Saturday, December 28, 2013

Friday, December 27, 2013

Just pasting some things down.

Nearly all of the problematic characteristics described above can be attributed in various degrees to the ISFJs internally mapped and abstract view of the world not being successfully coupled to an appropriate level of Extroverted feeling. Without this rational external balance, the ISFJs opposing unconscious functions can wreak havoc upon the order and sense of the ISFJs perceptions and ideas. ISFJs are usually stable, certain, reliable and deft in their approach to life. But if unbalanced, they are likely to treat any point of view other than their own with a kind of cold dismay, and if pressed hard will tend to shut out the existence of problems caused by others differing attitudes and opinions. If the ISFJ does not learn how to deal with the wide range of differing world views they come into contact with, they can find themselves closed into a lonely little corner of the world in which only their own feelings of safety and certainty are maintained. This is a natural survival technique for the extreme ISFJ personality.
The main driver to the ISFJ personality is Introverted Sensing, whose function is to define the properties of and locate and recognise the sometimes abstract and innate qualities of and between the objects of the outer world. If an ISFJ's picture of the world is threatened by external influences, the ISFJ generally tries to shut such new information out of their lives. This is totally natural, and works well to protect the individual psyche from getting hurt. However, the ISFJ who exercises this type of self-protection regularly will become closed within a small and ever decreasing circle of those family and friends who do not actively disturb their increasingly narrow and rigid world view. They will always find justification for their own inappropriate behaviours, and will always find fault with the outside world for problems that they have in their lives. It will be difficult for them to maintain close personal relationships because they will have a negatively polarised and therefore limited ability to communicate outside of the box of their own security needs.
It is not an uncommon tendency for the ISFJ to support their ideas and values by using only the value judgements they make about the world and other peoples behaviour. However, if this tendency is given free reign, the resulting ISFJ personality is too self-centred to be happy or successful. Since the ISFJ's dominant function is Introverted Sensing, they must balance this with an auxiliary Extraverted Feeling function. If the ISFJ uses Extraverted Feeling only to serve the purposes of Introverted Sensing, then the ISFJ is not using Extraversion effectively at all. As a result, the ISFJ does not sufficiently recognise and sympathise with the way feelings effect the behaviour of others in the world to have a good sense of why things happen as they do. They see nothing but their own perspective, and deal with the world only so far as they need to in order to support their perspective. These individuals usually come across as somewhat judgemental and full of fixed and often rather ambiguously polarised ideas about the world. Other people are often surprised by the vehemence of their ideas and are usually unable to understand how they came by them.


I think the thing is that ISFJs tend to need emotional consistency in our lives, and when it's not there, we start to worry. We like to know that things aren't changing, because when certain things change, it really stresses us out.

When our inferior Ne takes over, we start worrying about all of the negative possibilities. This is especially bad when we don't have access to information. When we don't know something, we'll imagine that the worst case scenario is actually the truth. We do this because we like to be prepared for everything. Things are much less stressful to us when we know that they're coming.

It's extremely stressful for me to be unexpectedly hit with something negative, especially if I have to react quickly. When that happens, I go into panic mode, because I can't adapt to it quickly. So, I always prefer to know when something bad is coming, because that way I can take my time to get ready for it and stretch out my emotions over time.

So, when a bad thing is going to happen, I'd rather know about it as early as possible so I can prepare for it.

So the problem is that if I don't know if something bad is going to happen or not, I'm stuck...I don't know whether to try to prepare for it or not. So my default position is to try to assume that the worst will happen, and to start preparing for it. This is inferior Ne in a nutshell.

However, what the ISFJ Growth link discusses (and a few other MBTI books mention as well), is that as ISFJs, we need to make sure we don't jump to these negative assumptions without any proof. We should only believe negative things if we know for sure that they're coming. Otherwise, we're over-worrying about something that probably won't ever even happen. This has happened to me a number of times.

The past few days have been...alright.

Christmas came and went.  Somehow, I found it upon me sooner than I had expected...I was wrapping gifts last-minute, making deliveries without planning everything out beforehand.  I missed my deadline for E, which was sad.  There's one person I still don't really have a present for, and I don't know if I will.  I found myself remarking that I hadn't really gotten hyped up about Christmas this year, it seemed.  It almost seemed like I was a lot more excited about it a month or two ago, before we actually got here.  I was looking forward to the winter weather, and the holiday spirit, and seeing friends; people like C and B.  I did get to see C and B, actually, which was really really nice.  I'm going to spend some more time with them soon, maybe this weekend or something.  I really want to spend time with them.

I think part of it is just that the sudden burst of cold that we got kind of threw things off balance a bit.  But I think more importantly, I was sort of caught off guard by Christmas actually being here.  And I think that's in big part due to the conflicting feelings I've been having about...well, everything, but Christmas letters specifically.  I wasn't on top of my letters and my presents and everything because I simply didn't know how I was supposed to feel about them.  I'm still not exactly sure about how I'm supposed to feel about it.  Did I do the right thing this year?  I'm not sure.  I think that it's a mistake to go on like I did for all these years and write all of these letters that may be "meaningless" in the end.  I think that's a mistake.  But somehow the way that I did things this year feels so hollow in comparison.

My idol wasn't around for Christmas this year, which I was sad about because I would have liked to spend time with her during it.  But I did get to see her recently, so that was nice, I guess.  I was actually extremely happy to get a letter from K; she is definitely the person who has come through time and time again in thinking of me and writing to me, and that really impresses me.  I almost decided not to send her a letter this year; after all, can we really be considered "friends" anymore if we know so little about each other's lives?  But I wrote to her anyways, remembering how faithful she is in still writing to me, and I got another one this year too.  It's really wonderful.

I had a bit of a revelation about someone today.  Not that ground-breaking, but sort of a realization that helped me attain a bit of closure.  That sort of "realization" moment has happened to me before, when I decided that it was okay for me not to like dancing with a certain person, because I realized exactly what it was about them that made me feel that way, and I was okay with avoiding them because of it.  This time again, I realized something about my relationship with someone, and although it can't change how I feel about them, it sort of puts me at ease knowing that I understand why things became the way that they are now.  And, I guess, knowing that it's not because of a mistake or anything.

I've been spending a lot of time either doing relatively nothing at home, or spending time with my two guy friends (not together).  I finished both Mega Man 10 =and= FEZ this week, which is actually really awesome--it's not very often that I get to actually check games off my list like this.

Family gatherings are becoming a little less tolerable for me, I feel.  It's not anything bad with them; I just find that I can't handle it as well.

My new phone case finally came in!  I'm really happy with it, and so happy that it arrived.  It looks great, and lets me attach my charms to my phone too.  It just feels wonderful having a proper phone, now that I have a Little Twin Stars case and now that I can have charms dangling out of my pocket again.  Phones really don't feel right to me without charms on them; they really really don't.

My room was in disarray...has been in disarray.  I sort of cleaned up a good portion of it, but there's still some stuff that needs to be put away.  The bigger problem is all of the pencil boards, posters, and prints that have been falling off the walls.  I stopped dealing with them and putting them back on, partly because I got overwhelmed and just was busy with other things (no...more like I just got too lazy), but mostly....mostly because I don't really know what to do about it.  I don't mean that in a practical sense, like in "what should I do to fix this problem?".  No, I mean I don't know what to do with my room, and all of the decorations.  I don't know whether I should move out of my current place and just rent a studio all by myself so that I can have a different atmosphere, have a change of pace, have a "sanctuary" to my own again.  I don't know whether I should keep all of my wall decorations on, or start taking them all down and simplify my room decorations to a more normal state.  Or should I reorganize them all, taking some down that aren't important anymore, and taking down the ones that are hard to keep up?  I don't know.

Just like I don't know whether to get highlights either.  I keep talking and talking about it with my friends, but I never reached any decision or conclusion.  I thought I did at one point, when I was like "I've thought about this enough; I think I just need to go and do it.", but my mind still isn't sold on it, and I still don't know what color of highlights I would get.  I might just not end up doing it after all.  I don't know.  I really don't know, I'm sorry.

