Forgiveness

The first thing I want to let you know is that you don't need to change in order to be happy.  You don't need to do anything differently than what you already are doing.  You don't need to become a better person, improve, go outside of your comfort zone, learn new things, or accomplish greatness.  I want you to know that "stagnation" can mean peace and tranquility.  You can always do something new, but know that every time you do so, you are giving up something in return.  It's OK to choose to remain the same.

The second thing I am less sure of, but I'll still say it anyways.  You can make mistakes.  It's very hard to change your way of thinking in the middle of a situation.  Oftentimes, when we are confronted with unfamiliarity, we freeze up and make a choice that we may not have made if we had been in a better mindset.  That's OK.  As long as you realized afterwards that there was a better way to do things, that is enough.  Enough to forgive yourself.

I'm learning more about this.  I think I learned...that it's "not enough".  Realizing afterwards is not enough to be able to forgive myself.

Because forgiving myself is a separate thing.  Feeling regret, feeling remorse, and learning, is one thing, but forgiveness is another.  I think I realized, also,  that it's not just a "step".  It's not as simple as saying "I forgive".  It is a process.

Maybe that is why it feels so impossible to do in the moment.  Because oftentimes, maybe it is.  Forgiveness is not something that comes in the moment.  It is something that comes over time.  Sometimes, a short time.  Sometimes, a longer time.

Just how much forgiveness have I been working on?  How much forgiveness have I forgotten about?  I feel like I've often thought about practicing forgiveness on other people.  But it's different, isn't it?  Both take practice.

I made a big mistake today (don't worry, it's probably not what you think it is).  Just a plain old accident.  Have I forgiven myself for that?  Hm....maybe.  Yeah, maybe.  I still feel bad about it, but mostly I just feel exhausted.  Yeah, maybe I can forgive myself.  What about everything else, though?

I've thought in the past half year about love languages as they may apply to self-love.  But what about apology languages...?  Do I...need to apologize to myself before I am able to forgive myself?

I hadn't checked in a while, but it seems that my primary apology language is...requesting forgiveness... 

Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to rejection. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed.

Would I ask?  Would I forgive?  I guess, the only way to know, is to try.

I'm up to 1,000 posts now here, on Blogspot.  That's in addition to the 3,780 that I have that were ported over from Xanga to Wordpress.  It's been so many years, so much writing.

I don't do it super often, but it's always nice, having these thoughts to look idly back on.  I was just browsing some of the things from last year, as I'm apt to do -- just pick the same month, and trace back the years, perusing my thoughts over time.  I usually don't bring them forward and reflect on them in such a concrete way, but I felt like doing so today for some reason.

 

How does Sayuri make friends?  It's something I never really thought about before.  When I was first drawing those little doodles for "Sayuri no Melody", she did have a bunch of friends, as I did in my life, too, but when I stop to really consider it, maybe Sayuri doesn't really have many friends, actually.  I always see her alone, after all.  Only a few times, in my memory, have I really remembered seeing her together with a close friend.  Maybe Kiki, maybe Meowmie too.  But not very often.  Maybe that's okay.

I don't know if that's okay, though.  As I've grown older, I realize that both Sayuri, and myself, both need friends.  I'm glad that through Rhythm Quest as a game, Sayuri can have some friends.  She can be with Ducky, she can be with Princess.  She can even run alongside the girl from Rain.  And she is happier this way, I think.  The avatar of Sayuri together with Ducky...that was one of the first times when she was really smiling.  It =is= important, I discovered.

 

I've been having talks with different people, too, sometimes about a fear of being "unable to contribute".  Unable to "carry weight".

You =are= contributing, though.  My friend, if only you knew, the meaning you bring to others' lives.  And at the same time...the sadness that you feel is not unwarranted, either.  Because even if you do bring value, you feel like you don't.  And that, in itself, is something that's worth tears.

 

But what if it =is= my fault?  That we can't go back to the way things were.

I made so many mistakes along the way.  Can they never be undone?

I know, now.  That it's not my fault.  It's not anyone's fault.  But feel that regret, and drink up.  We can only truly forgive ourselves once we have reached the true depths of our guilt.  Once all of our tears have been spent.  And it is our own forgiveness that truly allows us to move forward.

