tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20163346476638322132024-03-29T01:34:36.084-07:00DDRKirby(ISQ)'s BlogDDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.comBlogger981125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-38407619091035244842024-03-29T01:34:00.000-07:002024-03-29T01:34:03.181-07:00Things are going alright, I guess!<br /><br />I finished watching Sousou no Frieren! There were a few points when I was a bit worried that they were taking the series in a different direction and sort of forgetting their themes and what made the show good, but I enjoyed it all the way through and overall it was one of the more enjoyable shows that I've watched in my memory. Really refreshing and covered good ground that I appreciated.<br /><br />Rhythm Quest work continues...I caught myself at this moment earlier tonight wondering whether I had done enough work on it today. Sigh...it's always an eternal struggle. The year is already 25% over, after all =/. Well, I'm doing a good job of trying to bounce back and forth and just work on different things here and there, I guess. I'm starting to work a lot more on bonus levels, which is nice because it's very concrete and fun to work on, but of course there are a ton of other things that need attention, too...<br /><br />Therapy and life in general have been going well I think! I had a pretty good couple of days this past week, feels like I've managed to empower myself to fix up some of the things that I've been unhappy with, and in general I think I've been getting more well acquainted with self-love and self-compassion, in various different forms. Not just the emotional spiritual stuff, but even just the day to day pragmatic taking-care-of-yourself kind of thing.<br /><br />Carnival of DEATH 2024 is upon us, and I've started trying to de-rust a bit in TGM so that I can hopefully put up a 500 (or even an M rank) in this year's Carnival. We'll see how I end up doing and whether I manage an M over the week. I'll just give it an honest shot.<br /><br />I missed this year's Journey anniversary due to being out of the country. I was considering the thought of perhaps doing a make-up journey, but perhaps I'll just skip this year. I think I've finally gotten to the point in my life where it no longer feels important that I catch every single thing that I usually commit to.<br /><br />Speaking of which, the next Ludum Dare event is coming up in just 2 weeks. It's been what feels like ages since I did one of these, so perhaps we'll try dipping our toes into the water again. We'll see, I guess?<br /><br />I'm slowly feeling the tendency to want to sleep later and later...it's something I'm now having to try and actively stay conscious of.<br /><br />DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-9681158418370539622024-03-20T00:46:00.000-07:002024-03-20T00:46:45.382-07:00<p>The trip went okay! I ate some good food, saw some cool things, etc.</p><p>As far as food goes, there wasn't any particular standout highlight, just a few good things. My takeaways are I might try to make Shkmeruli (a Georgian dish, with chicken cooked in a garlic/butter/cream sauce) at some point. I had a shrimp ravioli with a...(pumpkin-based? I don't remember) nice sauce that was pretty good as well, I don't think I'll be replicating that one but it reminded me that the flavor of fresh chives can really add a nice note to a lot of dishes. I had a really nice pasta alla forma there as well, basically spaghetti in a really creamy parmigiano reggiano sauce, flavored with porcini mushrooms. Reminds me that my cacio e pepe could stand to use some work...</p><p>We did a little indoor minigolf activity -- I basically crushed it, though the courses were a little small, so not a ton of "hard shots" (I made the really hard ones), more like testing your medium/short range putting consistency, which I wasn't the best at, but did well enough. It got me itching to go to out to Golfland sometime again. I visited the one in Castro Valley not super long ago, which was an interesting experience. It's been ages and ages since the one time I went out to the Milpitas one, it might be nice to find a time to go out there and see how it stacks up, and compare it to Sunnyvale (the baseline). Overall the Castro Valley one seems more difficult due to shorter banks, longer putts, and lots of slightly-sloped ground everywhere. I like the course design more at Sunnyvale overall.</p><p>I did a LOT of cubing practice over the course of the trip. I'm actually ~25s....ish....now, with some solves actually creeping into the sub-20 range, so honestly not half bad given that I'm still doing 2-look OLL. My PLL recognition and memory is still really sucky, but at least I managed to learn algs for all 21 cases over the course of the trip. Now it's just a matter of getting more comfortable with all of them. I also realized that I'm generally really slow on cross, that's something I tried to work on a little. And then of course F2L...I think I'm totally fine with just doing F2L with my trusty good ol solutions, but I realized that I need to work on efficiency and learning some better solutions for certain cases and avoid having so many regrips for certain cases. But anyways, it was super fortunate timing to get back into this for the trip, it really helped me pass the time well.</p><p>The plane ride actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it's because the last time I flew international I had a layover...? I did some cubing, played some phone games, watched some anime/videos, played some rando, got some sleep. Just casual chill stuff, nothing too serious. Honestly I felt pretty lazy about my time on the plane, didn't even pull out my letter writing supplies or anything. But eh, whatever passes the time, I guess. I lucked out and had an empty seat next to me on the way there, which was excellent. Unfortunately, had a big guy next to me on the flight back, but eh, made it work.</p><p>It's good to be back home, doing all the normal things, including cooking everyday, streaming rando, etc etc. My chickens seem to be doing better than before, maybe they're just happy that it's getting more sunny out. I'm actually sleeping somewhat normally due to jetlag, so we'll see whether I can keep that going or not. I basically didn't work on Rhythm Quest at all this past week, so we'll see if I can play catchup on that a little. I worked on it an "ok" amount today, maybe not as much as I would have liked, but I had other things to do, and hey, progress is progress.<br /></p><p>Been having a bunch of talks about friendships and such, we'll see if any of that ends up coming to a head in the near future I guess.</p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-9664042406946244332024-03-09T04:47:00.000-08:002024-03-09T04:47:25.890-08:00Let's take stock, I guess...<br /><br />It's been a week since the eventful night of VBall. I didn't do a full recap, but I somehow didn't really feel the need to, either. The vague words that I wrote already will have to suffice.<br /><br />Anyways, I'll be out for a week; we will see how that goes! As usual, I'm going in with tapered expectations and a hope to "take it easy" and have some time to myself to just enjoy a nice change of pace. I mean, I guess VBall was an example of life taking my "tapered expectations" and smashing everything around, so I guess anything is possible...<br /><br />It's been a mix of like, bad habits together with getting stuff done, but at least that doesn't really feel like a battle or anything like that. I keep on alternating between not getting enough sleep and then sleeping in a lot, but I guess that's not really anything new. We'll have to see if jetlag does anything about it or not.<br /><br />I finally finished putting together my 70-minute diatribe about Ice Palace routing, and came out of it with an extremely good understanding of what should be done when going through the dungeon, so I'm happy that that has finally happened. I still have to go and edit the captions on the video and publish it and all, but it's mostly done, yay!<br /><br />I felt guilty again about having neglected my chickies, but today I spent some good time with and around them, making sure their bedding was replaced and their food and water topped off. I'm not really too worried about them, but going up to see them daily is another one of these good habits that I'm going to have to make a more concerted effort to maintain, along with my morning skincare and just being on top of stuff in general.<br /><br />At least, cooking has been going well, as usual. I mean, of course, I have a few misses here and there, but mostly successes. I've been making more purees and soups as of late -- earlier today I did a chicken soup out of the leftover trimmings and bones from a whole chicken that I roasted the other night. I hardly ever make homemade chicken stock other than when I do poached chicken for hainan chicken; it was actually really refreshing to have. I tried a corn chowder as well, which wasn't too bad. I have been finding that the immersion blender I'm using isn't really quite cutting it for getting these soups and curries to really be smooth enough. I have another one that I'll have to try next time, but failing that the only options might be to just get a more powerful countertop blender, or just a more powerful immersion blender. Of course the latter is way more convenient, so that's ideal, but we'll have to see, really.<br /><br />Cubing has just become a thing that I do idly now, I guess. It's...still really weird to be doing it again. What's going to be really really interesting is when I actually have the new LL algs in my head and muscle memory, and then start actually being able to compare times to how I used to do. That will probably be a really fascinating experience. At least I've been getting lots of F2L practice, trying to develop newer and better habits.<br /><br />Well, on the plane ride I'll have my fair mix of things to pick from to do. There will be some rando, of course, probably learning a few algs if I can, and I've got some anime to watch if I so feel inclined. There's a bit of Rhythm Quest work to do, even, and if I'm feeling extra motivated I can even write some letters. I downloaded FF6: Brave New World as well, though it remains to be seen whether I actually decide to get pulled into playing that or not.DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-66084415893267954292024-03-03T05:05:00.000-08:002024-03-03T05:05:02.987-08:00<p>I guess tonight was life's way of seeing my plans, and giving them a giant middle finger, telling me that it can do better, and that everything I thought I knew so surely can also be totally wrong. And that maybe I don't have to be so goddamn cynical all the time, if I can only just put aside my standards and aversion to failure and open my life to a little bit of uncertainty.</p><p>Why do I keep on deciding that I have such a heavy burden to bear? Who asked me to bear it? Surely, not anyone else? I said in my last post that I felt that I was at peace. Perhaps that was true, but peace can come both from conquering your fears and also from hiding from them. That is not to say that one of the two is necessarily better, contrary to popular belief.</p><p>It worries me, a little, that the energy of hiding from my fears, of sitting back, of being quiet, calm, collected, and not needing to speak my mind, seems like it's becoming more and more lost within myself. I know it's still there, but somehow, in so many moments, a different side of me decides to emerge instead. That side is fine, too, but when will the quiet me ever shine strongly? Even if only for myself?</p><p>Well, that is a question for another day. For today, I consider myself a bit humbled. Maybe it's a bit fitting that life told me, in a similar way, almost a year ago, that I should be open to new experiences, and things that I might have otherwise written off. Of course, a bit after life gave me that reminder, it had also given me a different middle finger, and I retreated to the hole that I've been hiding in for quite some time. Oh, life.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-8764433766833094462024-03-01T05:21:00.000-08:002024-03-01T05:21:10.956-08:00<p>Today felt good!</p><p>I woke up a bit late after sleeping in. I might have caught a slight cold (?), maybe something going around our household, but it felt pretty mild, mainly just a little bit of fatigue (could explain why I felt more tired than usual lately, or maybe...just vice-versa). I didn't get any exercise done today, but I've been generally doing good with that elsewhere -- did a booty workout yesterday and played a good session of DDR earlier in the week. Checked up on the chickies yesterday and restocked them...</p><p>Anyways, I managed to start figuring out some travel logistics this afternoon, for an upcoming trip, including ordering a power adapter. Still need to do a few more things for that, most importantly making some sort of allergy card for myself so I can hopefully NOT have to use my epipen while abroad... and then making sure that I've got my laptop all prepared with a bunch of entertainment that I might want to have on hand. I'll have my fair share of things to occupy myself, not only on the plane but hopefully during downtime as I'm sure I'll want some introvert time to myself where I'm just not doing anything and am just chilling. I think there have been one too many times where I've gone traveling without really making a conscious effort to get some of that time in... anyways, I can do anything from working on Rhythm Quest, learning cubing algs, playing rando (of course), or perhaps I might even start a playthrough of FF6 T edition???</p><p>I also started working on a new Rhythm Quest level for the first time in quite some time (wooo). Not a new campaign level, but just a bonus level, as that felt more low-stress, and a good way to experiment with the newest mechanic. There's not really such thing as too many bonus levels for me to make, so this is a good way to feel like I'm making progress while also getting other people excited about the game (all they want is to have the game in their hands and see more levels.......) and make sure that I don't completely forget how to make levels. Plus it's just good to bounce around between different aspects of the project from time to time, anyways.</p><p>Made some good progress on that...didn't finish, but I had to transition over to doing OHC, which actually went quite well today. I had released my single yesterday and today I took care of the release work for my monthlies album, so really feels like I'm sort of firing on all cylinders as far as music work goes.</p><p>Made dinner as quickly as I reasonably could and spent some time with my housemates before doing a rando run. I still make mistakes here and there of course, but overall it went well, I felt like it was an interesting seed and for the most part I was happy with how I played it!</p><p>Tomorrow's another day; I'll probably hope to do laundry as well as maybe hopefully finish the brunt of the work on my new Rhythm Quest level. I still haven't started sitting down and re-recording that Ice Palace Routing video, sigh...someday, though. <br /></p><p>Viennese Ball is coming up soon! Fortunately, it's in the usual familiar location (more convenient and better for sure than the other one where we were last year). Unfortunately I have to make a pretty huge detour for carpooling purposes, so I'm planning to just pack myself a sandwich to eat while wading through traffic or something I guess, and I'll just change later when I'm at the venue or whatever. Honestly, changing at the venue is something that felt quite nice before; kinda just takes a bunch of hassle off when you can just show up in comfy warm clothes and not worry about anything.</p><p>Speaking of not worrying about anything, despite the minor hassle I already mentioned, I'm feeling...overall quite, erm...easygoing? About VBall this year. I donno, I mean I guess it's not like I was super stressed out about it last year (besides it being in the weird location...and a weird snafu where I wasn't sure if I could get my car out of the lot), but you know, in past years it was this big thing that I wanted to make sure I was all prepared and equipped for.</p><p>I won't be bringing my Journey outfit out for the ball this year; perhaps it's fitting then, that my attitude toward the event seems to have changed somehow as well. What are my hopes for the ball? Really, to just relax and enjoy myself, whatever that means. Honestly, that probably just means "trying to see if I can have fun being with people, or even by myself". That's rather nebulous, I guess, but I think it's because I've not felt that much of a need to invest in dancing as much as before.</p><p>I guess last year was a little interesting because I was in the middle of "figuring out" my dancing. I had been unhappy with the way that I was dancing for some time and was struggling to really land on how I should be or ought to be dancing. Of course, looking back on it, everything is pretty obvious in hindsight...</p><p>Perhaps something else that's different this year is, oh, actually, the event itself has some odd curveballs (rotary waltz contest at 1:00AM...?), but more than that, well...thinking about those "contests" themselves, I realize that I feel a sort of liberation knowing that I...don't feel any sort of responsibility to the dance scene any longer. I danced in many of those events (okay, maybe a little presumptuously), out of a sort of funny sense of obligation because, ....okay, I really don't want to get into it here.</p><p>I felt a sense of commitment when putting together JaSmix, too. Like I had this need to give back to the dance community that I had ostensibly been a part of so long (albeit a bit on the outskirts at times). But I...don't really feel that way anymore. I guess the passage of time sorta does that, maybe. Maybe it's because I feel like I already "paid my dues". Sure, I know that JaSmix was consistently a night with the best dance energy and music among comparison events that I've been to, but I no longer feel like I "need to" keep that going. If I want to show up in force, then sure, so be it. But what if I don't want to?</p><p>Like...what's really in it for me?</p><p>The shifting of the crowd I think is also part of what did it for me. Like, sure I can be respected or appreciated or whatever, but like, if I stop running JaSmix is it really going to be something that's bemoaned? Or are people just going to move on with their lives and nobody is going to bat an eye? People are interested in their own things. It'd be rude of me to presume what they may or may not want. If everyone really cared about the same things that I did, maybe I'd feel more of a burden of responsibility for making those things happen. But I think I'm starting to bring in learnings from other parts of my life -- learnings that frankly, people just don't really give a shit about the exact same things that you do. I don't really have to ask them about it; it already showed clear through all of their actions.</p><p>So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel sort of at peace with that part of things, when it comes to dance, and Viennese Ball, at least. The problem, perhaps, is that I feel a little less okay with it when it comes to life. But you know, perhaps I'm still learning to see things in different ways. How to accept that not everyone is the same as me, or each other. We are all different. It makes us so very alone, until we can find the ways to navigate and construct the bridges between us.