I tried my best to not stress out too much today I guess?  Just prepare what I needed to for Fanime, and maybe try and get one or two things done otherwise.

Last time around Fanime was quite chill and low-key for me, and I feel that this year will most likely continue that trend.  Not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing, just, you know, each year is its own beast.  I have a couple things planned (going to support some friends), but really not much else other than that.  Part of me wonders whether I'll be able to entertain myself for the entire weekend, but well, for one things, I CAN always just take off and take the day easy if I want to, and for another thing, I think based on what I wrote last year, I'm sure that it will be plenty cool just chilling around and letting things happen organically.  If anything that is what life has been telling me to do this past year anyways ("please abandon and ignore all of your plans and preconceptions, or we'll do it for you"), so there ya go.  Plus, I've got speedcubing to amuse myself with if I ever want to just take a break and sit down and chill somewhere.

Did some drawing today, that was the main productive thing that I tried to do.  Working on an actual bigger piece/canvas this time (400x200, sheesh...), which is always a bit intimidating.  The last time I worked in this size was about two years ago...it's nice to see that I seem to have improved a little bit over that time period (?).

I had thoughts of running some ALTTPR as well, but honestly, between sleeping in a bit, cooking meals, drawing, doing OHC, taking a short nap, and packing up for the weekend, I've found myself basically near the end of the night.  Blogging feels like a good next step, though I should probably finish off with some letter-writing or something; I feel like it's going to be hard for sleep to come naturally to me when I know I've got a bunch of stuff coming up.  I wish I could be less worked up whenever I have events like this happening, but I guess it's in my nature to just not really be able to relax super well when I know that I have something I need to take care of at a certain time.  One of the reasons I always worked best late at night...

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I wish that we could all feel safe and loved.  Not just me, but all of us.  That when we are loved, we can feel it fully, and embrace the feeling.  Of course, there will always be fears, risks, and doubts.  One would be foolish, perhaps, to ignore them completely.  But they should not define our relationships.

On the other hand, when one who does doubt, who does fear, who does worry that everything might be a lie, that things might vanish at any second, and that they are constantly at risk of "not being good enough"...when one who feels all these things, can finally feel safe, it can also be a life-altering experience.  When someone neither takes our fear away, nor invalidates it, but simply sits with us and holds us until we understand that we are safe, even if there ARE monsters under the bed.

There is also something to be said, of course, about resilience.  The ability to survive discomfort, the ability to sit with our own emotions even when they are uncomfortable, because sometimes (often) that is the best choice, and sometimes (often) that is also the only choice.  What builds our resilience?  Is it experience?  Hardship?  Patience?  Is it secure attachment?  Meaning?

Perhaps resilience is the thing that allows us to take all of the feelings of "everything is wrong" and hold them close to us, even as they writhe and spit in our faces.  In order to get through the storm, to our next harbor.  Because inevitably, there always is one; you just can't ever see it when you are in the middle of the storm.

I guess, it really helps, when you have someone to be with you, in the storm.  In Journey, this is, oddly enough, not quite the case.  That is not to say that companionship in the "death march" is irrelevant.  If anything, it is quite meaningful.  Losing the ability even to communicate normally to your companion, worrying that you might get separated from them, worrying about whether you both will really make it through.  Worrying about whether you made a mistake, whether you both made a mistake, whether it was =your fault= that you are both in this terrible situation.

But whether you have a companion or not, the death march still takes the same amount of time.  Your scarf may glow faintly thanks to their presence, but it will not make your travel any less difficult.  Unlike in any of the previous levels, your companion's call and presence will not actually help your movement.

Perhaps this is saying something about how in our deepest trials and tribulations, oftentimes our companions =can't= actually help us in a concrete way.  We are lost in the storm, with our strength fading, and no end in sight.  Of course, it is the vision of the ancestors watching over us all that gives us the strength to carry forward and onward.  But our companion is merely there as a kindred spirit.  Perhaps they give us a reason to fight.  Perhaps they remind us of everything that life has had to offer, and might still have to offer.  Perhaps they simply help us feel less alone.  But "only" that, and no more.