2026.07

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202607 

I wished, at the beginning of the year, for peace, recovery, tranquility, rest, respite. Thus far, the summer has been a mild one, so my silent prayers have come through in at least one way. For the rest it is, of course, not simply up to the whims of fate, but something that I can take responsibility for as well. It has not been easy to cultivate the quiet peace that I know so well, but there have been pockets of time and space where I relish in the feeling. I know that I will ultimately not end up benig able to return to the place from whence I came, but still, I am convinced that I will be "at home".

In the moments of clarity amidst sleepwalking through life, I think to myself that I would like to be more like Her, that if only I could fold my hands, breathe calmly, and wear a silent smile, that the warmth would spread from inside to out, from outside in, through the rest of my body and heart. And like the warm light of the lantern amidst the snow, it would remind me that not all things are pointless, destined for sadness, that the in-between moments of solitude can themselves be sacred, that in the middle of our dreamwalking we are infinite.

We become what we do -- our actions dictate who we are. During those times when I feel powerless to steer myself onto the path, I shall remember that there is always a strength that I carry within myself, if I stop for a moment to let the lily blossom. Even in the heat of the summer sun, we can recall the feeling of the rain gently trickling through the morning fog. I may have loosened the threads that tie me to my past, but I still draw energy from my memories. 

I met them in my dream -- the one that I said "I love you" to. But in the end I knew that they wouldn't understand anything I said, that it was all just make-believe. It made me cry, just a little bit. To be together with that person, yet, really, truly, not at all.

Life is both a blessing and a curse. Why are we born into it? There is no such thing as regret after we are gone. Maybe the suffering of existence will cease to be, too. Is that, what it means, to truly feel peace? Have I ever felt such a thing before? Where there are no more voices, no more thoughts, no more ungranted wishes.

I spent my day just finishing up my drawing. It took up pretty much the entire day, aside from cooking, napping with baby girl, and a little outing we had. It turned out alright. Not fantastic, but alright, and I was happy to get the task accomplished. Perhaps my monthly artworks have really become more like my One Hour Compo entries in that regard -- they're consistently alright, and I get them done, despite not always being great. That's a fine place to be, though.

I felt a little bit of it, today and yesterday, a little of that emptiness. I'm thankful that I managed to get what I wanted to, accomplished today. Didn't manage to get the groceries done, but something else came up in its place, and I'll be able to put together something tomorrow anyways, so it's fine. I tried the gongmei that I was gifted and it's...not great, to be perfectly honest. The people who gave me this tea also gave me some other white tea that was a little off. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. On the one hand, there's the technical aspect of them probably not knowing where are reputable sources to buy from. But on the other hand, there is certainly a more spiritual aspect to it, as well. The "vibe", as they say, ends up mattering more often than not, because sometimes there are establishments, people, settings, situations, that you already know won't be amenable to you, without having to spend more time with them. As someone who is not "of the norm" in so many ways, it's easy to tell when a place or a group of people is welcoming of people who are different. I'm sure a lot of you understand what I mean.

I called it on JaSmix after some more issues came up (not even under any of our control). Well, it's not necessarily even a bad thing given where I am with dance these months. Better luck next time.

I get to play some more ALTTPR with the mentees tomorrow, so hopefully that will be fun. There is a part of me that wonders, "why am I bothering to still do this", but it's not really stemming from the fact that it's a bad activity or a poor fit for me or not enjoyable, it's just more that I seem to be questioning that for everything regardless of what it is. Nihilism and all that. I always thought that the day would come when I would revoke everything worldly and pursue spiritual peace through rejection, yet, also, I knew that in my heart there was something also that kept me from it, that kept the fire of rebellion burning against "peace" attained through those means. Years ago I felt like I had been hurt, changed, made into a worse version of myself, even, but it is an even more disorienting feeling to not know whether that flame even exists anymore whatsoever.

I feel a twinge of anger, a sort of "I will do it all and become the best", but of course, anger is no peace; far from it. I know that I am constantly "dying", constantly being reborn as someone else. In that way, I'll never be able to be who I once was, but sometimes that bothers me more than it does other times. I've felt more sad, more angry, more depressed, more weary, but perhaps I have not felt so disillusioned before. I am "supposed to" take care of myself, but it feels like just another one of so many things I am put through. Of course, that is only natural. It is just really annoying not having around what made me strong. Now I am just capable, without any real strength.

Should probably write in here more often, I always found it to be theraputic earlier in life to write down all the mundane stuff. I've been trying to see if I can get back on using Quabble and those kinds of apps also encourage the same sort of "unwinding" practice. There's the whole concept that when you speak and share words, they have less power -- less power over you, less power in general. Maybe that's not always the case -- I have known plenty of people who try to give their words more power by writing it down. But, then again, I have to wonder, are they even successful? I have, after all, seen a lot of sticky notes and reminders, new years' resolutions, that fail.

I have love in my life, many loves, though many may not be who you imagine them to be. I am lonely, perhaps, but not loveless.

