Thursday, August 29, 2013

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Woke up early today, for the first time in...gosh, forever.  The weather is so nice...can it just stay like this the whole day?  Will it???  Ahh, it's too much to hope, maybe.  But the clouds are so nice...almost like it's winter again.  Hey, I'm allowed to talk about the weather on this blog, right?  I can say whatever I want, right?

Looks like project Love Everlasting will be revealed in =November=, so we're going to have to wait another 2.5 months or so.  Sorry, Rachel!  It'll be worth the wait though, I'm sure.  Ahh, I'm really so excited for it...

Been trying my hand at designing my own MtG set, Return to Return to Ravnica, ha ha ha.  We'll see how that goes.

Might be going to Bad Boys of Swing tonight?  It's not too far, so I feel like I might as well go, assuming I'm not tired and feeling up for it.  My WCS is "okay", so it's, okay.

Seems like I regained my stride at work, which is really nice...

Ludum Dare is coming up this weekend.  Trying to keep it a low-stress deal this time, and make a smaller project.  I know I say that every time, but maybe this time will actually be the time when I -do- make a smaller project.  -_-;

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Apparently Xanga was successful in its fundraiser.  Cool!  Will we stay here anyways?  Probably...but it's at least nice that all of my old posts are still alive in their original form.

We'll see how this new home does for me.  We'll see.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Not sure what to write in here anymore, seriously.  I really don't know.

Well, anyways.

On Friday I went to visit the band kids at my high school...I couldn't go on Saturday since I was hosting my dance.  Everything was completely foreign...not just the kids there, but the staff as well, the field, the track, the fences...everything.  I walked around and made sure to stay out of everything, made sure I didn't make the same mistake that I did before of wanting to poke my hands into it.  It's not mine anymore; I have no business with it.

I went into the band room, just kind of poking my head around.  I was looking at the award plaques...even those are new.  The Edith Cegelski one...the one that was up there only had 2 names on it.  I don't know what happened to the old one--the one with my name on it.

Probably the only thing that I really recognized there was "Beach Is to Fun".  It felt pretty nice, seeing my book still there.  Heh.

It was kind of sad, just going there and not having any connection to anything at all.  This was such a big part of my life, you know?  It was one of my only real passions at the time.  The only person who I knew there was K, and...I didn't really want to talk with him.  He saw me in the band room, actually, and just said "Hello."  ...which meant that he didn't recognize me.  Which is alright...I look different now, and I again, I really didn't want to talk to him.  But I smiled to myself inside a little bit, knowing that he just walked past his former head drum major without even realizing it.

Saturday was the dance I hosted.  The setlist is posted here.  It went pretty well.  We probably had about 20 people or so show up?  So it was more or less like last time.  I'm not popular enough to get everyone to come to my events, which is okay.  I think it's just because of the kind of person I am.  I'm not, don't know, can't socialize with people.  It's okay.

The people who came seemed to really like it, so...again, more or less like last time.  So that went really well.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Project Love Everlasting: I'm on the finishing touches.  This is going to be so awesome!!!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Sooooo yeah, wrote music for 7 hours last night.  Felt great, was so fun, really really fun!  Really excited for this, really.  Man...really excited.

So easily influenced by others, even unknowingly.  Is this right?  Am I right?  Who cares who cares who cares I'm right, aren't I?  If I say so, then it must be, right?  Of course there are going to be times when no, I'm totally wrong and gee, how much of a jerk can I -be- with doing all of the things that I thought were "right",'s okay, huh.

Project Love Everlasting is nearing its final stages!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

You won't know where the line is until you cross it...?  Or at least, come close to it.  Best way to find the edge is to brush up against it.

It's funny...I feel like it's something I do so often and so second-naturedly in video games...I've complained before that learning how to drive is made really difficult by the fact that the penalty for screwing up is so high, so you're too afraid.  You overcompensate in one direction, so you can't just nail things in the middle.  Or something.  Well, I guess the real reason that driving is hard is because you don't have an overhead camera.  But I digress...

Friday, August 2, 2013

Xanga recap

Just for posterity, recording the final stats for my Xanga, which has lasted all the way from September 5, 2004 until June 11, 2013.

3759 posts across 3202 days, which is an average of ~1.17 posts per day.

