As I stare into the face of the next chapter of my life, I'm reminded of...a lot of unpleasant things.  Of loss, of disappointment, of regret, and hopelessness.  I can see now why some people might feel drawn toward the idea of making a clean break from their past.

But of course...

 

So I hang onto my baggage anyways.  I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't, and at the same time, I wouldn't forgive others for letting go either.  Because to many people, I am now "Somebody's Yesterday".

I guess maybe that isn't true anymore, actually.  Maybe I have started to forgive those from my past for forgetting me.  I began to understand that maybe I was really something that was better to be forgotten than remembered.  Perhaps that is why all of those people refuse to answer when I call for them.  Why wouldn't they?

Over 15 years ago I found myself asking what I was doing wrong, and how I would ever become loved, how I would ever dig myself out of the hole that I found myself in.  After living through trauma, joy, loss, happiness, and grief, I find that I've learned more about the nature of people.  I learned that people often don't mean what they say, but also that people are different than me.

I also learned that being loved is like being asleep.  You can't make someone love you, just as you can't make yourself fall asleep.  The best you might do is to go to bed, close your eyes.  Sleep is something that happens to you, not an action that you do.  I think this is where people get the idea to "work on yourself first" in order to be loved.

But that's really not advice that I would want on myself from 15 years ago.  Not at all.  The me from back then had many rough edges, but those rough patches needed care and bandages, not sandpaper.  I needed help, but didn't know how to find it.  I didn't understand.  But because I didn't understand, I also was not hopeless.

Now, however, I can see more clearly.  It has become a little easier for me to understand how people function.  How connections are formed.  Sometimes, that clarity makes my faith waver.

All I would want for myself from 15 years ago is peace.  I don't think they needed any advice in the end, after all.  They just needed safety.  Of course, they also desperately needed care, too.  But in the absence of that, I think safety is what they needed most.  It wasn't until much later on that they would manage to find it.

 

What I wish for myself in the coming future, more than anything....it is, of course, that peace and tranquility.  I'm frightened, but not only of what may come next.  I'm also frightened of all that has come before.  When I think about it too hard, it feels as if both past and future are closing in on me.  My friends who lost their lives.  Me, who lost my place.  I lost my old self, too.  How much longer will it take for me to reach where I once was?  And even if I do, would it even be a good thing?

I have done so much, for so long.  And no one will ever truly know all of my sacrifices.  I'll just be silently waiting.  Waiting...for what?

Just once, I'd like for someone else to be the one taking care of me.  For someone else to be the responsible one.  For someone else to be prepared.  For someone else to anticipate and worry.  I'd like for someone else to be the one cleaning up the mess.  For someone else to follow through.  For someone else to be the one being left on read.  I'd like for someone else to remember.

It's not just my bias, is it?

Just because I wouldn't complain doesn't mean I don't get tired of it.  You really ought to do your best not to complain.  It's not good.

Would you love me if I let you walk all over me?

Would you love me if I never asked for anything anymore? 

Would you love me if I did everything I could?

 

 

Would you love me if I gave my life up for you?

 

 

 

Would you love me if I changed who I was?

Would you love me if I became perfect?

Would you still love me?

If I stopped trying to make you love me?

It's been an interesting time in my life these days, that's for sure.

I had another trip to the East coast, and for some reason I seem to be being followed around by heat, as it ended up being really hot over there, but of course as soon as I leave they have cooler (rainy!) weather and on the flipside over here we get hit by a record-breaking heatwave.  Sigh...

Anyways the trip was nice!  I got to go sailing, cooked and ate a bunch of food (crepes!), picked peaches and blueberries fresh from the orchard, and planned a somewhat-random excursion to Martha's Vineyard to go pet some alpacas, which was fun and strange.

I played through Mega Man Battle Network 3 over the course of the trip (mostly on the flight there, but also while I was relaxing and trying to just stay indoors away from the heat).  Overall it was definitely fun, though for some reason less fun than I expected.  I remember having fonder memories of MMBN2, for some reason, even though MMBN3 seems to be regarded as a better game.  Maybe it's just rose-tinted lens, but I feel like I enjoyed the boss fights in MMBN2 better; the ones in MMBN3 didn't really seem to click with me and I feel like I brute-forced my way through a lot of them.  I also sort of felt like my folder honestly didn't change a ton over the course of the game after a certain point.  Maybe that's partially my fault because I constantly was equipping the SneakRun program (avoid most random encounters), but I certainly don't regret that.  I made full use of fast-forward to make running around / etc faster, and I also had no qualms using save states to do some random stuff (farming money from the 2 gambling games).  I know there's a lot more to do in MMBN3 after the "ending" in terms of post-game content but I realized that I (somewhat to my surprise) didn't actually really feel like tackling it, so I think I'm putting Battle Network to rest for the time being.  It was fun though!

