2026.08

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202608 

As I get older, I find that everything seems to matter a little less. I still go through ups and downs, still get upset and worried, but with enough perspective you start to feel that things just aren't as big of a deal as they used to be.

I think in the first half of my life there was more of an assumed emphasis on the moments that mattered. About performing at your best, about rising to meet a challenge. How well did you do on your standardized tests? Did you win the competition? Did they fall in love with you? Perhaps meeting people felt that way too -- putting on your best, trying to perform, seem cool, or at least on some level, portray yourself in a certain way. Having someone appreciate and like you, it was like passing a test.

After a while, perhaps "failure" or disappointment starts to just become a normal, expected outcome, rather than something you need to avoid at all costs. But it's not just the failures, it's also the bright points, that start to seem dim as you broaden and lengthen your perspective. The best day of your life, how long did that feeling actually last? That thing you worked so hard for, what did it matter across your life?

I was standing at dance earlier today and thinking about the pressure I always felt, that I was "supposed" to be making the most of every dance opportunity. It was something I had to consciously learn to not get swept up in, to stay my place and stay my peace. But I think I have an even different feeling about it now. That, even if I did dance, then so what? Would it even matter?

I thought to myself, there's a really good chance that all -- or at least most -- of the best social dance experiences in my life are already behind me. I'm not old or disillusioned enough to think the same way about the best days of my life, but it got me thinking, a bit, about things. People come and go, we make a difference and then are forgotten, our pets grow with us and then pass away. There are scant few things in my life that I feel like they really, truly matter. I can't seem to decide whether that is liberating or just disheartening.