Here are all the semi-interesting posts that I've collected throughout all of the years, along with their post titles or descriptions.  These links will probably become defunct soon, sadly. Starcraft bogus rants ultraminiantidismembermentationisminglationifyingology Speech & Debate = Tetris Attack Random Question Experiment Random Question Experiment #2 Kristina is confused I used to be so busy! Chris is weird LEM Brainstorming Even back then... Stupidity "Timmy Wong, how dare you sit in chairs?" 5x5x5 Liz digging herself into a hole AIM log results AIM log analysis Barriers *leaves at a more than moderate pace, very much faster than walking* Quotes from my Foothill math teacher Mass Internet Quizzes sin x / n Silly Parents... Cubes.  Lots of em. Long away messages Use a layer! "Now there's a mental image, eh?" Pretzels Chris is still weird Chem Lab #1 Chem Lab #2 "Protected call" "Cheeseburger without rice" Chem Lab #3 Chem Lab #4 The beginning of my trichophilia Toogle and Woogle Crazy Hair Day Cleaning solution Failures Contrast "Instant blog post generator" "Go suck your face!" "It's hard to be yourself..." "The hole -always- dresses the form." Self-Centered That's Fremont for ya RUINED MY LIFE Practicing Yes!!! Robitissun Drum Major!? News flash 2005 - a recap The Sleep War (1) Joseph Kelly and the Grand Unified Theory of All Techno itch sightreading be meticulous now... bad timing some philosophy Celebrity Jeopardy TODO: for Sophia Practicing (2) "I hate you guys..." Happy birthday to me Very cranky We could do it... What does Kristina know? Super-secret Third Way High G 173 Band Shows ikkitikkilikki Even in my -dreams-! 173rd day of the year Belinda's Entries and The Wrath of Love Sauce Jack of All Trades Yay Drawing Shortest Comment Ever Comparing Rubik's Cubes (1) Comparing Rubik's Cubes (2) Practicing (3) Etude in Fb Harmonic Diminished Major (Etude Impossibiliatoriagiarratoment) Post-It Challenge (1) Post-It Challenge (2) If coffee makes me tired... crap. Being Cool.  And Bugler's Holiday WTF. Song Lyrics No sleep because of band Kathleen's hair Definition Band being less personal, learning, and emotions Rule of thumb Superb logic "It was such a good idea!!!" "Now Mr. Kelly's down TWO soloists!!!" Parade DM Curse Pretending to Be a Bot I am the Man... NOOO!!! Shedding Fog Petered Out "Oh, Timm[ie]..." Last Night Rehearsal Ever Championships Highlights Happiness/Unhappiness Friends Good/Bad Admitted! X-Mas Cards 2006 Santa's Present Start of Glowsticking Misanthrope The Good, the Bad, and the Horrible Last Words "Suck dirt" Being Complex/Emulating Personalities DM Interview Questions "Thank the Lord..." Attitude Problem Stanford Application Essay Kenneth is Special Close Friends Ikkitikkilikki Trichophilia The B Letters Driving Forces in My Life Letter Delivery Crazy Texans... Thank You Stephanie Whoops. A New Interpretation of "Suck dirt" Junior Year Timm[ie] is Back! Pretty Hair Girl Being Different WP, and Competitions Rolling In Intelligence vs. Adaptation, Impulsiveness vs. Long-term Planning, Affection Winter "One Girl in All the World"/"All the World in One Girl" Pretty Hair Girl (2) Stream of Consciousness Paying Respects The Question I Hate Competitions Stanford Long Essay Feynman Quote bleh Davis Teachers, Stupidity, and Life Sucking Senior Portraits Admit Weekend A Dream Oops. My Music Folder She Knows Inspired Pizzown'd AP Bio Test DJing Fake/Being on Top of the World MOAR LINGS You Know You've Had a Good Practice Session When... Limbo Econ Ductmation Date What Would Parisha Do? End of an Era Being Timm[ie] Sunrise Loved Ouch. Immature June 22nd Adults Thank You Nice Guy My Mom Doesn't Sleep 40k in Tetris Attack Forgotten Appointments Time, Friends, and the World "wow, that's a lot of sex" Thank you Resa. pwn't Ordering the List My Mom Such Talented Artists This Happens Every Time AIM phail Letters, and Erasing Yourself Doubleshot (1) Doubleshot (2) Effects Processing Foothill/De Anza Classes "im going to shoot them" Friends Elizabeth's quote "Back to the band room..." Haven't Beaten this Since "Life is a rush" Hypocrisy To Do? Not Gonna Miss This Naturally Nocturnal "The Wondering Box" Writing About Yourself The Sleep War (2) Vista Tip (1) Sleep Paralysis Harry Potter Another Moment "Writing Timm[ie]", Yahtzee Time Textual Vent (1) Where's the Passion? Asian (1) Change Pet Peeve Kennethhh