My time has been a bit divided these days and I find myself bouncing back and forth between multiple things.  I think it's not uncommon for me to work that way in general though; I'm slow and steady over the long term but when you zoom in I think I'm more of an air element type or whatever in that I seem to work well when I'm juggling a few different balls at once.

The main thing of course is moving, which has been proceeding slowly and steadily as expected.  My time there is divided between packing and throwing away stuff, bringing more things from the old place to the new, trying to help organize stuff in the new, as well as doing a bit of research for things to buy that I'll need, such as a new desk (I have an old one, but it's not quite the right size for the space, and I could use a new one anyways) + potentially a diy monitor riser, as well as a small little bug catcher gadget since there seems to be a bunch of buggies around (probably doesn't help at all that it's been so hot...).

I've started making short-form ALTTPR content on my YouTube channel, which has been fun and feels useful.  The first one of those took a very long time for me to go over and setup and rehearse, but I've sort of got a framework rolling now so each new video hasn't actually taken a ton of new effort to make, which is good!  In terms of actual rando play, it's slowed down for me of course, but I'm hoping to do another ALTTPR seed soon and then want to dive into grinding SM.  I was watching a bit of a KPDR any% tutorial tonight on a whim and feel like that might not actually be the worst place to start off...

Pokemon Unite got some major content updates, including a new map, which has been a refreshing change.  There's a part of me that feels like I'll always end up missing the meta from when I started playing, back when buddy barrier was OP and zugrug was tearing things up with good old Snorlax.  The new map has a few issues but it's also been nice in other ways, and feels fresh at the very least.

I'll probably be DJing a couple more Dancebreak events in the coming weeks so feel free to come out and say hi if that is your sort of thing.

Rhythm Quest work feels like it's on the backburner for the most part as I move (and get distracted / take it easy / relax) but I threw in a little bit of work on it this week, so that's something, I guess.  Hopefully I can still maintain some sort of stride in it, but at the same time I also find myself being reminded that there's no reason for me to force it if I don't find it enjoyable.  I do enjoy it though, for the most part; I always appreciate steady progress on my goals...

I'm doing ok, I guess.  We'll see what tomorrow has in store for me, and the day after...

You wouldn't understand.  But...at this point, who would?

 

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I've been continuing to stop by and visit the Stanford kids at their Dancebreak events.  Having realized that I'm not so interested in improving my social dance anymore, has been a little freeing.  Even more than before, I feel that even when the voice in my head tells me that I should be dancing more, I can find peace despite it.  But of course, I was always that way.  Unwilling to compromise on my beliefs.

...I've discovered, though, that I've lost a bit of that.  My dancing has become cleaner, more precise, yet at the same time, more crude, more prescriptive.  My technique has improved, but at the cost of my self-expression.  As always, this is a reflection on myself as a person, too.  Just how much of myself have I lost?  And how much can I regain?  I'm not sure, but I have to try.  After all, there are plenty of good dancers out there.  My skill and experience is replaceable at best.  But the temperament that I look up to is not.

Anyways, I'll be DJing next week at Dancebreak, so do come out and stop by, if you'd like.

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I took games 1 and 2 of the finals match for my ALTTPR tournament, meaning somehow at the end of this wild ride I ended up as the champion of the entire thing.  I don't know what else to say except that I was really happy with how I played and it feels extremely validating to have my effort and practice pay off like this, even though I know that things could have very easily turned out differently.

My beliefs and practices in ALTTPR mirror some of the tenets that I hold myself to in dance, as well as simply what I believe in as a person.  It's important to me that you can succeed even as an introvert, that you don't have to "put yourself out there" if you don't want to.  That if you work hard and do the right thing, good things can still happen to you.  That the world doesn't always have to be a place where you need to fight for your next promotion.

