for Kiki's shadow for 10 years, I am not only wary but also weary.  But I feel like =hope=, =love=, and =faith= are the only things that are strong enough to remind me that there is still light in the darkness, if I will just keep on continuing to walk forward.  Even in those times before when I found myself in the clutches of despair, those things still reminded me to find the next light.  I'm no longer in those clutches anymore, but I find myself, again, being gently pulled forward by a voice, telling me that wandering through the dark is still worthwhile.

I know that I lost my anchor already, so I may as well continue to drift in one direction or another.

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Edit: I realize that a lot of my more thoughtful posts sound really depressing -_-.  I'm actually doing fine, of course I'm having a downer of a week, but the things I said about hope, love, and faith are still in my mind.  It's going to be ok.

I got my covid booster yesterday; thankfully the side effects didn't seem to be too bad for me this time and I was actually more or less fully functional today.  I had the day off work, so I just did a mix of chores, cooking, some letter writing, Rhythm Quest work, DDR, and some games.

I'm still playing Gran Turismo 4, starting to get into the higher ranked races now, which means cash flow is a lot better in general when I go for those.  Now that I have more money to throw around, I can afford more tuning on my cars, which in turn means the gaps in my tuning knowledge are starting to show.  I've been abusing save states as I race around, so thankfully I can still win series just fine, but I definitely ran into some stability/steering issues and there were one or two races where admittedly I had to either play it very carefully or just spent portions of the race galloping across the grass because my suspension really wasn't doing the right thing.  I think I maybe have been setting my springs to be too stiff and my ride height =too= low; luckily there is a very nice tuning guide that I've been taking some notes from, they also have a google doc cheatsheet with certified tunings for many of the cars in the game...

Super Metroid practice continues...it's funny that it took me not at all that long to come within a stone's throw of 50 minutes, but getting that sub-50 run is taking forever.  It'll come though, for sure, but for now it's just all about having more practice so I can get better consistency, especially around the boss fights.

I finished watching Initial D (First Stage).  It was enjoyable, but perhaps something I find myself thinking about an unexpected amount is the main character, Takumi Fujiwara.  He's a sort of uncommon protagonist.  You wouldn't think of it since he's got the whole plot armor thing going where he wins every race, so he might come across at first as that "natural genius" sort of character.  I guess to some extent he is, but at the same time, his "apathy" really sets him apart.  He's not some "super cool" type character who unleashes hidden powers, rather he has a genuine lack of interest in racing and the whole "scene" that his friends happen to be into.

And I think that's fascinating because to me it actually speaks of Takumi's maturity.  It probably doesn't seem so to most, because I think from the outside it's easy to see Takumi and see a person who "hasn't figured it out" yet, in terms of he doesn't seem to know what he wants, doesn't get exicted about things, and is oblivious to a lot of the "car speak" that goes on.  But on the contrary, Takumi is the only character in the series whose motivation comes purely internally.  He doesn't get drawn into wanting to win races because "it's the cool thing to do", he merely considers things based on what he wants.  It's easy to see this as aloofness because we come into watching Initial D as an audience who wants to care about racing cars and going fast, but honestly, I think it's a really big sign of maturity when you can avoid getting sucked into other people's opinions.

It's honestly something that I strive to do more often.  When somebody makes an off-handed joke or a negative comment, it's so tempting to just laugh along because that's socially what you're "supposed to" do.  But it really leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth when I think about it afterwards.  If someone makes fun of me for not knowing something, should I feel ashamed?  Should I defend myself?  Or should I question why it's supposed to be funny and why I'm supposed to know the thing?  A lot of the times when you hear these "jokes" they aren't actually funny.  Honestly, I wish that I could learn how to take them straight-faced and question them more often.

And that is why I feel like Takumi is..."mature", more so than most of the other characters in the series.  Sure, he's not the most communicative with his thoughts in general, but he's very honest with what he thinks, and he doesn't try to pretend to be anything he's not -- especially not to impress or fit in with others.  I like that.

