Another leaves my life, forever.  I did not get to say goodbye this time, but I already had, in a way...a while ago.

Somehow I feel more willing to move on from this connection, than most.  Not that I have moved on, but just that I don't feel such a resistance to it.  I think it's because it's not like I'm giving up on something.  It was a terrible thing, but being "stuck" or "not stuck" on it is neither right nor wrong, it's simply a path for me to traverse.  For other things, moving on would mean admitting that life is not the way that it should be, would mean giving up on what I believed should be true.  But not this time.

I'll miss her, I guess.  But it's more a feeling of sadness that she is gone, rather than missing her.  This is because I already knew that she was, in a way, gone from my life, along with the others.  Perhaps if there was a way, if there was a way that they could have been part of my life again, then things would be different.  But I don't think it was meant to be.  And so I think I had already grieved, when I said goodbye for the first time.  Perhaps there are others in my life for whom I would feel a similar way if they also left.

In a way, it's easier this way.  To have to give up on a connection, before it is taken away from you forcibly.  Maybe if I had known all those years ago that I would have to give up on Kiki, things would have turned out much differently, too.  At that time, I didn't know.  She was the one that taught me, what it looks like when someone won't come back.

You were happy, weren't you?  I'm sure it was so painful for you, when you had to leave.  But you had been happy, right?  And before, too.  When we were once together.  When I sang "My Idea of Heaven" to you softly.  My idea of heaven...lying here with you.  I really loved you.  And I miss you.

...

Anyways, my vacation has been nice so far.  I've even managed to do a good amount of work along the way, too.  I can feel that these breaks are healthy for me...this one in particular, I can feel my spirit being refreshed, in a way.  It goes both ways, too.  An excitement at being in a different place, but also an excitement for returning to what is familiar.  I wonder if this feeling is common, for those people who like to try new things often.

Somehow, even though I get better at making games, it never feels easier.  We made it out of Ludum Dare 50 alive, and with a cute little game on our hands, despite my usual (?) burst of despair on Saturday night-ish.

The rest of this month is probably going to be pretty lax for me as I'm taking a trip and such, but I'll of course still try and get things done here and there.

I definitely feel the extra weight that I've been putting on, and can really notice the difference in my eating habits as well.  I guess something just sort of changed in the way my body can handle food, perhaps.

Still solo queuing in Unite a bunch, but it's stayed surprisingly fresh/entertaining.  I had some really nice plays as Absol recently, feels like I've really gotten the hang of the moveset and am starting to actually see moments where I outplay people with good mechanics.  I'm getting a little bit of a better sense of macro game, but...honestly there's only so much you can do in that department when you have a wholly uncoordinated group of randoms.

I've been sleeping with Shia the past few days and I actually feel like it's been helping me sleep better.  I know it's just a coincidence, but I saw Kiki while I was sleeping last night too...not in a way that made me sad, but in a way that made me feel happy.

Not really sure if there's anything else, really.  The weather is getting a lot warmer, which makes the outdoors ruthless during the day and really pleasant at night.  Summer nights carry more meaning for me than they did when I was growing up; I have much more positive associations with them.  It's never too soon to start counting down the days until fall again though, ha ha.

I ended up getting my M rank for TAP Carnival of Death...only a 5xx, but still an M regardless, so that's at least something.

I guess I'm feeling pretty hopeful about things.  On the one hand I can't wait to just shove work aside and just relax and play, but on the other hand, there are things that I'm cautiously excited to work on as well.  Things should be just fine.  Hopefully my chickies will fare okay without me for a while...