Cognitive dissonance.  Guilt.  Stubbornness.  Want to disconnect.  Disconnect and hide, so that no one will see me.  Because I'm not good enough for the world.  Don't want my vulnerabilities, insecurities, inadequacies, fallacies, faults to show.  I'll just hide in my own little corner.  Hide, tell you that "I'm OK", try to cry and then fail.

I'm not good, I never will be.  The pen in my hand, I scribble, scribble on the pristine white piece of paper.  Marking it, digging deep, violating its purity, rendering it, rending it a waste, because I don't care, I don't care anymore.  I'm OK.

Turn off, switch off, quit, unplug, I want to give up.  Can I give up for a week?  Must I keep trying?  What if I don't want to grow up, don't want to be mature, don't WANT to do the right thing.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.