Today was pretty miserable.  I spent most of the day doing nothing, really.  I did some work, yes, but not that much.  I fed my friend's cats, which was good.  I uploaded the Match Girl OST, and I did OHC.  But the afternoon was totally wasted.  I was just sitting in bed, thinking to myself that I had no idea what to do or how to feel.  I stared at my room and all of the decorations that are falling off the walls, and I just didn't know anything.  And I thought of the Timm[ie] from 2 years ago, that knew himself so well, that was so confident and so peaceful, and awesome.  And I cried, I cried because I have totally lost that, and I don't know what to do, if I can get it back, if I should even get it  back.  I don't even know.

I spent the rest of the afternoon just sort of sitting and lying there feeling pitiful for myself because, you know, that's what I do when I get like that.  I wasn't really depressed, actually--I was just...-sad-.  I guess those two words might not have the same connotations for you as they do for me, but that's a difference that I felt.  The only other real thing I did was read some random things on the MBTI/Myers-Briggs forums.

I'm really sick and tired of this.  I don't know what I want or what I'm supposed to want.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Someday, I hope.  But not today.  today i am simply paralyzed

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Perhaps, the fact that I have this "capacity" for sadness, my "reservoir of tears", the ability to just feel like crying whenever someone holds me; perhaps it means that I have never been truly happy all of this time.  How pathetic.  And when someone else is sad, I would just think selfishly of myself, and how if they need a hug, I can feel better too, because I would get one.  And I would just spend time talking with people, all the while wishing I could burden them with my sadness.  Isn't that all my world is?  Just sadness, and inflicting it upon others.

When was the last time that I was happy?  Was it months ago?  Years ago?  Was it before I left college?  Was it in high school?  Was it before I separated from my mother?

That's a really stupid way of thinking, isn't it?  My world isn't all sadness.  It's dancing, making people smile, writing beautiful music, doing well at my job, learning to make friends, talking about feelings, having nice conversations, writing letters, buying presents, loving cloudy days, reminiscing about stories from marching band, ditching class, cooking, watching anime, loving Cinnamoroll and the Little Twin Stars, and being awesome.  How can I say that my world is full of sadness?  Is my world that short-sighted?  Narrow-minded?

"Who am I?"  Who are YOU?  Who are you, to be reading my blog and judging me, judging me, do you even know how much history is behind my writings here?  Do you even understand what I mean when I say "being Timm[ie]", when I say "sucks dirt", when I say "fickle!"?  I'm stupid.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

It's crunch time for xmas letters again!  I've got 11 done so far, and hoping to get maybe 9 more or so.  Jeez, 20 is FEW!  It's not really that 20 is a small number or anything, but more that sending out only 20 means that there's going to be so many people who I'm not going to be able to get letters to this year.  It feels really strange...

Monday, December 9, 2013

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Makes me cry every time.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Should I become a Hikikomori?

Isn't everything that I write in here sad?  What if someday I really am truly sad, and need help?  What then?  Wouldn't that just be the same as always?

For once, I actually thought about deleting this post.  I'm afraid.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

"The trouble with life is that sometimes it's just like building a sand castle. You spend hours and hours scrounging out every meticulous detail, all the while knowing that the thing will fall apart in the end. Then just as things are just where you want them to be, the winds kick up or the tide comes in and the half the damn thing disappears into the universe. Then you sigh and start piling up the sand again."
--Lewis Hom

This relates to the life crisis I had a little while ago ^^;

Monday, December 2, 2013

Let's embrace everything...not only the smiles, but the cries, too, the feelings of want, the loneliness, guilt, depression, anxiety, stress, happiness, hunger, shyness, courage, admiration, self-deprecation...don't hide any of it.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I'm not sure what to write.  Are words really a good enough way to convey emotions?  I guess that's one of the reasons I should try to learn how to draw.  Don't want to tell a story, just want to paint a picture.  But, how?

Sunday, November 24, 2013

I'm both happy and sad, but I know exactly why I am happy and I know exactly why I am sad.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Stood out on the field after watching the band kids.  Not my field anymore, not even close.  But it used to be there.  Went out and told the DM that she did a good job.  She probably had no idea who I was, but it doesn't matter ^^;  K actually recognized me this time, hah!

I was standing out there and I couldn't help but feel jealous of those kids.  Getting to march a show like that is simply wonderful, amazing.  Seemed even cooler than any of the ones I did, but I'm sure I'm not really thinking about it objectively.  Sure is cooler than standing up there on the podium and being DM, that's for sure.  Damn, why the hell did I give away my final year of marching?  Haha, no, I don't regret it; all the stuff that I could do as DM made up for it, but still, nothing really beats actually being out there.

Anyways, I was feeling jealous of them, but it just hit me today that being in Deca is almost like being in colorguard--hey, it's the one section I never got to be in through my years in band! (winds?  check.  pit?  check.  drumline?  check.  DM?  check.)  And it's like having 100% good kids!  Well, they're not even kids at all, which is probably why it's so much better, huh?  And hey, we even have great section leaders!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Back to the band room...once more.  They're having their final home show in about an hour.  I'd rather see them for senior 8s and such, but I might be doing OHC at that time.

How will it feel?

Friday, November 15, 2013

Don't ask until you're ready to hear both responses.

Big tech companies, why u make internet suck so much?

Hold me...just hold me forever...

I think that in at least some way, I was still right.  But I guess I've changed...I think this is the first time that I caught myself realizing that I was also really wrong in a lot of ways.

It's really weird to look back upon something that I felt so strongly and not feel that anymore.  I guess time really does a lot to you.  Time, and people too.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Can I just blame PMS?  I know it's not, but can I?  Why do I feel the need to, anyways?  I should be more honest with myself.  I don't like people who aren't honest with themselves, after all.  Isn't it a strength to be able to just say who you are and believe in it?  That's really funny.  It's really ironic, actually.  Because it wasn't until I started doubting doubting myself, that I started seeing other people just being themselves as being so admirable.  Does that even make any sense?  I don't know.  Why was I wanting to cry again?  Not out of sadness, surely.

My blog was pretty irresponsible, wasn't it?  Did you know that I used to identify as a misanthrope and a misandrist?  I was, too, I think.

Can you face yourself?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Trying to be perfect has always been one of my biggest imperfections :)

It's quite obvious, when I think back on it, why I felt so off-put about the ending of Pita-Ten when I first read it.  The ending is about moving on, about letting go, about new hope, and embracing the brightness that still remains in life even after the shadows.  But I couldn't accept that yet, because I myself wasn't ready to move on.  I still wanted to cling to the past, and I wanted to remain in that state...I didn't yet have the courage to look forward.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

There's a particular feeling that I get, when I'm experiencing something that I know is important to someone else.  Do you know what I'm talking about at all?  Like, if I was just reacting to that by itself, I wouldn't think nearly as much of it, or the same way, but somehow, knowing that it's important to someone, especially someone close, makes it seem really different.  What is that feeling, exactly?  Is it a feeling of, "I wish I could understand this, too?"  Or is it "Why can't I understand this the way that they do?"  Haha, it's probably the latter, because I know I've been stressing too much about these things, subconsciously.  It's so weird though.  I'm actually almost "afraid" (not the right word) to watch Miyazaki films because every time I think about it I get this sense of "what am I supposed to think about this?"  Like...I won't be able to find my own thoughts about it anymore because I'll be too busy thinking about what other people might have thought about it.  Does that make sense?

I'm not sure what to write, and not sure how I will feel when I'm finally back...but I don't really care ^^

Thursday, November 7, 2013

"If the world is round, then you only need to look at it the right way in order to be on top of the world!"

I said that once.  What happened?  What the hell happened?

I've had this feeling recently, that I don't have a direction.  It's weird, because I know things that I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I like and dislike.  But somehow, it seems like I'm just sort of going through the motions sometimes.  Have you ever felt that way?  I'm not sure what it is, really.  What do I really want?  Where am I going?

It's raining today.  The atmosphere is really different here.  It's quite beautiful outside, but somehow it feels different.  Somehow it's not a kind of beautiful that would make me go outside and skip around and breathe in the fresh air.  Maybe because it's foreign and unfamiliar, and there are so many associated thoughts swimming around it.