</p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-45141547377504319482024-02-28T02:51:00.000-08:002024-02-28T02:51:29.464-08:00<p>Today was a little bit better than yesterday.</p><p>Things seem to be working out well with my new therapist! I find that I'm able to access my intuition well, which is great.</p><p>Unfortunately, my ALTTPR run today was a little disappointing; I didn't play terrible but made some mistakes, and got quite unlucky, so that never feels good. Eh, better luck next time.</p><p>However, I did work on a new art piece; that's always a good way to make sure I feel good about myself for the day. I'll probably give it another rough pass, but I think it's mostly done.</p><p>I had to take a nap in the afternoon...I didn't catch enough sleep on Sunday night and since then I've been playing catch-up. Tomorrow morning is my last wake-up-early day of the week, hopefully that will help.</p><p>How do I make sure that I'm getting into the right mode of living? How do I make sure that I'm working, comfortably, but also learning how to grow? <br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-66518646848818450692024-02-27T04:37:00.000-08:002024-02-27T04:37:51.008-08:00<p>Interesting...</p><p>I've never really written too much about attachment theory/styles here, it's something I've never explored at depth within myself, even though of course I already know what points I resonate with from attachment theory. I think perhaps more interesting is how that has changed over the past 5 or so years, especially after certain key junctures of my life where things changed, or I suffered pain in a way that caused me to critically reject certain parts of being.</p><p>When I said that I'm fundamentally different than everyone else and like that I used to think the world sucks and all that, it's like...I wasn't =wrong=, per se, I think that the world isn't all that it could be cracked up to be, but at the same time my visions of what things "ought to" (?) be like are of course unattainable in some regards too. I think there is some merit in my disdain of why things aren't "better" than they are, but at the same time the path toward "better" is probably not the one that I'm hoping for. There are many paths, some just less appealing than others, but some are still open.</p><p>I still have some projects to take care of. I'm not really sure honestly whether today was a good day or not a good day. I didn't really do that much, but I cooked my two meals for the house and I got a new PB in Super Metroid, so it's hard to call it a failure of a day, really. I did spend a lot of time doing not really that much though, and my sleep is all whack again...</p><p>Oh, that's right, my Cycle7 PCB replacement came in, so that keyboard is working now, but at this point I feel like I'm so sold on just using the Neo80 that the cycle7 has so little chance of becoming my main board. I just learned that the upcoming Cycle8 doesn't necessarily have to have the god-awful ugly slot on the right-hand side, so if anything THAT's the more interesting board for me, but.....I think I've really gotta cool it on the purchases for now; there is =nothing= wrong with the Neo80 for me, so I'm happy to just work with what I have. Not really sure how I'm going to be setting up the Cycle7 in general though, maybe I take the Cinnamoroll keycaps off of the WK870 and put them on there? I dunno...</p><p>To the surprise of....um, pretty much everyone actually, I ordered a new speedcube. Really surprised me, but spurred on by some good speedcubing content (really fascinating how much more knowledge is out there these days compared to 10 years ago) I've been messing around a lot, mostly with F2L, learning a much more modern and efficient approach to it, and that has been fun. Of course almost all of my PLL and OLL algs are basically out the window for me after years and years, but that doesn't really matter too much because all of the newfangled algs are probably better anyways.</p><p>Anyhow I decided it might be fun to try out one of these modern cubes and see how it can feel to drive one of them on a regular basis. I ordered one that was known for being a bit lower-pitched and quiet, it should be very interesting to get accustomed to it and pick things up again. I really never thought I'd be doing it again, I really intentionally hung up that hobby after I felt like I got to a skill level that I was satisfied with and was very uninterested in engaging with anyone from that community, and didn't appreciate being known for being into it either. It's really so unexpected.</p><p>But I have 13-hr flights coming up in a few weeks and you know, relearning a bunch of cubing stuff in between rando sessions and such really doesn't sound like a bad way to while away those hours at all! So that might work out as good timing, anyways.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-18811802980632518682024-02-20T03:58:00.000-08:002024-02-20T03:58:53.959-08:00<p>When I was in high school I used to think that I was just fundamentally different. I guess, most of the time, I thought I was better than everyone else. But there were plenty of times when I thought that something must be wrong with me, too. Maybe it's not an uncommon feeling. People have myriad different experiences and ways of living life and all of our parenting, schooling, and social structures were trying to stubbornly reinforce narrow-minded views on success.</p><p>I guess I don't really think that way anymore. Well...no. Maybe that's a lie. Sometimes...it does still feel that I am just different than everyone else. Everyone...just ships sailing by in the night sea. I can't tell which is more sad. If you all are the broken ones, or if it's just me.</p><p>But even as I lay "broken", I find that I cannot deny what I believe in. Even when the world tries to tell me again and again that what I am searching for does not exist, it doesn't matter. Even when I have lost "faith", it still doesn't mean that I gave up. Because it's too sad otherwise.</p><p>I wonder if someday you might understand, too. How sad your world is. Maybe it's just normal to you, because it's the only way you've seen things be. But it shouldn't be this way. It just shouldn't.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-91145577454208837372024-02-19T03:03:00.000-08:002024-02-19T03:03:18.865-08:00<p>You always win some and lose some! I've had some periods where I feel like I'm just succumbing to being really lazy and binging on videos or whatever, but then on the flipside I had an hour to kill while waiting for a call and I cleaned up some stuff in my room and vacuumed the floor and felt great.</p><p>I didn't really do a ton today but on the other hand I was out so I wasn't really supposed to? And then I also got my monthly pixel art done, so maybe it's fine?</p><p>Something really silly and random that I'm going to try and do is close to keep my closet door closed. It's a really silly and small thing but I =know= that if I do it it's actually going to like tangibly improve my daily well-being. We'll see how that works out. On the plus side, I realized that I actually had a free USB port open on my hub, so I swapped out the cable connector for my Neo80 keyboard with the wireless 2.4ghz dongle, so there's one less cable on my desk now! My mouse still has a cable, I could look into getting a wireless one, but I'm quite fond of the feel of my pink razer basilisk and there's no wireless version of that =/ I'd have to switch to a different model; wouldn't be the end of the world and would certainly help on the odd days when I need to carry my mouse elsewhere (like today) but eh.<br /></p><p>The bigger problem is my SNES controller which has a really long cable (at least I have it tied up). I don't really want that to be wireless though, so I don't really have a choice there unless I want to do like I tried to before and run cabling under my desk, but that has its own set of issues. Hmm...now that I think of it, I can just disconnect it at the adapter portion, so what I can do is have the longer usb mini cable connected directly to my tower and then running somewhere under my desk, and then plug into that, and then when I need to travel with it I can just get a shorter usb mini cable to use for it. Okay, that might be the way to go...</p><p>I wanted to try and work on my Ice Palace routing video but I looked through what I had recorded so far and I felt like I was talking at too much length about it. I'm going to just try and start over, rearrange some sections, and try to get through the content faster, hopefully it'll lead to a better video (and hopefully I can finish it...).</p><p>Bon Bon Ball actually went quite well, it was also pretty crowded! I didn't really feel that sense of unease that I did at Jammix except for the one dance, but for that it was actually normal. I really don't know what was going on last week. I guess I'm up to an above average amount of interfacing with the social dance kids lately because of all these events, but it's an okay cadence for me I guess. I have to make a silly little detour on the way to Viennese Ball in 2 weeks that will make things a lot more hassle for me, but hopefully traffic won't be too bad and I can just listen to something nice on the way. Probably just change when I'm over there. I have a couple of things I need to do for my outfit actually, need to handwash a piece and then I realized that I'm.........too skinny for one of my base petticoat layers to use it while dancing......so I'll need to fix that up, sigh. I better get on both of those before time flies by.</p><p>I mailed out a letter last Friday, so that was a small victory I guess. Only one. though...</p><p>Well, tomorrow is another day. Let's see how I can manage to get through it. If nothing else, I have a short work week ahead of me, so that's good. Sigh, thinking about Rhythm Quest work and all of these other responsibilities makes me feel weary, so let's not right now.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-87972920698724352762024-02-14T02:49:00.000-08:002024-02-14T02:49:59.557-08:00<p>Things are actually cruising along alright!</p><p>Dance - Somehow we had Jammix last Friday but also Bon Bon Ball on Saturday, wut? Jammix went pretty well despite being a little bit late to it, but on the other hand, I felt a weird sort of unease while dancing. Like I felt some sort of internal pressure to perform, a weird nervousness that I couldn't understand because, why? Very mysterious. Well, we'll see what happens on Saturday.</p><p>Life stuff - It's been not a bad couple of days, to be honest. I've been doing my best to get a bunch of different things done. I'm doing well with cooking -- mapo tofu, sichuan eggplant, hot pot, dry fried green beans, etc -- but I'm also doing good work in the "adulting" category. Closed some accounts that I had been meaning to, and I've finished my primary election ballot ahead of schedule. I even moved onto filling out my taxes, which somehow I feel like I have a handle on despite all the complications that I have this year (famous last words...?). I have a new therapist too which seems to so far be working out for me. The weather at least seems to approve, it was really beautiful outside today. Something for myself to remember is to recall the feeling of cozy peaceful working -- in my room, with some water or tea, with nice warm lighting, bouncing between playing some games and working on rhythm quest or writing letters...honestly, I didn't do half bad with that tonight.</p><p>Letters, though, that's something I've really been neglecting. The ghost of that activity is starting to actively haunt me; I know it's something I haven't been motivated to do very much at all. Granted, I always take a bit of a break in January or so, but it's no good right now. Now that I've done a good job taking care of some of this other stuff, letters is probably next on the docket. Well, there are a few other things hanging around in that space too, but letters is the most pressing one.<br /></p><p>Keyboard stuff - I spent some work meetings idly working on my Neo80 keyboard, which now has the PCB standoffs so I can do the o-ring mount method. I also ended up putting all of the foams in right now, so it's the most "deep" sounding that it can be at the moment (with these switches and keycaps anyways), which has been pretty pleasing. Of course, having the clacky sound isn't necessarily bad either. But right now I'm liking this at the moment. I retuned the stabilizers (getting better at balancing the wires...) but honestly the main thing to fix the ticking there was just to continue adding more and more lube haha. Anyways, I've been really enjoying typing on this board! I actually gave away my old one, just because I felt like I was accumulating way too many. The other cheaper aluminum build came in (very late...) and it's not too shabby; the one thing is that the RGB isn't actually up to snuff with my old board, and there's an issue where the shine-through keycaps I got for it don't really work super-well because it has south-facing LED slots, not north-facing (oops). No matter; I ended up putting my Cinnamoroll keycaps on there instead, which works just fine because the keyboard that those were on before has a nonfunctional key (maybe that socket is just broken, meh).<br /></p><p>Rhythm Quest - One thing led to another and I've been spending a couple of days wrestling with every gamedev's favorite thing to do - fight game engines and plugins just to get things working. (sigh) So, I discovered that in later versions of Sonoma on Mac, Unity games become unresponsive to input due to some weird interaction with the way that window sizes are queried, which changed in the OS update. There's a fix, but of course, I had to update my Unity version to fix that. Sooo, queue a bunch of huge Unity editor downloads (don't forget the iOS/Android/WebGL build support!), plus an updated version of the Nintendo Switch SDK, etc. Then test the project to make sure it still worked okay and it didn't introduce a million different bugs, except...what's this? Issues with the native/managed plugins, including the one I was using for file dialogs, the steam integration, and the discord one as well...sigh. Anyways, I'm finally at the point where I think I have at least all of the demo platforms working again (still need to test iOS + Android + Switch...). <br /></p><p>Risk of Rain Returns - For a while I had just been getting Judgement clears with all of the different survivors. I was stuck for quite a while on both Enforcer and Miner (both are pretty hard) but finally managed clears on those two as well. Thinking on it more, I had completely forgotten that you can store an equipment in the main game and then use it in the Judgment trials, that would have probably helped out a bit. Ah, no matter. Anyways, now I'm finally back to playing the main game and unlocking random artifacts and skills, but here and there I also want to try to get more golds on the providence trials since there's an unlock for getting 15 of those I think.</p><p>Oh I guess tomorrow is Valentine's Day? Am I supposed to write something about love or something? I dunno. I already talked to a bunch of people about my general feelings about that sort of stuff, maybe it's not really worth writing here. Right now I don't really have someone to place up on a pedestal. I mean, maybe that's sort of fine, like realistically any sort of down-to-earth two-way human connection shouldn't be founded on something like that, where one person tries to think of the other as being perfect. But I guess, like, without anything like that in your life, what is there to illuminate your world and inspire you toward something like love?</p><p>I got a little scared when I couldn't remember the title of a piece by Leigh Alexander that really stuck with me, but I was able to dig it up without too much of a fuss. It's called <a href="https://medium.com/@leighalexander/the-future-we-wanted-fd41e3e14512">"The Future We Wanted"</a>. Something I hope to read through again sometime in the next few days.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-53847308264355348072024-02-13T00:33:00.000-08:002024-02-13T00:33:42.050-08:00"Pure Heart"<p><i>straight on this long, continuing road<br />there is surely something to believe in<br /><br />like a traveler in the midst of the wind<br />I have my eyes on the northern sky<br /><br />the passionate feelings that were beginning to vanish<br />once again sway in radiance in my chest<br /><br />I don't want the tears to spill<br />as so not to lose to my weaker self<br /><br />in eyes holding only an unadorned spirit<br />there are great, unseen wings<br /><br />I open my arms while singing<br />to embrace the perpetuity of time<br />to be tied to life</i></p><p><i>straight on this long, continuing road<br />there is surely something to believe in<br /></i></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-13677132086021630522024-02-07T03:54:00.000-08:002024-02-07T03:54:20.868-08:00<p>I'm not feeling the best, so I guess I should try to write a little more, right?</p><p>I had a nice trip, but am feeling a bit "empty" since coming back. I think that just means it's time for me to find the excitement in life -- the things to look forward to -- as well as just making sure I have a good mix of the things that are good for me in the day to day -- healthy food, getting small things accomplished, plus treating myself.</p><p>I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to look at that tooth that I managed to hurt, so that's fun =/ Why can't my dentist appointments just be relegated to regular cleanings...?</p><p>Anyways, I put on the PE sheet for my Neo80 and took out the plate foam and it's pretty nice! Maybe I should have done just one and not the other, but eh, whatever. I'm going to have to take all of the switches off (again...) not just to try out the plate foam again, but because I forgot to install the standoffs on the PCB in order to try the o-ring mount. And then I =thought= I had the stabilizers tuned well, but there's still a little bit of a tick on the spacebar (better than before, for sure), and then I realized the other stab bars might need balancing too.</p><p>The stabilizers on the Cycle7 seem better, but unfortunately, the PCB itself seems to be....nonfunctional. Apparently this has not been a rare occurrence for the Cycle7, maybe they cut costs on the PCB in order to get the low price point. Anyways, the good news is that it was pretty easy to get in touch with support and have them ship me a replacement; now I'll just have to see if that ends up working or not...</p><p>What else? Um, I dunno. I'm still a little behind on some of the things I should be doing, I guess, but I mean, that is all to be expected. Right now the things that I can look forward to most is maybe like...keyboards and rando?