Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 2: Makoto

Finding myself in a little bit of a mild depressive funk, I took the opportunity to hole up in my room and watch through pretty much all of Makoto Sawatari's arc.

The slow motion intro shot here is REALLY cool.

The 2006 adaptation of Kanon really gives Makoto's arc a lot of attention.  She's introduced at the very end of episode 2 (around a similar time as most of the other characters), but since she's the first character to be explored in-depth (and moves into Akiko and Nayuki's place as a stranger), there's a bit more focus around her in some of the subsequent episodes despite attempts to balance that out by advancing the other girls' stories as well.  Things start to "get real" with Makoto near the end of episode 6 when Mai drops some ominous foreshadowing, and her arc begins "proper" with episode 7.

*gulp*

Before diving into Makoto's development (and spoilers), I did want to make some general thoughts I had as I reacquainted myself with the world of Kanon.

Every episode thus far starts with a narration, presumably the voice of [redacted], making some vague comments about dreaming, snow, time being stopped, and things like this.

Usually accompanied with the requisite "pretty snow" imagery, to set the scene

If you're already familiar with the story of Kanon, you'll understand the literal meaning that these words are alluding to, and this is one area where things are a little more clear upon second watch.  If you know, you know.  I found it especially surprising that the very first episode starts with some rather dark prose, after the OP credits roll:

A dream...I'm seeing a dream.  The dream I see every day.  The endless dream.

Red snow.  The world stained in red.  A small, crying child blocking the red sky.  I wanted to wipe away his tears, at least.  But my hands wouldn't move, and the tears trailing down his cheeks soaked into the snow, and...all I could do was watch.  It was so painful, and so sad.

It'll be okay.  So don't cry.  "It's a promise."  I wonder whose words those were.  The dream starts to fade to a different color.  Yes.  It's a promise, okay?

Like, whoa.  I didn't remember this at all.  But I think it serves to set up this theme of powerlessness in the face of loss.  "...all I could do was watch."  I think a lot of the anime explores this feeling.  What DO we have the power to do when we are faced with loss, and how should we respond in the face of it?

 

Moving on, we have Aizawa Yuuichi, our protagonist...

The interactions with Makoto go like this for a while...

He's a bit of an interesting fellow.  A little bit more of a jerk than I remembered, probably because I was probably just less sensitive to those sorts of things 10+ years ago (read: I was probably more of a jerk too, just in a different way).  While his prankster/smartass-type attitude works well for putting the girls (basically, his "harem") into cute situations, I do feel like this is a known complaint of Kanon, that Yuuichi is a bit too unlikable.

From what I remember, though, I do feel like he does start to mature, starting to be a little less apathetic and careless with his emotions as time goes on.  Makoto's arc, then, is definitely the beginning of this change.

Yuuichi, like Makoto, suffers from amnesia, but unlike Makoto, the amnesia is selective -- he remembers Nayuki well enough, but there's some sort of strange memory block around...well, a lot of other significant events that happened 7 years ago.  On a surface level, this is easy to understand as "repressed emotions/memories", but I think this begs the question, =why= did Yuuichi blot out these emotions and memories in the first place instead of confronting them?  Was it a conscious choice or was it simply a trauma response?

The opening monologues about "being stuck in a dream" of course mainly talking about [redacted], but I think they also follow along with Yuuichi's general predicament of being "stuck" in life.  He functions well enough on a day-to-day basis, but you can tell that he has some emotional baggage, and isn't really connecting with anyone much beyond teasing and making fun of them.  I do think that when we have undigested emotions, it can lead to us getting "stuck" in this way.  That's why therapy can be important for many people; it helps us spend time sitting with those emotions.  Not necessarily so that we can "confront" them as in battle them and "get over them", but just so that we can recognize them fully, so that we can be more present in life, instead of living our days "like we are dreaming".  This I think is the real significance of these opening "dream monologues".

Back to Makoto (and into spoiler territory).  She's presented as the "tsundere" type among the girls, having a mean streak and generally denying all claims of honest emotions (and more), but eventually softening up.  This type of character usually irks me a bit, but Makoto's case is different, because...Makoto is meowmie.

The true best girl in Kanon

I feel like Makoto's character is really unique because she can't just be summed up by the tsundere trope.  In all of her initial interactions where she hates Yuuichi's guts, sure, but I feel like most tsundere characters just end up getting to a point where they still get really defensive about their emotions, but manage to acknowledge their affection / emotions in sort of an off-handed way.

Makoto, on the other hand, really does a 180, and completely changes.  She becomes happy, clingy, weak, frail.

The simple moments are so precious.

