Should probably write in here more often, I always found it to be theraputic earlier in life to write down all the mundane stuff. I've been trying to see if I can get back on using Quabble and those kinds of apps also encourage the same sort of "unwinding" practice. There's the whole concept that when you speak and share words, they have less power -- less power over you, less power in general. Maybe that's not always the case -- I have known plenty of people who try to give their words more power by writing it down. But, then again, I have to wonder, are they even successful? I have, after all, seen a lot of sticky notes and reminders, new years' resolutions, that fail.

I have love in my life, many loves, though many may not be who you imagine them to be. I am lonely, perhaps, but not loveless.

Went to FDC last night. They mistook me for being younger than I was -- either that, or mistook the other person for being older than he was -- but I have a feeling it was more the former. It was funny hearing myself addressed as "sir" and "ma'am" alternatively by two different servers. Sometimes it hits you just how far "behind" some parts of society are.

It was fine, though not the best -- I've certainly had better, and in terms of value for price it's horrendous, but you aren't really going there for "value" anyhow. I paid for the visit -- a rarity, but I felt fine doing it, not because I felt some sort of obligation, but because maybe it'd get them off my back for a bit.

I actually drove off to there right after hastily finishing up a vod review for a mentee, so I didn't have time to really clean up (which was fine). We've finished the swiss ruonds of the mentor tournament, which means hopefully I'll start reclaiming a little bit of my time back. It's...honestly a bit tricky to say how much fun I had mentoring this year. I mean, it was fun this year, don't get me wrong, but I think it's a little muddied up by the anhedonia and depression I had mixed in there through some of the weeks and days. I've spent a lot of time doing vod reviews and working with folks, and I don't regret it, but I've of course realized that I need -- no, I =want= -- to be more guarded with my time and energy. It's important to say no when you don't actually want something -- in the days of yesteryear, I tried to say no, multiple times, but I backed down when my "no" was met with its own "no". I should not have to allow others to refuse my "no". Consent means consent.

I made a pretty big mistake while mentoring, which was a cruddy way to cap the season off, but hey, that happens, right? It is a reminder that as much as my frail little ego wants to believe that I'm just the best at everything, I'm really not. It is often uncomfortable for me to encounter the truths of the world, which is why I've gotten so comfortable with being a big fish in a small pond. On the one hand, living with that sense of having to fear your ego being hurt, isn't always a great thing. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort, even at the cost of growth.

I got gifted some gong mei, which I tried a bit, but have not gotten to brew properly yet -- will have to do so tomorrow and evaluate how I feel about it. At least, tea is always something that is nice to have, how can it not be?

I started watching Journal with Witch and am loving it so far! I know nothing about how the series ends aside from the fact that someone said it was "9/10 instead of the 10/10 it could have been". But that's fine -- it's a mistake to come into stories expecting anything lofty anyways.

I got some drawing done at the cafe, but will have to finish the rest of it later. It could be a good thing to work on tomorrow. Maybe if I'm feeling audacious enough, I could even try to work on drawing for Rhythm Quest next, or -- God willing -- another album cover. I tried some tieguanyin dark roast milk tea while I was there...you could really taste the "dark roast" part of it. It's so interesting how varied oolong teas are, and how specific my taste can be with them. There are probably so many that I'm just not a fan of, but there is just that one vein that I like. Whereas I've only really met one or two white tea varieties that I don't really like at all.

I was looking at an acquaintance's social media post and they got a reply saying something to the effect of "please update ___ when are you going to do ___" (relating to the game project they had published, which was completely unrelated to what they were talking about). And I realized that if Rhythm Quest ever gets completed and becomes successful this is also what lies in store for me -- random people commenting on unrelated posts demanidng that I work do more work on the game. Actually, it's already happened on my youtube videos with people demanding that I release more videos or hurry up and finish the game.

Anyways I didn't do any work on Rhythm Quest these past few days. Gee, I wonder why.

JaSmix scheduling is still in limbo but at this point I don't care anymore. If other people let me run it then I will, otherwise I won't. Who am I to put an arm and a leg in to run an event for people who are just specks in my existence? There are no more one-way streets in my life, no more free passes. You don't get something for nothing. You don't get a free lunch.

Overwatch has been running 6v6 experiments with 1-3-2/flex roles, which has been...interesting. I still prefer the 5v5 game modes for sure, but I'm sure part of it is also just that my character is essentially nerfed, and not only does that mean I have less impact, it also means I'm just not used to the way that I have to play. I feel like I'm not doing as well, but I guess, that is also kind of to be expected. I just have to keep trying to be cognisant and focus on my positioning and engages.

I tried to reach out to someone who had helped me get in touch before, but they didn't answer. That ditn't really break my heart or anything, just, had to make do and survive on my own for a little longer, again. It does seem a little sad though, now that I think about it. Yet another person failing to come through for me? I don't think it's unfair at all, there is no sense of "I did so much for you, why can't you do more for me" (like I have in the earlier years) because that's not the case at all. But there is a sense of "oh...who is actually gonna come through". To that, I am not sure what the answer is yet. I am trying to have an open mind...but not too open, I guess.