Before the last race in the series, Takumi is shown doing a lot of thinking, and while everyone else is wondering how he's going to try to win; what the strategies are going to be, Takumi's mind is somewhere else.  "I wonder what will happen after this race?", he wonders.  And I just don't think anyone else we see in the series has the maturity to think about that question.  In their minds, winning equals good, and losing equals bad, so of course, you want to win.  There are all of these imposed reasons like "pride", "legacy", "looking cool", and "proving yourself", but Takumi is thinking more about his life as a whole, and what racing means to him, or doesn't mean to him.  And I think he understands that the true answers to those things are going to come from himself, and not anybody else.

I'm a little worried that if I watch the other seasons of Initial D that Takumi's character will just follow a very predictable development of slowly becoming more and more invested in racing and just find that he cares about it more and more.  Which is fine, I mean, that's very sensible I guess.  But I think that's only really satisfying if he finds interest in it for "the right reasons".  Internally-motivated reasons.

Xmas letters: 28 down, 3-4 to go.  Besides the fact that I'm behind on schedule, writing these has been nice this year.  I had a few in particular that I think were really nice to write.

It was an okay long Thanksgiving weekend!  Yesterday I achieved my goal of doing my monthly pixel art drawing, and today I achieved my goal of working on Rhythm Quest stuff.  I'm still overdue on a devlog post (not to mention a mailing list update...), but hopefully I'll be able to just squeeze that in soon.  I'm doing a lot of good work with custom level stuff (there is so much to do...), it's nice to have "good work" to do that isn't too entirely taxing on the creative front.

My new orb lights came in!  They're working really nicely to cozy the room up, especially at night.  Only real shame is that since they're mounted behind me they do cause a little bit of glare on the monitor, but it's really not too bad and there's not really a better placement for them.  I haven't really finalized what I'm doing with a bunch of the other stuff in my room, but progress is progress!

After somewhat of a rocky / false start, I'm actually sitting down and playing Gran Turismo 4, with the old racing wheel from my parents' place (that my brother got once upon a time).  I'm using some texture mods and shader reworks to modernize the graphics of the game a little bit (it really doesn't look as good as GT3 stock, honestly...), and am now working my way through the very early stages of the game where you have very little money and not a lot to work with.  Now that I'm actually sinking some time into driving with the wheel (and now that I actually have it working well), it's certainly been a new experience.  You can really feel the difference with the handling of the cars when you have force feedback for your wheel enabled; the fastest car that I have right now is unfortunately an MR that spins out really easily if you're not very delicate with it.

I ordered another TKL keyboard, haha, this one just because it was so dirt cheap at $59 for a gasket-mounted aluminum board, even comes with RGB.  It's not perfect, but what do you really expect for $59...?

It feels like there are a million different things to do....but I guess that's just how it is sometimes.

My main accomplishment today was doing a clean of my computer, desk, and cabling.  Well, I vacuumed the stairs and bathroom too, but that was secondary...

I gave my GPU some new thermal paste (overdue...I'm honestly not sure if I even did it the last time I opened it up) as well as got a whole bunch of dust out of it, which seems to have helped the temps on it.  I also just tidied up my desktop tower in general, but by far the biggest thing I did was to clear up my desk and try to organize all of my computer cabling.

I seem to be spending a lot of time doing online shopping (for myself...) recently, but honestly, I'm all here for it.  First it was mechanical keyboard stuff, then kitchen organization supplies, now desk products, and then...back to keyboard stuff xD.  But anyways, I bought a new monitor stand for myself, because the ergo stand that came with my LG Dualup didn't actually fit with my desk.  I had McGyver'ed an ugly workable solution, but found that I could just get a relatively inexpensive Amazon basics monitor arm and it both accomodates my desk and works just fine.  I was a little disappointed because a review mentioned being able to remove/disassemble the horizontal arm, and while I found how to do that, the bolts that I needed to remove to do so would NOT budge at all, so I gave up and just left the arm on, even though it's debatable whether I need it.  I guess it doesn't necessarily =hurt=, and if anything it makes the center of the desk feel more open to have the monitor arm off to the side instead of just being a post, so in the end I guess all's well that ends well.