 

The first thing I want to let you know is that you don't need to change in order to be happy.  You don't need to do anything differently than what you already are doing.  You don't need to become a better person, improve, go outside of your comfort zone, learn new things, or accomplish greatness.  I want you to know that "stagnation" can mean peace and tranquility.  You can always do something new, but know that every time you do so, you are giving up something in return.  It's OK to choose to remain the same.

The second thing I am less sure of, but I'll still say it anyways.  You can make mistakes.  It's very hard to change your way of thinking in the middle of a situation.  Oftentimes, when we are confronted with unfamiliarity, we freeze up and make a choice that we may not have made if we had been in a better mindset.  That's OK.  As long as you realized afterwards that there was a better way to do things, that is enough.  Enough to forgive yourself.

I'll try.  I'll try, friend.  To forgive.  And to love.

It's not reasonable to expect someone to love you unconditionally, all the time, all of the parts of you.

What, then, about yourself?

Perhaps it's okay, too, to not love everything about yourself.

As long as you still care, and have the strength to forgive.

There will be a next time, and a time after that, too.

When will I be "enough"?

Is it at the same time, that the world will be "enough"?

(Wrote this one earlier but didn't have a chance to post it...)

 

In our darkest days we see once again the feelings that we thought were locked away forever

During our hardest times we understand what it is that we truly need

And for all of it we are powerless, until the time of our salvation, when we are reminded about the worth of a human soul

It makes me wonder when I, too, will be able to have something like that, to know, and to call my own.  When I will be able to have something that has stood the test of time in that way.  It doesn't matter how brilliant you shine, you'll never be able to compare to something that has proven itself over and over again.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself -- there are things in my life, too, after all, which have proven themselves.  But I think it's a little different.

I feel at once humbled, and scared.  What if I'm never able to be like this?  To reach these grand heights that you already have seemed to reach?

Being left behind is never a good feeling, I guess, but there is a difference between simply being abandoned, and feeling like you are too slow and can't catch up.

Will you all expect me to go at your pace?  What happens if I can't?  I had to face that so many times in my past already.  They were all mean to me, when I could not go at their pace.  Am I also mean to others, when they don't go at mine?  And, what of you?

When I am lagging behind, will you still have patience for me?  When you are dawdling, will I still have patience for you?

I tried my best to not stress out too much today I guess?  Just prepare what I needed to for Fanime, and maybe try and get one or two things done otherwise.

Last time around Fanime was quite chill and low-key for me, and I feel that this year will most likely continue that trend.  Not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing, just, you know, each year is its own beast.  I have a couple things planned (going to support some friends), but really not much else other than that.  Part of me wonders whether I'll be able to entertain myself for the entire weekend, but well, for one things, I CAN always just take off and take the day easy if I want to, and for another thing, I think based on what I wrote last year, I'm sure that it will be plenty cool just chilling around and letting things happen organically.  If anything that is what life has been telling me to do this past year anyways ("please abandon and ignore all of your plans and preconceptions, or we'll do it for you"), so there ya go.  Plus, I've got speedcubing to amuse myself with if I ever want to just take a break and sit down and chill somewhere.

Did some drawing today, that was the main productive thing that I tried to do.  Working on an actual bigger piece/canvas this time (400x200, sheesh...), which is always a bit intimidating.  The last time I worked in this size was about two years ago...it's nice to see that I seem to have improved a little bit over that time period (?).

I had thoughts of running some ALTTPR as well, but honestly, between sleeping in a bit, cooking meals, drawing, doing OHC, taking a short nap, and packing up for the weekend, I've found myself basically near the end of the night.  Blogging feels like a good next step, though I should probably finish off with some letter-writing or something; I feel like it's going to be hard for sleep to come naturally to me when I know I've got a bunch of stuff coming up.  I wish I could be less worked up whenever I have events like this happening, but I guess it's in my nature to just not really be able to relax super well when I know that I have something I need to take care of at a certain time.  One of the reasons I always worked best late at night...

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I wish that we could all feel safe and loved.  Not just me, but all of us.  That when we are loved, we can feel it fully, and embrace the feeling.  Of course, there will always be fears, risks, and doubts.  One would be foolish, perhaps, to ignore them completely.  But they should not define our relationships.

