Thursday, October 31, 2013

Do you hate people who complain all the time?  Or do you envy them?

I don't want to be an adult.  I definitely don't want to be an adult.  They're stupid, and irresponsible, and they suck.  I don't want to be an adult.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


I don't want to give up...

I don't want to give up...

Is it really time?

You people can just go on ahead.  I'll stay here and be alone by myself.  I'd rather just stay here.  Maybe, someday, you'll come back to me.  Maybe, someday, someone else will stay.

Don't ever change, my idol told me once.  To change, is to die, to disappear from the world.

Today seems like the perfect day.

Nothing else should matter...

Monday, October 21, 2013

I started to watch Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight! again.  I was watching it a little bit yesterday and was totally in an emotional state so I was close to crying in points that I really normally would not have been.  I think I also empathized with a tsundere type for the first time...I really normally don't appreciate those types quite that much, but somehow, just thinking about it as basically a conflict between inner feelings of being included/putting yourself out there and running away, made it much more poignant.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Why am I so stupid?

I'm chained down beyond the point where I know.

I could be happier if I just learned to be worse.  Every unwritten blog post is another chain.

"Just stress out :)", that girl told me.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

"The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds is a return to the classic, two dimensional, top down games that the series had moved away from, resurrected on the 3DS. The game is a sequel to the popular SNES title The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and sees a new Link take on the perils of Hyrule and explore the evil that lurks within the alternate dimension known as the Dark World."

Okay guys, it's time to get a 3DS.

Friday, October 18, 2013

IM technology has taken SEVERAL steps backwards in the past decade.  Ugh.  *throws up arms*  Back in my day, we had sensible contact lists, groupings, text formatting, reliable offline message delivery that WORKS (and informs you of when it's being used), all in a nice little desktop client that conveniently resided on the side of your screen.  Even ICQ was better than this nonsense.


I know I've always said that technology has made it more difficult to connect with people, but I never meant it this literally.  Ugh!

Monday, October 14, 2013


Just a few.

A dance with Mirage, during I think the first class of Social 1 when I retook it as a follow.  It was then that I fully realized "oh man, switching roles in the middle of a dance is awesome!".

Many dances with Gerentt, including one tango in social 1 before we even knew each other, but one sticks out in my mind.  It was back before, when we used to dance more often, and talk about dance more often as well.  All I remember is that it was one waltz, at the very end of FNW--I think Richard Powers was DJ'ing--and we were amazing, it was such a rush, holy crap, we were awesome.

A lindy with Rachel that I think involved an incident with laughing too hard, and saliva, and more laughing.

The dance at the end of Big Dance, when I first truly met Acata.  Simply by chance that we found each other for the last dance.  It was like one of those dances when two skilled dancers dance with each other for the first time...but filled with so much more emotion.

Dancing Lullaby of Flame with Emily, probably the best I have ever danced to my own music.  Doing lead-goes-under, switching hands, right-to-right outside turn, swinging her with cross hands into a free spin and catching her by LEAPING into redowa at the phrase boundary was amazing.

Many waltzes to Breakaway, one of my favorite waltzes ever if not the most awesome waltz song in existence.

Dancing salsa with JJ--salsa??--to prove to ourselves that we could, because we were too damn shy toward each other.

Performing in the cross-step waltz competition at Viennese Ball, where I was "not supposed to be", I had thought.

Several accelerating waltzes with Danya, where we would conspire and coordinate to take off each others' hairties at the same time in front of Richard.  I remember making Tracey crack up one time as we were waving our hair together like that.

Almost every dance to "When Can We Do This Again", (except for the first time when I hadn't seen Wreck It Ralph yet).  One or two of them ended with me crying out of happiness afterwards as I fully realized how beautiful life is and how happy I should be if only I would look around me and let myself smile.

Redowas with Alex and Jane where the only thing that limited our speed was the other couples on the dance floor...including one where someone literally shouted "Crazy kids!" as we flew by.

Dancing with my mom for the first time at Friday Night Waltz.

Dawn Mazurka Quadrilles at Big Dance, where I went and -booked- it when the guys "let the ladies loose", leaping all the way across the entire room as Gerentt/Bob stood there going ".....oh crap"

Dancing with Rachel in her Viennese Ball dress, omg.  Yes, the super pretty one with the white bow, the white bow!~

A dance with Belinda, where it felt as if we were dancing not with each other, not with the music, but to something else entirely...