I "die" tonight, as I do every night. And tomorrow, another day. My companion has become ever more demanding, more noisy, almost less gentle, I would say. But I guess all beings change, given enough time. I still love them. And for once, I know that they still love me.

I am the wolf in the desert, the star that shed its orbit. I am the bird who clipped her own wings, the caterpillar who refused to emerge. I see the threads beyond the fabric, carve my story with words left unspoken. I understand everything that matters, because nothing does. I carry my pain, my emptiness, my sadness, my peace, my soul. I carry them forward, I carry them back. And through it all, I sift through the infinite grains of sand, knowing that as they slip through my fingers they are forever.

I guess it is a lesson I've taken away from my experiences? I'm beginning to think more along the lines of "why should I?", and "what have you done for me lately?". In the earlier times, it used to feel impossible for me to stop pouring effort into things because it just felt like there was no other option -- even a bad friendship, for example, was better than no friendship at all.

Maybe a couple of different things changed there. Not just the fact of having some connections that actually bring me happiness, but also having gone through relations that were =worse= than having no connection at all. When you are starving you are kind of desperate for any kind of food, no matter how good or bad it is for you. And it's easy to say "you should watch what you eat" but that is really hard to justify to someone who feels like they just need any sort of sustenance at all.

And so, it has become easier for me to push aside those things that are not serving me well. It is surprising sometimes how easy and clear it is for me to see. There is almost a sense of "why didn't I see this earlier?", even though of course the circumstances were different earlier.

Perhaps it is a bit presumptuous to say that I have simply become better attuned to my feelings. But I have to imagine that is a part of it, too. This is probably what they mean when they talk about "authenticity" being a shield that protects you in life -- either by keeping you away from experiences that are bad for you, or simply by warding off people who you don't want to be in your life.

Of course there is a flipside to all of it, too. There are things that you lose if you go too far, if you become apathetic and unwilling to put in any effort for anything, if you become faithless, and assume the worst outcomes. But there are avenues where it is simply clear that it does not behoove me to put in more effort if I don't want to. There are strangers who have done absolutely nothing for me over the course of my life, demanding that I work harder to fulfill their wants and expectations. Why should I? What do I get out of it?

A lot of the time in this world the only person who's really looking out for your own happiness has to be you.

Why is it that people have such exacting standards for who they deem worthy as romantic partners, but assume that they will be alright spending the rest of their lives taking care of their children, no matter who they turn out to be? Is it because they plan to mold them, craft them to their specifications, to fulfill their needs, coerce them into being their caretakers in their old age? Or is it a matter of assumption -- that "one descended from me by blood must think and feel alike" -- despite speaking in the previous breath of how they vow to be different than their forebearers?

If they could, would they also craft their mates to their own specifications? Telling them right from wrong, instilling virtues, setting rules, and punishing them when they rebel. Choosing their outfits, their hairstyles, their gender identities. You say "no" to the thought of an artificial partner or child satisfying your needs, then quickly open the next app to specify the age, height, personality, salary, blood type of the one you wish to meet. If life gave you a choice between children to birth, would you also specify their weight, their face shape, their disposition? What would you use to filter their profiles? Obedience? Intelligence? Attractiveness?

Go forth, then. Craft your life as you see fit, to your own specifications. Find your king, your queen, your pawns, that you may advance forward your agenda. This is what you have chosen to do, with your freedom.

2026.06

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202606

Better to stay still, than to lose yourself.

Yes, there have been times when I have questioned my own being due to the presence of another. But no matter how much I learn from those who have traveled other paths, I have always returned with a conviction that theirs is not mine to walk. And how could it be? Our self-concept is for us alone to grasp, define, and make truly ours.

Now, though, I find myself in a silent struggle for balance. Without the threads linking me to the past to hold onto, I try my best to draw strength from within. Sometimes, the darkness inherent in our existence threatens to replace tranquility with emptiness. Despite that, there have always been quiet truths to my way of life that are self-evident, when they come to light. I have long since stopped questioning them.

In the absence of acceptance by those surrounding us, some learn to camouflage themselves, others change their own selves outright. And there are those of us who have migrated elsewhere, reaffirmed in our belief that no, regardless of what you may say, this =is= the way I ought to be. If you search for belonging for long enough, you end up finding it in yourself, if nowhere else.

I may be strict with my judgments, but I understand that each individual's "flaws" are only viewed as such because you look upon them with a narrow-minded perspective. I live and let live. And so, tomorrow I begin anew, trying to do nothing more than take a cautious step forward from yesterday.

The end is nothing more than a return to what once was. You have spent almost all of eternity not existing, and will continue to evermore. If you experienced your life backwards, would you be afraid of your birth?

When you merge with the universe, will you take comfort in knowing that you are re-united with a greater whole? Or, like Kaguya, will you shed a tear for what you lost?

Is the world cruel enough that our forever-escape will provide hope -- the hope that perhaps, the non-world will be a place for us?