Negative Time Solve Letting Yourself Be Hurt Textual Vent (2) Textual Vent (3) Effects vs. Causes What If... Damn, I'm Good... Vista Tip (2) Chris Chang The Uses of JNetCube... Men (1) The Sleep War (3) Tension Lesson Learned (Audio) Compressors are Silly Someday Animorph Be Careful What You Wish For... Thank You Joanna's pf Making Stuff Sadness iTunes (1) iTunes (2) (He's wrong, and this proves it) Finally I Remember--This Was Mr. Nguyen from Chem Honors No Right Answer Rain (1) Relationships Rain (2) Acronym "Gung Hay Fat Choy", Connections IWBTG (1) Talking Cleared TTFAF Think You Can Do Better? IWBTG (2) Timm[ie] Vista Cherry Blossom Me Arguing iTunes (3) iTunes (4) iTunes (5) Raining Cats and Dogs Stupid People Friend Request "Simply the Best" Speaking Your Mind Ctrl+S DFTT Compliments Horse + Water Asian (2) MUSAK "Brawlnighter" TIRES DON EXITS Pro Tip Why Do People Care So Much? Fushi =( The Little Things Falcon PAWWWNNNCH "Melancholy" Sanrio Tagline Primal Instinct Fighting Games and Adaptation It's Not Nice (1) It's Not Nice (2) Fictional Universes Talents "Everybody wants to be a master" Cell Phones Star Control II (1) Star Control II (2) Sequence Break Treat Your DM Right Super Metroid TAS RBO DMs Styles "I'm not putting my lips on that." Surreal Metroid Games THWAP THWAP THWAP Super Star Summer Nights Ur-Quan I get that a lot. Vista Tip (3) TGM (1) Love Salmon Bot Educational Alias Murphy's Law of Tetris Hi Kenneth You know you've been playing too much TGM when... Screen Name Groupwork and Teachers 1% Rule And then it dawned on me. Belinda Hu is cool Kickass You'd Think... (Lie) Three Ways I Love Timm[ie] Vista Critique/Recc Letters Being DM Music Process/Noobs 1,771 posts Jake Gaming Awesome Face also urmom Game Criteria Guiness Sucks Mega Man 9 1425 days Olympics Studies show... Adventure Shell WUT UP HOMIES Band Band Camp is poisonous Catering to others "Just think..." Alakaiser Rule Good Grief. Billy Anderson #5: The One that Comes After Number Four Braid, "Casual" and "Mainstream" Games, Guitar Hero, and Smart People "!?" Name Every Girl TGM Update Epic Letter SoCo Doing Things vs. Not Doing Things, Advice, and More DM Stuff The Salmonbot actually has a point here Trance Exploratorium "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" Inside Tetris Jokes Flute Spin Another DM Rant Speaking "Secret Cue", Sleepless in Bio AP Rationing Your Time Flies Lovefest "No its Timmy Wong" CS vs EE Memories DM Instinct Boys are stupid Speedtypist Textual Vent (4) Perspectives on "Casual" Games vs. Serious Games Useless "fuck this shit." 7 Linked SNs Sleep Tip Weird Dreams Cinnamoroll<3~ College - My Verdict Thus Far Worst Class Ever Tyson Mao for Prez lulz "Chris Betts friggin pwns." "All signs point to CS." It's Okay. Negative Time Solve 2008 Mouse > Keyboard A Depressing Thought LINGS Computer cleanup Urges Don't Practice! "Do it for Phil, guys..." FTS Flies (2) Disappointing Campaign Ads It's over. Christmas Letters 2008 Lower Your Standards Too cute! Anime Log Presents ASCII Art Pwn Kanon 2006 Kanon 2006 (2) Christmas 2008 Notable Entries So Far Stanford Synopsis Sprite Comics Texmaster Sudden 377 Commentary 2008 in Review "It's like the opposite of 4chan" Trauma Center Complete NES Activities and Commitment CS and Writing Game Design Advice Static Electricity Tip Keep It Simple Stupid Death 391 Walls, Childhood Notes, Etc. Textual Vent (5) 25 gajillion facts about me Meme from Erica Shout-outs Facebook Shenanigans Scarred "My name is Timm[ie]..." Gifts and Letters Discretion I Hate You Note to Self Newton improvising on my songs More about kids Selected quotes from my mother Narcissu Start of Colemak learning Friends RSI, the final word / Trackballs vs Mice Diversity (in music) Selected Songs for Perusal Best Anime OP/EDs Yahoo Answers Fail Rut Anime and Stuff Shyness Shyness (2) Quotes Stressed Old Timm[ie] Letter Statistics/Calculations Spring Quarter in Review (also a plug for the FF4 album) Programming VG Music Shugo Chara Kickassery Caffeine Adventures uber-pro Colemak Performance chart qwerty effects Clarinet vs. Flute Kickassery Programming Worlds Game Design Colemak Success! Resolutions for Fall Quarter New Song Food For Thought (SNES games) New Song (2) FF Storylines Mortal Enemy Rant rant rant (online socializing) (see the comments on the original post too) Writing things off Another Colemak