On the other hand, when one who does doubt, who does fear, who does worry that everything might be a lie, that things might vanish at any second, and that they are constantly at risk of "not being good enough"...when one who feels all these things, can finally feel safe, it can also be a life-altering experience.  When someone neither takes our fear away, nor invalidates it, but simply sits with us and holds us until we understand that we are safe, even if there ARE monsters under the bed.

There is also something to be said, of course, about resilience.  The ability to survive discomfort, the ability to sit with our own emotions even when they are uncomfortable, because sometimes (often) that is the best choice, and sometimes (often) that is also the only choice.  What builds our resilience?  Is it experience?  Hardship?  Patience?  Is it secure attachment?  Meaning?

Perhaps resilience is the thing that allows us to take all of the feelings of "everything is wrong" and hold them close to us, even as they writhe and spit in our faces.  In order to get through the storm, to our next harbor.  Because inevitably, there always is one; you just can't ever see it when you are in the middle of the storm.

I guess, it really helps, when you have someone to be with you, in the storm.  In Journey, this is, oddly enough, not quite the case.  That is not to say that companionship in the "death march" is irrelevant.  If anything, it is quite meaningful.  Losing the ability even to communicate normally to your companion, worrying that you might get separated from them, worrying about whether you both will really make it through.  Worrying about whether you made a mistake, whether you both made a mistake, whether it was =your fault= that you are both in this terrible situation.

But whether you have a companion or not, the death march still takes the same amount of time.  Your scarf may glow faintly thanks to their presence, but it will not make your travel any less difficult.  Unlike in any of the previous levels, your companion's call and presence will not actually help your movement.

Perhaps this is saying something about how in our deepest trials and tribulations, oftentimes our companions =can't= actually help us in a concrete way.  We are lost in the storm, with our strength fading, and no end in sight.  Of course, it is the vision of the ancestors watching over us all that gives us the strength to carry forward and onward.  But our companion is merely there as a kindred spirit.  Perhaps they give us a reason to fight.  Perhaps they remind us of everything that life has had to offer, and might still have to offer.  Perhaps they simply help us feel less alone.  But "only" that, and no more.

"People don't understand the word ruthless. They think it means 'mean.' It's not about being mean. It's about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It's about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution. Not caring about anything else but the perfection of it."

That's what Marco said.  I don't know if it's always a bright line, though.  And I don't know if seeing the truth is always beautiful.  It doesn't really matter if it's "perfect" or not.

Sometimes, in some moments of clarity, I feel like I can see the "truth".  I don't know, though, if it really is, or if I'm just narrowing down my point of view until I can only see clearly what I wanted to see all along.  Maybe I'm just deluding myself into a state of narrow-mindedness.

But maybe it is like Marco said.  Putting aside what you think should be right, putting aside what anybody thinks should be right.  And just seeing things for what they are.  Motive.  Means.  Beginning.  End.

Haha, I wonder if this is what is meant by the idea of introverted intuition.  Ah, but perhaps it is closer to extraverted thinking.

Either way, I wonder sometimes, about it.  Since we are on the subject of MBTI cognitive functions, maybe it is a matter of my extraverted feeling shutting down, and letting everything else take over.

That need to be on the same page as others.  The need to see things from other people's perspectives.  ...Maybe, sometimes, ignoring those things is necessary in order to see the bright clear line.  It doesn't mean that we need to follow that line.  Just, sometimes, that it can be good to see it.

And.  At the same time.  That extraverted feeling (or whatever else you want to call it) can come back.  Should come back.  Because love is necessary.  Love is essential.  We must love in order to forgive others, as we must love to forgive ourselves.  To understand others for their flaws, as we understand us for our own.

We must find the strength to protect our own softness.  And even while we are guarding our own hearts with our shouldered shields, we must at the same time shoot back not arrows, but flowers.

Sometimes when the bright, clear line runs us through in our hearts, we must realize it is only because we happened to be standing in just the most unfortunate spot, in the middle of the path between A and B.  And if we were only to step aside by two feet, we would see that the barbed arrow that we thought was pointed at our heart was was never meant for us at all.  It is so much easier to see, when you are not in the middle of the path.  It is so much easier to see, when you have not felt like you have been struck down.  It is so much easier to see, when you are able to forgive.

It's hard sometimes, waking up.  But not as hard as it was, once upon a time!  I can't tell, though.  Whether I want the days to pass more quickly, or slowly, or even if I'd like things to just stop in time altogether.  I guess I usually just want everything to go back to how it once was before, but even that, is not something I can fall back to, it feels like.  What a scary feeling!  Not being able to just turn back to where you once came from.