</p><p>Oh, right. I was going to write a little bit about Momodora: Moonlit Farewell. It's been too long since I played Momodora: Reverie Under the Moonlight so I'm unfortunately not sure I can give a good comparison, but Moonlit Farewell was............okay, I guess. I guess I can't judge it too harshly because I see that a lot of effort was put into it, it just feels like...it sort of misses the mark for me, and maybe others too. The plot is rather unmemorable, there are some minor pacing issues in general, but probably the part that felt the most unsatisfying was the combat, which is a real shame because that's really a lot of what you end up doing in the game. I feel like it is really trying to be something where you can use the dodge roll effectively to dodge (well-telegraphed) attacks, and your player attack combo is enough of a commitment that you shouldn't mindlessly spam it. But there is just so much hitfreeze on the attacks, especially on the multi-hit part of the combo, it really messes up the whole flow of it for me. That combined with all of the visual FX make it really hard for me to decipher exactly what is going on and get a good feel for the timing. I was watching some video footage of Reverie Under the Moonlight and that seemed better / not as bad in this regard. So in the end I feel like you just end up spamming attack a lot of the time and then guessing at when you need to dodge here and there. This was exacerbated on the last boss(es) when you have your "awakened" form available and it really just did become a matter of spamming the attack combo for the highest DPS possible. Which is really like the opposite of what the good final boss battles ought to be like, right? I dunno, overall that was a really not-so-well-designed part of the game for me, which is a problem since there was so much of it. The rest of the game was just fine, obviously the visuals are very pretty, but at the same time I also found some of them less readable than I'd like in terms of actual combat gameplay. Sigh.</p><p>Well, that's it for now I guess.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-42282618317987872442024-02-01T03:49:00.000-08:002024-02-01T03:49:14.659-08:00<p>It's weird, I feel like I've been overall doing a pretty good job of things, but on the other hand there's things that I haven't been completing. I still have that Shiori writeup to do, but I also recorded a bunch of footage for an extensive Ice Palace routing guide that I have like a third of the way done. Well, I guess there have been various factors at work...</p><p>On the plus side, yesterday I spent a bunch of time with the chickens, which was nice. Their coop door doesn't get closed at night anymore, but they've been fine with that. White Chicky still doesn't really come out at all, but she seems happy and normal enough otherwise. She needs more nail trims, but at least I gave her a foot soak yesterday. I'll have to make sure their food and water and everything is all stocked up, because I'm leaving for a trip this weekend.</p><p>Besides that, yesterday I did a bit of good work on Rhythm Quest and today I was actually doing good work toward my job, not to mention taking care of some kitchen chores. I've actually been cooking a little healthier / lighter lately, I know there was a point a week or two ago when I just started getting worried that I was starting to feel a little lethargic. Like, that wasn't necessarily food-related, might have been a dopamine thing or a sleep thing or mild depression or I-don't-really-know-what, but I feel like eating light and healthy can help with that regardless.</p><p>I'm now the proud and happy owner of a new Neo80 keyboard! I spent a good bit today putting it all together and I've been happily typing away at it and enjoying the experience so far. There's still a bunch of stuff that I am going to have to poke around at with this keyboard, including for one, tuning the spacebar (might need to balance the metal bar itself, or might just need to apply more lube, or in the worst case just order some better stabilizers), but also just going through all of the different possible configurations -- more foam, less foam, different mounting styles, PE sheet vs no PE sheet, etc. So far I've been both very pleased at the fact that taking the PCB out is soooooo easy (ball-catch latch system plus magnetic connector / no ribbon cables) and also pleasantly surprised that the different mounting styles actually...kinda feel and sound different! I mean, of course, they are supposed to, but honestly from the talk and videos around them I was expecting the differences to be quite insubstantial. I mean, don't get me wrong, some of them are subtle, but they're noticeable, which is cool! They're often hard to pin down, but I'm looking forward to just getting to know the keyboard better and finding an ideal configuration that I'm happy with. And then of course there's the matter of like, do I want to put different switches in there, or maybe those ceramic keycaps will restock, and then what do I want to do once my Cycle7 gets here?? Well, that is all stuff I can look forward to!</p><p>The other thing I can try to look forward to is my upcoming trip! Honestly it really snuck up on me; earlier toward the beginning/end of the year when I first planned it I was sort of like "I wish it would come sooner..." but somehow the last couple weeks kind of just...went by, and now I feel like it kind of arrived without me really paying attention to it. But I'm sure it will be a nice visit and a nice change of pace.</p><p>A friend of mine was interested in giving Baldur's Gate 3 a try together so I joined in and rolled (okay, "rolled" is technically not accurate since there are no attribute rolls in character creation anymore) a paladin so I can go big on divine smites and just throw around big numbers, while keeping mostly quiet on the decision-making since of course I've already played through a large swath of stuff during my previous playthrough(s) of the game. We'll see how it goes, I feel like it's been kind of fun on the one hand, but I'm not honestly sure they will remain into it and I think the pacing of the game is such that it might not be the right fit.</p><p>Playing with another person sort of leading the way did really make me think about what the "average person's" experience with BG3 (and I guess other games, but mostly BG3) is. And like, when I say that I'm not talking about what decisions do they make in their dialogues or how do they choose to tackle various situations, or even like how they handle combat (though I guess a little bit of that), but more like...how much of the game do they even interact with, how many key NPCs do they just walk by (I definitely ignored a bunch on my first time through), how many interface options get left unused. Like, how much of the game does the average person even know to play and how do people engage and enjoy the content in the game? BG3 is fascinating in the way it has a bunch of good stuff but also just kind of fails to organize it in a very tight and cohesive way. Of course you could argue that that's sort of the point; it's setup so that you can have these moments where you just discover random things in various nooks and crannies. But it's just wild to me how scattered all of the content is and how much "extra stuff" is all over the place, whether it be random trash loot, books that don't have much relevance, characters with one or two lines of unremarkable dialogue, or simply slow walking between point A to point B. It's a weird game because I feel like there's a little something for everyone there -- some roleplaying and decision scenario antics if you like the D&D aspects, some storytelling and narrative arcs if you're into the characters, some combat strategy if you're into tactics, some inventory hoarding if you like being the RPG klepto, and even a healthy dose of build variety if you want to just theorycraft and minmax. But for every one of those different aspects there's A+ content mixed with what I'd call C- content. Like there are some really interesting narrative decisions that you get to make over the course of the game, but then at one point you get to a telescope and you have this incredibly clunky dialogue sequence of choosing "move the telescope left / right" where the game gets to tell you "the telescope now points to the left." And for all of the enjoyment of the core tactical combat system there are those moments when the enemies are like on the inside of a building while you're on the roof and you're trying to fight the camera, the UI, and also your movement abilities in order to just get into proper combat with them. And for all of the cool feelings you get when you are able to really wrap you head around your characters' abilities and spells and use them to great effect, there are the remaining 30 abilities that you never really bother to use because there are just so many random unremarkable or mediocre things you can do. Like yes, I get it, it's kind of clever that you can carry around a candle in your inventory and the place it on the ground and dip your club into it to make your club do some extra fire damage. But the sheer tedium of doing that defeats the entire purpose. Was it really worth cramming all of these extra features and dialogues and NPCs and houses into the game if most people really wouldn't miss them? Would it not make for a better experience if you trimmed all of the "fat" so we could just get to the stuff that actually matters?</p><p>I will say that playing the game with a controller has been a surprisingly pleasant experience; in a lot of ways it really works better than the base controls, though I imagine the WASD-movement mod strikes a good balance.<br /></p><p>Anyways...tomorrow I guess will just be about me trying to square away everything I need to; checking in for my flight, finishing up my work if I can, making sure the chickies can survive while I'm gone, doing OHC, and recording a patreon video, plus of course packing. If I have some extra time I'd love to stream some rando, but we'll see about that.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-66774595716509663662024-01-24T04:43:00.000-08:002024-01-24T04:43:40.638-08:00<p>I feel like I start off every post by saying "things are alright", haha. But like, the overall average of my life usually tends to "alright", the more interesting bits are how exactly all the different things are going and how it all averages out. I guess I'm not the kind of person to have life be going really well, and then really terribly, or like feel really exhausted one week and then really ready to go the next. I try not to, at least...that sounds like the kind of life I wouldn't enjoy that much...</p><p>My sleep has always been pushed back pretty consistently to like 3 or 4 AM kind of as a general tendency, but lately it's been even slightly later. On the "plus" side, I've been able to have a couple of days here and there of just sleeping in until the afternoon; I think these days are probably really helpful for my body to catch up not just on raw hours of sleep but also REM sleep, I feel like. I started feeling bad for my chickies to have to wait so long to be let out, so I've been keeping their inner coop door open overnight, which seems to be fine -- it's more of a double-precaution anyways, since their outer run area is fenced off and protected to begin with.</p><p>I'm going to try to talk about things other than videogames this time, but I'm sure there will be mention of that too, haha. Somebody at dance (I really couldn't read them, like why were they talking to me about the things they talked about??) randomly asked me about how much time I spend on videogames on average. It's hard for me to quantify easily but the figure I gave was probably about 2-3 hours per day...I'm not entirely certain, though. Like, an average ALTTPR run is 1.5 hours or thereabouts...it's not like I do one of those every day, but I feel like I usually do =something= each day, and it ends up adding up? I dunno. Somehow I got the sense that this line of questioning was sorely misguided, though. It's not like playing videogames prevents me from being a high-achieving person...you could argue the opposite...</p><p>Anyways, besides sleep, I feel like my overall health has been some weird mix of good and bad. I feel like this past week in particular I've been paying the price for a few bad decisions sometimes; I mean sleeping late is the obvious one, but even things like snacking a bit too much, these are things that I can end up feeling the effects of later sometimes. On the other hand, there are these small victories here and there (the best kind...!) where I do simple exercises and take care of my skin or whatever.</p><p>Some days recently have been a bit of a slog, I think work this past week was a little rougher than average, so I'm a little miffed in that way, but then there are just random things here and there that can brighten my day. Even really silly things like the feeling and sound of one of my keyboards, or the sound of the rain, or whatever.</p><p>Kanon is on hold since I need to do a writeup on Shiori's arc (sometime...), and in the meantime I've been watching more Initial D since it's such a low-stress watch. I watched Third Stage, which was a movie, and I have mixed feelings about it; I feel like I can say just as many good things and bad things about it compared to the first two anime seasons. On the one hand, the animation and rendering got a lot better, so that's nice. But on the other hand, it felt like the car racing "battles" were much less interesting this time around. Maybe it's a pacing thing, but it just felt like the winning and losing of the races, or whatever cool tactics or even learnings they had during them, didn't really have as much interesting parts or impact as before. Perhaps it's because you can only have so many car races before they start kind of feeling same-y, but I feel like it's really just because these ones were less interesting than the other ones that came before. On the other hand, some of the slice-of-life / character development parts here were a lot better, like the scene where Natsuki (the protag's love interest) comes over (despite the two of them having been on kind of rocky/uncertain terms) and brings a mini light-up Christmas tree and celebrates with Takumi and his dad, that was really great. Something about how his dad was both kind of awkward but also kind of understanding, and how the trio was kinda totally mismatched but also heartwarming at the same time. That was a highlight.</p><p>But I think at the end when Takumi is like "racing is my passion, I want to go pro and be number one", that was a big let-down for multiple reasons. I already mentioned before that part of what made Takumi interesting was the way he related to racing in a different way than the others. I feel like it makes sense that he would get more invested in racing somehow as the series went on, and I think the way that he gets more interested in how to work with his car actually was really great because it was motivated by a very personal and emotional experience that happened in season two. But I think his thought at the end of "I wanna go pro and be faster than anyone" really doesn't feel right, like why? I think it ought to have been something more suited to his character, like he feels like he understands life better when he races, or he just feels innately drawn to it, or something like that. Because he was never interested in being number one before, it feels inauthentic to his character that he just changed his mind about it. At one point he also says "I don't like to back down from a challenge", which I also feel like is a 180 from how he felt about racing before. Sigh, well it's not like I didn't expect this.</p><p>Rhythm Quest is going OK, like always I'm just continuing to peck away at it when I can. This coming week though there are one or two other things that I need to get done -- specifically, I still need to do my pixel art drawing for the month. I also have a new album/CD release that I've been working on, which I'm basically finally ready to hit the button on, so probably tomorrow for that.</p><p>I stopped by Jammix last week, that was nice! It's been a long while since I went dancing, like always it's good for me to put myself in that sort of situation, just to like...remind myself of who I am I guess? It's hard to describe succinctly. There's this weird sort of thing where I feel like by putting myself into a situation full of social pressures, I feel that I can be more true to myself by engaging in the practice of resisting those pressures. I mean, I wish I could go to dance and really further my experience of dancing, but it's just not in the cards for me right now, and it's sort of out of my hands. There's only so much I can do by myself, right? On the plus side, I shared a nice dance with somebody, I feel like I really made them smile and enjoy themselves, that's always a good feeling!</p><p>I've been on a nice string of cooking recently, not just making the old standby foods (mushroom pasta, roasted brussels sprouts, sous vide lamb chops, blahblah), but more recently stuff like loaded fries, mushroom farro risotto, jerk chicken, cauliflower masala, and then I have to mention I roasted a huge cut of pork shoulder and have been putting that to good use in burgers and tacos.</p><p>It's already almost time for another trip of mine, which really snuck up on me! I'm looking forward to it, but need to push through two more weeks or so before I get there.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-29018905125507322952024-01-18T16:58:00.000-08:002024-01-18T16:58:32.842-08:00<p>Why do rhythm games always introduce like 5 new mechanics every time I play them during a dream lol<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-47023418916899483182024-01-17T02:04:00.000-08:002024-01-17T02:04:08.525-08:00Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 3: Mai<div><div><p><i>Minor CW: self-harm </i><br /></p><p>I've already watched through Shiori's arc, but let's circle back and talk about Mai Kawasumi, who we focus on from episodes 12-15, after a brief visit at episode 11 (which just advances various threadlines without focusing on any one arc).</p><p>Mai and Makoto's arcs both are a bit longer than the other heroines by virtue of being 4 episodes long instead of 3. That might not seem like much, but I feel like it does sort of feel a bit off in terms of pacing; I know this is a bit of a complaint of the anime as well, in that the end starts to feel more rushed as you spend less time focusing on each person. In theory this does make sense though, because the latter characters do get the benefit of simply having been around for longer, so the overall screentime is probably similar, perhaps. I remember hearing that people felt that the anime focused too much time on Makoto, but the thing is that after Makoto's arc is done, you don't really see her* anymore for the entire second half of the show, so it sort of balances out in an odd way.</p><p>Mai's arc is so different than Makoto's! I feel like it's much harder for me to distill and even to really "get", which is part of why I've been putting off this write-up as I mull over it a bit.</p><p>We first meet Mai at the end of episode 4, in a rather iconic scene where she stands silently in the dark of the night in a school hallway, sword in hand. The color palette makes it hard not to draw the comparison to Saber in Fate/Stay Night...</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYkiEBQOAFU81EH4DycrgB3IubBXH0FOMhyphenhyphen_Al2iWY1mVpMRLkVvdL3IDHTAI3yDf_npOoVf0bU3cvO8oslZz_qHut3WM0d-wjrYLyHxF3jkQQs8ivMxGEkAYVzOr4ddwFPs39rpFD96GXe3-5jxqS3YmVoBSHn9r6HU74uBWqY8Sncf8ySPrj6NLOGFNl/s1280/1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYkiEBQOAFU81EH4DycrgB3IubBXH0FOMhyphenhyphen_Al2iWY1mVpMRLkVvdL3IDHTAI3yDf_npOoVf0bU3cvO8oslZz_qHut3WM0d-wjrYLyHxF3jkQQs8ivMxGEkAYVzOr4ddwFPs39rpFD96GXe3-5jxqS3YmVoBSHn9r6HU74uBWqY8Sncf8ySPrj6NLOGFNl/w640-h360/1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>Notice how the color palette is the polar opposite of Makoto's intro</i><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY_zk2R7n14PDzdmyfT0XLuzG8HK7IS_Byk9vyoQq4h3KnX-3NCHFJ7tzXFv6S5uxH6gE_t8ls4w1_W_vSHIsFzbK95mZ7nq31uoVPBHRaq0YGVo2oMOtfmR7-8Rsnlby3RdArKjivwBcGzAZYXfSvebHPHOZx4u_HLelXEj-S2hXkp5D-cdbggZ7JrHzi/s320/2.jpg" width="320" /><i> </i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>"I ask you, are you my Master?"