Why did I start drawing, I wonder?  It's fun, I guess, but really, what is my reason for drawing?  I told my idol once that my reason is because I saw other artworks that evoked strong feelings in me, and that inspired me.  Is that really the reason?  I wonder, sometimes, if I'm just trying to follow along.  I don't think that's it, but sometimes when I sit down to draw, I can't really figure out why I'm doing it.  I don't know what I want to draw, maybe.

The tempo of life is...I'm not sure where it is, actually.  I've lost a sense of time, of rhythm, of flow.  I don't think it's like life is moving too quickly, or that I've "lost my rhythm".  More like I can't seem to sync up; that I can't even sense the natural progression.  Things change, but am I feeling it?  It feels rather surreal.

That feeling of dread went away, I think, for now.  That's really a relief...I really don't want that feeling.  The thing that worries me about that feeling, too, is that it's so new and foreign and strange.  It didn't used to happen, so when I feel that way, it just makes me think like something is wrong; that I went down the wrong path somewhere.  What path am I on?

I wonder if I just need to try and find a way to smile and be happy.  Is that all that it is?  Maybe everything will seem so simple if I can do that.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Friday, November 1, 2013

Turns out that not only do I have to add <p> tags to the template, but if my posts are too short, FB doesn't infer them as the description for open graph.  Not only that, but I can't set og:description myself because I don't know how to get at the post content from the html header.  Soooo as a hack, I'm just inserting lines at the bottom of my posts.  Yay. -_-

I fixed the tags on my blog, so FB should parse the posts correctly when reading from the twitterfeed links now...

This feeling is coming again...I can feel it.  No...go away.  Please...just go away.  Save me...will you save me?  You will, won't you?  I don't want to ask it of you, but me from this feeling, will you?  It'll all be okay, right?  Right?

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Do you hate people who complain all the time?  Or do you envy them?

I don't want to be an adult.  I definitely don't want to be an adult.  They're stupid, and irresponsible, and they suck.  I don't want to be an adult.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


I don't want to give up...

I don't want to give up...

Is it really time?

You people can just go on ahead.  I'll stay here and be alone by myself.  I'd rather just stay here.  Maybe, someday, you'll come back to me.  Maybe, someday, someone else will stay.

Don't ever change, my idol told me once.  To change, is to die, to disappear from the world.

Today seems like the perfect day.

Nothing else should matter...

Monday, October 21, 2013

I started to watch Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight! again.  I was watching it a little bit yesterday and was totally in an emotional state so I was close to crying in points that I really normally would not have been.  I think I also empathized with a tsundere type for the first time...I really normally don't appreciate those types quite that much, but somehow, just thinking about it as basically a conflict between inner feelings of being included/putting yourself out there and running away, made it much more poignant.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Why am I so stupid?

I'm chained down beyond the point where I know.

I could be happier if I just learned to be worse.  Every unwritten blog post is another chain.

"Just stress out :)", that girl told me.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

"The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds is a return to the classic, two dimensional, top down games that the series had moved away from, resurrected on the 3DS. The game is a sequel to the popular SNES title The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and sees a new Link take on the perils of Hyrule and explore the evil that lurks within the alternate dimension known as the Dark World."

Okay guys, it's time to get a 3DS.

Friday, October 18, 2013

IM technology has taken SEVERAL steps backwards in the past decade.  Ugh.  *throws up arms*  Back in my day, we had sensible contact lists, groupings, text formatting, reliable offline message delivery that WORKS (and informs you of when it's being used), all in a nice little desktop client that conveniently resided on the side of your screen.  Even ICQ was better than this nonsense.


I know I've always said that technology has made it more difficult to connect with people, but I never meant it this literally.  Ugh!

Monday, October 14, 2013


Just a few.

A dance with Mirage, during I think the first class of Social 1 when I retook it as a follow.  It was then that I fully realized "oh man, switching roles in the middle of a dance is awesome!".

Many dances with Gerentt, including one tango in social 1 before we even knew each other, but one sticks out in my mind.  It was back before, when we used to dance more often, and talk about dance more often as well.  All I remember is that it was one waltz, at the very end of FNW--I think Richard Powers was DJ'ing--and we were amazing, it was such a rush, holy crap, we were awesome.

A lindy with Rachel that I think involved an incident with laughing too hard, and saliva, and more laughing.

The dance at the end of Big Dance, when I first truly met Acata.  Simply by chance that we found each other for the last dance.  It was like one of those dances when two skilled dancers dance with each other for the first time...but filled with so much more emotion.

Dancing Lullaby of Flame with Emily, probably the best I have ever danced to my own music.  Doing lead-goes-under, switching hands, right-to-right outside turn, swinging her with cross hands into a free spin and catching her by LEAPING into redowa at the phrase boundary was amazing.

Many waltzes to Breakaway, one of my favorite waltzes ever if not the most awesome waltz song in existence.

Dancing salsa with JJ--salsa??--to prove to ourselves that we could, because we were too damn shy toward each other.

Performing in the cross-step waltz competition at Viennese Ball, where I was "not supposed to be", I had thought.

Several accelerating waltzes with Danya, where we would conspire and coordinate to take off each others' hairties at the same time in front of Richard.  I remember making Tracey crack up one time as we were waving our hair together like that.

Almost every dance to "When Can We Do This Again", (except for the first time when I hadn't seen Wreck It Ralph yet).  One or two of them ended with me crying out of happiness afterwards as I fully realized how beautiful life is and how happy I should be if only I would look around me and let myself smile.

Redowas with Alex and Jane where the only thing that limited our speed was the other couples on the dance floor...including one where someone literally shouted "Crazy kids!" as we flew by.

Dancing with my mom for the first time at Friday Night Waltz.

Dawn Mazurka Quadrilles at Big Dance, where I went and -booked- it when the guys "let the ladies loose", leaping all the way across the entire room as Gerentt/Bob stood there going ".....oh crap"

Dancing with Rachel in her Viennese Ball dress, omg.  Yes, the super pretty one with the white bow, the white bow!~

A dance with Belinda, where it felt as if we were dancing not with each other, not with the music, but to something else entirely...

A cross-step with Yii Wen, the first time I ever fanned my partner while waltzing with them, using one hand for each.

The first time I tried to do the cross-step waltz mixer without a single variation repeat.

The time when I realized that reverse rotary waltz is the same thing as role-reversed mirror waltz...and that backleading regular rotary waltz is the same thing as reverse mirror waltz!  whoa!

Dancing with Lewis to the remix of Shadow's theme from the FF6 remix album, wow that was awesome.

Performing my Gangnam Style remix, the one that I had never really practiced except in my head where I choreographed doing pac-man arms, tetris pieces falling, the "pause" pose, the macarena, and damn I NAILED the orbital at the dubstep scream when I was glowstringing.

Dancing with everyone to my Erin Shore remix for the first time at Jammix.  Really proud of that moment.

Thank you.

I don't know who I'm writing to anymore.

I'm listening to The Black Box again.  I just want to run into it, like a security blanket.  I don't even "know" that the album will do something to me to help me or anything.  I just know that in the past, I turned to it when I had nowhere else to turn to, so maybe, knowing that, I'll be able to take some comfort in it.

It feels a bit scary again.  I managed to hide it from myself well enough, and was fine, but suddenly everything came crashing down and I realized just how far up I am here.  I know I won't fall or anything, but it's still so scary to not have my safe ground.  Can't really focus on anything or anything.

Don't want to think about it.  Don't want to think about so many things, just want to blot them all out, throw them away, shut them in the closet.  Ahh, I want to just throw it all away, walk outside into a cool, cloudy day, spread my arms, smile, skip around...skipping?  No, I won't skip; I'd just walk peacefully.  I want to hear from my two angels.  Want to hang out on campus.  Want to ditch work.  Want to dance.  I wonder if I should just go to dancebreak?  Or even WCS?  Ahh, but I don't think I have the strength to dance right now.  What -do- I want to do?  Draw?  Play a game?  Maybe I'm just pushing my body too hard, that too.  I don't actually even know that, because I don't know what "too hard" is anymore, only what is "supposed to be".  Ahh, maybe I should just write to that little girl; it always helps me, doesn't it?  It would be nice, to talk with my fellow ISFJ too.