This is another area of Kanon where I feel like knowing how the story goes makes things a lot more poignant.  I feel like on first viewing, it's easy to just watch Makoto and Yuuichi's interactions and write them off as playful comedic nonsense.  Maybe this is just my bias (if you couldn't tell, Makoto is my favorite character in Kanon), but knowing what happens to Makoto in the end, I think it changes my perspective on things a little bit, in a way that's fittingly appropriate to the Makoto's overall themes.  It makes me happy to see Makoto being energetic, even if she's being a brat.

When you know someone is going to disappear, how does it change your interactions with them?  How does it change how you see them?  How you love them?

What kind of cruel bastard could leave this meowmie behind?

I've lost people in my life before, but the only times that I've ever truly had to say goodbye to someone that I was close with have been with animals.  Having this experience in my life really gives me another layer of appreciation for the latter part of Makoto's story, which really focuses on Yuuichi and everyone else spending time with her as her existence fades away.  Here we can see the beginnings of not-a-jerk Yuuichi as he tries his hardest to make sure that Makoto lives out her remaining days in happiness.

Something that I thought was really interesting was the scene on Monomi hill where Makoto starts to realize the truth behind who she is, and Yuuichi shouts at her to "Don't remember!"

I think that on a surface level, this is about a fear that the "magic will be broken" if Makoto realizes who she is, and Yuuichi doesn't want that to happen.  But I think it's a little deeper than that -- Yuuichi just doesn't want things to change right now.  Being confronted by the impending loss of Makoto, whom he basically considers to be family by now, he just wants things to stay the same.

This, of course, is a choice that Yuuichi has.  If it was someone else in this same situation, they may have thought it more important that they express everything honestly.  To apologize for leaving Makoto (as a fox) behind all of those years ago.  I think to some people that apology would be extremely important.  After all, Makoto-meowmie essentially sacrificed her life and memories to come back because of that betrayal, right?  Realizing the truth of the matter, wouldn't you want to apologize?

But no, Yuuichi decides that the truth isn't important right now, and instead that he'd rather just see Makoto happy.  And that is his own personal way of atoning for the guilt, regret, and sadness that he experienced in the past.  That path is just as valid as any, and it's especially true in the case of animals, where we often can't communicate nuances such as beliefs, apologies, and such.  All we can do is try to share our time and emotions with them.  We ask ourselves both, what would make them happy, and what would make us less sad.  The answer is different for everyone.

Something else that's interesting that I don't think I really "got" fully on my first watch is the importance of Piroshiki the cat, in Makoto's arc.  There's this scene that comes sort of out-of-the-blue where Makoto, after warming up to Piroshiki, drops the meowmie off of a bridge (!) (luckily, she ends up okay).

"Animals are thrown away when they're no longer wanted.  Don't you think so? [...] We should send it back to the wild before it gets used to an easy life at home."

Of course, this is referencing the way that Makoto (subconsciously?) feels like she was tossed aside years ago by Yuuichi.  Afterwards, Makoto and Yuuichi break into an argument, with Makoto arguing that "It'll manage somehow", but Yuuichi demanding to know why she acts so irresponsible, saying "It could end up who-knows-where and die!"  This is probably the first time that Yuuichi is seriously angry at Makoto, which interestingly enough is conveyed by the fact that he =doesn't= hit her, but instead holds back his arm.

At the time, it hasn't been revealed who Makoto really is yet, so I think the scene is a little confusing.  The original visual novel foreshadows this in a more direct way, reading like this (emphasis is mine):

Yuuichi: "Really. It'd be better to take him home with us."
Yuuichi: "If he has somewhere else to live, he'll just go back there anyway. And if he doesn't we can keep him."
Yuuichi: "I'm sure Akiko-san won't mind."
Makoto: "That's cruel, taking a wild animal and turning it into a pet!"
Makoto: "We've got to send him back to the countryside."
Yuuichi: "You're the wild one..."
Yuuichi: "Besides, he isn't a wild animal."
That he's been cared for by people is clear from the way he's instantly become attached to Makoto.
Yuuichi: "You can't just leave him, it's too dangerous."
Yuuichi: "Don't you think you should be taking care of him, not threatening him?"

This is a really fascinating scene upon second watch. because one reading of it paints Yuuichi as a kind of hypocrite as he's the one who abandoned Makoto-meowmie a long time ago.  In a sense this scene is pointing out "Hey Yuuichi, remember when you abandoned your pet fox up on the hill?  Yeah, that was pretty messed up, wasn't it?  Oh, you don't want me to get rid of this cat?  That's really rich coming from you."

In both instances Yuuichi delivers the line "Crying isn't going to bring it back!", which if you know what happens later, is a bit of fateful irony.

This scene I think is weirdly flawed, I think dropping Piroshiki crosses a line that probably draws more ire than intended for Makoto (already a bratty character up until this point), and while there are a lot of subtle hints toward Makoto being animal-like in her true nature, I think the requisite context isn't quite there for the dialogue to land effectively, especially in the anime adaptation where it's a little less direct.  On first watch I think the scene at best just lends itself to Makoto being bitter at being abandoned in the past (we already know that she has amnesia), but I think it loses its real meaning in the irony of Yuuichi scolding Makoto for letting go of Piroshiki.