Update More on Animorphs Life Goals Commitment Storytelling in Video Games Lectures D2 Mod Craziness Endings A Little Snow Fairy Sugar--Impressions Stanford Daily Article Grade Freak School is silly Stanford Bubble False Promises Rhythm People Suck Moar Hate The Golden Rule Windows 7 / ef: a tale of memories / being unloved / responding to online things Feeling left out, Christmas fears, and OS-Tans Promises / This Quarter in Review Estimation Japanese Catchphrases, Christmas success KeyBlox v1.00 Released! Stood Up Keeping thoughts private / Nervousness / Thought Stack stalker goldmine "I believe in abstraction" Conducting Miyako's Phone Scene Why Fall quarter was awesome / assorted quotes Cyan Responsiveness Winter Break in Review Xanga > FB In Defense of Video Games Doubts about wanting to be a girl Type A + Type B combination This is how my day went Physics question Names 300 Letters Timm[ie] is back. Taurus/Aries Love and Soulmates People being important Break Free (overprotective parenting) Graceful Rejection Losta Stuff Lent Parents knowing better String instruments are weird Guy vs. Girl romance roles Heavy Rain / Resemblances to my Mother / Timelining New Friends Introversion / Room Decorations / Cuddling 1% rule, revisited Lateral - Word Association Game that Maps my Life in Graph Form A bit of a mind dump, also about feeling vulnerable Slightly Disturbing Dreams, Nightmares Quotes as of 3/19/10 Winter Quarter in Review Meaningful Dreams I WANNA BE THE FANGAME Norcal Tetris Meet 2 New Background - The Place I Belong Girly Ideal in Anime Girls RapeLay Controversy Ideal Romantic Partner Enneagram Type Analysis / Personal Growth Suggestions Your Face / Blogging / Social Dance "How do you do so much stuff?" IWBTFG finished. Happy birthday to me. (FB deactivated) Chiptunes Textual Vent (6) RCC Application Kimball Staff Rollouts, OHC083 Mac OS X First Impressions Ushio Busy Passive / Judging People / False Compliments Fanime, Part 1 Fanime, Part 2 Playing By Ear article "Atashi to Yuki-san ga onaji desu..." - My response to The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya Film Favorite Anime / Characters at this moment - Wandering Son / Horo Musuko MacBook stuff, girl-side traits emerging after puberty, Trauma Team Issues (vague) Search for love, more on issues Clannad After Story, emotional anime OHC089 Spring Quarter in Review (2010) Makoto Sawatari Multithreaded Life/Sitting Down, Trauma Team "good code" A Few Random Things / Thoughts on Trauma Team Family OHC090 OHC091 Running away from home Jaded Mind Dump - Fear of the person I love 2123 days OHC092, Ignition OHC093 On Instrumentation in Music A Note to You Flow State OHC094 Dishonesty Growing Up OHC095 Shuichi Nitori Controllers, Confidence, and more about "Flow" Xanga posts so far My Love is a Stapler Why do I want to Be Girl? OHC096, OHC097 OHC098 Computer Woes Sadness is Hard to Escape Stream of Consciousness Post I Am Otaku? / Thoughts on SSBM Characters GRE Scores, Colleges OHC099 Oh, how the Swarm has fallen OHC100 Summer Quarter in Review (2010) Fictional Characters I Admire What a Rush... (Kimball Staff) OHC101 Victimization Pushy People / Helping People / Band Run / New Golden Era CCRMA Sound Concert OHC102 Observations about myself Textual Vent (7) Observations About Myself Girl Names / OHC103 Pita-Ten / Happiness / Keep It Simple / Menstrual Cycle / Part of That World 30 Day Meme - 1 30 Day Meme - 2 30 Day Meme - 3 30 Day Meme - 4 Shia Made Me Cry... Busy 30 Day Meme - 5 OHC104 30 Day Meme - 6 Busy (2), San Jose Spirit of Japantown Festival 30 Day Meme - 7, 8, 9 30 Day Meme - 10 30 Day Meme - 11 / Romance Cycle 30 Day Meme - 12 OHC105 / 30 Day Meme - 13, 14, 15, 16 / CS107 / Jammix Dream / Guardian Angel / Standards 30 Day Meme - 17 30 Day Meme - 18 What animal best defines your personality? 