Forgiveness

The first thing I want to let you know is that you don't need to change in order to be happy.  You don't need to do anything differently than what you already are doing.  You don't need to become a better person, improve, go outside of your comfort zone, learn new things, or accomplish greatness.  I want you to know that "stagnation" can mean peace and tranquility.  You can always do something new, but know that every time you do so, you are giving up something in return.  It's OK to choose to remain the same.

The second thing I am less sure of, but I'll still say it anyways.  You can make mistakes.  It's very hard to change your way of thinking in the middle of a situation.  Oftentimes, when we are confronted with unfamiliarity, we freeze up and make a choice that we may not have made if we had been in a better mindset.  That's OK.  As long as you realized afterwards that there was a better way to do things, that is enough.  Enough to forgive yourself.

I'm learning more about this.  I think I learned...that it's "not enough".  Realizing afterwards is not enough to be able to forgive myself.

Because forgiving myself is a separate thing.  Feeling regret, feeling remorse, and learning, is one thing, but forgiveness is another.  I think I realized, also,  that it's not just a "step".  It's not as simple as saying "I forgive".  It is a process.

Maybe that is why it feels so impossible to do in the moment.  Because oftentimes, maybe it is.  Forgiveness is not something that comes in the moment.  It is something that comes over time.  Sometimes, a short time.  Sometimes, a longer time.

Just how much forgiveness have I been working on?  How much forgiveness have I forgotten about?  I feel like I've often thought about practicing forgiveness on other people.  But it's different, isn't it?  Both take practice.

I made a big mistake today (don't worry, it's probably not what you think it is).  Just a plain old accident.  Have I forgiven myself for that?  Hm....maybe.  Yeah, maybe.  I still feel bad about it, but mostly I just feel exhausted.  Yeah, maybe I can forgive myself.  What about everything else, though?

I've thought in the past half year about love languages as they may apply to self-love.  But what about apology languages...?  Do I...need to apologize to myself before I am able to forgive myself?

I hadn't checked in a while, but it seems that my primary apology language is...requesting forgiveness... 

Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to rejection. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed.

Would I ask?  Would I forgive?  I guess, the only way to know, is to try.