But the little mini arc of Piroshiki does effectively start to raise the question of what it means to "care" for an animal, and by extension, a loved one.  In the next episode, Makoto happily feeds Piroshiki some cold milk, but the meowmie ends up with an upset stomach, which Yuuichi scolds her for, saying "Don't just fuss over her.  Treat her with care."

Meowmies gotta stick together!

Yuuichi, of course, has to deal with this predicament himself, as Makoto quickly devolves to being incapable of much at all.  Later we get this scene where Yuuichi forces a complaining Makoto to stand still while he helps her brush her teeth:

Is this what you wanted out of your romance story?

I think I remember seeing this scene and thinking it was kinda just weird.  Like I sort of got it, Makoto is devolving to basically be a little kid (not that she was very grown-up to begin with...?), and this is sort of a nod to caring for someone in that kind of way.  But watching it again, this is much more evocative of the way that pet owners need to take care of their pets.  (If only cats would sit still while you brush their teeth like this...)  That just isn't an experience that I had had back then, but now...heck, I've used a toothbrush to clean my chickens' feet, so yeah, I get it now.  With pets (and I guess, with children), you're often having to do things for their benefit that they don't exactly enjoy or appreciate.  There's a sort of balance that needs to be had there, and that balance gets...tricky...when you know that somebody's life is coming to an end.

While I think the core of Makoto's arc centers around "How do you share time with a loved one when you know they are going to disappear?", there are other themes that are touched upon too, like dealing with abandonment and a fear of someone disappearing.  I think we've all been through some sort of abandonment in our lives; I think watching Makoto in both of her forms really evoked some strong emotions in me at what it felt like to be thrown away, or to have a loved one disappear from my life and not be able to find them.

One of the few times when I felt like marriage was such a sweet idea...

I think it's really interesting how viewing Makoto through the lens of a human being and viewing her through the lens of being a fox-meowmie can be different, and I think it's a really good emotional idea and execution to bring both of those feelings into this sort of story.  Because I think when a girl says "Marry me, so we can always be together", that's sort of cliche or almost cringey, right?  But when Kanon poses the question in a different way, "Do you wish that you can be together with your pet forever?" then you get a totally different emotional response.  Because OF COURSE we all want to be with our loved pets forever, no questions about it.  When we have interactions and relations with other humans, they often get bogged down by all sorts of history, conflicts, and emotional baggage, but oftentimes relationships with pets are simpler.  They remind us of what is really important when it comes to connecting with each other.

 

Episode 10 is where everything with Makoto's arc comes to a head, and an end.  It's an episode that I remember really well because it has so many good moments.

First, there's the scene where Amano meets Makoto.  Amano, the girl who already experienced the same kind of loss in the past, and initially doesn't want to become friends with Makoto, for fear of getting hurt again.

Really relatable.

There's a "tiny miracle" of sorts when Makoto -- who at this point only makes weak animal-like noises -- is able to remember, and speak, both her own name, and that of Yuuichi.  It's such a small and simple thing, but because Makoto is about to disappear, it holds special meaning in our hearts (or at least, it does in mine).

And the rest of this episode is full of this kind of emotion, too.  I found myself really tearing up as I watched Makoto spend her final happy days together with Yuuichi, Akiko, and Nayuki.

Extremely rare footage of Yuuichi smiling and wearing a tie...

As a ~20-year-old back in 2008 this photobooth scene in the visual novel got to me, because it spoke to the feeling of finally, finally having a desire for human connection fulfilled.  The feeling of being with loved ones.  Truth be told, I feel like it is only as recently as this year that I've been able to experience the exact feeling in the image above.

“Of course. This is what she always does. Just stand there, looking in, while others have fun. Waiting for everyone else to leave, and then taking a lonely photo by herself. A photo she’d treasure; a picture of a vision of loneliness.”

“She has emotions still. Most of them may be lost, but this can arouse joy still. Because she wanted this so much. She’s been longing to do this for so long. All she’s wanted has been to stand among a group. To bathe in the warmth and comfort of the bonds of human relationships. This tiny, trivial thing has been her fondest desire.”

But I think these sort of scenes also remind us what of what is important in life.  We don't always know when our loved ones will disappear.  Why did it have to wait until now for Makoto to have this experience?  And what is preventing us from creating these sorts of fond memories in our day to day lives?

Particularly heartbreaking is the scene where Akiko-san says bye to Makoto and then starts crying, presumably because she knows she probably won't ever see her again.

A mother's intuition...