I find myself growing more and more enthusiastic about trying new things, meeting new people, and allowing myself to enjoy life. There are such gems present in each day, and one can find them only if one begins to love. One must love herself, love her new place in the world, and the new people she meets. Only then can she find happiness...

I wonder, though, if this is simply Kiki's path in life, riding on her star.  Should I really be here, with my wand in hand?

If she were here...I guess she would encourage me.  To love, everyone, including myself.  Would that include her, as well?

iiiiiiitttt'ss a bit of a self-care week for me, so I guess that means I'm here blogging more often than usual.

I gave up on "round 1" of sleep, hopefully round 2 can go a bit better.

Life =almost= decided that it would be slamming the brakes on me for a bit, but it looks like maybe that won't end up being the case after all.

You know when your mind makes up terrible scenarios or interactions for you?  The kind where your friends get into a huge argument with you, or your parents say something ridiculous that makes you really pissed off.  It's not necessarily something that you think will happen, nor is it even something that you're afraid of per se, but of course it's not random at all.  I think it still gives us insight into the emotions that we're feeling, whether it be frustration, guilt, or any other number of things.  When we are feeling like we're being taken advantage of, perhaps we might imagine someone taking that to the extreme.  Or it might go the other way, too -- when we are feeling like we are being taken for granted, maybe we might imagine someone finally noticing us.

This time the "villain" in my scenario was not whom it seemed at first, but really, rather, life itself.  Of course, there was an inciting action, but the overall story that my mind came up with was one where I gave up on hope.  What would it mean, to be shown the raw futility of life, to come face to face with the fact that you have nothing, because none of us really do in the end.  Those so-called "beliefs" that you held can be taken away in an instant.  And despite that you still survived.  What, then?  Would I feel bitterness?  Sadness?  Emptiness?  What would it mean for me if life simply said "no"?

I've understood for a while now that I don't necessarily relate to a lot of Homura's character in the Madoka series.  But perhaps there is some resonance there, in the moment in which Homura realizes the futility of fighting for the dream that she holds.  That every time she tries, it really just makes things worse.  Perhaps that was life's way of telling her, "no".

In Journey, there is a scene with a similar heaviness of heart.  Of struggling so hard, across the cold snow.  And yet, no matter how hard you tried, you could not make it to where you needed to go.  You tried everything, but in the end you fell.

What do we do, after life has seemingly taken everything away from us?

In Journey, you see a vision of the ancestors, who surround and witness you.  They stand as witness to your fall.  And as you are brought back in strength, you could view it as saying one of a number of things.  Perhaps, it's simply a "spirit bomb" type deus ex machina, where they simply give you the magical energy you need.  But of course, that's a really unsatisfying interpretation of things.  The reality is that it feels more like they are paying heed to what you tried so hard to do.  And they are bringing you up in that moment of despair.  After all, it's not like the ancestors helped you in this way from the very beginning.  Yes, they told you of the path forward, but they did not simply magically give you the power to fly there.  Not until after you traveled so far, that you gave out.

(It's worth noting that in the "special bugged Journey edition" that one playtester claims to have played, the ancestors never appear at all.  After your fall, the screen simply fades to white and remains that way forever...)

In Homura's case, Madoka herself is the one who rescues her from this moment of despair.  "I believe it's because you've protected me for so long and placed so much hope on me that I'm the person I am now. [...] I promise that what you've done for me will not be in vain."  There is, again, a sort of validation of effort.  That despite everything, all of the things you did, DID matter in the end, even though you failed.

In the Animorphs series, too, there is a "fall" that takes place near the end of the series.  Curiously, here, too, there is also a god-like figure who appears.  Not to change the outcome of things, as Madoka and the ancestors did, but to mark and bear witness to the sacrifice that took place.  To say, "yes, you mattered."

If life simply said "no", to me, would I have mattered?  What would I be left with, if all the things that I knew went away?  It's hard, so hard, to believe in yourself.  Perhaps that is why people believe in God.  That there is a presence outside ourself, who =will= see what we tried to do.  And who will lay us to rest.

And if I truly did matter, then what, then?  Would that be enough?  Would I be taken to the promised land, as in Journey?  Or would I simply continue fighting, as Homura did?  Or would it simply be the end?