The other big change I did was get all of the cables and lights off of my desk.  I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with my cotton ball and string lights yet (?), but having the cabling for all of that stuff on my desk was getting to be too much.  My big power brick (actually a power conditioner...) also used to be on top of the desk, which was sensible enough given that all the plugs are on the backside, but it was just adding to the clutter.

I was a bit conflicted on exactly where to put the power brick, but decided to just get some cable management supplies and figure it out later.  The thing is, I don't actually =need= my cables to be ultra-neat because I have desk cabinets across the entire width of my desk -- the tower itself and all of the cabling is behind all that, and inaccessible unless you move the cabinets.  Because of that I decided not to go for any sort of more expensive or heavyweight cable management solution like a power strip "bay" that you need to adhesive or drill onto the bottom of your desk.  Instead I just got a kit of cable wraps and various things to hopefully make some order out of everything.

I'm quite pleased by how it turned out!  I tried to get rid of some things that I didn't need (there was an extra SSD in my desktop that really had no business still being plugged in...plus a bunch of stuff from when I set up switching my monitor seamlessly from an OSX clamshell laptop to the windows desktop...and then never actually used that functionality), and in general just make sense of the cabling a lot more.  Again, it didn't really matter too much visibly, but it'll make my life so, so much easier whenever I need to do any work back there (plus it just makes me feel good inside).

The power brick just ended up on the floor...which is fine.  Maybe not 100% ideal since it's literally right by the heater vent, but eh; I keep that vent mostly shut and I'm sure it'll be fine....=P

Really though, I didn't have too many other great options.  I could have tried to put the power brick on top of the cabinets, tucked out of view underneath the desk, which would have really hid everything, but it would have been really awkward to cram all the cabling in that cramped space, plus if I ever needed to adjust anything or pull out one of the cabinets to get in there, it would be a huge headache.

Honestly the two biggest things that I did were just use cable ties (I used the velcro ones, but honestly you could have used zip ties in a pinch) to aggressively bundle extra cable lengths so it didn't just spaghetti everywhere, and then used big cable sleeves to group pairs or trios of cables together.  It's just nicer to have a single sleeve for bringing down the monitor power + video input together, for example, and then it can just split near the bottom wherever it makes sense to.

So that's all done for now!  There's still a lot of stuff to do in my room, though.  I have my new lights coming in soon (tomorrow?) hopefully, so I'll have to experiment with where to put those (might need to order an extension cable...), and then honestly I have to go through all of my drawers and boxes and see what makes sense to just get rid of and how I can reorganize my stuff.  There's actually still one or two cabinets in the kitchen that need organizing too, as well as a hallway cabinet, but eh.  One thing at a time.

Like I said, there's a million other things, but we can only do so much at once.  I'm quite due for another Rhythm Quest update, so I'll need to get to that, but I'm also writing my Christmas letters -- only a few more to go, thankfully.  And I've still got my monthly pixel art to take care of.

It's funny, I wrote today in one of my letters about learning a life lesson of needing to be able to sacrifice some things to make room for others.  The idea that you can't just do everything all the time.  Sometimes you need to let one thing go, even if it's just for a day, or a week.  You just do what you can, and try to pace yourself.  Sometimes you work on one thing, sometimes you work on another thing.  Today I wrote this blog post.  Tomorrow it'll be something different.  I'll try to either do Rhythm Quest or drawing tomorrow, at least one of those two things should get taken care of.  Heh, this is reminding me of how I heard from HealthyGamerGG once that there was research that was done on how successful students aren't the ones who =want= to do well on tests the most, nor the ones who most =need= to do well on the tests, but rather, it was the students who focused on scheduling how they would prepare for the tests.  Deciding in advance what they needed to do.  I guess I feel like that sometimes, too.

Things are ok!  I seem to have come down with a tiny head cold, maybe, but it's not too bad, thankfully...

Christmas letters are usually done by this time of year, but I'm about...2/3rds of the way through, only.  Well, probably less than that, since a lot of the ones I have left to write are the longer ones.  Just have to keep on chugging away at them, nothing else to do.