A cross-step with Yii Wen, the first time I ever fanned my partner while waltzing with them, using one hand for each.

The first time I tried to do the cross-step waltz mixer without a single variation repeat.

The time when I realized that reverse rotary waltz is the same thing as role-reversed mirror waltz...and that backleading regular rotary waltz is the same thing as reverse mirror waltz!  whoa!

Dancing with Lewis to the remix of Shadow's theme from the FF6 remix album, wow that was awesome.

Performing my Gangnam Style remix, the one that I had never really practiced except in my head where I choreographed doing pac-man arms, tetris pieces falling, the "pause" pose, the macarena, and damn I NAILED the orbital at the dubstep scream when I was glowstringing.

Dancing with everyone to my Erin Shore remix for the first time at Jammix.  Really proud of that moment.

Thank you.

I don't know who I'm writing to anymore.

I'm listening to The Black Box again.  I just want to run into it, like a security blanket.  I don't even "know" that the album will do something to me to help me or anything.  I just know that in the past, I turned to it when I had nowhere else to turn to, so maybe, knowing that, I'll be able to take some comfort in it.

It feels a bit scary again.  I managed to hide it from myself well enough, and was fine, but suddenly everything came crashing down and I realized just how far up I am here.  I know I won't fall or anything, but it's still so scary to not have my safe ground.  Can't really focus on anything or anything.

Don't want to think about it.  Don't want to think about so many things, just want to blot them all out, throw them away, shut them in the closet.  Ahh, I want to just throw it all away, walk outside into a cool, cloudy day, spread my arms, smile, skip around...skipping?  No, I won't skip; I'd just walk peacefully.  I want to hear from my two angels.  Want to hang out on campus.  Want to ditch work.  Want to dance.  I wonder if I should just go to dancebreak?  Or even WCS?  Ahh, but I don't think I have the strength to dance right now.  What -do- I want to do?  Draw?  Play a game?  Maybe I'm just pushing my body too hard, that too.  I don't actually even know that, because I don't know what "too hard" is anymore, only what is "supposed to be".  Ahh, maybe I should just write to that little girl; it always helps me, doesn't it?  It would be nice, to talk with my fellow ISFJ too.

Want to hurry up and meet Aivi and Surasshu.  Really...I want to give them their present now!  I really do...can't the time pass a little faster so that time can be here faster?  Can't it?  What shall I do in the meantime, do you think?  Let's...think of all the fun things in life, can't we?  Yeah...there's a bunch of fun things, aren't there?  Let's just worry about all of those, and not worry about anything else.  Come on now, don't make things hard on yourself; you always do.  Ahh, I'm sounding crazy now.  What happened to my blogging style?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I don't want to hide my sorrows.

I took my mom to Richard's class today.  It was so fun!  Dancing is...really fun, isn't it?  Both leading and following...they're both so much fun.  How could I ever choose just one of them?  When I'm dancing, being exuberant, and putting confidence in my own style...that is happiness.  I wish that I could just dance like that more often.  Ahh, but, I guess, it's necessary that sometimes I'll just dance like I'm more depressed.  I guess there isn't any escaping that.  I wish I could be happy, but, sometimes, I just need to be sad.  And I guess, I'm really bad at being happy, unless the sadness is pushed out.  That's why it makes sense that B talked about sadness as squeezing, like squeezing a sponge.  It has to be squeezed out sometimes.

I can only truly write about my own thoughts and feelings.  Not just in words, but in music too.  How else would I be able to express things, if the feelings aren't even mine in the first place?  I'm sure that it's probably the same for drawing, too.  Everyone is so good at drawing, really.  I only just started.  Really there's nothing that I've done that I should be impressed with, but I think, just because of the way I am, it's necessary for me to be proud of it, otherwise I'd get too discouraged.  Heh, makes it easier if there are little victories along the way, too.

When I first started writing music, it was like that too.  Well, maybe a bit easier, since I've been working with music all the time, so melodies and rhythm and everything came easily to me; it was really just the arrangement, synthesis, production that I didn't know.  But I was happy with all of those first songs I made, back in 2004.  You know, it wasn't until 3 years later, in 2007, that I made what I'd probably call my first song that was "quite good".  And it took years after that before I found the style that I have today (still changing, always).

Of course, the issue with music and drawing that makes them so much harder to learn than, how to dance, is that we haven't been watching people do social dance all our lives; but we've been looking at images, pictures, nature, and listening to music for a long long time; we know what is "good" and it becomes readily apparent that the primitive stabs and dittys that we make are...not.