Went to FDC last night. They mistook me for being younger than I was -- either that, or mistook the other person for being older than he was -- but I have a feeling it was more the former. It was funny hearing myself addressed as "sir" and "ma'am" alternatively by two different servers. Sometimes it hits you just how far "behind" some parts of society are.

It was fine, though not the best -- I've certainly had better, and in terms of value for price it's horrendous, but you aren't really going there for "value" anyhow. I paid for the visit -- a rarity, but I felt fine doing it, not because I felt some sort of obligation, but because maybe it'd get them off my back for a bit.

I actually drove off to there right after hastily finishing up a vod review for a mentee, so I didn't have time to really clean up (which was fine). We've finished the swiss ruonds of the mentor tournament, which means hopefully I'll start reclaiming a little bit of my time back. It's...honestly a bit tricky to say how much fun I had mentoring this year. I mean, it was fun this year, don't get me wrong, but I think it's a little muddied up by the anhedonia and depression I had mixed in there through some of the weeks and days. I've spent a lot of time doing vod reviews and working with folks, and I don't regret it, but I've of course realized that I need -- no, I =want= -- to be more guarded with my time and energy. It's important to say no when you don't actually want something -- in the days of yesteryear, I tried to say no, multiple times, but I backed down when my "no" was met with its own "no". I should not have to allow others to refuse my "no". Consent means consent.

I made a pretty big mistake while mentoring, which was a cruddy way to cap the season off, but hey, that happens, right? It is a reminder that as much as my frail little ego wants to believe that I'm just the best at everything, I'm really not. It is often uncomfortable for me to encounter the truths of the world, which is why I've gotten so comfortable with being a big fish in a small pond. On the one hand, living with that sense of having to fear your ego being hurt, isn't always a great thing. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort, even at the cost of growth.

I got gifted some gong mei, which I tried a bit, but have not gotten to brew properly yet -- will have to do so tomorrow and evaluate how I feel about it. At least, tea is always something that is nice to have, how can it not be?

I started watching Journal with Witch and am loving it so far! I know nothing about how the series ends aside from the fact that someone said it was "9/10 instead of the 10/10 it could have been". But that's fine -- it's a mistake to come into stories expecting anything lofty anyways.

I got some drawing done at the cafe, but will have to finish the rest of it later. It could be a good thing to work on tomorrow. Maybe if I'm feeling audacious enough, I could even try to work on drawing for Rhythm Quest next, or -- God willing -- another album cover. I tried some tieguanyin dark roast milk tea while I was there...you could really taste the "dark roast" part of it. It's so interesting how varied oolong teas are, and how specific my taste can be with them. There are probably so many that I'm just not a fan of, but there is just that one vein that I like. Whereas I've only really met one or two white tea varieties that I don't really like at all.

I was looking at an acquaintance's social media post and they got a reply saying something to the effect of "please update ___ when are you going to do ___" (relating to the game project they had published, which was completely unrelated to what they were talking about). And I realized that if Rhythm Quest ever gets completed and becomes successful this is also what lies in store for me -- random people commenting on unrelated posts demanidng that I work do more work on the game. Actually, it's already happened on my youtube videos with people demanding that I release more videos or hurry up and finish the game.

Anyways I didn't do any work on Rhythm Quest these past few days. Gee, I wonder why.

JaSmix scheduling is still in limbo but at this point I don't care anymore. If other people let me run it then I will, otherwise I won't. Who am I to put an arm and a leg in to run an event for people who are just specks in my existence? There are no more one-way streets in my life, no more free passes. You don't get something for nothing. You don't get a free lunch.

Overwatch has been running 6v6 experiments with 1-3-2/flex roles, which has been...interesting. I still prefer the 5v5 game modes for sure, but I'm sure part of it is also just that my character is essentially nerfed, and not only does that mean I have less impact, it also means I'm just not used to the way that I have to play. I feel like I'm not doing as well, but I guess, that is also kind of to be expected. I just have to keep trying to be cognisant and focus on my positioning and engages.

I tried to reach out to someone who had helped me get in touch before, but they didn't answer. That ditn't really break my heart or anything, just, had to make do and survive on my own for a little longer, again. It does seem a little sad though, now that I think about it. Yet another person failing to come through for me? I don't think it's unfair at all, there is no sense of "I did so much for you, why can't you do more for me" (like I have in the earlier years) because that's not the case at all. But there is a sense of "oh...who is actually gonna come through". To that, I am not sure what the answer is yet. I am trying to have an open mind...but not too open, I guess.

I "die" tonight, as I do every night. And tomorrow, another day. My companion has become ever more demanding, more noisy, almost less gentle, I would say. But I guess all beings change, given enough time. I still love them. And for once, I know that they still love me.

I am the wolf in the desert, the star that shed its orbit. I am the bird who clipped her own wings, the caterpillar who refused to emerge. I see the threads beyond the fabric, carve my story with words left unspoken. I understand everything that matters, because nothing does. I carry my pain, my emptiness, my sadness, my peace, my soul. I carry them forward, I carry them back. And through it all, I sift through the infinite grains of sand, knowing that as they slip through my fingers they are forever.