Rhythm Quest has been going "OK", just another case of "just sit down and do the thing".  Even if I only make a little bit of progress each time I do, that's perfectly fine.  I don't need to necessarily have another spurt where I work on it for a ton, I just have to make sure that I'm chunking away at it.

I'm enjoying my new keycaps a lot already (if only I had the actual board they will go in...), and have decided to just rotate switches once in a while; may as well, since I have all these different sets.  Currently I've been on the SP Star Magical Girl tactiles for a while; it's a refreshing change of pace to be on tactile switches again.

Super Metroid sub-50 will happen, I just have to keep on trying runs and eventually I'll nail one.  I have enough possible time save throughout that I can really make quite a few mistakes, as long as they aren't too major.  Even one kinda-bad mistake is probably okay as long as I can recover and play well otherwise, but...yeah, it's mostly just about stringing together a performance where I hit all of the big stuff and survive till the end.

Been enjoying running Risk of Rain Returns!  It's been a good long while since I played any RoR1; the release of RoR Returns actually caught me off guard.  There was an initial weird adjustment period where I was both rusty in playing the game =and= unfamiliar with the new changes, so everything felt weirdly "off", but I think I'm settling into the way that the new game handles a little more.  There are some interesting changes and tweaks to how everything works....nothing major, just little things like the ability to strafe while firing, or just the way that moving, shooting, and turning works in general.  It's neither good nor bad, just...different, I think.  Overall though I'm enjoying it; I can tell some things definitely feel better (sniper back-roll into charging a shot feels like it works much more smoothly, maybe I'm misremembering though).  There are some balance changes present for sure, but it's hard to judge exactly to what extent and how much.  But it's fun anyways!  I should fire up RoR1 once or twice to get a good comparison at some point.

I've been finding a way to enjoy myself at dance, despite it all, that's nice too.  And I guess, I am also doing my best to be beautiful.

I still play DDR here and there.  I'd love to get a clear of Start a New Day on expert double, but that is just not gonna happen for a long long time; my stamina can't even carry me through the latter part of the song at 80% speed...

What a nostalgic feeling...eating a past-midnight meal while watching some anime at my desk.  Before that I put the dishes away and reorganized just one or two things.

It's a nice feeling, knowing that I can still have these sort of times.  Part of me is tempted to see what would happen if I just went full night owl mode and flip-flopped my schedule, sleeping in the afternoons and evenings.  But no, I have too many work meetings for that to be feasible these days, not to mention being responsible for my household's meals.  Ah well.  That's probably for the best, anyways.

There are so many thoughts swimming around in my head.  I don't even know where to begin.

"What would Sayuri do?"  It's a question I find myself asking often when I am lost.  She is an idol of sorts to me, after all.  But it doesn't meant that she always does the "right" thing.  No one is perfect, because actions are contextual; what is "right" is subjective.  It's different for every person, for every situation.  Is the difference simply that Sayuri has the authorial benefit of the doubt?  That because she is an ideal protagonist, her actions are painted in a positive light?

I don't think so.  I think Sayuri knows what her "shortcomings" are.  But perhaps the difference is that she accepts them.  Well, she does now, at least.  Maybe not in the past, when she was more full of doubt.

I found myself asking again and again today.  What is the "right" thing to do?  Or is it nothing?  And then I asked myself what Sayuri would do if she were in my shoes.  My first instinct told me that she would do nothing.  But that's not always true.  There are times, when Sayuri would do something, too.

Of course, Sayuri is more perfect than I, at doing the right thing.  But maybe, one of the other differences, is that I simply believe that she is worthy of love.  But I don't always afford myself the same belief.  Why?  Is it simply because of the bias that I have toward Sayuri as a kindred spirit?  Or is it because I was told, by multiple important people in my life, in some way, that I was not deserving of their love?

I think I talk too much sometimes.  Even if other people think that I am too quiet.