</i></div><p></p><p></p><p>Right off the bat, something that's really distinct about Mai's arc is that the "family/home" energy from Makoto's story is completely gone. Yuuichi goes so far as to feign ignorance when asked about what's been going on by Nayuki and the others, and Mai never meets Akiko or visits her house. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcy5cAooi9IZ6x_hLochvdo2oaL8zF_HIBC00XhnjqbqK8ChM-EqSer1_ARGyukQEBCwzleiFXJHaWmoJb5pKKuw7ieIgQSlvjUr8jOdAliyh7EiJjwLdXAtnnL0qhOMyhriakuBne7nwJfkWC5GhTDCXXj6UaN9V9XN5emxJ10Arp1hhx55j7G-H5h5pN/s1280/5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcy5cAooi9IZ6x_hLochvdo2oaL8zF_HIBC00XhnjqbqK8ChM-EqSer1_ARGyukQEBCwzleiFXJHaWmoJb5pKKuw7ieIgQSlvjUr8jOdAliyh7EiJjwLdXAtnnL0qhOMyhriakuBne7nwJfkWC5GhTDCXXj6UaN9V9XN5emxJ10Arp1hhx55j7G-H5h5pN/w640-h360/5.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>"Betsuni" is anime-speak for "I'm hiding something important"</i><br /></div><div><p>Along the way Ayu does end up moving into the residence, though, to the delight of both Akiko -- who seems to know a bit more about Ayu than she lets on -- and Nayuki -- who says that it'll be good for her mom to have her around after having lost a member of the family (Makoto).</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjroiVlVbf8guP03824cVDZW2kmCN5OLCEA9aUFwafoIgtdFb7BDp7AEOU9aLbIrbQ8N9Fg36SO_3TT6bJrTQYqYIFnmmun_rmblZICgig34Jut62GZmLC_DstercvG12VRLJAfxWNeonwFfh4FYl2S_9PcejP6r3jDg6MPoRwkqE6zJb7esaRBYkRKmYgz/s1280/12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjroiVlVbf8guP03824cVDZW2kmCN5OLCEA9aUFwafoIgtdFb7BDp7AEOU9aLbIrbQ8N9Fg36SO_3TT6bJrTQYqYIFnmmun_rmblZICgig34Jut62GZmLC_DstercvG12VRLJAfxWNeonwFfh4FYl2S_9PcejP6r3jDg6MPoRwkqE6zJb7esaRBYkRKmYgz/w640-h360/12.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>I would characterize the shift in feeling between Makoto and Mai's arcs almost as an "intuitive vs sensing" difference in MBTI-speak. Not necessarily on a deep level, but I just feel like in my personal experience S types have this sort of more reserved energy about them. Mai and Sayuri definitely slot into that, and it's interesting to see how they're "quiet" in two different ways: Mai in the way she doesn't speak much, and Sayuri in the way that she speaks readily but seems to hide her genuine self. She's one of those people who always acts so put together that you can't help but think that you basically just don't know anything about her true feelings.</p><p>Speaking of Sayuri Kurata, you might wonder if she is related to Sayuri Nagato -- you know, my other self. There's a half-connection there, really...this is not quite where Sayuri's name comes from, but I remember thinking about Sayuri Kurata when I first contemplated the name "Sayuri", and feeling good about it. I think this "calm" demeanor and air is something that I really look up to when I look at Sayuri. It's really cool how that comes across even in a still image:<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Gn0ljnhRTdP0T0v26RfBiH3gLmwvLP8xkSQOvehFBZr6UletONGARRvdDWUVRSAhgi9xF32HLUQNEXMJmNgl2tvB79NArwwDoYSrVSa0p2ZNOm_kOCAau2Znpgk59T12SInRzYVUeuTVXi8zcPRjz9BExquQvi0TRSUYYB7qg40p2nIgHAXaHnO8wCm6/s1280/14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Gn0ljnhRTdP0T0v26RfBiH3gLmwvLP8xkSQOvehFBZr6UletONGARRvdDWUVRSAhgi9xF32HLUQNEXMJmNgl2tvB79NArwwDoYSrVSa0p2ZNOm_kOCAau2Znpgk59T12SInRzYVUeuTVXi8zcPRjz9BExquQvi0TRSUYYB7qg40p2nIgHAXaHnO8wCm6/w640-h360/14.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Of course, Yuuichi serves as the foil (third wheel??) to spice things up and disrupt the status quo. Watching the anime, the way that he slots into their dynamic is sort of just left unquestioned as a given, but you have to wonder whether this is realistic at all. Sure, there's the obvious answer of "well, Yuuichi just innately gets along with Mai because of past history", but I feel like a pair of senior girls who have been close (if not exclusive) friends for so long would probably have a long-standing connection and several practices that you'd probably witness, at least much more than you see in Kanon. Like, don't you wonder what Mai and Sayuri's lunches are like together when Yuuichi <i>isn't</i> there with his antics? Do they even speak to each other while eating? What is that relationship like? It's sort of a shame that we don't really get answers to this, by virtue of the show (and really, the VN) needing to centralize around Yuuichi as the protagonist (and the POV of the VN). Instead we get interactions a little more like this:<br /></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i></i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL1ucBs-l843ZDp_VRtmnY-agkyn_8Br5YdPcUmoIiez-DGSBxhizy3B7btVMngqEzQUcIXpnOTspVgfiDRhzBQTwLEbrOR46OXxgfROyGpyBLkF93vEeIOT2u5X-4V_2FYfRO69oFVft9fpSvSvM3SoIXdJyYhlZhmX_ACPJAsljmpowQb8zFChdlHIeX/s1280/3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL1ucBs-l843ZDp_VRtmnY-agkyn_8Br5YdPcUmoIiez-DGSBxhizy3B7btVMngqEzQUcIXpnOTspVgfiDRhzBQTwLEbrOR46OXxgfROyGpyBLkF93vEeIOT2u5X-4V_2FYfRO69oFVft9fpSvSvM3SoIXdJyYhlZhmX_ACPJAsljmpowQb8zFChdlHIeX/w640-h360/3.jpg" width="640" /></a></i></div><i>"Patronizing" and "caring" are really the same thing with different contexts</i><br /><p></p><p>There is something to be said here for whether Yuuichi is "necessary" in the exploration of Mai as a character and whether you could imagine an entirely separate story that focuses on Mai an Sayuri separately instead. However there are some arguments (which I needed time to process through) as to why Yuuichi's role is actually relevant here to Mai's arc, which we'll hopefully get into in a bit.<br /></p><p>On the plus side, you can notice Yuuichi's attitudes beginning to change a bit after basically being a nonchalant (yet well-meaning?) joking dickhead to Makoto (and Ayu, and everybody...). And that's good; it means there is actually some character development there after everything that happened with Makoto. That said, we'll still him to go through the "I got close to ___ 7 years ago and then totally forgot all about it" plot a few more times before the end of the anime...<br /></p><p></p><p>I really never thought about it before, but it's fascinating to think about Makoto and Mai's arcs bookending each other because of their wild differences, but also in some interesting similarities. I didn't catch it at all the first time, but don't you think it's a little interesting how after watching Makoto devolve to only being able to say "Auu...", we get this internal thought?<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuCHfpR46kmVrj2rdLaSxzZlW2z-5nj30GHe09086PzTIDWtRWGL8NImSYvKq0IlNSLw7Gm-odmFV9uYI2VHyv0JSdX0mUBsMsSruuvvLi3AFHq7ZcSbDOeQMfM1ougaxNRbDGMnm2CW1bY8hYjz-A7fsWh8WxPVW2bkhVJlWZZWJd8vQDbIuUbpF5_X94/s1280/13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuCHfpR46kmVrj2rdLaSxzZlW2z-5nj30GHe09086PzTIDWtRWGL8NImSYvKq0IlNSLw7Gm-odmFV9uYI2VHyv0JSdX0mUBsMsSruuvvLi3AFHq7ZcSbDOeQMfM1ougaxNRbDGMnm2CW1bY8hYjz-A7fsWh8WxPVW2bkhVJlWZZWJd8vQDbIuUbpF5_X94/w640-h360/13.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>Of course, the energy in Makoto and Mai's scenes is completely different, which is why I didn't even notice it at first. When Makoto can't say a word, it's painful, but when Mai can't say a word, it's just business as usual...<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>I highly doubt Yuuichi is projecting any feelings from Makoto onto Mai. However! I think the fact that he's so keen on "fixing" (not in those words) Mai is an important one to note. I feel like in a lot of other stories this would come off as patronizing, misogynistic, or at the very least disrespectful of the way that someone has chosen to be. However, I somehow feel like Kanon toes a very fine line here in trying to make it feel fun and harmless (mostly through a light-hearted comedic atmosphere), while making me question in the back of my head whether Yuuichi is overstepping his place and making too many assumptions about what is best for Mai. I think this, also, is where Sayuri comes in as a pivotal support character -- if it's just Yuuichi meeting Mai as a loner, and trying to force his way of being onto her, then that seems totally messed up, but since Sayuri is there, we know that everything is okay, or even implicitly encouraged -- because otherwise Sayuri would have done something to stop it.</p><p>I would say that Makoto's route mainly circles around a theme of being with a loved one in their end times, and perhaps of caring for someone when they're only a shadow of their former self. I know I've already written a lot about Makoto (forgive this tangent), but recently I've begun to put this into more context in terms of my own life. My parents, for example. It's not just about "how do I want to care for these people in their last years, when they become incapable of doing most things". It's also about how Makoto's character itself changes. Will I feel differently about my parents once they are no longer healthy? If Makoto had just stayed as a healthy tsundere brat, would she be lovable? Or is it simply because we see her in a "pitiable" state that we feel sorry for her? Of course, my thoughts on this are a little complicated because of Makoto being a fox spirit, but nevertheless, I think that's something that's worth thinking about as it applies to life in general.</p><p>Anyways, if I had to say what <i>Mai's</i> route focuses on, it's...honestly hard for me to pin it down, but I would hazard that it's <i>mostly</i> about self-acceptance, or acceptance in general. The most obvious way this turns up is Mai failing to accept herself, and her own powers. But Yuuichi plays into this in an important way, too, by kind of not truly accepting Mai for what she is (not to mention Yuuichi's rejection of his past memories). <b>Thinking about Mai and Yuuichi more closely, I think there is an important conflict being explored here, of accepting who you currently are, while also allowing room for yourself to grow, change, and even move on.</b> Perhaps it's no coincidence, then, that Sayuri is the one who explains where the name "Kanon" comes from as she talks about how Pachelbel's Canon "repeats the same melody as the song gradually grows richer and more beautiful" (more like "grows more tedious and boring", if you're an instrumentalist...):</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPY_QOncdcWo2zcytv50Io0uMMVDu6G_DsJ9oS8Cz04GleqeJdM0pXyvpW21IZfokBYly_3qnrFnMamMlB1_w042-2BUThlHf2Xcx0janRSTbrkhPQBRyIGkMqx7r1ACaD3NkOmjTf8oyedKJZiYaZ8RSsQkO56psYtsXingXPBr2nUHwstCwSx8q5UorI/s1280/9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPY_QOncdcWo2zcytv50Io0uMMVDu6G_DsJ9oS8Cz04GleqeJdM0pXyvpW21IZfokBYly_3qnrFnMamMlB1_w042-2BUThlHf2Xcx0janRSTbrkhPQBRyIGkMqx7r1ACaD3NkOmjTf8oyedKJZiYaZ8RSsQkO56psYtsXingXPBr2nUHwstCwSx8q5UorI/w640-h360/9.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Sayuri, truly a girl after my own heart</i><br /></div><div><p>Yuuichi, Mai, and Sayuri all have different approaches to self-acceptance and change, and I think being together serves to enlighten them to each others' perspectives a bit. Yuuichi doesn't even remember his past because he's subconsciously repressed it, whereas Mai is stuck clinging to hers regardless of its toll on her, fighting the literal demons of her past with her sword because it's the only thing she knows how to do. When Yuuichi comes into contact with Mai, he ends up feeling like she would be happier if her social image was better, if she was able to talk more -- in other words, if she can become a new person and accept that new version of herself more fully. And that makes total sense coming from someone (Yuuichi) who rejected his past self fully.</p><p>The resulting "conflict" of views is far from black-and-white, which is why when I look at Yuuichi and Mai's relationship it can be confusing to understand at first. Yuuichi seems like he's being a little pushy and presumptuous at times, and I think his attempts to "fix Mai's social image" by having her attend the ball are misguided. But then we get these beautiful (more beautiful than I remembered, at least) scenes at the ball where they are dancing (Yuuichi where the hell did a moron like you learn to be a competent lead?) and Mai seems not only to be in her element, but also grateful to Yuuichi for the experience.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN7T2rCZk9tcRbwpiWhtrShptSTOPlFjF98qK7nEgLyZFLFmmAWua5VfD8_nK_PB8cilodJr3-wd1f7UKwsNPxpav463u_W-C-q45CUJfEt3wmZZpVIVhGbr3iygRm8IKaRu_87l0E2LD3-5Cq9YXYk8DpXOIgtSxZh2kG64UQsWjeydSgupklxgFJydcD/s1280/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN7T2rCZk9tcRbwpiWhtrShptSTOPlFjF98qK7nEgLyZFLFmmAWua5VfD8_nK_PB8cilodJr3-wd1f7UKwsNPxpav463u_W-C-q45CUJfEt3wmZZpVIVhGbr3iygRm8IKaRu_87l0E2LD3-5Cq9YXYk8DpXOIgtSxZh2kG64UQsWjeydSgupklxgFJydcD/w640-h360/4.jpg" width="640" /></a><i>Okay Mai fans, I'm starting to see where you're coming from <br /></i></div><p>...but just after it seems like Mai is "warming up" to Yuuichi, we get these interesting scenes where Mai seems to have this hot/cold attitude toward Yuuichi. When he starts trying to "train" to be able to help her in her fighting, she dismisses him, telling him to mind his own business. But the next time around, she accepts him in working side by side against the demons. What gives?<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ttz8QvugSmqIzn6M0FReZFpDt1wQT3FRecGeYN-5GWcZVK5ikDt4DSPlxw4ckixe7saZ98hagduTq7MOWoc1jDnxJ26VZtekiC9S-mMIkTOAUVvyo_mZCX17FOZRQSJk47ekV_zbm0q5fLgQD9x6gWFXFwmyrSDCYPLZ_edRyvlmSDQ8PCK1qttD5e67/s1280/6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ttz8QvugSmqIzn6M0FReZFpDt1wQT3FRecGeYN-5GWcZVK5ikDt4DSPlxw4ckixe7saZ98hagduTq7MOWoc1jDnxJ26VZtekiC9S-mMIkTOAUVvyo_mZCX17FOZRQSJk47ekV_zbm0q5fLgQD9x6gWFXFwmyrSDCYPLZ_edRyvlmSDQ8PCK1qttD5e67/w640-h360/6.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Funny how a silent-type express coldness by saying more, not less</i><br /></div><div><p>This I think is one of the many things that makes Mai's route trickier to understand. When Sayuri comes into the picture in the "sword training" drama, Mai even calls her a downright "nuisance". This I think is the most surprising at all given how much you can tell those two deeply respect each other.</p><p>Perhaps this is Mai's way of asserting her own personhood, and respect for her self. You see, she isn't just a problem to be fixed by Yuuichi, and she and Sayuri already have a shared understanding that they have some things in their life they don't want to talk about. <i>And that's okay!</i> What Yuuichi fails to realize is that sometimes closeness isn't simply about getting involved in every facet of each others' lives. If he had been paying to Sayuri and Mai's long-standing (and successful) relationship instead of trying to change things up, maybe he would have noticed that.</p><p>But! At the same time, Mai is also in the wrong here, and I think she eventually realizes that as well (which is why she changes her mind about having Yuuichi there to fight the demons at night with her). Mai is defensive of her self and her way of being arguably to a fault, and in interacting with Yuuichi, through experiences like their shared dance at the ball, I think she starts to realize that there <i>is</i> room for change, even while holding onto what makes us us.</p><p>Where does Sayuri fit into all of this, then? And why do we spend a third of episode 14 going into her tragic backstory? (which I remembered more clearly than Mai's...)<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87Vo6U_NN2cZs1YTFxN3w4krK1U8amot9SBA-ZhEcx_7Oz99dTF2QqS0Ndms7-hem4YGF-3jJQcN0Ra1lVQpr4_PaFjYTn8Xpqv8T5I_WrLs6MFkidA1wvwoNE02fBdp9KN-sTnG4d6Q_t5cD0pSZx4SqFA7okyPKIX9RodrFm7Cuv8YejbtyT_3zi5W1/s1280/15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87Vo6U_NN2cZs1YTFxN3w4krK1U8amot9SBA-ZhEcx_7Oz99dTF2QqS0Ndms7-hem4YGF-3jJQcN0Ra1lVQpr4_PaFjYTn8Xpqv8T5I_WrLs6MFkidA1wvwoNE02fBdp9KN-sTnG4d6Q_t5cD0pSZx4SqFA7okyPKIX9RodrFm7Cuv8YejbtyT_3zi5W1/w640-h360/15.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>"It was the first and last time we ever played together."</i><br /></div><div><p>While her backstory is almost trope-like in the way it just classicaly represents "sad backstoryyy from a Key VN/Kyoani animeeee", I don't think it's just here to evoke some cheap tears. The reason why Sayuri's backstory is important is to provide a contrast to Yuuichi and Mai's approach toward their respective traumas. It's clear that Sayuri was messed up by her brother's death, possibly showing some signs of depression and/or dissociation. ("I began to refer to myself in the third person from that moment on. I could only see myself from an outside point of view. I couldn't smile either, just as Kazuya couldn't.") I admit I =totally= missed this before, but we even see evidence of self-harm:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLUw-Z0Cke-EykFHasTSyZ9_cys1lb2zPZYBgf23q3QBp9BcEOZT2aBBdaB4cHGo_-G2u-ERIgg-MiVMgwpbpqhtZFZrcT0PcgkmdeaTDAFnoKIAkYYqtLLIQwua_HoPA7RKmBf31_x5xyaYa5YlGq-6McE4PSwEC1_yn8Zl3K6fO7LWS-hkIZuV1tMirQ/s1280/16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLUw-Z0Cke-EykFHasTSyZ9_cys1lb2zPZYBgf23q3QBp9BcEOZT2aBBdaB4cHGo_-G2u-ERIgg-MiVMgwpbpqhtZFZrcT0PcgkmdeaTDAFnoKIAkYYqtLLIQwua_HoPA7RKmBf31_x5xyaYa5YlGq-6McE4PSwEC1_yn8Zl3K6fO7LWS-hkIZuV1tMirQ/s320/16.jpg" width="320" /><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh3ectaEybKlf3G58e77NSc3LenXO-fqDTUsPEog2DF9CXvOWk0vWga1IKjGKkw4KgPFhMnD3hSXFp5gbAtDEuO5glcxpanQXIP2V0pOAaEVafGnQmEa4HsMCQ8kM_6TriYSHqIQrWDls9V7kXOvAOZatgOLGZgssrqd5zjjtnRO9xWyPx1D0UPhJxG2ol/s320/17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Oh...okay, you really went there</i><br /></div><div><p>Besides the obvious that I missed, as I watch Kanon this second time around, I'm also starting to pick up on more subtle connections and impressions. Of course, Sayuri grabbing her wrist is a way of highlighting the darkness that she faced while also noting that it's been "turned over" and put to rest, but to me this imagery also makes me think of self-healing. It's a little dissonant since Sayuri is talking about having gotten better "after meeting Mai", but I think in telling this story, Sayuri is serving as an example of someone who was able to come (through her own strength, really) to accept her painful past -- letting go of her pain while still carrying some fragment of it forward with her (oh Sayuri, you really do get it). "One day, Kazuya might not just be a sad memory for me." she says, while quietly smiling in that way she always does. This is in direct contrast to Yuuichi, who is still running away from his past none the wiser, and to Mai, who is clinging to her past in a way that hurts her, both metaphorically and literally through the maifestation of the "demons". Sayuri is put forth as "the wise one" who found the path. She already knew about Mai and Yuuichi's late night demon fighting all along, even though they were trying to keep it a secret from her.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfBoTMCJmAEAx_yuucri7SYX4tD8WxLjGvuU30YGTM4gf2INHQFUEcbwWWI1e1PU9BIO3zGEYRM2wIeyTmPmiq2f59MBl5lSSGLdJnlq6Q2mqEIqGwQ5knQA4FwMF2pYC8uzpiuvtKHKd6sKqZFEoIW4cyP8QBAffVVmC51A3jTcCEMq8znVApn5ldcAoh/s1280/10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfBoTMCJmAEAx_yuucri7SYX4tD8WxLjGvuU30YGTM4gf2INHQFUEcbwWWI1e1PU9BIO3zGEYRM2wIeyTmPmiq2f59MBl5lSSGLdJnlq6Q2mqEIqGwQ5knQA4FwMF2pYC8uzpiuvtKHKd6sKqZFEoIW4cyP8QBAffVVmC51A3jTcCEMq8znVApn5ldcAoh/w640-h360/10.