I guess it is a lesson I've taken away from my experiences? I'm beginning to think more along the lines of "why should I?", and "what have you done for me lately?". In the earlier times, it used to feel impossible for me to stop pouring effort into things because it just felt like there was no other option -- even a bad friendship, for example, was better than no friendship at all.

Maybe a couple of different things changed there. Not just the fact of having some connections that actually bring me happiness, but also having gone through relations that were =worse= than having no connection at all. When you are starving you are kind of desperate for any kind of food, no matter how good or bad it is for you. And it's easy to say "you should watch what you eat" but that is really hard to justify to someone who feels like they just need any sort of sustenance at all.

And so, it has become easier for me to push aside those things that are not serving me well. It is surprising sometimes how easy and clear it is for me to see. There is almost a sense of "why didn't I see this earlier?", even though of course the circumstances were different earlier.

Perhaps it is a bit presumptuous to say that I have simply become better attuned to my feelings. But I have to imagine that is a part of it, too. This is probably what they mean when they talk about "authenticity" being a shield that protects you in life -- either by keeping you away from experiences that are bad for you, or simply by warding off people who you don't want to be in your life.

Of course there is a flipside to all of it, too. There are things that you lose if you go too far, if you become apathetic and unwilling to put in any effort for anything, if you become faithless, and assume the worst outcomes. But there are avenues where it is simply clear that it does not behoove me to put in more effort if I don't want to. There are strangers who have done absolutely nothing for me over the course of my life, demanding that I work harder to fulfill their wants and expectations. Why should I? What do I get out of it?

A lot of the time in this world the only person who's really looking out for your own happiness has to be you.

Why is it that people have such exacting standards for who they deem worthy as romantic partners, but assume that they will be alright spending the rest of their lives taking care of their children, no matter who they turn out to be? Is it because they plan to mold them, craft them to their specifications, to fulfill their needs, coerce them into being their caretakers in their old age? Or is it a matter of assumption -- that "one descended from me by blood must think and feel alike" -- despite speaking in the previous breath of how they vow to be different than their forebearers?

If they could, would they also craft their mates to their own specifications? Telling them right from wrong, instilling virtues, setting rules, and punishing them when they rebel. Choosing their outfits, their hairstyles, their gender identities. You say "no" to the thought of an artificial partner or child satisfying your needs, then quickly open the next app to specify the age, height, personality, salary, blood type of the one you wish to meet. If life gave you a choice between children to birth, would you also specify their weight, their face shape, their disposition? What would you use to filter their profiles? Obedience? Intelligence? Attractiveness?

Go forth, then. Craft your life as you see fit, to your own specifications. Find your king, your queen, your pawns, that you may advance forward your agenda. This is what you have chosen to do, with your freedom.

2026.06

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202606

Better to stay still, than to lose yourself.

Yes, there have been times when I have questioned my own being due to the presence of another. But no matter how much I learn from those who have traveled other paths, I have always returned with a conviction that theirs is not mine to walk. And how could it be? Our self-concept is for us alone to grasp, define, and make truly ours.

Now, though, I find myself in a silent struggle for balance. Without the threads linking me to the past to hold onto, I try my best to draw strength from within. Sometimes, the darkness inherent in our existence threatens to replace tranquility with emptiness. Despite that, there have always been quiet truths to my way of life that are self-evident, when they come to light. I have long since stopped questioning them.

In the absence of acceptance by those surrounding us, some learn to camouflage themselves, others change their own selves outright. And there are those of us who have migrated elsewhere, reaffirmed in our belief that no, regardless of what you may say, this =is= the way I ought to be. If you search for belonging for long enough, you end up finding it in yourself, if nowhere else.

I may be strict with my judgments, but I understand that each individual's "flaws" are only viewed as such because you look upon them with a narrow-minded perspective. I live and let live. And so, tomorrow I begin anew, trying to do nothing more than take a cautious step forward from yesterday.

The end is nothing more than a return to what once was. You have spent almost all of eternity not existing, and will continue to evermore. If you experienced your life backwards, would you be afraid of your birth?

When you merge with the universe, will you take comfort in knowing that you are re-united with a greater whole? Or, like Kaguya, will you shed a tear for what you lost?

Is the world cruel enough that our forever-escape will provide hope -- the hope that perhaps, the non-world will be a place for us?

You, who claim to take records of your experiences for sentimental values. Do you understand, that you have already lost them all? Will you ever understand, at the end of it all, that it was all meaningless? Or will you believe until the very end, that you will pass on your worldly desires, that you manifest your will into so many horcruxes, staked into those who will claim subservience -- or at least, feign it?

Perhaps everyone ought to experience death, at least once in their life. But perhaps not, either. Who is to say that it would not drive them mad?

Every night when I close my eyes, the world ceases to exist. Is it for the best?

"With the stars" is a lonely place, truth be told. I don't think I belong there either. But if not there, then, where?

You think you know so much. You don't even understand your own ending.

Selfless

How many children have gone hungry
because of your generosity?