I really have been so hesitant to write about this and have you read it, but I've been thinking about all the posters that are up in my room right now.  You know, the posters, the laminated posters, the wall scrolls, the pencil boards, all the decorations.  I don't know if you know, but these things will routinely fall down off of my wall.  Sometimes because I didn't affix them with enough sticky-tak or whatever; sometimes because of the changing weather; sometimes just because they decided to be stubborn.  Whatever it is, it's just a fact of life that I have to put these things back up on a regular basis.  It's just what I got used to; it was this was back in my sanctuary at Munger too.

And it makes me really wary now, because every time I can't help but relate it to my friendships.  How I have so many that I refuse to let go of, and I'm expending this effort to do that, the end, it's not even about the posters themselves; I just need to keep them up because I don't want any of them to fall down.  There'd be an empty spot in the wall, after all.

I'm getting less disciplined nowadays.  Sometimes I leave them on the floor.  I think that's a separate issue, really; one that I'm struggling with recently.  I seem to have a real lack of discipline, almost uncharacteristically so.  Bah.  But in any case, I can't help but relate all of it to all of these things that I've been thinking, about my so-called "friendships", and...and then I think about the Christmas letters that I'm just afraid to start, because I don't even know what to do about them anymore.  I've thought about taking the posters down, you know...but I don't even know what to think about it.  I don't even know anymore whether I want them up or down.  Heh...isn't that sad?  I actually don't know.  It's too many thoughts being confused together in a giant mishmash.  I can't escape my overriding nature, that I don't want to change, don't want to change, need to keep things as they always are.  But is that really right?  But then again, why would I want to take the posters down?  Aren't these things that I like?  When I think, "I should make my walls cleaner", where is that "should" coming from?  It's not me, is it?  Isn't that not quite right?  I can't tell if it's just because I'm thinking about what my idol would think.  And it almost feels like I'm letting other people down.  What would they think?  To hear that Timmie's room isn't filled with the things that it normally is?  That doesn't seem like Timmie, does it?

I don't think I'll write as many Christmas letters this year.  I feel so sorry for that.  I know that I don't have to apologize, because no one is expecting an apology; it's not really -them- I'm apologizing to.  I'm only apologizing because in my mind I already had a commitment to myself, that friendships mean a certain thing to me.  And I feel like if I lose that, I'm losing a part of myself.

I already lost parts of myself, though.  It's not quite so bad.  Ahh, I hate it though.  I really hate it.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I don't know if I actually fully believe what I'm saying right now or if I'm just saying it to be all hipster, but the problem I have with the whole "omg everyone is being sucked into social media" is not that people are staring at their phones all day.  No, that's not what really gets me.  What gets me is that everyone is staring into their phones and not really DOING anything.  That's really what I hate, especially when I catch it happening to myself.  You see, the whole "hey go away world, I'm going to lose myself in an electronic device" thing has been happening wayyy before all of this silly social media stuff and all that.  Heck yeah, I'd escape from that boring car ride, or that plane flight, or heck, even that dinner where there's no real reason for me to be there.  I'd escape into Mega Man Battle Network 2, or Trauma Center: Under the Knife, or Link's Awakening, or -whatever-.  And that's great, because sometimes, I just don't want to be here in the real world.  I just want to play my game and accomplish something.

The problem now is that it's turned into not really -doing- anything.  The problem isn't being engrossed in our electronic's that somehow, it feels like we're NOT engrossed in them.  If you're idly flipping through facebook, or checking your mail, seeing who's's like flipping through the TV channels, without any purpose, just because you happen to be sitting at the couch and couldn't think of anything better to do with your time and you're too lazy to get off your butt and do anything, even -sleep-.  In my world, email shouldn't be something that you "check".  It's something that comes at me like a phone call, and I deal with it.  When you "check your mail" for the umpteenth time in a row, it's not because you think there's going to be any mail there, but because you just couldn't think of anything better to do.

Part of it I think is the fact that I'm growing up now and have all of these other things I want to do.  I can't keep up anymore.  I've lost that battle, unfortunately.  Damn.

It's not -always- terrible, though.  You know, when I'm bored and I look at my iPod now, I actually spend that time reading through cooking recipes, because I'm trying to learn more and become better at it.

But yes, the point isn't that we're too absorbed in our phones...because we're not even doing that.

Observing the way that other people consume social media is really fascinating.