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>One niche criticism (among a handful) that I have about this route is the above scene during Mai's childhood flashback. It only lasts for a second or two, but I think it's cliche, cheap, and unrealistic. This happens immediately after we see Mai show off her "healing powers" in performance by healing the little yellow bird. It's a real shame because the idea and the visceral sound of the bird crashing into/through the window is such a powerful shock to what was shaping up to be an "hey, everything's okay!" scene. I just personally don't think it's appropriate to muddy the emotional energy here with "hey, just in case you didn't get it, we inserted this screenshot to make it clear that everybody hated Mai after this". I feel like showing the externalized outcomes here is less resonant than it would be if we showed a scene of what Mai was like a week after that experience, and how there was a clear wall between her and everyone else -- including her own mother, probably. But that's just me...<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>I didn't remember this from my first watch really, but Mai tries to take her own life not once but <i>twice</i> in this route, and I think both of these scenes take processing for me to try to "get", too. The first time is in response to her shock at Sayuri having wandered out into the school and harmed by the "demons".<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6XiDqHLVl6GqTpZdk357ZsQYuJ5oK2Immznzd70bV7EGdCcg6rYEVQXT5zYz0FYnDOFOtvnGm6D8QrYe6qchS7NJwg8yO5fqoV9ADUicrdynAnldvaYTpolJkIQY2IdfM9G2pjlDx3gpBo_-GELtISk5XkO6s6SXQz9t1jwXp8_qGsmZqrHntwYk0ce7H/s1280/18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6XiDqHLVl6GqTpZdk357ZsQYuJ5oK2Immznzd70bV7EGdCcg6rYEVQXT5zYz0FYnDOFOtvnGm6D8QrYe6qchS7NJwg8yO5fqoV9ADUicrdynAnldvaYTpolJkIQY2IdfM9G2pjlDx3gpBo_-GELtISk5XkO6s6SXQz9t1jwXp8_qGsmZqrHntwYk0ce7H/w640-h360/18.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div></div><div><p>Rewatching this scene I think it really evokes the kind of despair that I've felt in the past when I just felt like I was completely worthless and couldn't do anything right. I found this line particularly interesting because when she says "I'm the only one left untouched once again." she couldn't be further from the truth, as she's clearly <b>not</b> "just fine". But when you see yourself as so broken and unlovable, this is the kind of thing that you feel, that everything that went wrong is somehow your fault. The hard part about this is that in a way it's <i>true</i>. In the depths of some of my depressive episodes I caused a lot of harm to some of the closest people around me. So it's really hard not to see things that way, and to carry on.<br /></p><p>It's revealed that Mai's "demons" are fragments of her powers, or in other words, her "self". In that way, her fighting against the demons at night is a metaphor for the way that she represses large parts of her self out of self-loathing, or at the very least a belief that she needs to "fight down" the negative aspects of herself. And of course, the very same "demons" end up causing harm to those closest to her (Sayuri, Yuuichi), and affecting her social and academic life. Sounds about right, huh? </p><p>Aw, shucks...I really relate to this whole arc much more than I initially thought...But anyways, as we know from Celeste (which did a wonderful job telling =that= story), this fight against our inner demons is not a fight we can "win", and fighting isn't the solution -- we need to learn to be compassionate for our darker sides, and to give ourselves grace and forgiveness for being imperfect and human.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJCkeEF1ttOaJZqBUYX-XuS9ePbZh5UBT6mjZS81DeS04Iz04hdZY5p3cAkzK73hP1cL6MHvnIkN88vhGh4S3GxAq0loLU5YUs8TTDKRy1ts02JHhYPGbsSo0Eh_o_6NpsnGJJFC1tm80WCp3H2mUixw5Qt0lw0UZyjJZMCM8viMTiuganm8QVroOMy0kf/s1280/19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJCkeEF1ttOaJZqBUYX-XuS9ePbZh5UBT6mjZS81DeS04Iz04hdZY5p3cAkzK73hP1cL6MHvnIkN88vhGh4S3GxAq0loLU5YUs8TTDKRy1ts02JHhYPGbsSo0Eh_o_6NpsnGJJFC1tm80WCp3H2mUixw5Qt0lw0UZyjJZMCM8viMTiuganm8QVroOMy0kf/w640-h360/19.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <p></p><p>But of course, this is easier said than done. (and if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that I have a propensity to ask ourselves why we can't also keep vestiges of our maladaptive behaviors around sometimes -- for they are sometimes beautiful in their own right) "If I let go, I'll be nothing but a helpless doll. I'll cause trouble to you and Sayuri."</p><p>And then we get to probably the weirdest part of Mai's arc. Just when it seems like Mai warms up to what Yuuichi is saying (in the VN this scene is much longer, with Yuuichi telling her that after graduating, him, Sayuri, and Mai should rent a place together, and take turns cooking, and bring all the stuffed animals, and she basically says "yes....let's do that"), she says thank you -- or in the VN, "I want to be with you and Sayuri forever" -- and then proceeds to stab herself. This time Yuuichi can't intervene, but she ends up being saved by her last "demon spirit", i.e. a manifestation of her healing power, i.e. good ol convenient Key universe magic.<br /></p><p> </p><p>This...is a scene that really confuses me, and probably one of the weaker parts of Mai's arc, provided I'm not just missing something obvious. It's worth noting that the anime diverges (cuts out) substantially from the VN here, which leaves things quite a bit more ambiguous.</p><p>We can put forth various theories on why Mai stabs herself here, things like:</p><p>- She wanted to "be reborn", so she stabbed herself and then healed herself as a way of doing this<br />- She gave up in the very end and didn't think she was worthy of what Yuuichi was telling her<br />- Once she realized what the demons were, she felt like she no longer had any purpose to live<br />- She felt wholly responsible for all the harm her demons did and wanted to punish herself<br />- She thought that it was the only way (best way?) to eliminate the last remaining demon<br /></p><p>I guess maybe the best interpretation I can really give is that this scene is a metaphor for Mai accepting her powers and doing what she needed to do all along by using them to heal the person who needed it most: herself. But this is on very thin grounds because the original intent of the VN scene is much different, and there it's debatable whether Mai/Yuuichi/Sayuri even have a happy ending or whether Mai just ends up dead (i.e. there's a long happy dream-like sequence but it's unclear whether it's actually a dream or not).</p><p>The messaging of this scene seems unclear in both the VN and in the anime and it's a real shame because I feel like it comes at a moment which could have been pivotal in hammering home whatever messaging or themes we were supposed to get out of Mai's character. Instead we have to sort of just piece together things from all of the other moments and come up with a vague formulation of what her story is about. It seems that readers of the VN route are similarly divided and/or confused as to why this happened.</p><p>Looking back upon the arc as a whole, I feel like this has to be the entire route's biggest weak point. If Mai's story is about self-acceptance or how we deal with our past trauma, what kind of message is it supposed to send if we have the main heroine meet a supposed tragic end through suicide? Yes, the anime conveniently solves the issue through some deus ex machina-type magic, but that's really not an excuse for this imagery. IF anything, the ending would make more sense if Mai =had= stayed dead, that way it would be a reflection of how sometimes despite all of our best efforts (both us and other people), sometimes our darkness wins out in the end and we just can't bring ourselves to self-acceptance. Imagine the impact that would have on Yuuichi?<br /></p><p>...okay, let's try this again.</p><p>PERHAPS what the VN was really trying to get with this scene at was this idea that Mai went through pain -- too much pain -- over the past 10 years, and how sometimes, you need a "miracle" to combat a darkness that's that strong. The ambiguous ending of the VN (whether Mai dies or not), perhaps, is a way of showing that even after all that Yuuichi and Sayuri and Mai went through together, it's possible that the darkness is too great. That in the end it's still a very real possibility that Mai couldn't make it. This "miracle" that I mentioned is alluded to be the idea of "hope" (kibou), as that is what Mai's "magical power fragment/demon" calls herself in the ending.</p><p>And so perhaps Mai's route is meant to be more of a half-tragic ending, showing just how powerful the depths of self-loathing and despair can be. And to make us really reflect on that, but while simultaneously providing the idea of a "hope" that even though the darkness was so powerful that Mai ostensibly died, there is still a version of the future in which she didn't. And that "hope" fragment wasn't just magic that came out of nowhere, but it was contained within Mai herself. In that way, it's providing the idea that even in the darkest depths of despair, when all is lost, there is still a way for you to save yourself. ??????<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Well, whatever it is, I have to say that after all this writing, Mai's route is...fascinating, and very interesting to try and pick apart, but at the same time quite flawed in some ways. There are some definite good moments, and some great themes that are explored, and seeing Sayuri, Mai, and Yuuichi interact <i>as a trio</i> provides a lot of hidden depth and nuance to their interactions that I love. But I can't say that I enjoyed the route as much because of all of these weaker points. There are a lot of fascinating character dynamics which unfortunately come up against what I can only say is some poor plot writing.<br /></p><p>Ahh, I thought I was going to write =less= after Makoto, not more...well, next up is Shiori, we'll see how that post turns out...<br /></p></div>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-7549273136416682492024-01-16T01:12:00.000-08:002024-01-16T01:12:48.296-08:00<p>Mmm...life continues. There's like this underpinning loneliness at times, BUT it's a familiar one. Not to say that it's like, comforting or anything, but more like it isn't something I'm worried about. I got to catch up with a good friend for a bit today, which was really nice.</p><p>The cheap "WK870" aluminum keyboard that I ordered never came, so I'm trying to see if I can get a refund for it. Maybe it's for the better anyways; I already had a Cycle7 on order and now I have a Neo80 ordered as well! I have high hopes for both of those boards...neither of them has per-key RGB, so I guess that is a bit of a niche that the WK870 could potentially have filled, but eh. Right now my acrylic Womier K87 is "the RGB board" anyways. I switched out the POM Jelly keycaps and am currently using a white/pink colored keycap set ("Drop Skylight") that has shine-through legends and I have to say, it's actually quite a nice effect. Unfortunately the '[' key on my small 67-key keyboard seems to have failed, maybe I'll open it up to see if it can be fixed, but otherwise, maybe not a huge loss as that keyboard was only really ever good for being cute and portable anyways.</p><p>I've been watching more of Kanon (2006), and have some writeups to catch up on now, as I've made my way through both Mai and Shiori's routes. More on that later.</p><p>For Risk of Rain Returns, I'm taking a break from item unlocks and have been working my way through the "Judgment" trials, which has been a nice way of having something concrete to work at.</p><p>I also saw that Momodora: Moonlit Farewell released, and grabbed it since I remember Momodora: Reverie Under the Moonlight being a pleasant playthrough. Some of the initial reviews were not the most encouraging, so I was a bit wary, and I actually got kind of disappointed after feeling like the character movement and input felt very sluggish; fortunately I realized that a big factor in that was extra input delay that somehow got added in since I was running through Parallels on my Macbook. Not sure if that's something to look into, but I played it for a short while on my Windows machine earlier today and it felt significantly better.</p><p>I do feel like I have started becoming more readily critical -- or at least ready to critique -- of games, now that I'm a bit older, have a little more experience, have a little more familiarity not with games but with game design and artistic works in general. I think I'm a bit more skeptical of the decisions that games (and their developers) try to make, while attempting to still give them the benefit of the doubt (I know all too well what it feels like to have others shamelessly declare their own opinions about your work). =Why= is this designed this way? What is the purpose? Does it make for a cohesive experience, or further the gameplay in an interesting way? Or is it simply something that was added "just because"? Are the graphics readable? Is the UI confusing? What are some alternative choices that could have been made? So far, Momodora: Moonlit Farewell has a number of little things that I personally don't agree with. But I'm usually rather tolerant when it comes to these things, so it's really not terrible. But the designer in me can't help but imagine different decisions being made.</p><p>I finished my round of getting rid of a ton of my assorted Hello Kitty / anime / etc merch, finally dropping off a couple boxes of stuff at Goodwill. Feels good to have finally checked off that project. There are of course more things to take care of, like getting my car interior cleaned, doing a hazardous waste dropoff, and these such things. But progress is progress, and worth patting myself on the back for.</p><p>I'm ready to be done with Gran Turismo 4 I think. I didn't feel like going through the whole rest of the experience of the single player career mode, so after finishing all of the beginner and professional events I just cheated myself a buttload of cash and bought the best car so that I could just go and skip to competing in the GT world championship. Yeah, there is something to be said about the experience of trying to enter in a bunch of regional events and miscellaneous challenges and grind credits by doing various races and such, and really working your way up to it, but I decided that I had sort of had enough and I'm ready to move on after slowly working my way through that championship. It was a fun and good run, but I'd rather move onto other things like SSX or even another playthrough of Super Mario Kart or...any number of things.</p><p>Rando is still fun, somehow! Sometimes I worry that with the way that I interact with the game, just playing by myself for fun, not really competing or even playing with others, that I'll just start to question "what's the point" and why I'm doing it, but somehow I'm still having fun with it despite all that. There's enough variety in game modes that I can really keep it fresh, trying to do things like play keysanity modes or whatever.</p><p>Wow I'm just writing about videogames and nothing else, huh? I could even write about how I hopped onto Melee Unranked for a bit here and there, which surprisingly wasn't that bad. For DDR I unfortunately seem to be losing a bit of steam; just kinda ran out of songs that I was excited to explore and/or play...most recently I tried another Max300 clear which went okay...I mean I cleared it without any problems, but it was kinda sloppy in its execution, I guess I still just need to work on my speed, timing, execution, etc. Blah.</p><p>I haven't actually done a Super Metroid speedrun attempt in a hot minute, though I've been continuing to just practice here and there. I think I've just not been in the mood to really sit down and try to go for it, but perhaps that's the wrong attitude to take and I should just let it be more of a casual thing. Well, for the time being I've just been playing rando, so there's nothing wrong with that.</p><p> </p><p>Okay, I'm done talking about games, I promise...I guess I just play a lot of them, okay?</p><p>It's been hard waking up out of naps or even deep sleeps recently...not sure if that's just my normal habit of staying up too late kicking in, or if there's something else at work. I've also had some weird dreams which make me wonder what the heck I could be processing through emotionally. The other night I had a dream where an ex of mine was sexually harassing me or something? And then there was this dream where this lady was trying to persecute me for being non-gender-conforming? It's really weird because I just...haven't had to worry about that for such a long time. Not really sure where it came from.</p><p>I've been trying to find a new therapist (go meee), and have some meetings set up, we'll see how that goes! It's been ages since I searched for one, it feels a little odd...almost like dating, lol. You look at different people, try to reach out, see what the chemistry is like...</p><p>Last night I slept fine until like 3 or 5 AM (?) when I woke up and spent a good hour or so just thinking or (eventually) watching some more anime. I thought a lot about some stuff that happened to me toward the end of last year, about my feelings on it, I guess I also thought a bit about Kanon as well, but I remember more of the thinking about people and about love, and about how I'm still feeling wary and weary.</p><p>Well, it's been an okay three-day weekend. Kind of nice, even. Tomorrow we start things up again with another week...<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-71919309441025971432024-01-10T03:30:00.000-08:002024-01-10T03:30:15.503-08:00<p>Things are not the best, but they are surprisingly okay? Like, I feel like my spirits are quite good considering what they could be. Despite the minor depression that I keep mentioning (it's going to be harder to say when it's "gone" compared to noticing that it was there in the first place), and the fact that I seem to have come down with some sort of cold, things are doing...pretty alright. I felt the slight fatigue, both physically and mentally, yet somehow spent a really good chunk of time drilling down into Rhythm Quest stuff (more custom level implementation details...as always...).</p><p>I spent some time taking care of my chickies, which I think was really good for me; I know I've been feeling a bit worried about them especially since white chicky has been rather skittish and avoidant, I'm afraid that maybe she just doesn't like me anymore or is scared of me from too many times trying to pick her up or put her in her tub for foot soaking. I finally trimmed her nails some, but her feet still need more attention, I think her old issues are maybe coming back so it looks I'm going to have to make an effort to make the foot bath thing a more regular thing. Their bedding could probably do with a replacement as well, but one thing at a time, I guess. She's also regrowing her feathers (not just her down feathers, but the main ones as well), so it's possible she could just be sensitive and irritated because of that, in which case she'll probably feel better after a while.