There's a part of me that realizes that these happy experiences are only made more meaningful by the tragic backstory -- that's the whole setup of the "crying game", after all.  It feels extra poignant that Makoto is getting her warm fuzzy memories because we know that seven years ago she was abandoned up on that hill and cried out.  In a way, these happy memories are Yuuichi's way, and our way, of trying to make up for that time.

One might ask whether Makoto "deserves" this happiness.  She was a total brat for 5+ episodes, after all!  Isn't it a little messed up to get this sort of emotional satisfaction just because we feel bad for a wrongdoing to her in the past?

First, I don't think it's right to say who "deserves" or doesn't deserve happiness or love.  Of course, I think it is important for us to be very conscious about love and relationships, but I also think that it's essential for us to believe that love is not "deserved" or "earned".  That we are "enough", even without having to do anything special besides be ourselves.

Sometimes it's the happiest scenes that bring tears.

But more importantly, when it comes to end-of-life, part of the whole deal is that the bereaved are the ones who are going to have to live on and carry on the emotional feelings and consequences of what happens.  Of course, Yuuichi and co are doing what they think is going to make Makoto happy.  But they are also making the decision that they think they will be able to live with as they continue on with their lives.  Living without regrets -- this means different things for different people.  When Amano says "If there is something she wants, please let it happen for her", she also implicitly means "If there is something you feel like you should do with her, please do it".

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Surprisingly, I didn't find myself breaking down and bawling during Makoto's final moments.  Perhaps that is because I already remembered that scene extremely well, so I already knew exactly what was coming.  In that way, it seemed more like a formality that needed to be gone through.  Perhaps when I witness a loved one passing in front of me, it will be similar.  The actual grief and emotions will come not at that moment, but in all of the other small moments that happen along the way, and after the fact.

Makoto's story is, in a way, rife with what you might call "suffering/emotion porn", drawing you into a tragic situation to make you feel emotions for her.

...but it's also so much more than that.

It asks us to think about our loved ones, and our pets, and consider how we should be caring for them, not just at the end of their lives, but at every moment along the way.  It makes us wish that we could be together with them forever, while realizing that we never can.

Makoto is a bratty tsundere.  Her main outfit isn't remarkable.  Honestly, it's hard to consider picking her out as a favorite upon first meeting all of the characters in Kanon, and I think the first half of her arc is a bit too one-note before her character starts to change.  On my first watch, I think her story only resonated with me because I felt a kinship in her weak frail state -- as someone who regularly "lost the ability to speak", and found myself to shy to step forward into social interactions (like at the photo booth).

But somehow, my appreciation for Makoto is so much deeper this time.  (Would you expect any less, from a co-creator of "Goodnight Meowmie"?)  While her story is fantastical, it somehow feels extremely grounded in real experiences for me.  

The time that Yuuichi sits with Makoto on the hill during her last moments, simply ringing the bells on her wrist and talking to her.  Just being with her in the very end.  I once sat with a loved one of mine, in the hospital, a year ago.  Just the two of us, in the room together, knowing that it would be the last time that I ever saw her.  I wrote this about it:

I don't know if it made any difference, that I was able to see her one last time.  I don't know if she remembered me, if she remembered the song that I sang to her, remembered the song that I played for her.  I don't know if she felt glad, if she felt at peace, if she felt in pain, if she simply felt tired.  Of course, I would like to think that she remembered.  That she looked at me, and she knew that I had come back for her.  That I still loved her, and that she still loved me.

I don't know how differently it would have felt, not being able to see her like this.  Would it have hurt just as much?  Less?  More?

All I know right now is the sadness in my heart, and the fear that no one will be able to take it away.  I never would have thought that I would feel this alone without you.  But I do.  And it hurts a lot.

For completeness' sake I should mention that there's a different reading of Makoto's arc as being tied to the idea of how to face mental debilitation in our loved ones -- how do we care for and interact with those who are important to us when they can't effectively communicate with us effectively anymore?  While I think this is a pretty valid theme analysis of Makoto's story, it resonates less with me personally than what I've already talked about.

Maybe it's disrespectful of me, but I feel like I see just as much importance in Makoto being a fox-meowmie as I do in her taking the form of a human (probably just my bias toward the past...).  I think because of this it's easier for me to see Makoto's "auu..." self as being more true to her natural form, when compared to her bratty tsundere persona, which doesn't match how she initially was as a fox.  So when Makoto reverts to being more fox-like, it's hard for me to read it under the lens of her personality "disappearing", it feels like being happy together with Yuuichi like siblings or family (like they were when she was an injured fox) is really her true self.  That's why I feel like her tsundere-phase went on for perhaps a bit too long (though it's better for comedic pacing), I feel like the only reason she was that way was because she was still angry at being abandoned and Yuuichi was being thick-headed and didn't have a clue.

Well, that was a lot, but I have a lot of feelings about Makoto!  Don't expect this amount of writing for all of the other characters in Kanon, I think hopefelly there will be a lot less.