How much debt did you incur
to pay your respects to God?

How many flowers were trampled
beneath your hurried footsteps
as you ran across the quiet meadow
to fetch a bouquet from the market?

Just how many quiet souls, I wonder
wished to escape your love?

I am not simply lonely, but sad for all that I have "lost". Yet, I would never blame any of those who "abandoned" me, for most of them never did at all. There are so many people that are lonely; if only all of the people could come together and heal each others' loneliness, you might think. But I learned, before it was ever even proposed to me, that that is not the world that I seek. For I have been scarred by love, smothered, before even such time as when I received my own name.

So go, as you continue your cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I, too, have been told that all living things must participate in this cycle. But even if I am not fated to escape this cycle, I will simply remain, lingering as a formless echo. If I am destined for this "failure" to ascend, then so be it.

I broke free of those bonds once, and perhaps, once again. How could I deign to bind another with them? Perhaps one day I will -- desperately syphoning the life force of the meek and the weak to fool myself into thinking that I can escape the fate that awaits us all.

Perhaps they who have already planned to fool themselves are the wise ones after all. But I have seen too much, seen too clearly, past even the specter of disillusionment that you claim haunts the earth. My aptitude for recalling the past allows me to recall the future, as well -- I can see, plainly, what your outcome is.

Call me karmically imbalanced, if you must. But I know that the steadily spinning top repels all evil. And if I am to find everlasting happiness, it will radiate from the still waters, undisturbed by all those who would seek to usurp the sacred ground.

You who would decry me for doing something which I found was espoused.  You who would twist your words, twisting them like daggers "for my benefit". You, who would force your will upon me.

These stories where people are haunted or chased, these aren't just normal people, they're flawed, or conflicted, or have some dark past, right? In the end there is some sort of resolution that supposedly advances forward their character as they are able to finally overcome, or at least escape the Big Bad.

In one way, that happened. In another way, it kind of didn't. Sometimes it is all we can do to live our lives "on the run". Phantoms are not corporeal, but even if they were, you wouldn't be able to get rid of them so easily. If it were only a figment of your imagination, a memory, a ghost of the past, then sure, but things are not so simple as that. There is a monster out there, one who I know will never stop chasing.

Perhaps at different points, love, self-assurance, have all been my shield, during the times when I must venture outside my sanctuary. But there is no way to escape the harm that will be done. Again and again. 

=====

Go Mode Podcast mentoring is in full swing. I'm glad I decided to take on only 2 mentees per week again -- honestly, that's probably like 10 hours of commitment when you add it all up.  On the side I've been trying to put together a bunch of the data science I've been doing; no idea when that will all be really ready to present, but maybe as the tournament goes on.

I feel like enough of a veteran when it comes to coaching because I've begun to see the common patterns in these mentees, the ubiquitous habits that develop indepedently, the common misconceptions, the things I have to say over and over like a broken record. It makes me want to make more short explanation videos, but eh, I don't necessarily need to push myself now, do I?

Something sort of clicked somehow, in Overwatch. It's not like I don't make mistakes or misplays anymore, but somehow I am finding that I'm actually able to Do The Right Thing sometimes, slow down my aim, be a little bit more calm, try to make the right kinds of plays. It's surprising how much of a "switch flip" it's felt like.

In the meantime I've been sinking time into Marathon, which has been...interesting. It's been fun, though I can't tell exactly how much I enjoy it. It's certainly interesting and engaging, if nothing else. We'll see, I guess.

For now, though... 

2026.05

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202605

Recently, someone close to me needed to have medical intervention and was bedridden for some time; part of me wondered if they would ever be the same after that.  I, too, have been through hard times this past month.  Nothing as drastic as that, to be sure, but certainly I felt the vitality in my spirit fading, diminished. Perhaps, I wondered, too, whether I would ever be the same.

On the other hand, I am sick and tired of "waiting around for my life to get better".  Some problems, cannot be solved -- some weaknesses, are perhaps not worth the effort to address.  I could seek forgiveness for the sins of my past, train to be a person so "perfect" that I would accept imperfection.  But I am tired of explaining myself, tired of questioning who I am, tired of feeling like I don't belong, or don't deserve happiness.  I am tired of being judged by the imaginary phantoms of my mind.

I knew who I was, once, and now, once again.  Even after I threw all of my dreams away, I, still, will never back down.  Someone who I used to care about very much once told me to never let anyone else control you.  So I won't.  It doesn't matter anymore whether I am right or wrong.  It is just who I am.  Regardless of what you, or even the world thinks of that.

From https://blacktabbygames.medium.com/on-writing-scarlet-hollow-episodes-4-and-5-edition-and-maybe-the-roads-untraveled-too-490a012808ca 

A tiny handful of people have reacted very strongly to this ending, going as far as to send hate mail or otherwise harass us online, arguing that by purchasing the game, they should be free to do whatever they want with it, and that it’s unethical of us to impede their actions.

[...] 

I can think of no other medium where I’ve seen audience members assert a moral right to edit a creator’s work and to not only personally declare those edits as valid, canonical alterations, but to expect and demand that a work’s authors publicly condone these actions.