</p><p>Anyways...while I'm taking my time getting through Kanon (2006), I took the chance to finish watching Initial D: Second Stage (the second season of the anime). Sometimes it's easier to just watch something more "low stakes", especially since I just wanted to chill and relax and replace keycaps and key switches idly while watching something.</p><p>Second Stage was good! The drawing and art style is rather unappealing and odd, honestly looking worse than the first season, but aside from that I think it was actually a really pleasant follow-up. I said in a previous post that I was afraid that Takumi's "growth arc" would just consist of him becoming more invested and interested in racing and cars, and that he would lose some of his special-ness of being internally driven, but I was pleasantly surprised by how this was handled. Takumi ends up growing more invested in racing, as I assumed, but I think the show does a good job of tying it together with very human threads of his interpersonal struggles, both with his love interest and with his father, and with his car (which may as well be his main love interest in this season). I think the stakes are also higher, in a way, because it's not just about the excitement of Takumi trying to defeat really fast opponents, it's also about him trying to deal with life.</p><p>I dunno what else...I've been continuing to enjoy Rando, Super Metroid, Risk of Rain Returns, and all that. Honestly I also had fun working on Rhythm Quest, too. It's so strange how sometimes the mountain of work just seems so intimidating and it makes me not want to work on it at all, yet other times knowing exactly that it's not something that I can easily finish in a day somehow makes me excited to just dive into it headfirst. Either way, I guess something I've been trying to remind myself to do is to recognize how objectively I'm doing an amazing job, despite how many unempathetic or unassuming people may grumble or wonder about how slow the visible progress is. It's important for me to remember that these are not the people that I'm making my game for, and I don't owe them anything, this is my project to do in the way that I believe is best.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-46139353735573842272024-01-05T04:55:00.000-08:002024-01-05T04:55:11.360-08:00Things are ok...the start of the new year has been a bit of a challenge for me, but I'm taking it a step at a time.<br /><br />Thinking about Rhythm Quest has been really intimidating. There's this logical fallacy of sorts where you're supposed to believe that taking a break from work is supposed to leave you "rested and recharged" and ready to go at it again, but whether that actually happens or not is variable. Adding custom level support was the right decision to make for the project, but abstaining from it was right, too; I feel like all of the added work makes the project seem more mountainous than ever. I'm beginning to feel more external pressure to have progress to show on Rhythm Quest, which isn't good or healthy. The internal pressure, sure, that's fine, but I think external pressure is something that isn't really good.<br /><br />It's always a challenge when I'm faced with these situations because on the one hand, you want to make sure that you are taking care of yourself which means stepping away from working harder, and avoiding burning yourself out. But on the other hand, just avoiding the problem for longer usually doesn't help make it go away; you can take a break but it's going to just end up gnawing at you anyways, so why not just take an honest stab at it?<br /><br />The real answer I think is to just do something about it as often as you can, but to do so by picking the smallest thing that you can manage and then shooting for that. The positive reinforcement that you get out of accomplishing these small things, and the feeling of consistent progress, can both serve to alleviate your worries, and get you in better spirits.<br /><br />I feel like this has been probably the hardest part about working part-time in employment and part-time on Rhythm Quest, it's really hard to get into a consistent rhythm (hah), and feel like you are constantly marching toward completion, because it's instead always this sort of stop and go thing. Driving for a long time isn't as exhausting as driving through stop and go traffic, right?<br /><br />I can recognize that I'm at a lower point than I was a month or two ago; there's more negative feelings and in general less excitement about life. But as always, I'm still functional during these times. I tend to do the same things; it's just harder. Still, there are small victories that I can always claim, which is important! It feels good to exercise, good to take care of one's self. Even though I've been sleeping late, that, too, has its own sort of charm. I couldn't wake up at all this morning, though, so it seems the time had come for me to just try and catch up on sleep a lot.<br /><br />I may have to wake earlier in the coming weeks; we'll have to see if I adapt to that successfully or not.<br /><br />I'm continuing to catch episodes of Kanon (2006) here and there, currently in the midst of Mai's arc. I'll do proper writeups of that later, but I think it surprises me how different my rewatch of the series is already feeling. I imagine that I'll come out with significantly different impressions of the characters and of the episodes than I did the first time around.<br /><br /><br />Christmas was...okay. I think it wasn't really the best, nor the worst. I remember there were some really really bad Christmastimes for me in the past, I'm glad it was nothing like that. It was just a little bit of a downer, I think. Sometimes it's just like that, I spend a lot of effort on all of these letters and gifts and all that and I think at the end of it all I feel either a little burnt-out or simply a little bit alone. I certainly have carried forth a little bit more cynicism from earlier during the first half of the year, I'm still feeling the impacts of that. It's harder now than before, I think, to have faith in life. But there are =always= those moments where I still remember why.DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-1541908996792618362023-12-29T05:06:00.000-08:002023-12-29T05:40:05.427-08:00Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 2: Makoto<p>Finding myself in a little bit of a mild depressive funk, I took the opportunity to hole up in my room and watch through pretty much all of Makoto Sawatari's arc.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMCNnFDLmWQ3cYq0ujz6UnV4k09kZCFlLs14Nl6vLQuk3rZJ0LYN3j5_SoOFMac_QV9EHBKp6MgDUYeiJkGI95d9z_He9I87X2HisppKybbTZUa2t9woq2xCyHQqoh2VhAt6XrhFkusUAzIJNn9gc5COrugfIkQRMk9vvIWk9Gfx_JR8XSAPkT38H3BVR7/s1280/Untitled2.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMCNnFDLmWQ3cYq0ujz6UnV4k09kZCFlLs14Nl6vLQuk3rZJ0LYN3j5_SoOFMac_QV9EHBKp6MgDUYeiJkGI95d9z_He9I87X2HisppKybbTZUa2t9woq2xCyHQqoh2VhAt6XrhFkusUAzIJNn9gc5COrugfIkQRMk9vvIWk9Gfx_JR8XSAPkT38H3BVR7/w640-h360/Untitled2.png" width="640" /></a></div><i>The slow motion intro shot here is REALLY cool.</i><br /></div></div><p></p><p>The 2006 adaptation of Kanon really gives Makoto's arc a lot of attention. She's introduced at the very end of episode 2 (around a similar time as most of the other characters), but since she's the first character to be explored in-depth (and moves into Akiko and Nayuki's place as a stranger), there's a bit more focus around her in some of the subsequent episodes despite attempts to balance that out by advancing the other girls' stories as well. Things start to "get real" with Makoto near the end of episode 6 when Mai drops some ominous foreshadowing, and her arc begins "proper" with episode 7.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-O_rvH8ae8nGBGJYwC4y7lXVxv8UazIE2ZbsiDc3MzvyPhomsrfIRqtysbgSVp3YUf_j85HZFOc4lznP07K6xmogtKvrPsnMC8BLuXXmfxUPVxSo-57hOHF2qiOqGbIj2TLowJFTQPINDnjed8PY_kHhS9d_-pedgBl4BzSoPnJ-nEp7WSq1bqfCFOLF/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-O_rvH8ae8nGBGJYwC4y7lXVxv8UazIE2ZbsiDc3MzvyPhomsrfIRqtysbgSVp3YUf_j85HZFOc4lznP07K6xmogtKvrPsnMC8BLuXXmfxUPVxSo-57hOHF2qiOqGbIj2TLowJFTQPINDnjed8PY_kHhS9d_-pedgBl4BzSoPnJ-nEp7WSq1bqfCFOLF/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i>*gulp*</i></div><p>Before diving into Makoto's development (and spoilers), I did want to make some general thoughts I had as I reacquainted myself with the world of Kanon.</p><p>Every episode thus far starts with a narration, presumably the voice of <i>[redacted]</i>, making some vague comments about dreaming, snow, time being stopped, and things like this.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6xSU__VwkWG-1fuxKmqqTayzPosWSt4s74LPS6OgCsOXLYdnPq6uwQnV7_kjf2wlLEHsqSj_62fXtkqah-h1s016A9g6JvNgyT6YJFuB4HOq1MxmEse4wHy1vS8WsHcTk1SyH1VYaUI_FTAtOpEjg2M21md5-aVOh2qdTGNwTNVCtOqcEMmVQzH7XZYe3/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6xSU__VwkWG-1fuxKmqqTayzPosWSt4s74LPS6OgCsOXLYdnPq6uwQnV7_kjf2wlLEHsqSj_62fXtkqah-h1s016A9g6JvNgyT6YJFuB4HOq1MxmEse4wHy1vS8WsHcTk1SyH1VYaUI_FTAtOpEjg2M21md5-aVOh2qdTGNwTNVCtOqcEMmVQzH7XZYe3/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Usually accompanied with the requisite "pretty snow" imagery, to set the scene</i><br /></div><div><p>If you're already familiar with the story of Kanon, you'll understand the literal meaning that these words are alluding to, and this is one area where things are a little more clear upon second watch. If you know, you know. I found it especially surprising that the very first episode starts with some rather dark prose, after the OP credits roll:</p><p><i>A dream...I'm seeing a dream. The dream I see every day. The endless dream.</i></p><p><i>Red snow. The world stained in red. A small, crying child blocking the red sky. I wanted to wipe away his tears, at least. But my hands wouldn't move, and the tears trailing down his cheeks soaked into the snow, and...all I could do was watch. It was so painful, and so sad.</i></p><p><i>It'll be okay. So don't cry. "It's a promise." I wonder whose words those were. The dream starts to fade to a different color. Yes. It's a promise, okay?<br /></i></p><p>Like, whoa. I didn't remember this at all. But I think it serves to set up this theme of powerlessness in the face of loss. <i>"...all I could do was watch."</i> I think a lot of the anime explores this feeling. What DO we have the power to do when we are faced with loss, and how should we respond in the face of it?<br /></p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>Moving on, we have Aizawa Yuuichi, our protagonist...<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRyjEiBmLRUEBxjl0xPf01numVRCMTioAkN6Kn7xGuFx90Nktb4Ue1CYgp7ViwNzoc2dxMU06qsDiTh-RruFxademhU1Y2rnox38bjqSDjds2oVF05C7MejjSbltbddOXZ0IxBPxu7zC2LrAGweLMWP6ir3cpt0BoTQMF0MH-UL82xT3FhIXVSHAx3xQRN/s1280/Untitled.png"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRyjEiBmLRUEBxjl0xPf01numVRCMTioAkN6Kn7xGuFx90Nktb4Ue1CYgp7ViwNzoc2dxMU06qsDiTh-RruFxademhU1Y2rnox38bjqSDjds2oVF05C7MejjSbltbddOXZ0IxBPxu7zC2LrAGweLMWP6ir3cpt0BoTQMF0MH-UL82xT3FhIXVSHAx3xQRN/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>The interactions with Makoto go like this for a while...</i><br /></div><div><p>He's a bit of an interesting fellow. A little bit more of a jerk than I remembered, probably because I was probably just less sensitive to those sorts of things 10+ years ago (read: I was probably more of a jerk too, just in a different way). While his prankster/smartass-type attitude works well for putting the girls (basically, his "harem") into cute situations, I do feel like this is a known complaint of Kanon, that Yuuichi is a bit too unlikable. <br /></p><p>From what I remember, though, I do feel like he does start to mature, starting to be a little less apathetic and careless with his emotions as time goes on. Makoto's arc, then, is definitely the beginning of this change.<br /></p><p>Yuuichi, like Makoto, suffers from amnesia, but unlike Makoto, the amnesia is selective -- he remembers Nayuki well enough, but there's some sort of strange memory block around...well, a lot of other significant events that happened 7 years ago. On a surface level, this is easy to understand as "repressed emotions/memories", but I think this begs the question, =why= did Yuuichi blot out these emotions and memories in the first place instead of confronting them? Was it a conscious choice or was it simply a trauma response?<br /></p><p>The opening monologues about "being stuck in a dream" of course mainly talking about [redacted], but I think they also follow along with Yuuichi's general predicament of being "stuck" in life. He functions well enough on a day-to-day basis, but you can tell that he has some emotional baggage, and isn't really connecting with anyone much beyond teasing and making fun of them. I do think that when we have undigested emotions, it can lead to us getting "stuck" in this way. That's why therapy can be important for many people; it helps us spend time sitting with those emotions. Not necessarily so that we can "confront" them as in battle them and "get over them", but just so that we can recognize them fully, so that we can be more present in life, instead of living our days "like we are dreaming". This I think is the real significance of these opening "dream monologues".<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Back to Makoto (and into spoiler territory). She's presented as the "tsundere" type among the girls, having a mean streak and generally denying all claims of honest emotions (and more), but eventually softening up. This type of character usually irks me a bit, but Makoto's case is different, because...Makoto is meowmie.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8CSGa-5YUgNqQ3skbJVgzMGwPXEVJCTgIB2U2YC6r6gDcyszKd3Ua5h7RvklYaYxKhwPiYlEU5bnlzZ8xerTS52b0pyQYAPL9FFXkYR4sfmMa82N-CR0G-1DCQGpq_VaJHPcJ-NFGrr1f7zCBs9saJLYlwCDGWiIMGZN03jYP88o-lYgNkWXgwj6ehFwd/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8CSGa-5YUgNqQ3skbJVgzMGwPXEVJCTgIB2U2YC6r6gDcyszKd3Ua5h7RvklYaYxKhwPiYlEU5bnlzZ8xerTS52b0pyQYAPL9FFXkYR4sfmMa82N-CR0G-1DCQGpq_VaJHPcJ-NFGrr1f7zCBs9saJLYlwCDGWiIMGZN03jYP88o-lYgNkWXgwj6ehFwd/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>The true best girl in Kanon</i><br /></div><div><p>I feel like Makoto's character is really unique because she can't just be summed up by the tsundere trope. In all of her initial interactions where she hates Yuuichi's guts, sure, but I feel like most tsundere characters just end up getting to a point where they still get really defensive about their emotions, but manage to acknowledge their affection / emotions in sort of an off-handed way. <br /></p><p>Makoto, on the other hand, really does a 180, and completely changes. She becomes happy, clingy, weak, frail.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKd45jt_FX2aTxRCOzKzVeCGPq6l7f4N7Rj6PQ8VirVgG9IuHnIeHPqEosNeJ-ICSlCGXvOVX_nV7Bn024TC8zlU_p2rgP7pJsEGQ3flERhcCuZvT-0BroXtdFMvyIxN3irbzJLaMJ41M79rvl1RT-EJ3Ypl5h0RaPGROG_TPOUODAkcaK0lOQ3KgqoGqh/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKd45jt_FX2aTxRCOzKzVeCGPq6l7f4N7Rj6PQ8VirVgG9IuHnIeHPqEosNeJ-ICSlCGXvOVX_nV7Bn024TC8zlU_p2rgP7pJsEGQ3flERhcCuZvT-0BroXtdFMvyIxN3irbzJLaMJ41M79rvl1RT-EJ3Ypl5h0RaPGROG_TPOUODAkcaK0lOQ3KgqoGqh/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>The simple moments are so precious.</i><br /></div><div><p>This is another area of Kanon where I feel like knowing how the story goes makes things a lot more poignant. I feel like on first viewing, it's easy to just watch Makoto and Yuuichi's interactions and write them off as playful comedic nonsense. Maybe this is just my bias (if you couldn't tell, Makoto is my favorite character in Kanon), but knowing what happens to Makoto in the end, I think it changes my perspective on things a little bit, in a way that's fittingly appropriate to the Makoto's overall themes. It makes me happy to see Makoto being energetic, even if she's being a brat.<br /></p><p>When you know someone is going to disappear, how does it change your interactions with them? How does it change how you see them? How you love them?<i><br /></i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuJ3gfMsVHnslYhdeW7kP3n5crzILfWmpkFbZ-45D_4sWxlKetXnk4CVxDUOqavbBmOLkboz2yooCZR1JDXMGd5l4reijPWEMbqBVPvdWcocunD1n8zQ7s_l8i_Pslswr7wVZI0KkxRWkyyFR1q3l0RIzwUey2XDIMaB-6OpllW2LQYg7slux5DkfaDu1O/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuJ3gfMsVHnslYhdeW7kP3n5crzILfWmpkFbZ-45D_4sWxlKetXnk4CVxDUOqavbBmOLkboz2yooCZR1JDXMGd5l4reijPWEMbqBVPvdWcocunD1n8zQ7s_l8i_Pslswr7wVZI0KkxRWkyyFR1q3l0RIzwUey2XDIMaB-6OpllW2LQYg7slux5DkfaDu1O/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>What kind of cruel bastard could leave this meowmie behind?</i><br /></div><div><p>I've lost people in my life before, but the only times that I've ever truly had to say goodbye to someone that I was close with have been with animals. Having this experience in my life really gives me another layer of appreciation for the latter part of Makoto's story, which really focuses on Yuuichi and everyone else spending time with her as her existence fades away. Here we can see the beginnings of not-a-jerk Yuuichi as he tries his hardest to make sure that Makoto lives out her remaining days in happiness.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaZnpEaDbhtA-zStMFDn1-WctVQURpv4EykaVHOMhEHxAF1DjX9XgUcY5ajF46LnpoqT0Pyt4_3sZnIpy9QhxAa8c-74Eops9AMH-eqKQ3_TfBpf3tQFtDkMBdJuRj3eihctNhz_HFav-WZzWj5aDRTbB59kJZ_x4OB4y3c3HHzdogS1fFP70M4TaDqDQ_/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaZnpEaDbhtA-zStMFDn1-WctVQURpv4EykaVHOMhEHxAF1DjX9XgUcY5ajF46LnpoqT0Pyt4_3sZnIpy9QhxAa8c-74Eops9AMH-eqKQ3_TfBpf3tQFtDkMBdJuRj3eihctNhz_HFav-WZzWj5aDRTbB59kJZ_x4OB4y3c3HHzdogS1fFP70M4TaDqDQ_/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i><br /></i></div><p></p><p>Something that I thought was really interesting was the scene on Monomi hill where Makoto starts to realize the truth behind who she is, and Yuuichi shouts at her to "Don't remember!"<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRxnufgn6Yo6JiIn0zX0ZYYXjsQMxlKLLOpHdjnXMyLhCn-EOxDCeBXhlkyDVrCUIaHafsxCCkEX03r1Ss5YEfPvlnbeOM84tnMEfRlijXtO3WSVVdhn_AfvZxyxI5sx8eLvaTU6M1OQvVramM6ZR_AoWRPkHHE4AvC2LIA_zMAO1Rb9E5WV2LJ6OKJEeZ/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRxnufgn6Yo6JiIn0zX0ZYYXjsQMxlKLLOpHdjnXMyLhCn-EOxDCeBXhlkyDVrCUIaHafsxCCkEX03r1Ss5YEfPvlnbeOM84tnMEfRlijXtO3WSVVdhn_AfvZxyxI5sx8eLvaTU6M1OQvVramM6ZR_AoWRPkHHE4AvC2LIA_zMAO1Rb9E5WV2LJ6OKJEeZ/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i><br /></i></div><p></p><p>I think that on a surface level, this is about a fear that the "magic will be broken" if Makoto realizes who she is, and Yuuichi doesn't want that to happen. But I think it's a little deeper than that -- Yuuichi just doesn't want things to change right now. Being confronted by the impending loss of Makoto, whom he basically considers to be family by now, he just wants things to stay the same.</p><p>This, of course, is a choice that Yuuichi has. If it was someone else in this same situation, they may have thought it more important that they express everything honestly. To apologize for leaving Makoto (as a fox) behind all of those years ago. I think to some people that apology would be extremely important. After all, Makoto-meowmie essentially sacrificed her life and memories to come back because of that betrayal, right? Realizing the truth of the matter, wouldn't you want to apologize?