Want to hurry up and meet Aivi and Surasshu.  Really...I want to give them their present now!  I really do...can't the time pass a little faster so that time can be here faster?  Can't it?  What shall I do in the meantime, do you think?  Let's...think of all the fun things in life, can't we?  Yeah...there's a bunch of fun things, aren't there?  Let's just worry about all of those, and not worry about anything else.  Come on now, don't make things hard on yourself; you always do.  Ahh, I'm sounding crazy now.  What happened to my blogging style?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I don't want to hide my sorrows.

I took my mom to Richard's class today.  It was so fun!  Dancing is...really fun, isn't it?  Both leading and following...they're both so much fun.  How could I ever choose just one of them?  When I'm dancing, being exuberant, and putting confidence in my own style...that is happiness.  I wish that I could just dance like that more often.  Ahh, but, I guess, it's necessary that sometimes I'll just dance like I'm more depressed.  I guess there isn't any escaping that.  I wish I could be happy, but, sometimes, I just need to be sad.  And I guess, I'm really bad at being happy, unless the sadness is pushed out.  That's why it makes sense that B talked about sadness as squeezing, like squeezing a sponge.  It has to be squeezed out sometimes.

I can only truly write about my own thoughts and feelings.  Not just in words, but in music too.  How else would I be able to express things, if the feelings aren't even mine in the first place?  I'm sure that it's probably the same for drawing, too.  Everyone is so good at drawing, really.  I only just started.  Really there's nothing that I've done that I should be impressed with, but I think, just because of the way I am, it's necessary for me to be proud of it, otherwise I'd get too discouraged.  Heh, makes it easier if there are little victories along the way, too.

When I first started writing music, it was like that too.  Well, maybe a bit easier, since I've been working with music all the time, so melodies and rhythm and everything came easily to me; it was really just the arrangement, synthesis, production that I didn't know.  But I was happy with all of those first songs I made, back in 2004.  You know, it wasn't until 3 years later, in 2007, that I made what I'd probably call my first song that was "quite good".  And it took years after that before I found the style that I have today (still changing, always).

Of course, the issue with music and drawing that makes them so much harder to learn than, how to dance, is that we haven't been watching people do social dance all our lives; but we've been looking at images, pictures, nature, and listening to music for a long long time; we know what is "good" and it becomes readily apparent that the primitive stabs and dittys that we make are...not.

I really have been so hesitant to write about this and have you read it, but I've been thinking about all the posters that are up in my room right now.  You know, the posters, the laminated posters, the wall scrolls, the pencil boards, all the decorations.  I don't know if you know, but these things will routinely fall down off of my wall.  Sometimes because I didn't affix them with enough sticky-tak or whatever; sometimes because of the changing weather; sometimes just because they decided to be stubborn.  Whatever it is, it's just a fact of life that I have to put these things back up on a regular basis.  It's just what I got used to; it was this was back in my sanctuary at Munger too.

And it makes me really wary now, because every time I can't help but relate it to my friendships.  How I have so many that I refuse to let go of, and I'm expending this effort to do that, the end, it's not even about the posters themselves; I just need to keep them up because I don't want any of them to fall down.  There'd be an empty spot in the wall, after all.

I'm getting less disciplined nowadays.  Sometimes I leave them on the floor.  I think that's a separate issue, really; one that I'm struggling with recently.  I seem to have a real lack of discipline, almost uncharacteristically so.  Bah.  But in any case, I can't help but relate all of it to all of these things that I've been thinking, about my so-called "friendships", and...and then I think about the Christmas letters that I'm just afraid to start, because I don't even know what to do about them anymore.  I've thought about taking the posters down, you know...but I don't even know what to think about it.  I don't even know anymore whether I want them up or down.  Heh...isn't that sad?  I actually don't know.  It's too many thoughts being confused together in a giant mishmash.  I can't escape my overriding nature, that I don't want to change, don't want to change, need to keep things as they always are.  But is that really right?  But then again, why would I want to take the posters down?  Aren't these things that I like?  When I think, "I should make my walls cleaner", where is that "should" coming from?  It's not me, is it?  Isn't that not quite right?  I can't tell if it's just because I'm thinking about what my idol would think.  And it almost feels like I'm letting other people down.  What would they think?  To hear that Timmie's room isn't filled with the things that it normally is?  That doesn't seem like Timmie, does it?

I don't think I'll write as many Christmas letters this year.  I feel so sorry for that.  I know that I don't have to apologize, because no one is expecting an apology; it's not really -them- I'm apologizing to.  I'm only apologizing because in my mind I already had a commitment to myself, that friendships mean a certain thing to me.  And I feel like if I lose that, I'm losing a part of myself.

I already lost parts of myself, though.  It's not quite so bad.  Ahh, I hate it though.  I really hate it.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I don't know if I actually fully believe what I'm saying right now or if I'm just saying it to be all hipster, but the problem I have with the whole "omg everyone is being sucked into social media" is not that people are staring at their phones all day.  No, that's not what really gets me.  What gets me is that everyone is staring into their phones and not really DOING anything.  That's really what I hate, especially when I catch it happening to myself.  You see, the whole "hey go away world, I'm going to lose myself in an electronic device" thing has been happening wayyy before all of this silly social media stuff and all that.  Heck yeah, I'd escape from that boring car ride, or that plane flight, or heck, even that dinner where there's no real reason for me to be there.  I'd escape into Mega Man Battle Network 2, or Trauma Center: Under the Knife, or Link's Awakening, or -whatever-.  And that's great, because sometimes, I just don't want to be here in the real world.  I just want to play my game and accomplish something.

The problem now is that it's turned into not really -doing- anything.  The problem isn't being engrossed in our electronic's that somehow, it feels like we're NOT engrossed in them.  If you're idly flipping through facebook, or checking your mail, seeing who's's like flipping through the TV channels, without any purpose, just because you happen to be sitting at the couch and couldn't think of anything better to do with your time and you're too lazy to get off your butt and do anything, even -sleep-.  In my world, email shouldn't be something that you "check".  It's something that comes at me like a phone call, and I deal with it.  When you "check your mail" for the umpteenth time in a row, it's not because you think there's going to be any mail there, but because you just couldn't think of anything better to do.

Part of it I think is the fact that I'm growing up now and have all of these other things I want to do.  I can't keep up anymore.  I've lost that battle, unfortunately.  Damn.

It's not -always- terrible, though.  You know, when I'm bored and I look at my iPod now, I actually spend that time reading through cooking recipes, because I'm trying to learn more and become better at it.

But yes, the point isn't that we're too absorbed in our phones...because we're not even doing that.

Observing the way that other people consume social media is really fascinating.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Sometime near the beginning of this week, I had a was set in high school again, and band again.  I don't think I was actually back in high school, just happened to be there, doing something, I don't know what business it was that I was among them.  But I saw a girl I of the good kids.  One of the quintessential "good kids", even.  And I called out her name, and we had a hug.  It had been so long since I had seen her; so long.

After I had that dream, I wanted to write that girl a letter.  I really did...I thought I was going to, actually, though of course I only have her address from two years ago.  Apparently the last time I wrote to her was in June of 2011.

What was I going to write to her?  Not that much...just that I had that dream, and that I thought that it meant I should write to her, and let her know that I thought she was a cool person.

Lately I've been having doubts.  Two years is a lot, isn't it?  And it's been even longer than that, since I actually saw her.  Do I really even know this person?  What would be the effect of my letter?  I talked to my idol about this, and really, I'm writing to the memory of that girl, not her herself.  Is that right?  Is that actually fair to the real, living her, of the present, that I'm using her as a substitute for who she was in the past?  Isn't that a bit fake, that I'm playing pretend, so that I can feel as if I can connect with something that in reality, isn't there anymore?

At the same time, I do feel that it's receive something from an old friend, isn't it?  People appreciate what I do, right?  Is that a good enough reason to keep doing it?  I don't know, actually, to be honest.  But I like my friendships to be commitments.  I guess it's a foolish way of thinking, but I guess part of me just wants to lead by example.  It's too sad to have friendships end like this, isn't it?

I once had a friend, who I ended up not liking very much, and they kept intruding onto my life after I realized it.  That really made me think about things...this person is trying to be in my life, but...I don't want them there.  What if I'm like that too?  That I'm being stubborn and trying to hold on to my connections with people, but...what if I'm just causing them trouble, in the end?  That really shook me, when I first thought about it.