My imagined scenario didn't reach that point, though.  It only reached a point where I was taken home by people who loved me.  People who felt sad for me.  Perhaps, those people, are my version of the "ancestors".  But I don't believe they would magically revive me.  They would simply be with me.

And maybe -- like it once happened to me -- maybe, in the end, that would be enough.

Drifting No More

And there I stood, with tears in my eyes
thinking about everyone else who had drifted past

Until you gently took my hand
and pointed the way forward

But I can't leave, I said to you
This is my home.

What makes it your home?
And why did you decide to stay here?

This is the place that I have always been.
It's where everything important to me is.

But even as I said it, I already knew
that it was a lie.

Without meaning to, I had also drifted away
You, too, must have known this.

Come forward with me,
And you won't be lost anymore

But I won't know anything there
No one who cares about me will be there

That's not true, you said
with a quiet smile

At least one person will.

Things Change

I often think back to those times during high school when blogging was a daily habitual practice for me.  A routine of processing and mind-dumping everything and anything that I thought about.  I've thought, many times, about the differences between now and then, and why I no longer am doing that.  Whether it's "good" or "bad" (of course, neither), this difference.

In one way, it's part of growing up.  Often as we get older, our thoughts feel less novel, to ourselves.  Our brains are incredible at ignoring redundant information -- even to the point where we can develop cognitive blind spots because our mind threw out that information along with a whole bucketload of other things that it deemed to be irrelevant.  Seemingly "grand revelations" about life, or perhaps, the way that we live our own lives, might lose their noteworthiness in the end.

But perhaps a bigger reason is simply having more varied outlets for my thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes you blog or write something in a diary because it feels therapeutic or good to get things off of your chest, or simply to process them by getting them down on proverbial paper, but if you already did that by talking to a close friend, maybe that isn't an unfulfilled need anymore.  It doesn't always have to be an external dialogue either, perhaps you simply managed to reach a fulfilling end to your train of thought in your own head.

Of course, blogging and sharing habits are a personal thing, much like taking and/or sharing photos.  We all have our own different reasons and pursuits, and our practices stem from these.  Sometimes, our practices even stem from habits that no longer "make sense" for us, but still somehow seem to stick around anyways.

If I knew that 5 years from now I would have stopped blogging entirely, what would I think about that?  Would I be disappointed because it would mean that I would have changed?  Or would I be proud that I had discovered so much more in life that this was no longer a practice that I needed for myself?  Perhaps I would simply be surprised.  When you live life under the guise of trying to avoid change, you yourself can take some things for granted...it can feel like a given that some things would just keep going forever, because they've already been going for so long.  That "sense of security" drawn from accumulated past experience is something that I think I tend to lean on so heavily.  That if I managed to keep something the same for this long, then surely I can still keep managing to keep it the same from here on out, too, right?  But maybe that is just "copium", as I think the kids call it nowadays.  Simply another way of convincing ourselves that everything is okay despite our fear of the unknown, of uncertainty, of change, and of loss.

Big Dance 2024, Viennese Ball 2024, etc etc

"When we dance, we are all follows, if you think about it.  Just interpreting what we think is best based on what the music gives to us" <- random thought fragment that I had lying around as a draft.

It's not really that I haven't had anything to write about, more that I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to say.

I guess we can start with Big Dance 2024, I might as well keep the continuity going and at the very least link to last year's post so I can follow the chain more easily.  Heck, I may as well stick a snippet about Viennese Ball 2024 (last year's long and significant post on that), since I never really wrote about that in detail.

On Viennese Ball, I did write a little bit about it in passing, mostly about how my expectations and plans for the event were wrecked from the get-go as I discovered I needed to drive back home and then to the event again -- this after having driven across the bay for hours due to needing to chauffeur somebody from the the south bay (definitely not on my way at all).  It was a terrible amount of driving, kinda stressful, but honestly, not too stressful at the same time.  I kept on laughing to myself inside about how at least it wasn't as bad as I had it in Japan.

Anyways, I don't think I care to recount exactly how that night went, I think it mattered in a way, but also didn't matter in a way.  I could write some grand treatise on how I need to be more open-minded, and about how there is still value in doing things that I've already written off, or how sometimes people can just really surprise you, but at the end of it all, it was just another year.