</p><p>But no, Yuuichi decides that the truth isn't important right now, and instead that he'd rather just see Makoto happy. And that is his own personal way of atoning for the guilt, regret, and sadness that he experienced in the past. That path is just as valid as any, and it's especially true in the case of animals, where we often can't communicate nuances such as beliefs, apologies, and such. All we can do is try to share our time and emotions with them. We ask ourselves both, what would make them happy, and what would make us less sad. The answer is different for everyone.</p><p><br /></p><p>Something else that's interesting that I don't think I really "got" fully on my first watch is the importance of Piroshiki the cat, in Makoto's arc. There's this scene that comes sort of out-of-the-blue where Makoto, after warming up to Piroshiki, drops the meowmie off of a bridge (!) (luckily, she ends up okay).<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-8nB1Xh5JscPjiLOw36eIjYhMEC-cGvahtwVq2kv8ztWyKn_FaRWAurJ0JrlqjsE9K4pPWYFVxS9JDzLEgNfGXdbMM1JkusnNkwp2c62D4xZgYyLOlBnonNcjiZqW2jggEUpS8zxakVgSaQnN71lvt25msaDRnXFkX-_TLzjSv1hk8XcC8NpZ5fzCmey/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-8nB1Xh5JscPjiLOw36eIjYhMEC-cGvahtwVq2kv8ztWyKn_FaRWAurJ0JrlqjsE9K4pPWYFVxS9JDzLEgNfGXdbMM1JkusnNkwp2c62D4xZgYyLOlBnonNcjiZqW2jggEUpS8zxakVgSaQnN71lvt25msaDRnXFkX-_TLzjSv1hk8XcC8NpZ5fzCmey/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i>"Animals are thrown away when they're no longer wanted. Don't you think so? [...] We should send it back to the wild before it gets used to an easy life at home."</i></div><p>Of course, this is referencing the way that Makoto (subconsciously?) feels like she was tossed aside years ago by Yuuichi. Afterwards, Makoto and Yuuichi break into an argument, with Makoto arguing that "It'll manage somehow", but Yuuichi demanding to know why she acts so irresponsible, saying "It could end up who-knows-where and die!" This is probably the first time that Yuuichi is seriously angry at Makoto, which interestingly enough is conveyed by the fact that he =doesn't= hit her, but instead holds back his arm.<br /></p><p>At the time, it hasn't been revealed who Makoto really is yet, so I think the scene is a little confusing. The original visual novel foreshadows this in a more direct way, reading like this (emphasis is mine):</p><p><i>Yuuichi: "Really. It'd be better to take him home with us."<br />Yuuichi: "If he has somewhere else to live, he'll just go back there anyway. And if he doesn't we can keep him."<br />Yuuichi: "I'm sure Akiko-san won't mind."<br /><b>Makoto: "That's cruel, taking a wild animal and turning it into a pet!"</b><br /><b>Makoto: "We've got to send him back to the countryside."</b><br />Yuuichi: "You're the wild one..."<br />Yuuichi: "Besides, he isn't a wild animal."<br />That he's been cared for by people is clear from the way he's instantly become attached to Makoto.<br />Yuuichi: "You can't just leave him, it's too dangerous."<br /><b>Yuuichi: "Don't you think you should be taking care of him, not threatening him?"</b><br /></i></p>This is a really fascinating scene upon second watch. because one reading of it paints Yuuichi as a kind of hypocrite as he's the one who abandoned Makoto-meowmie a long time ago. In a sense this scene is pointing out "Hey Yuuichi, remember when you abandoned your pet fox up on the hill? Yeah, that was pretty messed up, wasn't it? Oh, you don't want me to get rid of this cat? That's really rich coming from you."<br /><p>In both instances Yuuichi delivers the line "Crying isn't going to bring it back!", which if you know what happens later, is a bit of fateful irony.</p><p>This scene I think is weirdly flawed, I think dropping Piroshiki crosses a line that probably draws more ire than intended for Makoto (already a bratty character up until this point), and while there are a lot of subtle hints toward Makoto being animal-like in her true nature, I think the requisite context isn't quite there for the dialogue to land effectively, especially in the anime adaptation where it's a little less direct. On first watch I think the scene at best just lends itself to Makoto being bitter at being abandoned in the past (we already know that she has amnesia), but I think it loses its real meaning in the irony of Yuuichi scolding Makoto for letting go of Piroshiki.<br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p><p>But the little mini arc of Piroshiki does effectively start to raise the question of what it means to "care" for an animal, and by extension, a loved one. In the next episode, Makoto happily feeds Piroshiki some cold milk, but the meowmie ends up with an upset stomach, which Yuuichi scolds her for, saying "Don't just fuss over her. Treat her with care."</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiSX0C9GUZsFc9glpN9s9Y89gavuXpuqrzBhgQCZxdh5eT76bZM9a_oN1mT8nXo6i3V7V5knwFC-c73yOl-vOix2e53MQkBDU0XGx03OeU9RhmsxQ6iihmDW9uaY9f-Ql-6fXRLqqtx3f8nmxHeI6pqBm25iGOBqAKqYs5cipnotCc0_WobOw5gmTcJ_aH/s1280/Untitled.png"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiSX0C9GUZsFc9glpN9s9Y89gavuXpuqrzBhgQCZxdh5eT76bZM9a_oN1mT8nXo6i3V7V5knwFC-c73yOl-vOix2e53MQkBDU0XGx03OeU9RhmsxQ6iihmDW9uaY9f-Ql-6fXRLqqtx3f8nmxHeI6pqBm25iGOBqAKqYs5cipnotCc0_WobOw5gmTcJ_aH/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Meowmies gotta stick together!</i><br /></div><div><p>Yuuichi, of course, has to deal with this predicament himself, as Makoto quickly devolves to being incapable of much at all. Later we get this scene where Yuuichi forces a complaining Makoto to stand still while he helps her brush her teeth:<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipruvP4VOnENfF3k4p-NoCTL5z5UCjSP3DRFGj-NXo-YS7RgIx7NBYFLb3Ex32Zati8QMWdS0dMDaBwQiBxpe5fLG-yJ1qcG6wRjyahoMaNvD_aqs6mG1rAGqhhE86nnMYxoSnHSCf7uoV7A3TIT-KzYSCvgMjGXPRjI9bQg2kM-L2C4r7bwtSPNhAWMKi/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipruvP4VOnENfF3k4p-NoCTL5z5UCjSP3DRFGj-NXo-YS7RgIx7NBYFLb3Ex32Zati8QMWdS0dMDaBwQiBxpe5fLG-yJ1qcG6wRjyahoMaNvD_aqs6mG1rAGqhhE86nnMYxoSnHSCf7uoV7A3TIT-KzYSCvgMjGXPRjI9bQg2kM-L2C4r7bwtSPNhAWMKi/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Is this what you wanted out of your romance story?</i><br /></div><div><p>I think I remember seeing this scene and thinking it was kinda just weird. Like I sort of got it, Makoto is devolving to basically be a little kid (not that she was very grown-up to begin with...?), and this is sort of a nod to caring for someone in that kind of way. But watching it again, this is much more evocative of the way that pet owners need to take care of their pets. (If only cats would sit still while you brush their teeth like this...) That just isn't an experience that I had had back then, but now...heck, I've used a toothbrush to <i>clean my chickens' feet</i>, so yeah, I get it now. With pets (and I guess, with children), you're often having to do things for their benefit that they don't exactly enjoy or appreciate. There's a sort of balance that needs to be had there, and that balance gets...tricky...when you know that somebody's life is coming to an end.<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>While I think the core of Makoto's arc centers around "How do you share time with a loved one when you know they are going to disappear?", there are other themes that are touched upon too, like dealing with abandonment and a fear of someone disappearing. I think we've all been through some sort of abandonment in our lives; I think watching Makoto in both of her forms really evoked some strong emotions in me at what it felt like to be thrown away, or to have a loved one disappear from my life and not be able to find them.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghHCPZDCpZg-WdoQspyZFRvW7SiKNlsm2puuupneC6RiLm1YVjU2VuRQiY_WVcIOlzFxE0Otn08ttYsZztl35d6BgAkZKPIYnRenWZtxOeRiRZiN1Uvh3iRq3iKFKA88OY7lGiexgbXvulEfFdNYjCKuUccKowG9QP8XfeKHUXHQXFw9xHQ3NoYvq_e80R/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghHCPZDCpZg-WdoQspyZFRvW7SiKNlsm2puuupneC6RiLm1YVjU2VuRQiY_WVcIOlzFxE0Otn08ttYsZztl35d6BgAkZKPIYnRenWZtxOeRiRZiN1Uvh3iRq3iKFKA88OY7lGiexgbXvulEfFdNYjCKuUccKowG9QP8XfeKHUXHQXFw9xHQ3NoYvq_e80R/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>One of the few times when I felt like marriage was such a sweet idea...</i><br /></div><div><p>I think it's really interesting how viewing Makoto through the lens of a human being and viewing her through the lens of being a fox-meowmie can be different, and I think it's a really good emotional idea and execution to bring both of those feelings into this sort of story. Because I think when a girl says "Marry me, so we can always be together", that's sort of cliche or almost cringey, right? But when Kanon poses the question in a different way, "Do you wish that you can be together with your pet forever?" then you get a totally different emotional response. Because OF COURSE we all want to be with our loved pets forever, no questions about it. When we have interactions and relations with other humans, they often get bogged down by all sorts of history, conflicts, and emotional baggage, but oftentimes relationships with pets are simpler. They remind us of what is really important when it comes to connecting with each other.<br /></p><p> </p><p>Episode 10 is where everything with Makoto's arc comes to a head, and an end. It's an episode that I remember really well because it has so many good moments.</p><p>First, there's the scene where Amano meets Makoto. Amano, the girl who already experienced the same kind of loss in the past, and initially doesn't want to become friends with Makoto, for fear of getting hurt again.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha7rRP59mKdNpiEMY6FjbjQHjTJi1f2cFr9aNsEdW3vCU3EUUDtbAcoU9Yt8jQEXW4CDYUhSx4MnRPFUUHbeUJxqfZkYCWNilmWtgMUF13PkPe-fsKm-cO8K1bbHou3y-aaKaz0Fu_6QnRqkG879vMfQpB7IxGnuLzALCr2-f_2-KAhq2_cTPeyHRr0r5g/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha7rRP59mKdNpiEMY6FjbjQHjTJi1f2cFr9aNsEdW3vCU3EUUDtbAcoU9Yt8jQEXW4CDYUhSx4MnRPFUUHbeUJxqfZkYCWNilmWtgMUF13PkPe-fsKm-cO8K1bbHou3y-aaKaz0Fu_6QnRqkG879vMfQpB7IxGnuLzALCr2-f_2-KAhq2_cTPeyHRr0r5g/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Really relatable.</i><br /></div><div><p>There's a "tiny miracle" of sorts when Makoto -- who at this point only makes weak animal-like noises -- is able to remember, and speak, both her own name, and that of Yuuichi. It's such a small and simple thing, but because Makoto is about to disappear, it holds special meaning in our hearts (or at least, it does in mine).<br /></p><p>And the rest of this episode is full of this kind of emotion, too. I found myself really tearing up as I watched Makoto spend her final happy days together with Yuuichi, Akiko, and Nayuki.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBtFbwuY5IrSIGiCq2Lotf8L_r0LkOfTXzwDkcTnMwtX8jS1_K5Oo9UjZSU9t3g8vvRY0K9ioQfFb38mhxCUen35zZXsRFpDmXI2HXtc2zjaoRKS2njegTvcrZGejEyLAJ8rxGDFAwVEXOe3xNn4X_9vHpsnwUFQA59BU4Y4o4IG88d-u_eHE0uyKm5n-h/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBtFbwuY5IrSIGiCq2Lotf8L_r0LkOfTXzwDkcTnMwtX8jS1_K5Oo9UjZSU9t3g8vvRY0K9ioQfFb38mhxCUen35zZXsRFpDmXI2HXtc2zjaoRKS2njegTvcrZGejEyLAJ8rxGDFAwVEXOe3xNn4X_9vHpsnwUFQA59BU4Y4o4IG88d-u_eHE0uyKm5n-h/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>Extremely rare footage of Yuuichi smiling and wearing a tie</i>...<br /></div></div><div><p></p><p>As a ~20-year-old back in 2008 this photobooth scene in the visual novel got to me, because it spoke to the feeling of finally, finally having a desire for human connection fulfilled. The feeling of being with loved ones. Truth be told, I feel like it is only as recently as this year that I've been able to experience the exact feeling in the image above.</p><p><i>“Of course. This is what she always does. Just stand there, looking
in, while others have fun. Waiting for everyone else to leave, and then
taking a lonely photo by herself. A photo she’d treasure; a picture of
a vision of loneliness.”</i></p><p><i>“She has emotions still. Most of them may
be lost, but this can arouse joy still. Because she wanted this so
much. She’s been longing to do this for so long. All she’s wanted has
been to stand among a group. To bathe in the warmth and comfort of the
bonds of human relationships. This tiny, trivial thing has been her
fondest desire.”</i></p><p style="text-align: left;">But I think these sort of scenes also remind us what of what is important in life. We don't always know when our loved ones will disappear. Why did it have to wait until now for Makoto to have this experience? And what is preventing us from creating these sorts of fond memories in our day to day lives?<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">Particularly heartbreaking is the scene where Akiko-san says bye to Makoto and then starts crying, presumably because she knows she probably won't ever see her again.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrm0MjQYkYTRZuS03CYYFOApdzJ8yWWIzeaflQTNzPLbS2C3GFKmF2dEtCWbPqy9rPmcqaDDoy7oQy2G7LgcpeJHPpf1J5JO2Sh0-Tj6RhIayqm65PuyqZYMT2q5pYY1cInK0bzwY6u50zkgLRqxKCC0xVFl0VvvcjkuInyWXaEgd8r0TYVYsD8StxUxL/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrm0MjQYkYTRZuS03CYYFOApdzJ8yWWIzeaflQTNzPLbS2C3GFKmF2dEtCWbPqy9rPmcqaDDoy7oQy2G7LgcpeJHPpf1J5JO2Sh0-Tj6RhIayqm65PuyqZYMT2q5pYY1cInK0bzwY6u50zkgLRqxKCC0xVFl0VvvcjkuInyWXaEgd8r0TYVYsD8StxUxL/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i>A mother's intuition...<br /></i></div><p style="text-align: left;">There's a part of me that realizes that these happy experiences are only made more meaningful by the tragic backstory -- that's the whole setup of the "crying game", after all. It feels extra poignant that Makoto is getting her warm fuzzy memories because we know that seven years ago she was abandoned up on that hill and cried out. In a way, these happy memories are Yuuichi's way, and our way, of trying to make up for that time.</p><p style="text-align: left;">One might ask whether Makoto "deserves" this happiness. She was a total brat for 5+ episodes, after all! Isn't it a little messed up to get this sort of emotional satisfaction just because we feel bad for a wrongdoing to her in the past?</p><p style="text-align: left;">First, I don't think it's right to say who "deserves" or doesn't deserve happiness or love. Of course, I think it is important for us to be very conscious about love and relationships, but I also think that it's essential for us to believe that love is not "deserved" or "earned". That we are "enough", even without having to do anything special besides be ourselves.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7n1Agcte0IREU4fmgYz2xoZUp2Z65InN9TqJCwwI0_gt5-VGjHVuyn486Ij0FNf3ksRmJpw7setvNYUDzHuPtAyp3p0iQrhNVGLuSBbiU26AVVDc8AjBhpDHQqMyCa5dNe2hkwnR9LESm3OZOMWpwVhuoaIMtN6zm5GhEB3Pu-76fINQmc_JShCM9PRC-/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7n1Agcte0IREU4fmgYz2xoZUp2Z65InN9TqJCwwI0_gt5-VGjHVuyn486Ij0FNf3ksRmJpw7setvNYUDzHuPtAyp3p0iQrhNVGLuSBbiU26AVVDc8AjBhpDHQqMyCa5dNe2hkwnR9LESm3OZOMWpwVhuoaIMtN6zm5GhEB3Pu-76fINQmc_JShCM9PRC-/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i>Sometimes it's the happiest scenes that bring tears.</i> <br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">But more importantly, when it comes to end-of-life, part of the whole deal is that the bereaved are the ones who are going to have to live on and carry on the emotional feelings and consequences of what happens. Of course, Yuuichi and co are doing what they think is going to make Makoto happy. But they are also making the decision that they think they will be able to live with as they continue on with their lives. Living without regrets -- this means different things for different people. When Amano says "If there is something she wants, please let it happen for her", she also implicitly means "If there is something you feel like you should do with her, please do it".<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsBmZCg80axHjSXG5r7ql_hbBf1BKAZMXBpdX8VOM_fNj-0kzOKtTQ6-CAWt0BPNBBANMDb7eQ_6Sew7p88OC1KLHkG3Sjsl35nwc2DbmNGeRxHe7l-yLItsKaJzNnOzj1xMXGIlj6uGUESd-b3Jogz6D_6y6gVH6qGT4U4EWK2jjCP6Us0usHrtwn6QYH/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsBmZCg80axHjSXG5r7ql_hbBf1BKAZMXBpdX8VOM_fNj-0kzOKtTQ6-CAWt0BPNBBANMDb7eQ_6Sew7p88OC1KLHkG3Sjsl35nwc2DbmNGeRxHe7l-yLItsKaJzNnOzj1xMXGIlj6uGUESd-b3Jogz6D_6y6gVH6qGT4U4EWK2jjCP6Us0usHrtwn6QYH/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a><i></3</i><br /></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">Surprisingly, I didn't find myself breaking down and bawling during Makoto's final moments. Perhaps that is because I already remembered that scene extremely well, so I already knew exactly what was coming. In that way, it seemed more like a formality that needed to be gone through. Perhaps when I witness a loved one passing in front of me, it will be similar. The actual grief and emotions will come not at that moment, but in all of the other small moments that happen along the way, and after the fact.<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4h4_uksIo4SUBdg0P-N5mzI0Oq6_8a4h3NGOixZh8vIWVdPVtN7JJZqjBfDqUo-mH7MNEUwuHiqMU-e45guY__qGIH7lt0mGHnuUzQFVZAdt5iLicdTsim7gQZBME7OmKr0GbL6cO9BmEoxCqMfU_3xnyMHmRsiqxLWamEnrHNrCuk9_69ROuYAX6a9FD/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4h4_uksIo4SUBdg0P-N5mzI0Oq6_8a4h3NGOixZh8vIWVdPVtN7JJZqjBfDqUo-mH7MNEUwuHiqMU-e45guY__qGIH7lt0mGHnuUzQFVZAdt5iLicdTsim7gQZBME7OmKr0GbL6cO9BmEoxCqMfU_3xnyMHmRsiqxLWamEnrHNrCuk9_69ROuYAX6a9FD/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><p style="text-align: left;">Makoto's story is, in a way, rife with what you might call "suffering/emotion porn", drawing you into a tragic situation to make you feel emotions for her.</p><p style="text-align: left;">...but it's also so much more than that.</p><p style="text-align: left;">It asks us to think about our loved ones, and our pets, and consider how we should be caring for them, not just at the end of their lives, but at every moment along the way. It makes us wish that we could be together with them forever, while realizing that we never can.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Makoto is a bratty tsundere. Her main outfit isn't remarkable. Honestly, it's hard to consider picking her out as a favorite upon first meeting all of the characters in Kanon, and I think the first half of her arc is a bit too one-note before her character starts to change. On my first watch, I think her story only resonated with me because I felt a kinship in her weak frail state -- as someone who regularly "lost the ability to speak", and found myself to shy to step forward into social interactions (like at the photo booth).<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">But somehow, my appreciation for Makoto is so much deeper this time. (Would you expect any less, from a co-creator of "Goodnight Meowmie"?) While her story is fantastical, it somehow feels extremely grounded in real experiences for me. </p><p style="text-align: left;">The time that Yuuichi sits with Makoto on the hill during her last moments, simply ringing the bells on her wrist and talking to her. Just being with her in the very end. I once sat with a loved one of mine, in the hospital, a year ago. Just the two of us, in the room together, knowing that it would be the last time that I ever saw her. I wrote this about it:<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><i>I don't know if it made any difference, that I was able to see her one
last time. I don't know if she remembered me, if she remembered the
song that I sang to her, remembered the song that I played for her. I
don't know if she felt glad, if she felt at peace, if she felt in pain,
if she simply felt tired. Of course, I would like to think that she
