I met them in my dream -- the one that I said "I love you" to. But in the end I knew that they wouldn't understand anything I said, that it was all just make-believe. It made me cry, just a little bit. To be together with that person, yet, really, truly, not at all.

Life is both a blessing and a curse. Why are we born into it? There is no such thing as regret after we are gone. Maybe the suffering of existence will cease to be, too. Is that, what it means, to truly feel peace? Have I ever felt such a thing before? Where there are no more voices, no more thoughts, no more ungranted wishes.

I spent my day just finishing up my drawing. It took up pretty much the entire day, aside from cooking, napping with baby girl, and a little outing we had. It turned out alright. Not fantastic, but alright, and I was happy to get the task accomplished. Perhaps my monthly artworks have really become more like my One Hour Compo entries in that regard -- they're consistently alright, and I get them done, despite not always being great. That's a fine place to be, though.

I felt a little bit of it, today and yesterday, a little of that emptiness. I'm thankful that I managed to get what I wanted to, accomplished today. Didn't manage to get the groceries done, but something else came up in its place, and I'll be able to put together something tomorrow anyways, so it's fine. I tried the gongmei that I was gifted and it's...not great, to be perfectly honest. The people who gave me this tea also gave me some other white tea that was a little off. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. On the one hand, there's the technical aspect of them probably not knowing where are reputable sources to buy from. But on the other hand, there is certainly a more spiritual aspect to it, as well. The "vibe", as they say, ends up mattering more often than not, because sometimes there are establishments, people, settings, situations, that you already know won't be amenable to you, without having to spend more time with them. As someone who is not "of the norm" in so many ways, it's easy to tell when a place or a group of people is welcoming of people who are different. I'm sure a lot of you understand what I mean.

I called it on JaSmix after some more issues came up (not even under any of our control). Well, it's not necessarily even a bad thing given where I am with dance these months. Better luck next time.

I get to play some more ALTTPR with the mentees tomorrow, so hopefully that will be fun. There is a part of me that wonders, "why am I bothering to still do this", but it's not really stemming from the fact that it's a bad activity or a poor fit for me or not enjoyable, it's just more that I seem to be questioning that for everything regardless of what it is. Nihilism and all that. I always thought that the day would come when I would revoke everything worldly and pursue spiritual peace through rejection, yet, also, I knew that in my heart there was something also that kept me from it, that kept the fire of rebellion burning against "peace" attained through those means. Years ago I felt like I had been hurt, changed, made into a worse version of myself, even, but it is an even more disorienting feeling to not know whether that flame even exists anymore whatsoever.

I feel a twinge of anger, a sort of "I will do it all and become the best", but of course, anger is no peace; far from it. I know that I am constantly "dying", constantly being reborn as someone else. In that way, I'll never be able to be who I once was, but sometimes that bothers me more than it does other times. I've felt more sad, more angry, more depressed, more weary, but perhaps I have not felt so disillusioned before. I am "supposed to" take care of myself, but it feels like just another one of so many things I am put through. Of course, that is only natural. It is just really annoying not having around what made me strong. Now I am just capable, without any real strength.