Big Dance 2024, you could argue by the same token, was no different.  Looking at last year's post, I guess I had quite a nice time at Big Dance 2023.  I think my experience this year was a little more subdued.  Still positive, overall, but much more subdued.  But there wasn't really anything wrong with that.  I mean, sure.  The dance floor was too crowded and there was just too much, too many people for me to feel like butting my way into that social space.  But that was fine, I just found some quiet time, thought about some things, did some speedcubing here and there.  I'm proud to report that I did not have any foot cramps this big dance (hah!), probably thanks to making sure to properly stretch and hydrate / etc.

Big Dance alternatively filled me with feelings that I DO want to host a JaSmix event (social dance is cool!  Man, I really miss just being able to play and have people appreciate a truly great social dance even experience!), and feelings that I don't want to after all (do I really care that much / is this the crowd of people that I want to invest a significant amount of time on).  =Perhaps= there is some sort of compromise possible, a mini event or something, but eh, it's also hard for me to imagine myself not wanting to just make sure what I do is the best that it can be.  I really ought to be focusing on other things, I think -- you know, Rhythm Quest and all -- so, we'll see, really.  It HAS been like, a year since I really brought my music out.  But do I really feel the need to spend time on this?

Anyways, at Big Dance I managed to grab a few really nice dances!  I danced with Kiki #2 a few times, that was really nice, and then had some very nice dances with an old-timer as well.  It is quite nice, having some people that you can really count on when you need someone to express and move to a song properly.  It's rare for me to find, but they are out there!

I've been playing follow less and less, I've realized.  Maybe it's fine.  It's a weird feeling.  All of my dance idols are follows, and I always watch them when I am idly thinking about how I would like to improve.  Perhaps there are just less leaders that I feel connected to right now, and that's okay.

 

That's all that I'll write on that, I guess.  In other news, I took this week off from work, mostly ostensibly to work on Rhythm Quest (making up for the week-long work trip that I had earlier in the year).  So far that's been relatively successful!  I have a couple of "higher anxiety" items that have been lingering for Rhythm Quest -- mod.io publishing flow, and trying to finish the rest of the main campaign levels -- so I wanted to try my best to take some strides toward at least one of them if not both.  I've managed to make some notable progress in both aspects, and we've still got a weekend ahead of us as well, so that's gone pretty well so far!

Life-wise, I'm at a really odd sort of crossroads.  Objectively speaking I guess things are better, but at the same time I feel like there are some unsorted aspects that my heart is still trying to figure out how to digest and wrestle with.  It's almost as if you suddenly got the news that you won the lottery or something.  Like yes, sure, it's a good thing, but then you have to figure out how you're supposed to pay taxes on it, or what you're going to do with the money and how to handle it, etc etc etc.  Now, my situation isn't really exactly like that, but there's a similar feeling of like "well, things are better than before, but this also bring about some new things to deal with".

Like I said, I made some progress toward Rhythm Quest, so any time I manage that it's a good thing.  I've been a little less excited about some of my hobbies in general lately though -- I guess I've been taking a short break from ALTTPR, for instance.  I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's something I'm noticing, that right now I don't seem to have that "thing that excites me every day".  I'm assuming it's just a temporary phase.  Hopefully.

I've just been having boring updates for a while, rather than those internal life reflections and vaguely-worded wistful posts that I tend to have sometimes.  Sometimes I wonder which are more or less interesting to read.  On the one hand, the boring update posts are more grounded in reality, it's more obvious what I'm talking about.  But on the other hand, a lot of it is probably stuff that isn't as important.  Well, it's no matter.  Here we are, anyways.

Sometimes I get caught in a weird, formless, timeless space-between-days.  Here I am, staying up late, not so much because I want to (surprisingly), but because I can, and maybe even, because I should.  Shifting my sleep schedule backward for Big Dance, I think about all the things I could be doing, but am not.  Working more on Rhythm Quest.  Playing some more ALTTPR.  Continuing on my letter.