remembered. That she looked at me, and she knew that I had come back
for her. That I still loved her, and that she still loved me.</i></p><p><i>I don't know how differently it would have felt, not being able to
see her like this. Would it have
hurt just as much? Less? More?</i></p><i>All I know right now is the
sadness in my heart, and the fear that no one will be able to take it
away. I never would have thought that I would feel this alone without
you. But I do. And it hurts a lot.</i><p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRrVzLFKMSnLnB9jUFdLk249Y-CfJb9Y_huu0-uKwRQJxN3jPv02GZOsorvPfVp_dWQyx5NduKBqmQOqB7JirHKSH5IEdZrvk_f20AcQo9ZRi7Cd-eALvXkb1rRMIMeNakmDUsvHSEsuRfiJohWPu1sfunD0Aojl98xo9z2tVMc4lo-t8LUrEL79uo6Py1/s1280/Untitled.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRrVzLFKMSnLnB9jUFdLk249Y-CfJb9Y_huu0-uKwRQJxN3jPv02GZOsorvPfVp_dWQyx5NduKBqmQOqB7JirHKSH5IEdZrvk_f20AcQo9ZRi7Cd-eALvXkb1rRMIMeNakmDUsvHSEsuRfiJohWPu1sfunD0Aojl98xo9z2tVMc4lo-t8LUrEL79uo6Py1/w640-h360/Untitled.png" width="640" /></a></div></div><div></div><div><p style="text-align: left;">For completeness' sake I should mention that there's a different reading of Makoto's arc as being tied to the idea of how to face mental debilitation in our loved ones -- how do we care for and interact with those who are important to us when they can't effectively communicate with us effectively anymore? While I think this is a pretty valid theme analysis of Makoto's story, it resonates less with me personally than what I've already talked about.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Maybe it's disrespectful of me, but I feel like I see just as much importance in Makoto being a fox-meowmie as I do in her taking the form of a human (probably just my bias toward the past...). I think because of this it's easier for me to see Makoto's "auu..." self as being more true to her natural form, when compared to her bratty tsundere persona, which doesn't match how she initially was as a fox. So when Makoto reverts to being more fox-like, it's hard for me to read it under the lens of her personality "disappearing", it feels like being happy together with Yuuichi like siblings or family (like they were when she was an injured fox) is really her true self. That's why I feel like her tsundere-phase went on for perhaps a bit too long (though it's better for comedic pacing), I feel like the only reason she was that way was because she was still angry at being abandoned and Yuuichi was being thick-headed and didn't have a clue.<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">Well, that was a lot, but I have a lot of feelings about Makoto! Don't expect this amount of writing for all of the other characters in Kanon, I think hopefelly there will be a lot less.<br /></p></div>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-50556033528218725492023-12-29T01:43:00.000-08:002023-12-29T01:43:07.063-08:00Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 1: Intro<p>I decided to take some time this holiday season to rewatch the 2006 Kyoani anime adaptation of <i>Kanon</i>. I wanted to write down my thoughts as I go through each arc of the story, to help me process and think about it a little more deeply.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjcv1PbANBmrPFYPEsJ17YinHFOWV4SOo01X3rO7jbx3uJB9VMMG1BUM3XRjj9wOFPgb6i6tCpE0xx_RsExJjExzBlKToHu_LA55-cG5UYa3itIMLGgHw7f_3vWz9JAiKICOFxdpYKRErv-Iq3EtsDXopnZMDT7n-EHsYETIzCm83uY9SjANXbIgmuFzPeL" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjcv1PbANBmrPFYPEsJ17YinHFOWV4SOo01X3rO7jbx3uJB9VMMG1BUM3XRjj9wOFPgb6i6tCpE0xx_RsExJjExzBlKToHu_LA55-cG5UYa3itIMLGgHw7f_3vWz9JAiKICOFxdpYKRErv-Iq3EtsDXopnZMDT7n-EHsYETIzCm83uY9SjANXbIgmuFzPeL=w640-h360" width="640" /></a>It's not Kanon without pretty snow!</i><br /></div><p></p><p>I first watched this anime in 2008 -- though I had previously watched the Toei adaptation (released in 2002). I had not played through the original visual novel until afterwards in 2010.</p><p>It's been a while since I seriously thought about Kanon, but it definitely left an impact on me as a standout anime during a time when admittedly the standard for what passed as "good" was much lower (both for me personally, and probably for everyone as a whole). This rewatch was motivated by a confluence of different things -- a conversation with a friend, along with a viewing of a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNztnclCrRI" target="_blank">video essay entitled "Memories & Grief in Kanon"</a>, as well as the subject matter of my latest pixel artwork, which was drawn by referencing a scene from Kanon:</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhopdTiS9Rduca4P6j1HfAdjP9dAXIygRbfwA2DbNaSPNsSBYWX93la8X4I_CHsg9A55w6NgGqy7htrZ7NAOqP1oZPG0yFmKAecpjXB08K3m7phMZw3rPtrnGeLqTGfuPWIzjqL8DdtJdgXU1Kc7zXrCorcZTzTqx-ze2BlOCLiTfq_4Yt35XjKLvirUfcM" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhopdTiS9Rduca4P6j1HfAdjP9dAXIygRbfwA2DbNaSPNsSBYWX93la8X4I_CHsg9A55w6NgGqy7htrZ7NAOqP1oZPG0yFmKAecpjXB08K3m7phMZw3rPtrnGeLqTGfuPWIzjqL8DdtJdgXU1Kc7zXrCorcZTzTqx-ze2BlOCLiTfq_4Yt35XjKLvirUfcM" width="240" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>Good meowmie.</i><br /></div><p></p><p>The aforementioned video essay really piqued my curiosity as to how I would approach Kanon upon second watch, especially as I've gone through some very significant and impactful life experiences since then, resulting in less of a one-note understanding of grief, loss, and these types of things.</p><p>Amelie Doree says in their video's premise:</p><p><i>The major theme of Kanon as I see it, is grief. The pain of losing friends and family, of things coming to an end. The regret we carry with us from our past, and how we choose to cope with all of it. What do we do when someone we love is going to pass away? How do we hide our pain and our scars, and should we even hide them? Should we just forget about everything that's hurt us and what happens when we do?</i></p><p><i></i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhB6m2qyt6aVRj1p-EbBEaNxdF8LQzt-FhOsORNzoakDehCOI79aIE3g4IQVOOVvitLsQnpAKbFpJ-rYqhUYIVj5MhtwBzwGYm6ofSwo9m8It0xts1lXSM7NgMnrzK60kTHtaxGwS13fywV59iL7xztCWT1aKLyn0QWYGaAnW1gXonbyuTC9bDk2xvLpbze" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhB6m2qyt6aVRj1p-EbBEaNxdF8LQzt-FhOsORNzoakDehCOI79aIE3g4IQVOOVvitLsQnpAKbFpJ-rYqhUYIVj5MhtwBzwGYm6ofSwo9m8It0xts1lXSM7NgMnrzK60kTHtaxGwS13fywV59iL7xztCWT1aKLyn0QWYGaAnW1gXonbyuTC9bDk2xvLpbze=w640-h360" width="640" /></a>"Are you crying yet?"<br /></i></div><p></p><p>Kanon as a game (and anime) is structured as a "nakige" or "crying game", attempting to present endearing characters and then formulate emotional or tragic situations around them. From Wikipedia:</p><p><i>The developers at Tactics created a simple formula for a game: a comedic
first half with a heart-warming romantic middle followed by a tragic
separation and finally an emotional reunion formed what is known as a
"crying game". The main purpose of such a game is to make the player
feel for the characters and make them cry due to emotional scenarios
which serves to leave a bigger impact on the player after the game is
over.</i></p><p>Kanon has always been my favorite of the three Key VNs (Air, Kanon, and Clannad); I think some of its characters, stories, and situations really stuck with me. I've long since moved on from praising it as my favorite anime, or holding strong attachments to its characters, but I'm curious to see how I'll see it this time around, with a new perspective after 10+ years.<br /></p><p>Of course, I can't really write about the major themes and points of the show without going into spoilers, so proceed at your own risk for the rest of these posts. I won't be doing a per-episode play-by-play, but instead will stop to parse my thoughts after each of the major arcs in the anime. I'll start with the intro and Makoto's arc, which I've just finished (spanning episodes 1-10 out of 24).<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-17738875174397507822023-12-23T03:49:00.000-08:002023-12-23T03:49:51.298-08:00<p>Yet somehow, even in these days, there are still things that I do that remind myself that there is still some hope, some compassion, some spirit left in me. That I still bother sometimes, to do something special.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-22046228030270356792023-12-18T16:12:00.000-08:002023-12-18T16:12:24.398-08:00Sand Castles (2)<p>At the same time, I feel like it is essential, vital, even, for me to be close to people, even if only a select few. Because it is that closeness that allows me to more readily open myself up to other viewpoints. And it is shared vulnerability that allows us to gently remind each other that we cannot always understand others through our own tinted lenses. Loving someone who lives their life in a different way than you, is something that can cause you the sort of existential crisis that both reminds you of who you are while at the same time teaching you about who you could be. That is not to say that you need to love someone who lives in a particularly different way than you, because each and every being in this world lives differently.<br /></p><p><i>"Why?"</i></p><p><i></i></p><p>You asked me this once. Since then, I feel like I understand the answers more and more. But I also understand now, that I have a choice. I used to despair, because I felt like the only thing I could do in life was to build something and then watch it get torn down, grieve, and then do the same thing over and over again. And no matter how much thought and care I put into building that perfect castle, the ceaseless waves would always come and erode it before my eyes.</p><p><a href="https://ddrkirbyisq.blogspot.com/2016/01/sand-castles.html">I still build those castles</a>, in the sand. It's important to me. But I've also come to realize that there are other things that are also important to me. That blue fish in the water that captured my heart so much that I cried when it disappeared. The sound of the stream, steadily trickling. The stillness of a lake undisturbed. The quietness that can only belong to the night air.</p><p><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjlt7yI2Ortvih4QCzJj86rPdFVUdJq_T3t400pM7l4erDHyeeeSYH7fqXx_4VSZrVjFef5J-ukvIqlUTadVkz9pL9pYeFjNGCsuvNtDsGgloKUWPwbM8HD6Tt2WMt8SkwK4L7kxDsi6lO/s320/castle.jpg" width="320" /> </p><p>We are all building our own sand castles. But it's not the reason we are here.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-13371924970531579372023-12-17T22:17:00.000-08:002023-12-17T22:17:13.402-08:00<p>It's not really a good practice, I feel, to prop up your own ego by seeing yourself as superior to others. Self-worth drawn from comparison just doesn't seem like something that is healthy. But I think sometimes it can be healthy to come up against opposing viewpoints for the sole purpose of realizing that you so vehemently believe that they are wrong. Sometimes it strengthens your convictions to be told something that you already know in your heart, beyond a doubt, is not right for you.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016334647663832213.post-12535671734059008522023-12-15T14:33:00.000-08:002023-12-15T14:42:20.514-08:00<p>Earlier this year in the spring I went through a phase where I was really holding conflicting emotions that were valid all at the same time. Having both positive and negative feeling about something and having both be justified. Maybe it's the same recently, too.</p><p>=====</p><p>I got the main bulk of my Christmas stuff done! I don't know if I will play Santa this year, there are just a few deliveries to do but mostly it's just a matter of waiting for things to ship, both from and to me. I'm glad to have mostly pulled it off successfully despite starting so late.</p><p>=====</p><p>Rhythm Quest dev work has been taking a bit of a lull because I've been occupied with that, and other stuff, but I'm still chugging along here and there, as I always try to do. I released a patch update the other day and been continuing to work here and there on custom levels and bugfixes.</p><p>=====</p><p>I play Gran Turismo 4 here and there, it's fun, though I feel like I'd be so much more terrible without abusing save-states. I think it's not just the steering wheel, but the physics in the game are more punishing than in GT3 I think, the tuning and handling of the cars tends to make them just harder to turn in general, so careful attention must be given to how the cars are tuned otherwise it's really hard to get through the corners (and sometimes just gentle curves) well.</p><p>=====</p><p>I finally hit sub-50 in Super Metroid! I had a run which seemed totally botched, but I picked up the pieces and tried to clutch together a PB -- it ended up being enough for a 49:45. I can definitely do better with this route (KPDR), so I might give it a handful more tries so that I can put together a slightly cleaner run, but past that it might be time to start looking at Phantoon-first routes and seeing if I can manage those.</p><p>=====</p><p>I bought a Womier SK-71 to be given as a gift. It's actually super nice; it makes me excited to get my next two (wait...when did I order so many) keyboards. Overall it's solidly built -- it's aluminum and the stock stabilizers are actually great which is a welcome change from the keyboards I've been using up until this point. It sounds nice, too, and comes in a nice blue color. <br /></p><p>===== <br /></p><p>I have a lot to be thinking about, I guess, this weekend and beyond. I feel happy and bad and glad and sad. It's hard for me, though, to put aside the nagging feeling that I've just been selfishly ruining things left and right over time, just a pattern that I see. Of course, maybe it's just confirmation bias, like of course your mistakes are going to stand out more than all of the times when you just did okay, just like how it always stands out when you have to put away somebody else's dishes but you don't really think about the times when that happened for you because you weren't there to notice it.</p><p>Of course, even if it was a pattern, it's not like there is really anything to do from that information; I think I am fortunately past the point where I simply use that information to conclude that I'm a royal @#$!-up and am just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. But it's frustrating to see myself fall victim to the same ignorance multiple times. I think if it was something more like "being too self-deprecating" or "not strong enough to face vulnerability" I think it would be easier for me to stomach, you know? But no, this is something more just like I was just thinking about myself and disregarded what other people might be thinking and feeling.</p><p>I mean, it is not like that never happened to me or other people before. I'm used to being someone who quietly notices things; like when I was at a dinner get-together and one person in our group was too excitedly ordering things and didn't leave much room for our guests to have enough of a say. But somehow there's certain things where I just screwed up a lot. It's really not that good.</p><p>I went diving back into my time capsules to search for some tranquility from the past and this time the past reminded me of other times when I was immature and didn't know how to deal with situations properly -_-. Well, somehow, that doesn't really dissuade or discourage me from continuing to look back for comfort. Maybe history repeats itself sometimes, even if we fail in the same ways, at the very least it means that we will continue to learn each time, and be reminded that even though we made mistakes, things turned out okay in the end.</p><p>Sometimes I think about the mistakes I've made over the years. Just all sorts of little and big ones alike. There are some mistakes that I've been able to absolve myself for, because frankly, they were mistakes that I don't blame myself for in the slightest. "Forced errors", you could call them. I was put into a situation where it was all but understandable that I would fail. Marching band was one of those times. I did a lot of stupid things, but even stupider was the fact that the situation I found myself in set me up for failure. Given the circumstances, I performed really well -- though, I seemed to have come away with more trauma than some of my other contemporaries.</p><p>Earlier this year, too. It's not really that it was "not my fault" or anything like that, but I feel like I empathize with my past self in a way that, I would forgive them for not knowing how to come out of a painful situation with no losses.</p><p>Sometimes I end up forgiving myself because "I was too young" or "I didn't know better". A lot of my earlier social interactions go into that placing. Yeah, what I did really wasn't good. But I still needed time to learn those lessons, and did not have the best of teachers on my side (to put it lightly). There are even some really big mistakes that I made in the past that I think I can forgive myself for.</p><p>I don't know if it is all of them, though. Sometimes I look at what happened and it's hard to not just come to the conclusion, "you should have known better". I guess that is still something that can be treated with forgiveness, though. Like I said in the beginning, sometimes you can carry two conflicting emotions at the same time. It is accepting the lack and futility of perfection that allows us to confront our mistakes and begin to grow toward becoming something better than before.</p><p>In the past when I used to think more about self-rejection and worthlessness, I think it often made me feel that I need to try and accept others more readily, so that I can also learn that myself is worth accepting. That I cannot stop judging myself unless I also learn to stop judging others.</p><p>Maybe when I make mistakes like this, it is not merely a reminder of the responsibility I have toward others, but also a reminder to accept the mistakes of others. That forgiveness, like acceptance, is something that might also need to be given in order to be received.</p><p>=====</p><p>But separate from all of that, there is a loss to be grieved, a loss of something that I never really had in the first place. I don't really know how I feel about it yet. It is simultaneously something that wasn't important at all to me that I lost, but also something that seems like my world revolves around it. I think the things that come to my mind when I think about my loss, is "do I really want to cling to this, too?"</p><p>After looking for Kiki's shadow for 10 years, I am not only wary but also weary. But I feel like =hope=, =love=, and =faith= are the only things that are strong enough to remind me that there is still light in the darkness, if I will just keep on continuing to walk forward. Even in those times before when I found myself in the clutches of despair, those things still reminded me to find the next light. I'm no longer in those clutches anymore, but I find myself, again, being gently pulled forward by a voice, telling me that wandering through the dark is still worthwhile.</p><p>I know that I lost my anchor already, so I may as well continue to drift in one direction or another.</p><p>=====</p><p>Edit: I realize that a lot of my more thoughtful posts sound really depressing -_-. I'm actually doing fine, of course I'm having a downer of a week, but the things I said about hope, love, and faith are still in my mind. It's going to be ok.<br /></p>DDRKirby(ISQ)http://www.blogger.com/profile/08625140929120610178noreply@blogger.com0