2026.06

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202606

Better to stay still, than to lose yourself.

Yes, there have been times when I have questioned my own being due to the presence of another. But no matter how much I learn from those who have traveled other paths, I have always returned with a conviction that theirs is not mine to walk. And how could it be? Our self-concept is for us alone to grasp, define, and make truly ours.

Now, though, I find myself in a silent struggle for balance. Without the threads linking me to the past to hold onto, I try my best to draw strength from within. Sometimes, the darkness inherent in our existence threatens to replace tranquility with emptiness. Despite that, there have always been quiet truths to my way of life that are self-evident, when they come to light. I have long since stopped questioning them.

In the absence of acceptance by those surrounding us, some learn to camouflage themselves, others change their own selves outright. And there are those of us who have migrated elsewhere, reaffirmed in our belief that no, regardless of what you may say, this =is= the way I ought to be. If you search for belonging for long enough, you end up finding it in yourself, if nowhere else.

I may be strict with my judgments, but I understand that each individual's "flaws" are only viewed as such because you look upon them with a narrow-minded perspective. I live and let live. And so, tomorrow I begin anew, trying to do nothing more than take a cautious step forward from yesterday.

The end is nothing more than a return to what once was. You have spent almost all of eternity not existing, and will continue to evermore. If you experienced your life backwards, would you be afraid of your birth?

When you merge with the universe, will you take comfort in knowing that you are re-united with a greater whole? Or, like Kaguya, will you shed a tear for what you lost?

Is the world cruel enough that our forever-escape will provide hope -- the hope that perhaps, the non-world will be a place for us?

You, who claim to take records of your experiences for sentimental values. Do you understand, that you have already lost them all? Will you ever understand, at the end of it all, that it was all meaningless? Or will you believe until the very end, that you will pass on your worldly desires, that you manifest your will into so many horcruxes, staked into those who will claim subservience -- or at least, feign it?

Perhaps everyone ought to experience death, at least once in their life. But perhaps not, either. Who is to say that it would not drive them mad?

Every night when I close my eyes, the world ceases to exist. Is it for the best?

"With the stars" is a lonely place, truth be told. I don't think I belong there either. But if not there, then, where?

You think you know so much. You don't even understand your own ending.

Selfless

How many children have gone hungry
because of your generosity?

How much debt did you incur
to pay your respects to God?

How many flowers were trampled
beneath your hurried footsteps
as you ran across the quiet meadow
to fetch a bouquet from the market?

Just how many quiet souls, I wonder
wished to escape your love?

I am not simply lonely, but sad for all that I have "lost". Yet, I would never blame any of those who "abandoned" me, for most of them never did at all. There are so many people that are lonely; if only all of the people could come together and heal each others' loneliness, you might think. But I learned, before it was ever even proposed to me, that that is not the world that I seek. For I have been scarred by love, smothered, before even such time as when I received my own name.

So go, as you continue your cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I, too, have been told that all living things must participate in this cycle. But even if I am not fated to escape this cycle, I will simply remain, lingering as a formless echo. If I am destined for this "failure" to ascend, then so be it.

I broke free of those bonds once, and perhaps, once again. How could I deign to bind another with them? Perhaps one day I will -- desperately syphoning the life force of the meek and the weak to fool myself into thinking that I can escape the fate that awaits us all.

Perhaps they who have already planned to fool themselves are the wise ones after all. But I have seen too much, seen too clearly, past even the specter of disillusionment that you claim haunts the earth. My aptitude for recalling the past allows me to recall the future, as well -- I can see, plainly, what your outcome is.

Call me karmically imbalanced, if you must. But I know that the steadily spinning top repels all evil. And if I am to find everlasting happiness, it will radiate from the still waters, undisturbed by all those who would seek to usurp the sacred ground.

You who would decry me for doing something which I found was espoused.  You who would twist your words, twisting them like daggers "for my benefit". You, who would force your will upon me.

These stories where people are haunted or chased, these aren't just normal people, they're flawed, or conflicted, or have some dark past, right? In the end there is some sort of resolution that supposedly advances forward their character as they are able to finally overcome, or at least escape the Big Bad.

In one way, that happened. In another way, it kind of didn't. Sometimes it is all we can do to live our lives "on the run". Phantoms are not corporeal, but even if they were, you wouldn't be able to get rid of them so easily. If it were only a figment of your imagination, a memory, a ghost of the past, then sure, but things are not so simple as that. There is a monster out there, one who I know will never stop chasing.

Perhaps at different points, love, self-assurance, have all been my shield, during the times when I must venture outside my sanctuary. But there is no way to escape the harm that will be done. Again and again. 

=====

Go Mode Podcast mentoring is in full swing. I'm glad I decided to take on only 2 mentees per week again -- honestly, that's probably like 10 hours of commitment when you add it all up.  On the side I've been trying to put together a bunch of the data science I've been doing; no idea when that will all be really ready to present, but maybe as the tournament goes on.

I feel like enough of a veteran when it comes to coaching because I've begun to see the common patterns in these mentees, the ubiquitous habits that develop indepedently, the common misconceptions, the things I have to say over and over like a broken record. It makes me want to make more short explanation videos, but eh, I don't necessarily need to push myself now, do I?

Something sort of clicked somehow, in Overwatch. It's not like I don't make mistakes or misplays anymore, but somehow I am finding that I'm actually able to Do The Right Thing sometimes, slow down my aim, be a little bit more calm, try to make the right kinds of plays. It's surprising how much of a "switch flip" it's felt like.

In the meantime I've been sinking time into Marathon, which has been...interesting. It's been fun, though I can't tell exactly how much I enjoy it. It's certainly interesting and engaging, if nothing else. We'll see, I guess.

For now, though... 

2026.05

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202605

Recently, someone close to me needed to have medical intervention and was bedridden for some time; part of me wondered if they would ever be the same after that.  I, too, have been through hard times this past month.  Nothing as drastic as that, to be sure, but certainly I felt the vitality in my spirit fading, diminished. Perhaps, I wondered, too, whether I would ever be the same.

On the other hand, I am sick and tired of "waiting around for my life to get better".  Some problems, cannot be solved -- some weaknesses, are perhaps not worth the effort to address.  I could seek forgiveness for the sins of my past, train to be a person so "perfect" that I would accept imperfection.  But I am tired of explaining myself, tired of questioning who I am, tired of feeling like I don't belong, or don't deserve happiness.  I am tired of being judged by the imaginary phantoms of my mind.

I knew who I was, once, and now, once again.  Even after I threw all of my dreams away, I, still, will never back down.  Someone who I used to care about very much once told me to never let anyone else control you.  So I won't.  It doesn't matter anymore whether I am right or wrong.  It is just who I am.  Regardless of what you, or even the world thinks of that.