I think part of the reason why I lost a lot of faith in myself earlier was that I was afraid I was too unwilling to budge on my own comfort for the sake of others.  I've known already, for a while now, that my cardinal sin is Pride.  It showed up so many times, even over the course of one day.  Maybe they were right, maybe I am just too "careful".

But as I thought about it more and more over the months, I realized that you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own ideals and comfort for others, right?  Of course, vulnerability is an important part of any relationship between two people.  I think some would argue that change is an important part of it too.  Well, you know how I feel about that second one already.  Is there not value in respecting vulnerability, in allowing people to stay safe?  To stay unchanging?

Isn't it ironic?  That people say to "find people who love you for who you are".  But they also say "you need to work on yourself first".  Aren't those two ideas at odds with one another?  I know, that in the past, I lacked the empathy to consider the consequences of my actions.  I was too steadfast in what I believed to be good.  And it was only later on that I realized what I had been like.  What is to say that I am not making the same mistake again?  There are those back thenn that said "I admire the way you are", but did they really appreciate it, or were they simply trying to get me to look on the bright side by saying something nice?"

Sometimes, you need to find your own way.  What is "good", but also true to yourself.  It's not always easy, and it's usually not what everyone tells you to do.  But when you find =your= truth, you'll know it, beyond a doubt.  At that time, the best you can do is apologize to anyone who is put off by your truth.  But you shouldn't feel apologetic, even as you apologize.  It is not your responsibility, not your duty, to live in the "right" way.  It is more important to live in =your= way.  The way that only you are capable of, and nobody else.

Blogging is great, really.  I always knew that.  It's no wonder why I used to do it daily back in high school.  Such tumultuous times...when I was forced into half of the things that I did, and the other half that I wanted came with so many strings attached to pointed needles.  Yes, I denied my sadness, denied my stresses.  I had to; admitting that they were real would mean unlocking the closet and letting them all burst out.  And besides, I had lost the key to that door, anyways.

=====

I set out today to do at least one of two things: work on Rhythm Quest or record a bite-sized rando video for ALTTPR.  I set myself to work on Rhythm Quest, so I guess by that metric it was a success.  I definitely felt myself needing to hurl myself over the hump of activation energy required to take a stab at working, but fortunately, all of the little bits and pieces are okay to work on.  Proceduralizing the task, as it were, is so important.  Trying to make X do Y is such a concrete and defined goal, it's hard not to just keep on going at it.  But it's important, too, to have the strength to get over that initial hump.

I wrote two Christmas letters, even did some research for my rando video, and spent another chunk of time sorting out a few of the drawers in the kitchen, so really I ought to be patting myself on the back.  Am I?  Honestly, maybe just writing out my feelings like this is more of a reward than that would be anyways.

I got a new (small!) foundation cushion to try; I like it so far!  I appreciate it being available in a smaller size, not just because it's cute and cheaper, but mostly because it's a product I've never used before; you'd hate to buy something and then discover that you got the wrong shade (spent a good deal of time trying to figure out which one to get...), or worse, that your skin doesn't really react well to it.  But...that's besides the point.  It's just one step along the way, but already, it helps me feel and look better.  It's a nice feeling.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week.  I have some small things to look forward to, and that's all that matters.  Find those small things.  Look forward to them.

There was never really a goodbye.  Not for you, or all those other people.  But maybe, now, I'm a little bit more okay with that.

I've gotten to another point in my life where I seem to not really be too excited about anything.  It's...different, I think, than being depressed.  Subtly.  Or maybe it's just milder than usual.  With depression I feel like there would be things that I know I would normally look forward to or enjoy, but then I just don't really feel like doing them.  But here, I think it's actually because those things that I looked forward to before, are a little less interesting at the moment.  It's not just a me thing.

I mean, don't get me wrong, playing ALTTPR is still always fun, and getting a little more acquainted with Keysanity mode is an interesting little challenge for me.  I just started practicing again to attempt another go at sub-50 for Super Metroid, which I know is within my grasp if I can put everything together.  And I can't seem to stop myself from continuing to go at the kitchen organization.  I see things that aren't in their place, and I just...want to fix it.  That's just how I am...

