There are so many thoughts swimming around in my head.  I don't even know where to begin.

"What would Sayuri do?"  It's a question I find myself asking often when I am lost.  She is an idol of sorts to me, after all.  But it doesn't meant that she always does the "right" thing.  No one is perfect, because actions are contextual; what is "right" is subjective.  It's different for every person, for every situation.  Is the difference simply that Sayuri has the authorial benefit of the doubt?  That because she is an ideal protagonist, her actions are painted in a positive light?

I don't think so.  I think Sayuri knows what her "shortcomings" are.  But perhaps the difference is that she accepts them.  Well, she does now, at least.  Maybe not in the past, when she was more full of doubt.

I found myself asking again and again today.  What is the "right" thing to do?  Or is it nothing?  And then I asked myself what Sayuri would do if she were in my shoes.  My first instinct told me that she would do nothing.  But that's not always true.  There are times, when Sayuri would do something, too.

Of course, Sayuri is more perfect than I, at doing the right thing.  But maybe, one of the other differences, is that I simply believe that she is worthy of love.  But I don't always afford myself the same belief.  Why?  Is it simply because of the bias that I have toward Sayuri as a kindred spirit?  Or is it because I was told, by multiple important people in my life, in some way, that I was not deserving of their love?

I think I talk too much sometimes.  Even if other people think that I am too quiet.

I think part of the reason why I lost a lot of faith in myself earlier was that I was afraid I was too unwilling to budge on my own comfort for the sake of others.  I've known already, for a while now, that my cardinal sin is Pride.  It showed up so many times, even over the course of one day.  Maybe they were right, maybe I am just too "careful".

But as I thought about it more and more over the months, I realized that you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own ideals and comfort for others, right?  Of course, vulnerability is an important part of any relationship between two people.  I think some would argue that change is an important part of it too.  Well, you know how I feel about that second one already.  Is there not value in respecting vulnerability, in allowing people to stay safe?  To stay unchanging?

Isn't it ironic?  That people say to "find people who love you for who you are".  But they also say "you need to work on yourself first".  Aren't those two ideas at odds with one another?  I know, that in the past, I lacked the empathy to consider the consequences of my actions.  I was too steadfast in what I believed to be good.  And it was only later on that I realized what I had been like.  What is to say that I am not making the same mistake again?  There are those back thenn that said "I admire the way you are", but did they really appreciate it, or were they simply trying to get me to look on the bright side by saying something nice?"

Sometimes, you need to find your own way.  What is "good", but also true to yourself.  It's not always easy, and it's usually not what everyone tells you to do.  But when you find =your= truth, you'll know it, beyond a doubt.  At that time, the best you can do is apologize to anyone who is put off by your truth.  But you shouldn't feel apologetic, even as you apologize.  It is not your responsibility, not your duty, to live in the "right" way.  It is more important to live in =your= way.  The way that only you are capable of, and nobody else.