It makes me cry, sometimes, when I realize how powerless I am against this.  Sometimes I'm really afraid...does it make a difference, the things that I'm doing?  And is it even right?  It makes me cry, because this is something that's so important to me.  All I'm doing is delaying the inevitable.  It was much easier before, when I could just believe that I really =could= change things, that I really had that power.  But I don't think I do.  I'm human too, after all, and vulnerable to change.

It's already time to start writing Christmas letters, but it just makes me really sad.  Thinking about it is really scary to face up to the truth.  Living in a fantasy world, with imaginary friends.  Is it really better for me to do that?  Aren't there other people who are running around and spending time together with real people?  That makes me a bit jealous, I think.  Thinking about all of it, makes me realize that I don't have friends like that anymore.  It got harder, huh?  It's really my own fault though; no one else to blame, I don't think.  Well, no, not all my own fault.  But I can certainly try harder, can't I...?

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Maybe I would have more friends

if I didn't focus so much on the ones that don't exist anymore

Friday Night Waltz has made me complacent.  Being friends with my idol has made me complacent too.  Seeing people at dance every's fun...but is that really how I want to spend time with my friends?

Still, always, need to try harder, need to try my best.  I need to...right?
It's about time to start on my letters for this year, but...I don't know.

What does it mean, to be "friends"?

Friday, September 20, 2013

Okay, this is something to learn from.  I want my Sanrio collectino to be organized so neatly like this!

Also omg so cute:

Let's see some other examples.

Also side note, OMG

also ahhh


I'm thinking about moving out of my current place...if/whenever that does happen, wherever my new place is, I'll really think about how I want to organize everything.  Right now is "okay", but looking at this, it really could be neater.

I think the thing is that I have so much stuff that's just posters and such, and it actually makes it seem a little less organized since the walls are all so cluttered.  I know that that's just a natural characteristic of my room walls, but I don't know if it -has- to be like that.  I don't care much for a some of the posters I have anyways, like the random old Naruto ones.  Maybe I can just pick a few of the good ones, like the Brave ones that I have.  And I can probably just take all the pencil boards off of the walls.  And I need more shelf space for my plushies!  Also all the face towels and hand towels that are on the walls...those really don't need to be there; I can find a better way to organize them, I'm sure.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Oh, TGM stick, I missed I missed feels nice to be playing again.

I don't remember when it was; I was out somewhere, with my friend.  I heard an parent telling their child, "Good job!"

I felt like I needed to cry.

I wish I could be Me

I wish I could be Me again,
the Me of way back when
I'd open the box of video games
wondering, "Which should I play?"
I wish I could go back
into that golden age
I wish I could be that Me
who knew how to have fun.

I wish I could be Me again,
the Me of so long ago
The one who had all those friends,
now, gone.
Oh, how I wish I could still see them,
and tell them, Hello
If I could go back,
I'd never let them go.

I wish, oh I wish, I could be Myself again,
out on the marching field
Taking care of my section, those good kids
I had something I believed in...something I fought for,
and everyone knew it, too.
I still remember that fateful night,
"Seniors, never forget."  That's right.
I wish, I could have another chance, another year
I'd do it all again, if only I could.

I wish, I could be Me again,
so peaceful, so quiet
My studio, a sanctuary
my life, bliss.
I wish I could live there again,
and sit on my bed
I knew who I was,
and, who I wasn't.

I wish, oh I wish, I could be Me again,
believing in myself without any doubt
I was sad, often, but I didn't mind
Everything was alright, everything was fine.
When did I lose it?  Where did it go?
How can I be Myself again?

...I don't know...

Friday, September 13, 2013

Haters gonna hate.  Hater-haters gonna hate haters =(

How can I expect to be nice to others when I can't even be nice to my own family?

Sometimes it really takes strength to do the right thing, even if it's simple or easy.  But it's important to try your best anyways.  My idol taught me that.

I wish it would rain....I wish it would rain and rain and rain...cloudy skies, indoors, cozy, in my room at munger, that atmosphere.

Missing you...

I had a dream where I was watching the band kids perform somewhere.  Apparently their field show was...a parody of a band rehearsal.  That was interesting, and sort of funny, though I'm sure it would have been really controversial, and probably not fitting the guidelines, and would rank really low, etc etc.  They did the whole drumline (movie) thing at some point, and I remember at the end of that sequence some guy unrolled a huge pack of sticks and just scattered them all over.  haha.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Life is, so, so scary.  I never realized it before, but I realize it now.  I'm not sure whether I should be trying to push all of the fear out of my mind and distract myself from it, or whether I should be convincing myself that it's not actually that scary, or just accepting it and focusing on all of the wonderful things instead.  But I'm so scared, so scared, I'm still really, really, really scared.

I am an artist, because I have a need to create things.  Music, games, levels, Magic sets, blog posts, glowsticking videos, dance variations, =whatever=.

But I'm an engineer because I start from my restrictions, not from my goals, when I create.  I don't think about what I want to create first--I start from what I -can- create.

...okay, that's what I -wanted- to say, but I don't know if the "engineer" part is true.  I think it probably has more to do with being an ISFJ-type and valuing pragmatism and things that are concrete and practical, as well as having a really strong tendency towards sticking with the things that I already know.

As I'm designing my MtG set, I'm definitely seeing restriction as something that's super-useful when trying to be creative.  Limiting your options means limiting the design space that you're working in, and that makes things easier.  That's why the color pie is your best friend when designing a set.  Red has to have direct damage spells.  Green can't have fliers.  Black gets instant-speed removal.  If you already know all this, now all you have to do is figure out what you want your red direct damage to actually look like (can it fulfill one of the themes of your set?).

Monday, September 2, 2013

Summer of 2013

You know, I used to do "quarter in review" posts, for the passing of each academic quarter and season.  I'd link you to the last one I did, which I think recapped my entire Stanford experience as well, but...well, Xanga is doing its whole Xanga 2.0 thing, so...that doesn't really exist anymore.

The thing is, I don't think I could really recap this summer (or even this year), even if I wanted to.  How can I?  So much happened, and I was overwhelmed at so many points.  Maybe I still am.  And I can't even talk about most of it, can I?

It's been tough.  Really tough, actually.  Life after college has been such a stark contrast to my 5th year, the glory year when everything was in its place.  But then again, I guess I may have said the same thing 5 years ago, when I was transitioning from high school to Stanford--I was lamenting the loss of my friends, lamenting the loss of fun classtime, took a few years, didn't it?

I want to say things are both better and worse than they were during those first couple years at Stanford.  They're worse in that I've been through worse times lately.  Granted, I went through some pretty stupidly bad times during, say, my sophomore year, but I don't think it was bad in -this- way.  It's not even a magnitude thing...I just don't like the "means" in which I've suffered through the past year.  It's a different kind of sensation.  At the same time, it's mixed in with really awesome times and lots of positive things, which there were not as much of 5 or 6 years ago.  So...

I've been working on my custom MtG set.  A lot.  I playtested a bunch of the cards on Friday, with a friend, and did some massive redesign work since that time.  It's actually super-exciting to see the cards that I designed actually functioning.

Fall is here, it seems.  The summer weather is fading, fading away.  I don't know whether to be sad, or to feel, that's not true.  It's definitely refreshing.  I really like cloudy weather, don't you know?

My self-confidence seems to be...rather shot these days.  I think...I think, I need to be working on it.  At the same time, I'm more outgoing...I'm having conversations with people that never would have happened before...they really never would have.  It's really scary and intimidating, but I guess I proved to myself that I can do it too, if I try.  Yeah...

It really bothers me, that I can't blog like I used to.  It =really= bothers just tells me that something is not right; it's not right.  What happened to all the thoughts and focus that I used to have?  It's really bothering, that I can't just stream out my thoughts like I used to.  I think this is a self-confidence thing too.  Maybe I just keep on stopping myself.  But I don't need to, do it?  It feels feels nice to be able to type-think, to let my fingers do the thinking and not my mind.  To just type =whatever= comes into my mind.

