I'm up to 1,000 posts now here, on Blogspot.  That's in addition to the 3,780 that I have that were ported over from Xanga to Wordpress.  It's been so many years, so much writing.

I don't do it super often, but it's always nice, having these thoughts to look idly back on.  I was just browsing some of the things from last year, as I'm apt to do -- just pick the same month, and trace back the years, perusing my thoughts over time.  I usually don't bring them forward and reflect on them in such a concrete way, but I felt like doing so today for some reason.

 

How does Sayuri make friends?  It's something I never really thought about before.  When I was first drawing those little doodles for "Sayuri no Melody", she did have a bunch of friends, as I did in my life, too, but when I stop to really consider it, maybe Sayuri doesn't really have many friends, actually.  I always see her alone, after all.  Only a few times, in my memory, have I really remembered seeing her together with a close friend.  Maybe Kiki, maybe Meowmie too.  But not very often.  Maybe that's okay.

I don't know if that's okay, though.  As I've grown older, I realize that both Sayuri, and myself, both need friends.  I'm glad that through Rhythm Quest as a game, Sayuri can have some friends.  She can be with Ducky, she can be with Princess.  She can even run alongside the girl from Rain.  And she is happier this way, I think.  The avatar of Sayuri together with Ducky...that was one of the first times when she was really smiling.  It =is= important, I discovered.

 

I've been having talks with different people, too, sometimes about a fear of being "unable to contribute".  Unable to "carry weight".

You =are= contributing, though.  My friend, if only you knew, the meaning you bring to others' lives.  And at the same time...the sadness that you feel is not unwarranted, either.  Because even if you do bring value, you feel like you don't.  And that, in itself, is something that's worth tears.

 

But what if it =is= my fault?  That we can't go back to the way things were.

I made so many mistakes along the way.  Can they never be undone?

I know, now.  That it's not my fault.  It's not anyone's fault.  But feel that regret, and drink up.  We can only truly forgive ourselves once we have reached the true depths of our guilt.  Once all of our tears have been spent.  And it is our own forgiveness that truly allows us to move forward.

 

The first thing I want to let you know is that you don't need to change in order to be happy.  You don't need to do anything differently than what you already are doing.  You don't need to become a better person, improve, go outside of your comfort zone, learn new things, or accomplish greatness.  I want you to know that "stagnation" can mean peace and tranquility.  You can always do something new, but know that every time you do so, you are giving up something in return.  It's OK to choose to remain the same.

The second thing I am less sure of, but I'll still say it anyways.  You can make mistakes.  It's very hard to change your way of thinking in the middle of a situation.  Oftentimes, when we are confronted with unfamiliarity, we freeze up and make a choice that we may not have made if we had been in a better mindset.  That's OK.  As long as you realized afterwards that there was a better way to do things, that is enough.  Enough to forgive yourself.

I'll try.  I'll try, friend.  To forgive.  And to love.