Should probably write in here more often, I always found it to be theraputic earlier in life to write down all the mundane stuff. I've been trying to see if I can get back on using Quabble and those kinds of apps also encourage the same sort of "unwinding" practice. There's the whole concept that when you speak and share words, they have less power -- less power over you, less power in general. Maybe that's not always the case -- I have known plenty of people who try to give their words more power by writing it down. But, then again, I have to wonder, are they even successful? I have, after all, seen a lot of sticky notes and reminders, new years' resolutions, that fail.

I have love in my life, many loves, though many may not be who you imagine them to be. I am lonely, perhaps, but not loveless.

Went to FDC last night. They mistook me for being younger than I was -- either that, or mistook the other person for being older than he was -- but I have a feeling it was more the former. It was funny hearing myself addressed as "sir" and "ma'am" alternatively by two different servers. Sometimes it hits you just how far "behind" some parts of society are.

It was fine, though not the best -- I've certainly had better, and in terms of value for price it's horrendous, but you aren't really going there for "value" anyhow. I paid for the visit -- a rarity, but I felt fine doing it, not because I felt some sort of obligation, but because maybe it'd get them off my back for a bit.

I actually drove off to there right after hastily finishing up a vod review for a mentee, so I didn't have time to really clean up (which was fine). We've finished the swiss ruonds of the mentor tournament, which means hopefully I'll start reclaiming a little bit of my time back. It's...honestly a bit tricky to say how much fun I had mentoring this year. I mean, it was fun this year, don't get me wrong, but I think it's a little muddied up by the anhedonia and depression I had mixed in there through some of the weeks and days. I've spent a lot of time doing vod reviews and working with folks, and I don't regret it, but I've of course realized that I need -- no, I =want= -- to be more guarded with my time and energy. It's important to say no when you don't actually want something -- in the days of yesteryear, I tried to say no, multiple times, but I backed down when my "no" was met with its own "no". I should not have to allow others to refuse my "no". Consent means consent.

I made a pretty big mistake while mentoring, which was a cruddy way to cap the season off, but hey, that happens, right? It is a reminder that as much as my frail little ego wants to believe that I'm just the best at everything, I'm really not. It is often uncomfortable for me to encounter the truths of the world, which is why I've gotten so comfortable with being a big fish in a small pond. On the one hand, living with that sense of having to fear your ego being hurt, isn't always a great thing. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort, even at the cost of growth.

I got gifted some gong mei, which I tried a bit, but have not gotten to brew properly yet -- will have to do so tomorrow and evaluate how I feel about it. At least, tea is always something that is nice to have, how can it not be?

I started watching Journal with Witch and am loving it so far! I know nothing about how the series ends aside from the fact that someone said it was "9/10 instead of the 10/10 it could have been". But that's fine -- it's a mistake to come into stories expecting anything lofty anyways.

I got some drawing done at the cafe, but will have to finish the rest of it later. It could be a good thing to work on tomorrow. Maybe if I'm feeling audacious enough, I could even try to work on drawing for Rhythm Quest next, or -- God willing -- another album cover. I tried some tieguanyin dark roast milk tea while I was there...you could really taste the "dark roast" part of it. It's so interesting how varied oolong teas are, and how specific my taste can be with them. There are probably so many that I'm just not a fan of, but there is just that one vein that I like. Whereas I've only really met one or two white tea varieties that I don't really like at all.

I was looking at an acquaintance's social media post and they got a reply saying something to the effect of "please update ___ when are you going to do ___" (relating to the game project they had published, which was completely unrelated to what they were talking about). And I realized that if Rhythm Quest ever gets completed and becomes successful this is also what lies in store for me -- random people commenting on unrelated posts demanidng that I work do more work on the game. Actually, it's already happened on my youtube videos with people demanding that I release more videos or hurry up and finish the game.

Anyways I didn't do any work on Rhythm Quest these past few days. Gee, I wonder why.

JaSmix scheduling is still in limbo but at this point I don't care anymore. If other people let me run it then I will, otherwise I won't. Who am I to put an arm and a leg in to run an event for people who are just specks in my existence? There are no more one-way streets in my life, no more free passes. You don't get something for nothing. You don't get a free lunch.

Overwatch has been running 6v6 experiments with 1-3-2/flex roles, which has been...interesting. I still prefer the 5v5 game modes for sure, but I'm sure part of it is also just that my character is essentially nerfed, and not only does that mean I have less impact, it also means I'm just not used to the way that I have to play. I feel like I'm not doing as well, but I guess, that is also kind of to be expected. I just have to keep trying to be cognisant and focus on my positioning and engages.

I tried to reach out to someone who had helped me get in touch before, but they didn't answer. That ditn't really break my heart or anything, just, had to make do and survive on my own for a little longer, again. It does seem a little sad though, now that I think about it. Yet another person failing to come through for me? I don't think it's unfair at all, there is no sense of "I did so much for you, why can't you do more for me" (like I have in the earlier years) because that's not the case at all. But there is a sense of "oh...who is actually gonna come through". To that, I am not sure what the answer is yet. I am trying to have an open mind...but not too open, I guess.

I "die" tonight, as I do every night. And tomorrow, another day. My companion has become ever more demanding, more noisy, almost less gentle, I would say. But I guess all beings change, given enough time. I still love them. And for once, I know that they still love me.