I talk like that sometimes too, when I'm in the right situation.  Just saying whatever.  It's's really nice.  Everyone likes talking about themselves and venting their problems, don't they?  I think there was a lot of negativity in my previous writing, but...I think it's okay, as long as it's not too much.  It's just...I need to be able to release my thoughts.  I want to feel -peaceful- with everything.  That's really what's important.  There's too much tension, way way way too much pressure.  It really needs to go away, this pressure.  I just need peace.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Woke up early today, for the first time in...gosh, forever.  The weather is so nice...can it just stay like this the whole day?  Will it???  Ahh, it's too much to hope, maybe.  But the clouds are so nice...almost like it's winter again.  Hey, I'm allowed to talk about the weather on this blog, right?  I can say whatever I want, right?

Looks like project Love Everlasting will be revealed in =November=, so we're going to have to wait another 2.5 months or so.  Sorry, Rachel!  It'll be worth the wait though, I'm sure.  Ahh, I'm really so excited for it...

Been trying my hand at designing my own MtG set, Return to Return to Ravnica, ha ha ha.  We'll see how that goes.

Might be going to Bad Boys of Swing tonight?  It's not too far, so I feel like I might as well go, assuming I'm not tired and feeling up for it.  My WCS is "okay", so it's, okay.

Seems like I regained my stride at work, which is really nice...

Ludum Dare is coming up this weekend.  Trying to keep it a low-stress deal this time, and make a smaller project.  I know I say that every time, but maybe this time will actually be the time when I -do- make a smaller project.  -_-;

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Apparently Xanga was successful in its fundraiser.  Cool!  Will we stay here anyways?  Probably...but it's at least nice that all of my old posts are still alive in their original form.

We'll see how this new home does for me.  We'll see.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Not sure what to write in here anymore, seriously.  I really don't know.

Well, anyways.

On Friday I went to visit the band kids at my high school...I couldn't go on Saturday since I was hosting my dance.  Everything was completely foreign...not just the kids there, but the staff as well, the field, the track, the fences...everything.  I walked around and made sure to stay out of everything, made sure I didn't make the same mistake that I did before of wanting to poke my hands into it.  It's not mine anymore; I have no business with it.

I went into the band room, just kind of poking my head around.  I was looking at the award plaques...even those are new.  The Edith Cegelski one...the one that was up there only had 2 names on it.  I don't know what happened to the old one--the one with my name on it.

Probably the only thing that I really recognized there was "Beach Is to Fun".  It felt pretty nice, seeing my book still there.  Heh.

It was kind of sad, just going there and not having any connection to anything at all.  This was such a big part of my life, you know?  It was one of my only real passions at the time.  The only person who I knew there was K, and...I didn't really want to talk with him.  He saw me in the band room, actually, and just said "Hello."  ...which meant that he didn't recognize me.  Which is alright...I look different now, and I again, I really didn't want to talk to him.  But I smiled to myself inside a little bit, knowing that he just walked past his former head drum major without even realizing it.

Saturday was the dance I hosted.  The setlist is posted here.  It went pretty well.  We probably had about 20 people or so show up?  So it was more or less like last time.  I'm not popular enough to get everyone to come to my events, which is okay.  I think it's just because of the kind of person I am.  I'm not, don't know, can't socialize with people.  It's okay.

The people who came seemed to really like it, so...again, more or less like last time.  So that went really well.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Project Love Everlasting: I'm on the finishing touches.  This is going to be so awesome!!!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Sooooo yeah, wrote music for 7 hours last night.  Felt great, was so fun, really really fun!  Really excited for this, really.  Man...really excited.

So easily influenced by others, even unknowingly.  Is this right?  Am I right?  Who cares who cares who cares I'm right, aren't I?  If I say so, then it must be, right?  Of course there are going to be times when no, I'm totally wrong and gee, how much of a jerk can I -be- with doing all of the things that I thought were "right",'s okay, huh.

Project Love Everlasting is nearing its final stages!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

You won't know where the line is until you cross it...?  Or at least, come close to it.  Best way to find the edge is to brush up against it.

It's funny...I feel like it's something I do so often and so second-naturedly in video games...I've complained before that learning how to drive is made really difficult by the fact that the penalty for screwing up is so high, so you're too afraid.  You overcompensate in one direction, so you can't just nail things in the middle.  Or something.  Well, I guess the real reason that driving is hard is because you don't have an overhead camera.  But I digress...

Friday, August 2, 2013

Xanga recap

Just for posterity, recording the final stats for my Xanga, which has lasted all the way from September 5, 2004 until June 11, 2013.

3759 posts across 3202 days, which is an average of ~1.17 posts per day.