Though often couched in arguments favoring collective ownership, this stance, to me, is rooted in consumerism taken to an extreme: a personal desire to so wholly have ownership over another person’s work that one is willing to strip away anything that causes discomfort, choosing only to engage with a sanded down idea of what a text could have been rather than engaging with the text itself.

If you do hold this mindset and you found this short section of a very long essay upsetting, then I ask you to take a step back and ask yourself why that is.

Again, is this who you want to be?

=====

I found this passage referenced online and while it's nothing new, the "I can think of no other medium" part of it stirring some thoughts in me.  I think it is easy to just point at "toxic gamer culture" and call it a day, but as I was thinking about it more I came to the conclusion (well, not a new one for me necessarily) that people who play games are pushed toward feeling more entitled because they have invested more active effort into their experience.  It's not a phenomenon unique to video games either; I think it's easy to see that when people are more invested in a given thing they are more prone to anger, frustration, etc when that thing falls short of their expectations.  Frustration is also really common when a thing is "blocking" someone from doing something they want to do.  This could be red tape, doctors having to file insurance claims, or it could be something like a tool that doesn't work (dull scissors, shoddy wi-fi, a printer that constantly jams).

This is also why you might get surprisingly extremist views from fandoms and communities that are super invested in works of fiction.  To these people, the characters in these creative works are an essential part of their lives that has had real-world consequences on them.  Maybe it brought them a sense of community, maybe they spent a lot of their own time making fan works, heck, maybe it made them feel like they were in love.  It's not just a movie that they sat there and passively watched; it's something they really put a lot into.

None of these were really new thoughts in my head, but when I started putting it all together I realized something really troubling, which is that the way that (many) games are made and the business model around their success necessarily pushes players toward this level of investment.  "Live service games" are the new model of success, and games have gone beyond simple aspects of "addictiveness" or even "FOMO" and into making you feel like you are an active part of driving the game experience as a whole.  Twitch streamers understand that parasocial relationships come with numerous problems but also understand that someone who "thinks of the streamer as their best friend" is more likely to tune in every day, to gift an extra sub when asked.

And so the frightening conclusion is that, as far as the studios and publishers are concerned, people are =supposed= to be feeling more entitled to their experiences.  The more they can cultivate this sense of "personal ownership and investment", the more successfully they have done their job.

It is cool, I guess, when creative works can help inspire people to feel bigger feelings like community, meaning, purpose, investment.  Something on a higher level than just entertainment.  It's a struggle to see that it also comes with so many problems, but I guess if I step back and think about it holistically, that's just always the case with many thing in life, isn't it?  You gain something, but also open yourself up to more risk.  The question is, what will you decide to do about it?  Will you accept the bad along with the good, or will you reject it entirely? 

I'm...doing alright, maybe?

It was a bit up and down of a day; another occurrence of me falling asleep and not really having the strength to wake up again until much later.  It's a good thing that I'll be able to sleep in/later for the next couple of days, hopefully that will help things out.

I didn't take care of "everything" today, but I also didn't really need to?  I think part of the good feeling stems from a small sense of accomplishment.  I ran through my lesson plan for Monday for the first time, and while it of course was pretty awkward and a lot of things needed tweaking, overall it came out not too far off of time, which is pretty great.  I'll have to run through it a couple more times, but mainly just making sure that I can get through things concisely and have folks dancing more, sooner.

Work had some really annoying blockers that cropped up, which got me really drained, but that's all put to the side for now, at least.  I've been continuing to find progress in Ragnarok Online (Echoes of Morroc), farming various pieces of gear for my character.  I've hit the point of diminishing returns, for sure, and leveling is both slow and doesn't provide much benefit, so most of the progress is going to come off of gear at this point.  Honestly though, it's been pretty great that the game has kept me engaged for this long; it's not like it's the most exciting thing (Median XL had tighter gameplay, more interesting mechanics and systems), but there is something satisfying about the ol' MMO-style grind when it's done right.  I was worried that I was really running into a wall, but it seems like there's still some realistic runway for me to continue progressing, which is a nice feeling!

Overwatch has taken a little bit of a back seat for the past few days or so, but remains enjoyable.  Most important of a priority has been ALTTPR stuff -- our annual mentor tournament is starting soon so I've been trying to put together some numbers on dungeon efficiency (again).  I had hoped at one point to also do timings for escape, but I haven't even gotten around to starting that.  Maybe over the course of the tournament?  Haha, perhaps that's just wishful thinking.

Some connections don't seem to be panning out, but that's just how it is.  It's always easier to not be disheartened by that kind of stuff when other things are going on in life.  Maslow's hierarchy and all that, I guess.  I stayed home from MCS tonight; I'll be back to it sooner or later, but given the pattern of how I've felt about it the past couple of weeks I thought it was time I just took a little break.  I'm going to jammix and then hosting dancebreak anyways, so I could use some time back.