But there's nothing that's really drawing, pulling me in, you know?  Maybe that means it's time to find a new game.  Maybe that means it's time to find an old game??  I booted up the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 game for NES for a little bit today, to try and remember what it was like.  While the gameplay is not super interesting as far as beat-em-ups go (maybe I should have tried playing Rollergames instead??), the music is still as jammin as ever.

Maybe it's just time for some more Caesar 3, or trying a go at Master of Orion 2 again, or...god help me, X-COM: Ufo Defense haha.  Okay, maybe not that last one, but maybe something else, like Serious Sam?  I donno...

The problem is that I haven't yet managed to silence the voice in the back of my head (and in my Discord) telling me that there is still work left undone.  That I should be progressing more on my game, and that I haven't spent any time making the Bite-Sized Rando videos that I still want to get to.

I've been succeeding on many other fronts, so it's hard to get upset, objectively.  Those Christmas letters are rolling along, I've been getting a really decent amount of exercise in, my chickens seem to be doing well, and all of that.  Maybe the fact that my Baldur's Gate 2 playthrough lost steam, as well as my Gran Turismo 3 ventures, is not a bad thing; maybe I need to be putting my nose to the proverbial grindstone for juuust a little bit longer.

I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.  But usually when that voice nags me in the back of my head, I'm inclined to do my best to heed it.

I keep doing my best to push onward.  I wouldn't say it's exactly easy, but I keep on going nevertheless.

Will I be able to be beautiful?  Sometimes, I really feel like I have been.  Sometimes.

Anyways, I ordered some more skincare/beauty products.  Just aiming to add simple things at a time for now, slowly going and seeing what is needed in my routine.  Unfortunately, my skin seems to have broken out a little bit over the past 24 hours or so.  I can't tell yet whether it's because of the bb cream that I used or the face mask; the weird thing is that I've used both of them before, particularly the bb cream.  I'll have to pay a little more attention the next time I use either of those two products, I guess.  Sigh.  I guess it is never really too late to really learn about your body and about these sorts of things.

Trying out a new set of keycaps -- the ones that are going to go in my Cycle7 which hopefully will come in some number of months.  I'm excited about these!  They took some adjusting but they are really quite pretty and pleasant to work with.  They were definitely more clacky than I was used to, coming from the pom jelly caps that I have o-rings installed on.  But it's not unpleasant at all.  It's useful getting to try these since I think it made me feel like they should be used with linear switches.  I mean, I'm sure some tactiles would be OK too, but I think something delicate and soft seems to fit the aesthetic here.  I ordered a set already, but really cheap ones on a budget (otherwise I would have spent some more time deliberating, maybe even ordered a test swatch/kit).

I guess I am trying to just make progress on something, day by day.  Today it was taking care of my monthly pixel art.  Yesterday it was writing up a devlog post for Rhythm Quest.  I gave the oven racks a scrub, ran the self-clean cycle, and wrote another Christmas letter.  Like I said, it hasn't exactly been the easiest.  I wish it felt more exciting and automatic sometimes...I know it has felt that way at various points of time.  But you know, it's not always going to be like that.  Sometimes you just have to just keep walking forward.

I just finished writing letter #1500.  It took me 16.3 years to get to this point...here's to another 500 more letters in the coming handful of years...

There's been various things!  The stuff that I've been spending my time on is a little different now.  Not sure if that's just a temporary thing, but so be it either way...

The kitchen organization project is something that I'm continuing to tackle, at a slow and steady pace; trying to measure out things and figure out which containers are worth getting and which aren't.  It's great doing things incrementally in this way -- reminds me of how I moved into this house in the first place, which I felt very happy with.  Not that there isn't a certain satisfaction with spending a whole day getting a big project out of the way, but in general I think this style of working is something I'm more keen on.

