Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I don't want to hide my sorrows.

I took my mom to Richard's class today.  It was so fun!  Dancing is...really fun, isn't it?  Both leading and following...they're both so much fun.  How could I ever choose just one of them?  When I'm dancing, being exuberant, and putting confidence in my own style...that is happiness.  I wish that I could just dance like that more often.  Ahh, but, I guess, it's necessary that sometimes I'll just dance like I'm more depressed.  I guess there isn't any escaping that.  I wish I could be happy, but, sometimes, I just need to be sad.  And I guess, I'm really bad at being happy, unless the sadness is pushed out.  That's why it makes sense that B talked about sadness as squeezing, like squeezing a sponge.  It has to be squeezed out sometimes.

I can only truly write about my own thoughts and feelings.  Not just in words, but in music too.  How else would I be able to express things, if the feelings aren't even mine in the first place?  I'm sure that it's probably the same for drawing, too.  Everyone is so good at drawing, really.  I only just started.  Really there's nothing that I've done that I should be impressed with, but I think, just because of the way I am, it's necessary for me to be proud of it, otherwise I'd get too discouraged.  Heh, makes it easier if there are little victories along the way, too.

When I first started writing music, it was like that too.  Well, maybe a bit easier, since I've been working with music all the time, so melodies and rhythm and everything came easily to me; it was really just the arrangement, synthesis, production that I didn't know.  But I was happy with all of those first songs I made, back in 2004.  You know, it wasn't until 3 years later, in 2007, that I made what I'd probably call my first song that was "quite good".  And it took years after that before I found the style that I have today (still changing, always).

Of course, the issue with music and drawing that makes them so much harder to learn than, how to dance, is that we haven't been watching people do social dance all our lives; but we've been looking at images, pictures, nature, and listening to music for a long long time; we know what is "good" and it becomes readily apparent that the primitive stabs and dittys that we make are...not.

I really have been so hesitant to write about this and have you read it, but I've been thinking about all the posters that are up in my room right now.  You know, the posters, the laminated posters, the wall scrolls, the pencil boards, all the decorations.  I don't know if you know, but these things will routinely fall down off of my wall.  Sometimes because I didn't affix them with enough sticky-tak or whatever; sometimes because of the changing weather; sometimes just because they decided to be stubborn.  Whatever it is, it's just a fact of life that I have to put these things back up on a regular basis.  It's just what I got used to; it was this was back in my sanctuary at Munger too.

And it makes me really wary now, because every time I can't help but relate it to my friendships.  How I have so many that I refuse to let go of, and I'm expending this effort to do that, the end, it's not even about the posters themselves; I just need to keep them up because I don't want any of them to fall down.  There'd be an empty spot in the wall, after all.

I'm getting less disciplined nowadays.  Sometimes I leave them on the floor.  I think that's a separate issue, really; one that I'm struggling with recently.  I seem to have a real lack of discipline, almost uncharacteristically so.  Bah.  But in any case, I can't help but relate all of it to all of these things that I've been thinking, about my so-called "friendships", and...and then I think about the Christmas letters that I'm just afraid to start, because I don't even know what to do about them anymore.  I've thought about taking the posters down, you know...but I don't even know what to think about it.  I don't even know anymore whether I want them up or down.  Heh...isn't that sad?  I actually don't know.  It's too many thoughts being confused together in a giant mishmash.  I can't escape my overriding nature, that I don't want to change, don't want to change, need to keep things as they always are.  But is that really right?  But then again, why would I want to take the posters down?  Aren't these things that I like?  When I think, "I should make my walls cleaner", where is that "should" coming from?  It's not me, is it?  Isn't that not quite right?  I can't tell if it's just because I'm thinking about what my idol would think.  And it almost feels like I'm letting other people down.  What would they think?  To hear that Timmie's room isn't filled with the things that it normally is?  That doesn't seem like Timmie, does it?

I don't think I'll write as many Christmas letters this year.  I feel so sorry for that.  I know that I don't have to apologize, because no one is expecting an apology; it's not really -them- I'm apologizing to.  I'm only apologizing because in my mind I already had a commitment to myself, that friendships mean a certain thing to me.  And I feel like if I lose that, I'm losing a part of myself.

I already lost parts of myself, though.  It's not quite so bad.  Ahh, I hate it though.  I really hate it.

No comments :

Post a Comment