Monday, October 14, 2013

I don't know who I'm writing to anymore.

I'm listening to The Black Box again.  I just want to run into it, like a security blanket.  I don't even "know" that the album will do something to me to help me or anything.  I just know that in the past, I turned to it when I had nowhere else to turn to, so maybe, knowing that, I'll be able to take some comfort in it.

It feels a bit scary again.  I managed to hide it from myself well enough, and was fine, but suddenly everything came crashing down and I realized just how far up I am here.  I know I won't fall or anything, but it's still so scary to not have my safe ground.  Can't really focus on anything or anything.

Don't want to think about it.  Don't want to think about so many things, just want to blot them all out, throw them away, shut them in the closet.  Ahh, I want to just throw it all away, walk outside into a cool, cloudy day, spread my arms, smile, skip around...skipping?  No, I won't skip; I'd just walk peacefully.  I want to hear from my two angels.  Want to hang out on campus.  Want to ditch work.  Want to dance.  I wonder if I should just go to dancebreak?  Or even WCS?  Ahh, but I don't think I have the strength to dance right now.  What -do- I want to do?  Draw?  Play a game?  Maybe I'm just pushing my body too hard, that too.  I don't actually even know that, because I don't know what "too hard" is anymore, only what is "supposed to be".  Ahh, maybe I should just write to that little girl; it always helps me, doesn't it?  It would be nice, to talk with my fellow ISFJ too.

Want to hurry up and meet Aivi and Surasshu.  Really...I want to give them their present now!  I really do...can't the time pass a little faster so that time can be here faster?  Can't it?  What shall I do in the meantime, do you think?  Let's...think of all the fun things in life, can't we?  Yeah...there's a bunch of fun things, aren't there?  Let's just worry about all of those, and not worry about anything else.  Come on now, don't make things hard on yourself; you always do.  Ahh, I'm sounding crazy now.  What happened to my blogging style?

No comments :

Post a Comment