As with a lot of things, I'm a little bit off my rhythm when it comes to cooking too, but not necessarily in a terrible way.  We've got a bunch of stuff in the fridge to work through in terms of ingredients here and there, also Chicky started laying eggs again so there are a bunch of those to use too -- probably will make some egg+ham fried rice soon to use up some of all that.  Thankfully I had the foresight to not get too many things that would perish super quickly...

Test results came back and I do have a bit of a deficiency, as I might have suspected, especially given what's been going on lately.  I guess that helps explain things a bit, in conjunction with everything else.  What was somewhat less expected was necessitating some diet and exercise changes, but I guess that wasn't super out of the blue either.  That's just how it goes, I guess.

May I continue to be strong in the next few days.

Big Dance 2026 (but actually just self-acceptance)

Previous one: https://ddrkirbyisq.blogspot.com/2025/05/big-dance-2025.html 

Yet another one in the books...this was my 11th Big Dance all-nighter.  It was a good night for me!

For those of us who are less inclined toward seeking dance partners, more reserved perhaps, there is perhaps always a sort of increased inherent challenge when it comes to dance events.  I can only speak to my own limited experience, but I truly cannot think of a single dance event where I haven't felt that sort of awkward difficulty in finding a partner to dance with, it is the reason why I used to think so often, "why am I dealing with this, shouldn't I just pursue dance on my own by myself instead".  It makes me wonder sometimes what it is like to experience that differently.  I am perceptive enough to know that there are those that share my experience, and those that have a different experience of things, but who is to say anything about how they actually compare?  It is a spectrum really, I think everyone shares similar struggles on some level when it comes to these things, but at the same time, you can trace back to various therapy-speak about self-worth and attachment styles where some of us perhaps have a more internalized view of being a burden to others, or an accumulation of rejection sensitivity.  The idea that we need to play the "proper" role in any social, dance, or romantic connection, because that is the way to become accepted and loved.

It's not a new insight to me that my reserved nature is an accumulation of past circumstances, but the more life experiences I have the more I am able to put things into context.  What are you supposed to do when you learn that somebody loves you not for who you are, but for who they expect you to be?  And what do you do when the obvious answer to that question is not an option for you?  We learn so quickly that it is only our positive traits, "correct" thoughts, "acceptable" desires that are to be shown to others, because everything else is a liability.  We sometimes hide who we are, sure, but even more than that, we take this -- our politeness, our discerning nature, the way we *care* for others by putting our best foot forwards -- as our strength and identity.

And who can fault us?  In a photoshopped world where we are told on all fronts what is desirable, what is "right", what are the red flags to avoid, what is "cringe", we are hypervigilant of how we can be negatively perceived -- of how others around us ARE negatively perceived.  "There is a monster inside", we conclude, because we have seen that "monster" in others.  And in a self-righteous twist of morality we "protect" others from our whole selves in the way we secretly wish they would keep their whole selves from us.  "What is the difference between a child and an adult?" we ask ourselves, and we conclude that maturity can only be wrought from pushing down all that is unsightly.

We keep safe our true feelings and thoughts, but once in a blue moon, someone comes along that we feel might accept them for what they are.  They ask for the key to that locked box, and with shaking hands we unlock it for them.  What, then, when they revulse in disgust, telling us there must be some sort of mistake?  We should never have tried to show our true selves at all.

Even in this day and age where I keep claiming I blog less often "than I used to", blogging about my crappy days, my depressive episodes, my rambling thoughts and feelings, remains a vital practice for me to expose a part of myself that is less refined.  To be "authentic", as they say.  It is not something that comes naturally, but maybe it ought not to be in the first place.  We are multifaceted beings, full of conflicts and contradictions.  Perhaps it is simply the nature of some situations, that we end up putting ourselves in the line of crossfire, between what is true, and what is "right".

Some things stay the same, some other things change.  I think what made this Big Dance slightly more enjoyable than some others was simply that I felt more connections to individual people.  I was able to have some rare dances where I really viscerally felt the enjoyment of it (a rarity these days, but not something that has gone extinct), I had one or two friends to keep me company through the night and simply share experiences and recountings with, and I had a couple of folks that I got to know a little bit better over the course of the evening.  Some of these bonds will be short-lived, I'm sure, but there is always that small chance that one of them could be meaningful.  And that is really the only way to go about it, right?

There's a lot of interesting thoughts and feelings, having been through the ages and the years, still in this same place somehow.  Things which changed, things which didn't change.  I think about my role in it all, too -- a curious one, in some regards, yet in other senses, completely unremarkable.  I talked to a friend of mine about how it seemed like the dancers nowadays seem to be interested in pursuing a different set of things than what I value in dance.  But also, who am I to say what anybody else should or shouldn't be interested in?  I am just one person.  If I want to explore, portray, and share what I think is beautiful in dance, then the way to do that is by sharing it through my dance itself -- and I do (or at least, try).  And if I want to see a space that embodies what I believe is important, then the way to do that is to simply host an event that speaks to my own values.  And I do.  There is nothing more that I have to do.