Here are all the semi-interesting posts that I've collected throughout all of the years, along with their post titles or descriptions.  These links will probably become defunct soon, sadly. Starcraft bogus rants ultraminiantidismembermentationisminglationifyingology Speech & Debate = Tetris Attack Random Question Experiment Random Question Experiment #2 Kristina is confused I used to be so busy! Chris is weird LEM Brainstorming Even back then... Stupidity "Timmy Wong, how dare you sit in chairs?" 5x5x5 Liz digging herself into a hole AIM log results AIM log analysis Barriers *leaves at a more than moderate pace, very much faster than walking* Quotes from my Foothill math teacher Mass Internet Quizzes sin x / n Silly Parents... Cubes.  Lots of em. Long away messages Use a layer! "Now there's a mental image, eh?" Pretzels Chris is still weird Chem Lab #1 Chem Lab #2 "Protected call" "Cheeseburger without rice" Chem Lab #3 Chem Lab #4 The beginning of my trichophilia Toogle and Woogle Crazy Hair Day Cleaning solution Failures Contrast "Instant blog post generator" "Go suck your face!" "It's hard to be yourself..." "The hole -always- dresses the form." Self-Centered That's Fremont for ya RUINED MY LIFE Practicing Yes!!! Robitissun Drum Major!? News flash 2005 - a recap The Sleep War (1) Joseph Kelly and the Grand Unified Theory of All Techno itch sightreading be meticulous now... bad timing some philosophy Celebrity Jeopardy TODO: for Sophia Practicing (2) "I hate you guys..." Happy birthday to me Very cranky We could do it... What does Kristina know? Super-secret Third Way High G 173 Band Shows ikkitikkilikki Even in my -dreams-! 173rd day of the year Belinda's Entries and The Wrath of Love Sauce Jack of All Trades Yay Drawing Shortest Comment Ever Comparing Rubik's Cubes (1) Comparing Rubik's Cubes (2) Practicing (3) Etude in Fb Harmonic Diminished Major (Etude Impossibiliatoriagiarratoment) Post-It Challenge (1) Post-It Challenge (2) If coffee makes me tired... crap. Being Cool.  And Bugler's Holiday WTF. Song Lyrics No sleep because of band Kathleen's hair Definition Band being less personal, learning, and emotions Rule of thumb Superb logic "It was such a good idea!!!" "Now Mr. Kelly's down TWO soloists!!!" Parade DM Curse Pretending to Be a Bot I am the Man... NOOO!!! Shedding Fog Petered Out "Oh, Timm[ie]..." Last Night Rehearsal Ever Championships Highlights Happiness/Unhappiness Friends Good/Bad Admitted! X-Mas Cards 2006 Santa's Present Start of Glowsticking Misanthrope The Good, the Bad, and the Horrible Last Words "Suck dirt" Being Complex/Emulating Personalities DM Interview Questions "Thank the Lord..." Attitude Problem Stanford Application Essay Kenneth is Special Close Friends Ikkitikkilikki Trichophilia The B Letters Driving Forces in My Life Letter Delivery Crazy Texans... Thank You Stephanie Whoops. A New Interpretation of "Suck dirt" Junior Year Timm[ie] is Back! Pretty Hair Girl Being Different WP, and Competitions Rolling In Intelligence vs. Adaptation, Impulsiveness vs. Long-term Planning, Affection Winter "One Girl in All the World"/"All the World in One Girl" Pretty Hair Girl (2) Stream of Consciousness Paying Respects The Question I Hate Competitions Stanford Long Essay Feynman Quote bleh Davis Teachers, Stupidity, and Life Sucking Senior Portraits Admit Weekend A Dream Oops. My Music Folder She Knows Inspired Pizzown'd AP Bio Test DJing Fake/Being on Top of the World MOAR LINGS You Know You've Had a Good Practice Session When... Limbo Econ Ductmation Date What Would Parisha Do? End of an Era Being Timm[ie] Sunrise Loved Ouch. Immature June 22nd Adults Thank You Nice Guy My Mom Doesn't Sleep 40k in Tetris Attack Forgotten Appointments Time, Friends, and the World "wow, that's a lot of sex" Thank you Resa. pwn't Ordering the List My Mom Such Talented Artists This Happens Every Time AIM phail Letters, and Erasing Yourself Doubleshot (1) Doubleshot (2) Effects Processing Foothill/De Anza Classes "im going to shoot them" Friends Elizabeth's quote "Back to the band room..." Haven't Beaten this Since "Life is a rush" Hypocrisy To Do? Not Gonna Miss This Naturally Nocturnal "The Wondering Box" Writing About Yourself The Sleep War (2) Vista Tip (1) Sleep Paralysis Harry Potter Another Moment "Writing Timm[ie]", Yahtzee Time Textual Vent (1) Where's the Passion? Asian (1) Change Pet Peeve Kennethhh Negative Time Solve Letting Yourself Be Hurt Textual Vent (2) Textual Vent (3) Effects vs. Causes What If... Damn, I'm Good... Vista Tip (2) Chris Chang The Uses of JNetCube... Men (1) The Sleep War (3) Tension Lesson Learned (Audio) Compressors are Silly Someday Animorph Be Careful What You Wish For... Thank You Joanna's pf Making Stuff Sadness iTunes (1) iTunes (2) (He's wrong, and this proves it) Finally I Remember--This Was Mr. Nguyen from Chem Honors No Right Answer Rain (1) Relationships Rain (2) Acronym "Gung Hay Fat Choy", Connections IWBTG (1) Talking Cleared TTFAF Think You Can Do Better? IWBTG (2) Timm[ie] Vista Cherry Blossom Me Arguing iTunes (3) iTunes (4) iTunes (5) Raining Cats and Dogs Stupid People Friend Request "Simply the Best" Speaking Your Mind Ctrl+S DFTT Compliments Horse + Water Asian (2) MUSAK "Brawlnighter" TIRES DON EXITS Pro Tip Why Do People Care So Much? Fushi =( The Little Things Falcon PAWWWNNNCH "Melancholy" Sanrio Tagline Primal Instinct Fighting Games and Adaptation It's Not Nice (1) It's Not Nice (2) Fictional Universes Talents "Everybody wants to be a master" Cell Phones Star Control II (1) Star Control II (2) Sequence Break Treat Your DM Right Super Metroid TAS RBO DMs Styles "I'm not putting my lips on that." Surreal Metroid Games THWAP THWAP THWAP Super Star Summer Nights Ur-Quan I get that a lot. Vista Tip (3) TGM (1) Love Salmon Bot Educational Alias Murphy's Law of Tetris Hi Kenneth You know you've been playing too much TGM when... Screen Name Groupwork and Teachers 1% Rule And then it dawned on me. Belinda Hu is cool Kickass You'd Think... (Lie) Three Ways I Love Timm[ie] Vista Critique/Recc Letters Being DM Music Process/Noobs 1,771 posts Jake Gaming Awesome Face also urmom Game Criteria Guiness Sucks Mega Man 9 1425 days Olympics Studies show... Adventure Shell WUT UP HOMIES Band Band Camp is poisonous Catering to others "Just think..." Alakaiser Rule Good Grief. Billy Anderson #5: The One that Comes After Number Four Braid, "Casual" and "Mainstream" Games, Guitar Hero, and Smart People "!?" Name Every Girl TGM Update Epic Letter SoCo Doing Things vs. Not Doing Things, Advice, and More DM Stuff The Salmonbot actually has a point here Trance Exploratorium "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" Inside Tetris Jokes Flute Spin Another DM Rant Speaking "Secret Cue", Sleepless in Bio AP Rationing Your Time Flies Lovefest "No its Timmy Wong" CS vs EE Memories DM Instinct Boys are stupid Speedtypist Textual Vent (4) Perspectives on "Casual" Games vs. Serious Games Useless "fuck this shit." 7 Linked SNs Sleep Tip Weird Dreams Cinnamoroll<3~ College - My Verdict Thus Far Worst Class Ever Tyson Mao for Prez lulz "Chris Betts friggin pwns." "All signs point to CS." It's Okay. Negative Time Solve 2008 Mouse > Keyboard A Depressing Thought LINGS Computer cleanup Urges Don't Practice! "Do it for Phil, guys..." FTS Flies (2) Disappointing Campaign Ads It's over. Christmas Letters 2008 Lower Your Standards Too cute! Anime Log Presents ASCII Art Pwn Kanon 2006 Kanon 2006 (2) Christmas 2008 Notable Entries So Far Stanford Synopsis Sprite Comics Texmaster Sudden 377 Commentary 2008 in Review "It's like the opposite of 4chan" Trauma Center Complete NES Activities and Commitment CS and Writing Game Design Advice Static Electricity Tip Keep It Simple Stupid Death 391 Walls, Childhood Notes, Etc. Textual Vent (5) 25 gajillion facts about me Meme from Erica Shout-outs Facebook Shenanigans Scarred "My name is Timm[ie]..." Gifts and Letters Discretion I Hate You Note to Self Newton improvising on my songs More about kids Selected quotes from my mother Narcissu Start of Colemak learning Friends RSI, the final word / Trackballs vs Mice Diversity (in music) Selected Songs for Perusal Best Anime OP/EDs Yahoo Answers Fail Rut Anime and Stuff Shyness Shyness (2) Quotes Stressed Old Timm[ie] Letter Statistics/Calculations Spring Quarter in Review (also a plug for the FF4 album) Programming VG Music Shugo Chara Kickassery Caffeine Adventures uber-pro Colemak Performance chart qwerty effects Clarinet vs. Flute Kickassery Programming Worlds Game Design Colemak Success! Resolutions for Fall Quarter New Song Food For Thought (SNES games) New Song (2) FF Storylines Mortal Enemy Rant rant rant (online socializing) (see the comments on the original post too) Writing things off Another Colemak