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In the meantime, I've been setting up a new macbook, along with trying to deprecate google drive (tired of the desktop client sucking) and migrating back to pCloud.  I haven't really thrown a ton at the macbook yet (need to try getting it to run Rhythm Quest builds...) but things seem okay so far.  There's been the usual slew of customizations with regards to shortcut behavior, key layout, etc. but since this is one of the new arm64 chips, we also get to try out Parallels and run Windows 11 arm through that as opposed to doing the whole Bootcamp thing.  So far I'm pleasantly surprised with how much promise it's been showing, though it's taken a LOT of fiddling around to get everything to work correctly (so many different things trying to configure key layouts and shortcuts...).

Windows 11 itself on the other hand has been a mess to wrangle into shape -- I feel like the last time I had to work this much to get an OS to really behave well was for Windows Vista and even that wasn't really too bad...Windows 11 on the other hand continues with the push toward bunches of "bleh" settings everywhere but also discards a bunch of old useful functionality (forces the taskbar to be like OSX) along with a few puzzling and/or ugly design decisions (the new alt+tab menu is awful and really breaks screen focus).  I have the thing working a whole lot better now, but it's taken a fair amount of hacking around with different things.  Still, though, it seems quite promising.

=====

I've become a better person, but at what cost?

Another Goodbye

I loved her, and she loved me, too.  This time, we were able to meet each other, one last time.

I'm not really sure how to begin.  Actually, I guess that's not true.  I'm going to begin with all of the other stuff, because if I start with the heavy thing then any words after that will just devalue it.

ALTTPR

I won my semifinals match series 2-1 this week in A Link to the Past Randomizer, which means that crazily enough, I'm in the finals of the gold sword (top) bracket.  It's incredible that I've found my way here; it's taken no shortage of hard work, mental fortitude, and good luck.

I took the longest possible path through the bracket to this point -- losing game 1 in all three of my series and then coming back in games 2 and 3 each time.  I've now played a total of 15 races in this tournament so far, with either 2 or 3 more coming up this next week, and at the end of it all, win or lose, I will be thankful to be done and not have to worry about it anymore.  I'm no longer training intensely for these matches, as I've been long past the phase of really drilling new stuff and preparing (though, despite that I seem to pick up and practice one or two things each week), but still, having to physically and mentally prepare myself for each race has been really tiring.  It's been fun, though, and I've been playing pretty well, all things considered.  It's anyone's game here up at the top, so all I can do is keep playing to my ability and just see how the cards land in the end.

New Job

I started a new part-time / contract gig, which will eat into my time every week -- should be nice to be working again, but at the same time of course concerning as this will eat into my time for Rhythm Quest.  I'll have to be diligent about managing my boundaries as such.  Speaking of Rhythm Quest...

Rhythm Quest

I released my public demo of Rhythm Quest and people seem to really enjoy it!  Of course, with a new influx of attention comes a new influx of people alternately giving valid feedback as well as annoying complaints (sometimes one and the same), so I've had to try and curb how much I'm plugged into that.  It's been hard to find time to work on it a ton lately with all of the other stuff going on, but at the same time after releasing the demo I feel like it's ok for me to let go of the gas a bit...

Moving

Will probably be happening next month, if all things go well.  Like everything else in my life, I have been going about packing gradually over time; it's just how I best do things, I guess.

The Goodbye

The nights have been hard sometimes.

I've been bereaved due to a sad loss that I had to go through a couple of days ago.  It doesn't get any easier, this one was harder than the last.  Maybe it is a bit easier to say goodbye having already said goodbye once.  I knew already, that it would never be the same, after that point.  Sometimes I wonder if I should have done more to be with them, to be with her.  But I guess that was not our fate, to be together.  But this time, I was able to see her one last time, at the hospital.  She was calm, though a bit drowsy.  So peaceful, it was almost too good to be true.  I remember the last time I was in a hospital like this, a long time ago.  At that time, you could see that he was suffering, that he was in pain.  I'm sure this time, she had been in pain before, too...a lot.  She must have been suffering.  But at this time, she was able to simply be with us.  To be with me.  And she looked at me, and I looked at her.  I told her that I loved her, that I loved her so much.  I still do.  I had loved her sister, too, but I realized, as I lay on the floor with her, that I loved her even more than that.

It has been really painful for me.  Painful to grieve, and also lonely, thinking about how she was taken away from me, not just once, but twice.  And it reminds me of the existential loneliness of life.  There are so many connections that I would give up in order to have this one back again.  But I cannot.  And just like so many other things that disappeared from my life, this one has too.  Forever.