I got back home probably around 8 or 8:30 in the morning, and slept until around 5:30 in the evening.  I'm feeling a little off of sorts, which is to be expected from all that.  I feel a little icky not having gotten any good productivity days in quite some time, but I also understand that that's just the way it is sometimes.  Sometimes we don't have to force ourselves to be anything other than what is simply our natural state.

It's been really scarring, to have people that need me to be somebody else other than who I actually am.  To feel that my worth is simply a matter of how closely I can conform to their expectations.  I think it instilled this idea into my spirit that there is no place in the world for who I am.

Don't let anybody tell you who you need to be.  There is only one other person who I could trust with that, and She does not exist.

We are always losing something or another, or at the very least, feeling like we are.  Sometimes more quickly, at other times more gradually.  It used to be that I'd feel the loss of people, connections, experiences, activities, memories.  Somehow, I find that the flavor of loss has changed.  It's not to say that I don't lose those types of things anymore.  I still lose people, I still find that things have changed.  If I open up the little box, I still see the crystal unicorn, not only that, but I see its mate.  I have both of them, you see.

But somehow none of those things are at the forefront.  From what I've been writing in here, it's already apparent that I don't find myself wishing to travel back in time to the past.  That has never been a surprising thing; I've always been aware enough of the changes, of the "milestones" along my descent from the dreams of "forever" and "someday".  Like dominoes falling one by one, it was a natural progression -- one experience scarring me, triggering a changed perspective on another.  It was scary at first, but that fright had given way to grief, weariness, and perhaps now, even a sort of somber acceptance.

I don't feel the loss of people in my life anymore; it's the loss of parts of myself that I seem to feel and write about.  That too, is not necessarily a new thing, either.  I wrote many times about not being able to be who I used to be, not being able to dance the way I used to be.  It was not always negative either; I knew for example, that I could probably not write music the way I used to, but there was not a reason I felt like I really needed to.  Of course, there was -- for a time -- a lingering sentiment of, "if I could be who I used to be then I could have what I used to have".  But that, too, faded, along with the rest, it seems.

I don't feel destabilized, like I don't have any value, or that I'm not myself anymore, or that I'm not special, or anything drastic like that.  I still hold strong ideals, precise standards, virtues that I espouse even in private.  But there is a sense of spiritual loss.  Perhaps it is akin to a sort of nihilism of the soul.

We all know where this kind of thing came from.  Is it really surprising that the more I handed out, the more I lost?  Draco gave away half of his heart, but ends being afraid that the choice has cost him his "soul".  In the end he is able to return to the "stars", but at what cost?

What is the most tragic end for the Girl of the Stars?  Is it that she would join the stars by taking the leap, or is it that she would simply give up entirely?  If she were to turn her back on the sky, to "return to the city", let's say, it would be the end of her, in so far as it would be the end of her story.  She could not be the Girl of the Stars if the story is no longer about the Star.

The situation is, perhaps, different for me.  I do not need to be reborn with a new name, as I find myself in this new world without the familiar signposts, without the north star to guide me.  I do not need a new direction, I can simply go the same way that I always have.  What is missing is the "raison d'être".  I always had a goal before; even an impossible goal was a thing that brought definition and clarity.  It contextualized all of the struggles, the hopelessness.  That goal, though, has faded.  I am waiting, perhaps, for a door to open.  For something to show me the way, after I stopped walking forward in the darkness.  That sounds wrong though.  I'm not really waiting so much as I am simply stopped. 

2026.04

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202604

We keep on improving ourselves and our work, believing that someday it will lead us to happiness, but no amount of talent, skill, or discipline truly gets us there. Society may value certain traits and disciplines -- confidence, diligence, charisma, performance -- but it is only those more abstract things that can serve as nourishment for the spirit and soul. Peace, faith, compassion, and the like.

I find it harder these days to press onwards. Not that I have a problem going on with life, or the day to day, but it feels difficult to want to proceed forward. Even those things that I took for granted like putting thoughts and emotions into writing in my blog entries and letters, feel sometimes like a dream where I try to run as fast as I can yet the ground keeps slipping under me.

In the past I would always resist forward motion because my goal was to reconnect with my past. But over the years, after licking my wounds and stitching my broken-ness back together, it's no longer a guiding north star for me to reach out to, unreachable as it may have been. I'm good enough at continuing my ever-steady navigation in the same direction as I always have, but perhaps there is a sort of lack of purpose I'm feeling, a sense of "so what?"

I clasp my hands together to pray, but the derelict shrines provide no solace. What remains is nothing more than the stillness of the lake.

A wordless prayer, then.

Week is starting off okay, I think.  Had a nice massage, gamed a bunch, and I've setup my new monitor.  As reported by others online, there are some gray banding issues, particularly visible on flat monochrome dark gray backgrounds, but nothing I can't look past I think.  The bigger issue is the aspect ratio, but eh, I had to go for a 16:9 at some point anyways, I've held out as long as I could.