Update More on Animorphs Life Goals Commitment Storytelling in Video Games Lectures D2 Mod Craziness Endings A Little Snow Fairy Sugar--Impressions Stanford Daily Article Grade Freak School is silly Stanford Bubble False Promises Rhythm People Suck Moar Hate The Golden Rule Windows 7 / ef: a tale of memories / being unloved / responding to online things Feeling left out, Christmas fears, and OS-Tans Promises / This Quarter in Review Estimation Japanese Catchphrases, Christmas success KeyBlox v1.00 Released! Stood Up Keeping thoughts private / Nervousness / Thought Stack stalker goldmine "I believe in abstraction" Conducting Miyako's Phone Scene Why Fall quarter was awesome / assorted quotes Cyan Responsiveness Winter Break in Review Xanga > FB In Defense of Video Games Doubts about wanting to be a girl Type A + Type B combination This is how my day went Physics question Names 300 Letters Timm[ie] is back. Taurus/Aries Love and Soulmates People being important Break Free (overprotective parenting) Graceful Rejection Losta Stuff Lent Parents knowing better String instruments are weird Guy vs. Girl romance roles Heavy Rain / Resemblances to my Mother / Timelining New Friends Introversion / Room Decorations / Cuddling 1% rule, revisited Lateral - Word Association Game that Maps my Life in Graph Form A bit of a mind dump, also about feeling vulnerable Slightly Disturbing Dreams, Nightmares Quotes as of 3/19/10 Winter Quarter in Review Meaningful Dreams I WANNA BE THE FANGAME Norcal Tetris Meet 2 New Background - The Place I Belong Girly Ideal in Anime Girls RapeLay Controversy Ideal Romantic Partner Enneagram Type Analysis / Personal Growth Suggestions Your Face / Blogging / Social Dance "How do you do so much stuff?" IWBTFG finished. Happy birthday to me. (FB deactivated) Chiptunes Textual Vent (6) RCC Application Kimball Staff Rollouts, OHC083 Mac OS X First Impressions Ushio Busy Passive / Judging People / False Compliments Fanime, Part 1 Fanime, Part 2 Playing By Ear article "Atashi to Yuki-san ga onaji desu..." - My response to The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya Film Favorite Anime / Characters at this moment - Wandering Son / Horo Musuko MacBook stuff, girl-side traits emerging after puberty, Trauma Team Issues (vague) Search for love, more on issues Clannad After Story, emotional anime OHC089 Spring Quarter in Review (2010) Makoto Sawatari Multithreaded Life/Sitting Down, Trauma Team "good code" A Few Random Things / Thoughts on Trauma Team Family OHC090 OHC091 Running away from home Jaded Mind Dump - Fear of the person I love 2123 days OHC092, Ignition OHC093 On Instrumentation in Music A Note to You Flow State OHC094 Dishonesty Growing Up OHC095 Shuichi Nitori Controllers, Confidence, and more about "Flow" Xanga posts so far My Love is a Stapler Why do I want to Be Girl? OHC096, OHC097 OHC098 Computer Woes Sadness is Hard to Escape Stream of Consciousness Post I Am Otaku? / Thoughts on SSBM Characters GRE Scores, Colleges OHC099 Oh, how the Swarm has fallen OHC100 Summer Quarter in Review (2010) Fictional Characters I Admire What a Rush... (Kimball Staff) OHC101 Victimization Pushy People / Helping People / Band Run / New Golden Era CCRMA Sound Concert OHC102 Observations about myself Textual Vent (7) Observations About Myself Girl Names / OHC103 Pita-Ten / Happiness / Keep It Simple / Menstrual Cycle / Part of That World 30 Day Meme - 1 30 Day Meme - 2 30 Day Meme - 3 30 Day Meme - 4 Shia Made Me Cry... Busy 30 Day Meme - 5 OHC104 30 Day Meme - 6 Busy (2), San Jose Spirit of Japantown Festival 30 Day Meme - 7, 8, 9 30 Day Meme - 10 30 Day Meme - 11 / Romance Cycle 30 Day Meme - 12 OHC105 / 30 Day Meme - 13, 14, 15, 16 / CS107 / Jammix Dream / Guardian Angel / Standards 30 Day Meme - 17 30 Day Meme - 18 What animal best defines your personality? 30 Day Meme - 19 30 Day Meme - 20 Db-Db-Ab-Eb Rolling Girl 30 Day Meme - 21, 22, 23 Smarter Decisions / Benefit of the Doubt / Anime Destiny 30 Day Meme - 24, 25 OHC106 OHC107 30 Day Meme - 26, 27 Yume Nikki / Di Gi Charat / Koge Donbo Harry Potter / Cosplay Meetup Tomorrow Chrstmas Letters 2010 (planning) "Being Timm[ie] is a Privilege, not a Duty." Musical Emotion OHC108 Draw With Me 30 Day Meme - 28, 29, 30 OHC109 OHC110, OHC111 Thanksgiving Break, Norcal Cosplay Meetup November 2010 OHC112 Finals Week Luck OHC113 Recettear OHC115 SSBM Level-Up More on SSBM Revenge of the Titans Fall Quarter in Review (2010) Canvas 2, Kirby's Epic Yarn (2) Boy Side Talkativeness, Social Dance 1 Take 2 OHC117 Tetris vs. Speedcubing / Talking about Games Reading, Literary Painting a Picture vs. Light/Visual Novels OHC119 JHCompo - MAGFest Edition Popularity OHC120, thesimulcollab Popularity (2), Blogging/IMs Japanese Homework Jammix OHC121 Brawl Sux Viennese Ball 2011 OHC122 OHC123 The Enneagram, Revisited Animation on Display (AOD), Day 1 Animation on Display (AOD), Day 2 Pop Music Close your mouth, open your ears Irrational Fears Japanese Conversation Final Primal Scream Digital Vs. Analog Controls OHC124, OHC125, OHC126 Tsundere Side/Supporting Characters Magic OHC127 OHC128 Winter Quarter in Review (2010-2011) Less Time Cleaning Final Fantasy Mainstream music Natural Defense Mechanism Changing Social Circle OHC129, OHC130 Nanatsuiro Drops Video Game Music Quote Longing But...the Future Refused to Change. Confidence in Leading Kimball New Staff Rollouts Dependency, Letting Go, Tension Discography, Unjammix OHC131, OHC132 Strangers, Again This World Angel Hourou Musuko Anime Glowsticking Performance Forever OHC133 To the Follows Loved Love Language (revisited) Senior Formal, Dancing, You Belong With Me Big Dance (2011) OHC134 I'm a Bad Staff Member OHC135 Coward People who seem like they might be cool Arm's Length Try Harder Japanese Homework again OHC136 Fanime 2011 Social Media Is Ruining Everything On Crying / Feeling Like A Piece Of Crap Brainstorming Meaningful Online Interactions Single-Player Social Dance OHC137, OHC138 Early Christmas / Stepping Back / Ready Growing Up One More Thing (Imbalance in Relationships) New Beginnings Spring Quarter in Review (2011) Not going to take that anymore Tower of Heaven OHC141 Pop Music Lyrics, Rhythm in Dancing, Social Dance Social Circles OHC142 Dedication / Different Ignored Spambots are Better Friends 1% Rule, Yet Again The Fun of Sequence Dances Emotes / Growing / Dance / Introspection / Too Loud / Another Angel Souleye Quote OHC143 Google+: A Chance to Reflect Procrastination OHC144 Empathy / Connecting / Judgment and Social Pressures / Written words vs. Vocal words Google+'s Circles OHC145 OHC146 timeline.txt OHC147 So you want to be a grand master? OHC148 Concentration Social Media: What Am I Doing!? OHC149 Letter Writing FB Usage OHC150 Decomposition Indie Game Highlights - Value, Narrow, The Unicated OHC151 OHC152 Communicating, Speaking, Math, and what kind of CS person I am OHC153 Christmas Letters 2011 Advisory Dream Cry OHC154 Dumb and Smart OHC155 OHC156 Writing The Stanley Parable Pushback Pressure Connection OHC157 Abyss / Personalities OHC158 OHC159 OHC160 Posting Less, Isolation, etc. OHC161 Trance Expression OHC162 OHC163 OHC164 "From scratch" OHC165 Self-fullfillment in Games / parallel with society OHC166 Personality Types OHC167 Me Time Gamers Fall Quarter in Review (2011) Sorting Hat stuff OHC168 OHC169 Biggest Fan Prices OHC170 Disney Wholeness Sight or Hearing OHC171 I've got it down. That damned stigma about talking about games OHC172 Relationships OHC173 Falling OHC174 Makoto Sawatari (2) OHC175 OHC176 High Standards, Relationships, Validation, Dance as a Lens, Together OHC177 I will do my best to express myself! Asking questions, knee-jerk responses Waltz perspective Mighty Ducks CS248 - Best Game Disney Heroines OHC178 OHC179 OHC180 Katawa Shoujo Winter Quarter in Review (2012) OHC181 A different sort of language OHC182 OHC183 Stood Up (2) Timeline (2) Life without Social Media Girl of my Dreams/What I Want/etc. OHC184 Sword and Sworcery I'm such an ISFJ. OHC185 Friendships/relationships, Confident, Nice Guy OHC186 Big Dance (2012) ISFJ description Precious 4 people Fanime - Day 1 (2012) Fanime - Day 2 (2012) IWBTG (3) Someone Just for Me Fanime - Day 3 (2012) Brave Japan Day 1 Japan Day 2 Japan Day 3 Japan Day 4 Japan Day 5 Japan Day 6 Japan Day 7 Japan Day 8 Spring Quarter in Review (2012) Japan Overall Social Dance Music Going the extra mile Strobo Nights "Which Am I?" - Starcraft/Warcraft "Which Am I?" - Magic: The Gathering Why Do I Write Music? Figuring It Out Lesser Greater vs. Equal, Relations, Fear Ms. Lee's quote 2012 2012 (2) Musicality Drawing vs. Music DanceBit Teaser Perfection Emotions swirling around Catching Up Characters My Voice Music Writing, Passive Songs that make you cry