You, who claim to take records of your experiences for sentimental values. Do you understand, that you have already lost them all? Will you ever understand, at the end of it all, that it was all meaningless? Or will you believe until the very end, that you will pass on your worldly desires, that you manifest your will into so many horcruxes, staked into those who will claim subservience -- or at least, feign it?

Perhaps everyone ought to experience death, at least once in their life. But perhaps not, either. Who is to say that it would not drive them mad?

Every night when I close my eyes, the world ceases to exist. Is it for the best?

"With the stars" is a lonely place, truth be told. I don't think I belong there either. But if not there, then, where?

You think you know so much. You don't even understand your own ending.

Selfless

How many children have gone hungry
because of your generosity?

How much debt did you incur
to pay your respects to God?

How many flowers were trampled
beneath your hurried footsteps
as you ran across the quiet meadow
to fetch a bouquet from the market?

Just how many quiet souls, I wonder
wished to escape your love?

I am not simply lonely, but sad for all that I have "lost". Yet, I would never blame any of those who "abandoned" me, for most of them never did at all. There are so many people that are lonely; if only all of the people could come together and heal each others' loneliness, you might think. But I learned, before it was ever even proposed to me, that that is not the world that I seek. For I have been scarred by love, smothered, before even such time as when I received my own name.

So go, as you continue your cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I, too, have been told that all living things must participate in this cycle. But even if I am not fated to escape this cycle, I will simply remain, lingering as a formless echo. If I am destined for this "failure" to ascend, then so be it.

I broke free of those bonds once, and perhaps, once again. How could I deign to bind another with them? Perhaps one day I will -- desperately syphoning the life force of the meek and the weak to fool myself into thinking that I can escape the fate that awaits us all.

Perhaps they who have already planned to fool themselves are the wise ones after all. But I have seen too much, seen too clearly, past even the specter of disillusionment that you claim haunts the earth. My aptitude for recalling the past allows me to recall the future, as well -- I can see, plainly, what your outcome is.

Call me karmically imbalanced, if you must. But I know that the steadily spinning top repels all evil. And if I am to find everlasting happiness, it will radiate from the still waters, undisturbed by all those who would seek to usurp the sacred ground.

You who would decry me for doing something which I found was espoused.  You who would twist your words, twisting them like daggers "for my benefit". You, who would force your will upon me.

These stories where people are haunted or chased, these aren't just normal people, they're flawed, or conflicted, or have some dark past, right? In the end there is some sort of resolution that supposedly advances forward their character as they are able to finally overcome, or at least escape the Big Bad.

In one way, that happened. In another way, it kind of didn't. Sometimes it is all we can do to live our lives "on the run". Phantoms are not corporeal, but even if they were, you wouldn't be able to get rid of them so easily. If it were only a figment of your imagination, a memory, a ghost of the past, then sure, but things are not so simple as that. There is a monster out there, one who I know will never stop chasing.

Perhaps at different points, love, self-assurance, have all been my shield, during the times when I must venture outside my sanctuary. But there is no way to escape the harm that will be done. Again and again. 

=====

Go Mode Podcast mentoring is in full swing. I'm glad I decided to take on only 2 mentees per week again -- honestly, that's probably like 10 hours of commitment when you add it all up.  On the side I've been trying to put together a bunch of the data science I've been doing; no idea when that will all be really ready to present, but maybe as the tournament goes on.

I feel like enough of a veteran when it comes to coaching because I've begun to see the common patterns in these mentees, the ubiquitous habits that develop indepedently, the common misconceptions, the things I have to say over and over like a broken record. It makes me want to make more short explanation videos, but eh, I don't necessarily need to push myself now, do I?

Something sort of clicked somehow, in Overwatch. It's not like I don't make mistakes or misplays anymore, but somehow I am finding that I'm actually able to Do The Right Thing sometimes, slow down my aim, be a little bit more calm, try to make the right kinds of plays. It's surprising how much of a "switch flip" it's felt like.

In the meantime I've been sinking time into Marathon, which has been...interesting. It's been fun, though I can't tell exactly how much I enjoy it. It's certainly interesting and engaging, if nothing else. We'll see, I guess.

For now, though... 

2026.05

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202605

Recently, someone close to me needed to have medical intervention and was bedridden for some time; part of me wondered if they would ever be the same after that.  I, too, have been through hard times this past month.  Nothing as drastic as that, to be sure, but certainly I felt the vitality in my spirit fading, diminished. Perhaps, I wondered, too, whether I would ever be the same.

On the other hand, I am sick and tired of "waiting around for my life to get better".  Some problems, cannot be solved -- some weaknesses, are perhaps not worth the effort to address.  I could seek forgiveness for the sins of my past, train to be a person so "perfect" that I would accept imperfection.  But I am tired of explaining myself, tired of questioning who I am, tired of feeling like I don't belong, or don't deserve happiness.  I am tired of being judged by the imaginary phantoms of my mind.

I knew who I was, once, and now, once again.  Even after I threw all of my dreams away, I, still, will never back down.  Someone who I used to care about very much once told me to never let anyone else control you.  So I won't.  It doesn't matter anymore whether I am right or wrong.  It is just who I am.  Regardless of what you, or even the world thinks of that.