Doing things in general at 240/280hz is definitely an experience, but the real question was whether it would make my 60hz content feel any different and the answer is a resounding yes!  Not only is the response time much better (supports VRR too...) but I've managed to get all the settings working to have CRT "beam racing" simulation shaders which, through some optical magick, simulate the visual response of a CRT using the extra "subframes".  It's quite an interesting thing to see in motion, playing LTTP or even SM with the uncanny CRT smoothness.  "Smoother than 60FPS" is certainly a weird idea, but vision persistence and motion tracking is more complicated than "meets the eye", so to speak.

I've got some Rhythm Quest and drawing work to do this week, plus one or two errands, but the rest of the week should ideally just be focused on time for me.  Lord knows I need it after how I was feeling last week.

I've got plenty of games to go at, if and when I feel inclined.  Actually been enjoying Overwatch a fair bit, but besides that, there's Echoes of Morroc, which I may or may not continue to try and narrate my play through, and then trying more crosskeys seeds in ALTTPR.

God willing, maybe I'll try to start feeling more optimistic about life in a more general sense, but let's start one step at a time... 

KUROMIfy the world

The past—and the past before that—that you’ve overcome
That is *Who you are, who you are*
The hand you reach out, the glint at your fingertips
That, too, is *Who you are, who you are*

 

"KUROMIfy the world"

So many times have I discovered that people's preconceptions of how life -- sometimes, my life in particular -- ought to be lived are blatantly off the mark; it feels as if though I could make a living out of it.  What exactly is it like to have a path laid out for you?  People may look at me and think that my gender identity is the main thing that separates me from the crowd, makes me "unusual", but I go to every space, every hobby, every discipline and I find myself at odds in some way.  Maybe I am simply underestimating just how unique every single person's experience is.  We are all living on our own little islands after all.  Still, even though I can never truly understand what it feels to be neurodivergent, I have to imagine there is a similar feeling -- of the road being laid out in front of you, only you find that for you it is the worst possible road imaginable, full of potholes, speed bumps, and construction.  To have to find your own way, because nothing you are "supposed" to be doing works.

=====

I sometimes forget, with all the time and energy I've spent on Rhythm Quest over the years, that no matter how successful it will be, it has no possibility of being my most important game.  Yes, perhaps Rhythm Quest in particular is a game that only I can make, but in the end it is simply another game in a genre.  Like all of the other rhythm games, it has a certain design direction that espouses specific tenets.  Every rhythm game has different strengths and goals -- I've talked about this before, I'm sure.  Even within an individual game series, you have games, charts, even individual players, that clearly focus on different aspects of enjoyment.  You've got the stamina ddr players, the tech players, and the freestyle players.  Bar and no-bar players.

Rhythm Quest sits in an "interesting yet not even that remarkable" middle ground.  It's hard to describe succinctly what my design goals are, but I think you probably know it when you feel it.  It's certainly closer to DDR than it is Rhythm Dr or Rhythm Heaven, but there's a twist in that I think people will actually get more of that "novelty" feeling from the mechanics and the presentation compared to one of your traditional games.  Maybe it's only me that =really= believes in this very exact set of virtues, but if a bunch of other people can end up enjoying it through their own tastes, then all the better.

But the game that is more important than Rhythm Quest has already been released -- it's been 8 years since then.  I may never make a game more important, which is honestly a strange thing to think about.  I don't really think about deriving meaning in life from "what people (in general) will remember me for after I am gone", but if I did, it would be a tossup between that game and the music I've made.  Are those the "most important" things that I've done in life?  That is a matter of perspective and I'm tempted to say no, but that wouldn't change the fact that that's what made the impact as far as plain numbers go.

=====

That stuff that I mentioned about always feeling like I was pushed toward the wrong direction, is why I felt sometimes that this world was not right for me.  That something was mismatched.  There was even a time when I thought that I was "better" than the world, but really the truth was simply that the goals were simply different; one using a measuring stick and the other using a barometer.

Thankfully, lately I don't often seem to be contemplating death and the existential quandary of non-existence, but during those times when I did, it was perhaps often a matter of thinking about whether ultimately life "sucked".  Not in those words of course, but more like "well, that was it huh".  Which is weird because I'm often not one to really wish for more than I have or strive for more.  You'd think that if I wanted some sort of deeper meaning, achievement, or enjoyment out of life that I would be taking an initiative to chase after it.  But it is not so simple.  There is I guess a sense of "nihilism" in the feeling, one that suggests perhaps a sort of spiritual unfulfillment, but at the same time I fear that spiritual enlightenment will only make me realize an even "harsher" sort of truth.

Sometimes it is a saving grace that, in the face of thoughts about non-existence, I am reminded of the burden that it is to exist in the first place.  Buddhism teaches us that (in a simplified way of speaking) attachment and desire lead us to suffering, but perhaps that suffering is inherent to existence itself -- or at least a form of existence.  To not suffer is to not exist; this is why even when we reflect upon how painful and "worthless" Kaguya-sama's life has been, we still lament at the idea that we escape it through a form of nonexistence.

To break the cycle.  Perhaps we are all just nothing more than echoes that still linger in this world, wondering if it is a better or a worse fate than to have been crossed out.