30 Day Meme - 19 30 Day Meme - 20 Db-Db-Ab-Eb Rolling Girl 30 Day Meme - 21, 22, 23 Smarter Decisions / Benefit of the Doubt / Anime Destiny 30 Day Meme - 24, 25 OHC106 OHC107 30 Day Meme - 26, 27 Yume Nikki / Di Gi Charat / Koge Donbo Harry Potter / Cosplay Meetup Tomorrow Chrstmas Letters 2010 (planning) "Being Timm[ie] is a Privilege, not a Duty." Musical Emotion OHC108 Draw With Me 30 Day Meme - 28, 29, 30 OHC109 OHC110, OHC111 Thanksgiving Break, Norcal Cosplay Meetup November 2010 OHC112 Finals Week Luck OHC113 Recettear OHC115 SSBM Level-Up More on SSBM Revenge of the Titans Fall Quarter in Review (2010) Canvas 2, Kirby's Epic Yarn (2) Boy Side Talkativeness, Social Dance 1 Take 2 OHC117 Tetris vs. Speedcubing / Talking about Games Reading, Literary Painting a Picture vs. Light/Visual Novels OHC119 JHCompo - MAGFest Edition Popularity OHC120, thesimulcollab Popularity (2), Blogging/IMs Japanese Homework Jammix OHC121 Brawl Sux Viennese Ball 2011 OHC122 OHC123 The Enneagram, Revisited Animation on Display (AOD), Day 1 Animation on Display (AOD), Day 2 Pop Music Close your mouth, open your ears Irrational Fears Japanese Conversation Final Primal Scream Digital Vs. Analog Controls OHC124, OHC125, OHC126 Tsundere Side/Supporting Characters Magic OHC127 OHC128 Winter Quarter in Review (2010-2011) Less Time Cleaning Final Fantasy Mainstream music Natural Defense Mechanism Changing Social Circle OHC129, OHC130 Nanatsuiro Drops Video Game Music Quote Longing But...the Future Refused to Change. Confidence in Leading Kimball New Staff Rollouts Dependency, Letting Go, Tension Discography, Unjammix OHC131, OHC132 Strangers, Again This World Angel Hourou Musuko Anime Glowsticking Performance Forever OHC133 To the Follows Loved Love Language (revisited) Senior Formal, Dancing, You Belong With Me Big Dance (2011) OHC134 I'm a Bad Staff Member OHC135 Coward People who seem like they might be cool Arm's Length Try Harder Japanese Homework again OHC136 Fanime 2011 Social Media Is Ruining Everything On Crying / Feeling Like A Piece Of Crap Brainstorming Meaningful Online Interactions Single-Player Social Dance OHC137, OHC138 Early Christmas / Stepping Back / Ready Growing Up One More Thing (Imbalance in Relationships) New Beginnings Spring Quarter in Review (2011) Not going to take that anymore Tower of Heaven OHC141 Pop Music Lyrics, Rhythm in Dancing, Social Dance Social Circles OHC142 Dedication / Different Ignored Spambots are Better Friends 1% Rule, Yet Again The Fun of Sequence Dances Emotes / Growing / Dance / Introspection / Too Loud / Another Angel Souleye Quote OHC143 Google+: A Chance to Reflect Procrastination OHC144 Empathy / Connecting / Judgment and Social Pressures / Written words vs. Vocal words Google+'s Circles OHC145 OHC146 timeline.txt OHC147 So you want to be a grand master? OHC148 Concentration Social Media: What Am I Doing!? OHC149 Letter Writing FB Usage OHC150 Decomposition Indie Game Highlights - Value, Narrow, The Unicated OHC151 OHC152 Communicating, Speaking, Math, and what kind of CS person I am OHC153 Christmas Letters 2011 Advisory Dream Cry OHC154 Dumb and Smart OHC155 OHC156 Writing The Stanley Parable Pushback Pressure Connection OHC157 Abyss / Personalities OHC158 OHC159 OHC160 Posting Less, Isolation, etc. OHC161 Trance Expression OHC162 OHC163 OHC164 "From scratch" OHC165 Self-fullfillment in Games / parallel with society OHC166 Personality Types OHC167 Me Time Gamers Fall Quarter in Review (2011) Sorting Hat stuff OHC168 OHC169 Biggest Fan Prices OHC170 Disney Wholeness Sight or Hearing OHC171 I've got it down. That damned stigma about talking about games OHC172 Relationships OHC173 Falling OHC174 Makoto Sawatari (2) OHC175 OHC176 High Standards, Relationships, Validation, Dance as a Lens, Together OHC177 I will do my best to express myself! Asking questions, knee-jerk responses Waltz perspective Mighty Ducks CS248 - Best Game Disney Heroines OHC178 OHC179 OHC180 Katawa Shoujo Winter Quarter in Review (2012) OHC181 A different sort of language OHC182 OHC183 Stood Up (2) Timeline (2) Life without Social Media Girl of my Dreams/What I Want/etc. OHC184 Sword and Sworcery I'm such an ISFJ. OHC185 Friendships/relationships, Confident, Nice Guy OHC186 Big Dance (2012) ISFJ description Precious 4 people Fanime - Day 1 (2012) Fanime - Day 2 (2012) IWBTG (3) Someone Just for Me Fanime - Day 3 (2012) Brave Japan Day 1 Japan Day 2 Japan Day 3 Japan Day 4 Japan Day 5 Japan Day 6 Japan Day 7 Japan Day 8 Spring Quarter in Review (2012) Japan Overall Social Dance Music Going the extra mile Strobo Nights "Which Am I?" - Starcraft/Warcraft "Which Am I?" - Magic: The Gathering Why Do I Write Music? Figuring It Out Lesser Greater vs. Equal, Relations, Fear Ms. Lee's quote 2012 2012 (2) Musicality Drawing vs. Music DanceBit Teaser Perfection Emotions swirling around Catching Up Characters My Voice Music Writing, Passive Songs that make you cry