But it's not always the worst thing, to "do nothing of value".  Sometimes these liminal times can have some sort of value, too.  I played through some of our old games that we made together -- Bath Time, and Birdie Burglars.  I read through what people thought about A Day in the Life of Death.  I was a little sad that the comments on our older Ludum Dare games have been lost to time, but not extremely sad (edit: looks like they are still on archive.org).  I was a little more sad when I opened up Melody Muncher, one of my old flash games, and found that some of the backgrounds were missing.  Really not sure what happened there; if it was my fault and I just goofed on an update, or if it's just something about the old flash player version that I use locally, or what.  Well, that's definitely beyond my willingness to fix at this point, as getting any of the old Haxe/HaxePunk games to build and compile is a nightmare.

It's been an interesting and odd set of days.  I'd hesitate to say I'm "off-balance", more just that things aren't quite normal.  The weather seems to be starting to play into that as well, as I've found that the evenings and nights are warming up a lot more than just a month or two ago, especially when Kaya wants to cuddle up under the covers with me.  I find that I'm able to tap a little less into that peaceful cozy tranquility where I'm just working on my letter or project or whatever-it-is, with some nice lighting and a cup of tea.  It's not the worst, but I'm beginning to feel a longing to return to that.

Well, I'm taking this next week off of work, so we'll see about that.  But before that I'll be heading to Big Dance 2024, my 9th one!  It's weird, there's always this strange inclination when I go to these annual events like Big Dance, VBall, or Fanime, to have some sort of "plan" of making the most of it, until I realize that that's totally unnecessary.  Heck, my "plans" for VBall this year were totally destroyed from the get-go anyways, so that just goes to show you.

After a week or two with my Cycle7 (f-row-less keyboard), I've learned that I can, indeed, survive without an f-row!  It's possible!  I was beginning to really think that I've gotten accustomed to the clackier sound signature that I have set up on my Cycle7, but decided to jump back to my Neo80 (full TKL, wireless) today, which is currently set up with a bunch more foams, and some deeper-sounding switches.  And I like this, too!  Well, I guess if nothing, being undecided about which one I like better, means, that I didn't really waste my money buying both of these boards, haha.  The pink cerakey keycaps (with white legends) are back in stock now though, so I finally will be able to put together a full set of those.  Should be interesting to see how they feel and sound!

Speedcubing-wise, I seem to really have gotten back into the groove of solving.  I still don't know most of the dot OLL cases, and some of my OLL algs need a lot more reps before I can feel confident with them, and PLL recognition can be tricky (not used to this whole AUF thing...), and F2L can be more efficient, and my cross sucks....wait, okay, that's basically everything in a solve, lol.  But no, really, I'm getting brief spurts of consistent sub-20 solves, especially when I'm taking the time to look ahead.  It's weird watching videos of other people solving...I guess due to the nature of being so old-school, my turn speed is slower and I lean more on lookahead in F2L, so it's weird to see people rely more on just executing F2L cases very quickly and then pausing frequently (something that really doesn't work for me at all).

I...have admittedly, been strangely impressed by my "knowledge of self" recently.  Knowing who I am, what I'm willing to be, and what I would like for myself.  Just the other day I was driving somewhere alone, and I was practicing a little bit of my "other voice" along the way, as a mental exercise for feeling like I am exuding a different sort of character than I might otherwise.  I think it really helped put me in a good mindset.  Reminded me that I can be beautiful, not just in my appearance, but in my nature, too.  As long as I remember about it.

I've been having a few more of those marching band dreams lately =/  I don't know why they have been cropping up now, I feel like it's more often...I don't remember having had them for a while.  I don't know why.  I hope that my dream self can remember what is important, and what can keep me happy.  That I don't need to put myself through any of that.  That I don't need to put up for it anymore.  I have that privilege.

I thought about things, recently, and I also have been thinking that I don't need to put up with managing a Discord for my game, either.  It's something I have been mulling over for a while, how exactly I wanted to handle it moving forward.  Whether it's good for me to start searching for moderators, or even a community manager, to handle things.  And it was only a couple days ago that I realized that the answer is I shouldn't handle any of that, simply because I don't want to, and of course because I don't have to.  It was a good conclusion for me to come to, and informs me of what I'll end up doing in the future, as I move (slowly) ever closer to releasing my game.

Now, the question of whether I'll run a Jasmix event this year...that's probably a little bit more in contention.  Just like the Discord thing, it's something that I'll just think about, and eventually end up at a conclusion about.

As much as I wish I could
reach out into the past
and tell you that I still love you

I also wish
that you could reach out into the past
and tell me that I am loved
that I will be loved

And not just by you
but also, someday
by me