I don't know if it made any difference, that I was able to see her one last time.  I don't know if she remembered me, if she remembered the song that I sang to her, remembered the song that I played for her.  I don't know if she felt glad, if she felt at peace, if she felt in pain, if she simply felt tired.  Of course, I would like to think that she remembered.  That she looked at me, and she knew that I had come back for her.  That I still loved her, and that she still loved me.

I don't know how differently it would have felt, not being able to see her.  If things had turned out like it did with her sister.  Would I have still had these feelings, that we loved each other?  Would it have hurt just as much?  Less?  More?

All I know right now is the sadness in my heart, and the fear that no one will be able to take it away.  I never would have thought that I would feel this alone without you.  But I do.  And it hurts a lot.

My run in the ALTTPR Go Mode Podcast Mentor Tourney is still going!  I made it through round 1 of the top 16 bracket and am now fighting to stay alive in another game 3 set.

Last week was very stressful, being the first week that I was facing elimination; those extra stakes really caused me to try and put extra effort into prepping myself for the match.  Fortunately I've been able to relax a bit more this week.  I've been feeling pretty good about my play; so as long as I can finish out while keeping that going strong, I'll be happy, regardless of how far I end up making it.

In other news, we placed 29th overall for our Game Maker's Toolkit Game Jam entry!  There are a few finishing touches to put on that, but nothing too big.  That is one of many small items in my work queue, in addition to releasing the Rhythm Quest Demo and getting everything updated on all of the websites and all.

Some exciting changes are across the horizon!  But as always, my eyes are on the path directly in front of me.  You can only do your best to take the next best step, nothing more.

I actually thought I'd have more than this to write, but I guess I don't for now.  That's okay, I should really just be doing some other writing anyways.

I'm doin alright, honest.  Let's see...

ALTTPR has been taking up a big chunk of my life as I practice and try and improve as best as I can -- it seems like some of my fellow mentees have been doing the same.  Nothing like some stakes on the line to encourage you to really grind and put in the work, I guess.  Honestly, after this week (when we move into best of 3 brackets), I may try to cut back on practice time since I'll be playing 2-3 matches a week instead of one.  Yes, I'll feel pressured to perform more than ever, but I want to remember as well that this isn't the most important thing in my life right now, so trying my hardest isn't really something I need to push for.

It's funny how in weeks 1 and 2 my nerves came into play a little more, but here in week 6 was when I realized I needed to think a bit about my mentality and have a chat with my mentor about how my thoughts had been going in directions I didn't like so much -- comparing myself to others, thinking about winning vs losing, that sort of thing.  I came into this tournament with little expectations, but I noticed those expectations creeping in and realized that I needed to take some moments to remind myself that I wanted to evaluate my performance and improvement against my own terms, not against whichever opponent I happen to be paired up against.  Well anyways, I've got my race in 8 hours, so wish me luck on that...

Chickies...I really want them to be safe and happy.  Even when I have to leave for the day I feel bad leaving white chicky alone, even though I know she's happy in her bin for a good portion of the day.  Just want to make sure she's safe and provided for.  I really wonder sometimes, whether they like me.  I know duckies liked me.

I felt a bit of anxiety in recent days -- maybe related to the ALTTPR pressure stuff I mentioned above?  But maybe separate from that.  I felt it in my chest a few times, even at dance -- I remember thinking to myself, oh -- I've always felt some level of discomfort with the social aspect of dancing, but could this be, "social anxiety"?  It was an interesting feeling.

I'll be doing GMTK Game Jam this Friday and Saturday -- hopefully that goes ok!  It's been a while since I've done a 48hr jam.  On the one hand, it's more stressful since you have that much less time than 72 hours for LDJAM.  On the other hand, you're done with it that much faster, so it's probably just less painful in general, which I'm sure I am going to appreciate.  I'll be able to have the day on Sunday to give myself a nice break...

There's been a lot of other stuff to take care of recently as well...everything from doctor's appointments to a smog check, and of course packing and moving...sometimes I wonder if this sort of energy is how everyone else goes through life: constantly without empty space with which to invite others into.  Not replying to everything, not keeping up with everything.  You do less and less for others, have less of a desire for them as well.  Maybe it's just a regional thing.

Don't worry -- I'm just chickyducky.  I miss ducky...

Can't believe I'll never be friends with you all anymore.

You really loved me.