Thursday, August 1, 2013

It didn't used to matter what I say in my blog, I think...I could just say anything.  But it does now, I feel like.  People are watching, people are reading.  It's funny, because I always used to complain about how posting on my blog is always like shooting stuff into the void, and nothing ever comes back.  But now I feel it, I feel presence watching me, and it makes me stop and think about what to say, what to not say.  It's not "free" anymore, I feel like.

My blog used to have so much complaining and bitterness...well, more bitterness way long ago, and after that more like complaining, complaining about CCRMA and Facebook and people sucking and everything like that.  Now it just feels like...I shouldn't say such things.  People are paying attention...I shouldn't be so negative, because being negative is has too much weight.

Writing letters feels really awkward now, somehow.  Like I don't know what to say.  It's really really weird.  It used to be simple...I would just write whatever is on my mind, whatever has been happening, whatever I'm feeling.  Why is that so difficult now?  It's because...sometimes what is on my mind is things that I can't say.  Or sometimes what I'm feeling is something I might not want to admit?  I don't know.  Just that I have that sensation now, of not being sure what to write about.

It sucks so much, to lose my voice like that.  I wonder if I'll get it back?  Ah, I'm probably overreacting a little bit.  My letters aren't -that- much different, I guess.  I overreact quite a lot, don't I?  But see, before, I would never question myself about that...I could just overreact, and whatever is bothering -me- is just what I would write, because that's what -I'm- feeling.  And who would have a problem with that?  Who...?

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