There's been a lot of just plain "thinking" on my end about what to put where and what adjustments (small though they may be) to make.  It's actually been something I've been spending quite a lot of time on.  It feels good to be getting to it, though, it's something I've been wanting to start tackling for a while.  I've been referencing a lot of random images and "perfect pantries" online for inspirations, but I'm resisting the urge to just try and put every single thing in its own little container.  Maybe if I lived by myself, and knew exactly what supplies I would always stock on hand, but with four people in the household that's just an unattainable pipedream, I think.  But I think there are certain things that tend to become a lot more space-efficient or less unwieldy when put into containers or jars, and for everything that's not, it's still worth having some sort of system to optimize the space usage and try to enforce some order, otherwise everything just sort of spills everywhere.  Even if there is just a bin or two of "miscellaneous", it's still tucked away in a bin.

Like I said, the progress has been slow, but I'm optimistic at the few changes that I've started (not finished...) to make.  Just take it one step at a time, really -- there's a lot of different areas that I have ideas for, but they will come in time.  Most recently I just started thinking about how to tackle the fridge organization, which to be honest isn't terrible as is, but isn't super great either.  Our fridge space feels generally quite constrained, so I think it will be less a matter of dreaming up a system that works, and more a matter of trying to make small adjustments that still work within the limitations.

Over the past week I did quite a dive into Rhythm Quest -- specifically working on signal processing to do automatic beat detection.  This was kind of a silly undertaking as it really wasn't a priority for me to implement, but it was a fun little side detour for me to explore and really try to dive deep on.  Unfortunately I don't actually have much in the way of showing it off right now, but I'll have to integrate it properly and make some sort of (hopefully not too lengthy) write-up on that.

I've got a few other things that I've been putting off, unfortunately...letter-writing has fallen sort of by the wayside again, and I've got my monthly pixel art to do, and I've been meaning to get to some bite-sized educational content for ALTTPR.  All in due time, I guess; I've been quite busy just taking on housewife duties -- not only with the organization, but also ordering groceries, along with cooking two meals every day for the household.

Somehow my gaming time switched over from ALTTPR and SM (and some Baldur's Gate 3) over to playing...Gran Turismo 3??  After playing a racing game at an arcade I got inspired to fire it up again -- I had sunk some time into it back around the late 2000s, I think (that was around the same time that I was trying to practice a bunch of BtT and HRC strats in SSB Melee?).  It's been kind of fun learning how to drive in GT3 again (certainly a world apart from mario kart, be it SMK or otherwise), as well as get used to the cars.  I'm playing with save states to reduce the frustration of having to retry races after particularly egregious errors or spinouts, but that hasn't actually really diminished my enjoyment.  It's nice being able to fast-forward through some of the load times, and even some of the straightaways, too.

This time I'm playing with a bit of an adjustment in the fact that I'm disabling some of the automatic "assists" that the game turns on by default -- specifically, the Automatic Stability Management (ASM) and Traction Control System (TCS).  I'm playing with ASM disabled and minimal TCS, which does actually change the way that cornering behaves quite a bit.  With ASM if you throw yourself into a turn at high enough speeds you just sort of....stop turning and start skidding/losing speed.  For =some= cars (my favorite, the Toyota MR-S S Edition) this actually worked relatively OK, but a lot of the time I think it either makes it just difficult to turn enough, or alternatively makes it harder to really "figure out" the oversteer of the car.  Playing without these aids means if I go into a turn too hard then my rear just starts to fishtail and I start spinning out of control entirely, but I feel like that has been better than having the "unpredictability" of the ASM system kicking in mid-turn and sort of disrupting things.

Anyways, I've been having fun trying to earn credits, buy new cars, and compete in the various race series.  Cash is always at a premium though; I'm still waiting to get to the point where I can =actually= get a car that's tuned up well enough.  I've been just gunning on raw horsepower most of the time (and some tire grip / handling where I can), but I haven't had the money to throw around to unlock things like being able to customize the suspension and get lower to the ground and adjust all of the other crazy little things like the angle of the tires or whatever.  Maybe at some point I'll just throw all of the upgrades onto the dinky little MR-S and see how fun it is to drive.  I didn't actually use it much this playthrough, sadly (I opted to try the bigger brother, the MR2 GT-S), and its engine is rather lacking, so it probably isn't going to be able to win anything else for me that I haven't already done, but...I have a soft spot for the car since it was the first thing I drove way back when that felt like it handled nicely.  That experience really gave me a favorable impression of mid-engine cars!