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Feeling so ughhhhhh so much anxiety!

Unsure of myself, but then I listen to my much good music...I have so much awesome stuff that you guys don't even have your hands on yet.  My album with A-zu-ra is really awesome, and you guys haven't even heard any of that yet.  My Strobo Nights mix is REALLY GOOD.  Lullaby of Flame is still really awesome, and new people are finding it because I got featured in Extra Credits.  Sayuri's Reel is still awesome.  And there's so much more that you guys don't even know about, seriously.

It didn't used to matter what I say in my blog, I think...I could just say anything.  But it does now, I feel like.  People are watching, people are reading.  It's funny, because I always used to complain about how posting on my blog is always like shooting stuff into the void, and nothing ever comes back.  But now I feel it, I feel presence watching me, and it makes me stop and think about what to say, what to not say.  It's not "free" anymore, I feel like.

My blog used to have so much complaining and bitterness...well, more bitterness way long ago, and after that more like complaining, complaining about CCRMA and Facebook and people sucking and everything like that.  Now it just feels like...I shouldn't say such things.  People are paying attention...I shouldn't be so negative, because being negative is has too much weight.

Writing letters feels really awkward now, somehow.  Like I don't know what to say.  It's really really weird.  It used to be simple...I would just write whatever is on my mind, whatever has been happening, whatever I'm feeling.  Why is that so difficult now?  It's because...sometimes what is on my mind is things that I can't say.  Or sometimes what I'm feeling is something I might not want to admit?  I don't know.  Just that I have that sensation now, of not being sure what to write about.

It sucks so much, to lose my voice like that.  I wonder if I'll get it back?  Ah, I'm probably overreacting a little bit.  My letters aren't -that- much different, I guess.  I overreact quite a lot, don't I?  But see, before, I would never question myself about that...I could just overreact, and whatever is bothering -me- is just what I would write, because that's what -I'm- feeling.  And who would have a problem with that?  Who...?