Things are still alright.  I have a weird lack of excitement and motivation, maybe I need a dopamine break or something...but other than that, things are still good.

I started doing some kitchen reorganization, which feels great as I've been thinking of tackling that for some time.  Doesn't hurt that I get to buy some new organization supplies and such.  Snapped off some keycaps that I had been eying for a while while I was at it...

Recovery for my knee pain is going just fine, it seems like, I'm feeling pretty confident and optimistic about it at this rate, so that's real nice.  I played on a DDR machine for the first time in quite a long time the other day, it actually felt nice!  For most of my earlier DDR career I was just on soft pads and never got the hang of playing on a metal pad or machine, but now since I'm playing on my two metal pads mostly, it felt like a natural progression.  They feel a little bit different - the raised platforms make it a little interesting to feel out exactly where to aim for, but the tactile feedback is really there in a way that it isn't for my pads at home.  It's interesting.

Went to Golfland for the first time in ages, though this time it was at a different location than my usual place.  I didn't do terribly...got 3 under par for the second side, but I went back and dug up my old scorecards and my performance is definitely a bit shabby compared to those.  In my defense, the alternate course setup had some tricky hurdles that it threw at you -- deceptively sloped floors in various places.  Overall I think my hometown Golfland is better, but I did appreciate a few things about this one.

I haven't been to tea in a while, hopefully I can make it out tomorrow.  Perhaps I can try to get some nice productive hours in while I am there, too.  Maybe?  I have been losing some hours recently due to the sort of funk that I've been in.

Chicky seems to be doing ok!  She's got another checkup later this week, but I don't expect any bad news to come of it.  Good chicky.

I reworked my skincare routine, to pretty great effect...I had been thinking about trying to figure out some better skincare practices for myself and I think I've made some positive changes in that regard.  I have oily skin but the cleanser I was using was apparently just way too harsh and was exacerbating the problem.  I'm trying to keep things simple and using just a light oil-based cleanser now and it's been working a lot better for me.  I use a hydraluric acid thingy as well (and sunscreen when I go out), but for now I'll just keep things at this before trying to mess with it more.

I'm really thankful for some of the times I've been able to connect with people lately.  It's sad to think of how much I wanted these sort of relations and how hopelessly far I was from having them earlier in my life, but I feel grateful that I am here now and able to look back upon the long road that I have somehow traveled along the way.

Last night was one of those many-dream nights.  I usually take it as a good thing when that happens...feels instinctively like I'm hitting the good parts of my sleep schedule.

I had dreams about two traumatic periods/contexts of my life, one from high school and another one from more recently.  But in both cases, the people involved were different, and...the experience was entirely different.  I felt supported when I made mistakes, I felt excited and optimistic, and happy to be there despite encountering unfamiliar scenarios.

I don't really know what having those dreams means for me -- maybe nothing, really -- but it gave me a bit of extra perspective.  Reminded me of what it is like to be surrounded by people who are supportive and loving rather than those who are toxic and negative.  It is a real shame that it took me so long in my life before I was able to realize that.

Last night I also took advantage of the warmer weather to take my first nighttime walk out in my new neighborhood.  The feel of the streets at night are entirely different where I live now compared to the city where I used to live...it's not necessarily better or worse, I guess, just very different.  It feels much less "open", due to being in a more wooded area.  The air still feels very fresh, but I think just being able to see less of the night sky at once, makes a big difference in feeling.  It's a more interesting feeling; there's certainly more variety among the streets here, more to explore.  But it feels very unfamiliar, too.  It doesn't really feel like home.  Well, of course it doesn't.

But despite that, it still brought back a nostalgic feeling.  Being alone at night brings a unique sensibility that I'm well-acquainted with.  It reminds me of something important.  It can feel lonely, but in a familiar sort of way.  It's not really anything grand, it's just a certain feeling.