Tuesday, July 2, 2013


It's interesting...I associate this particular smell with Fanime.  I think it's a smell of one of the hotels there.  Fanime, huh...?  This year's Fanime taught me a lot, but...for some reason, I'm not sure exactly what I learned anymore.

People used to tell me that it was hard to write a lot of things in their blogs, hard to post things online, because they'd be afraid of being judged.  That kind of thing.  And people also found it less "free" to write letters than to talk, because writing it down made it permanent and real.  I never used to really get that, and...I think it's because I never really cared in the past.  Who was going to judge me?  And if anyone did, did I care?  No...not really.  I was so much more sure of myself in the past; it didn't matter what anyone thought.  But perhaps that's just because it felt like no one cared about me in the first place.  And if no one cared--really cared--then what the heck did it matter what I said about anything or anybody?  Xanga was a place where I could just say anything, about my parents, about my troubles, about my loneliness, about how people suck, about band, about my love life, anything, and it would all be okay.

It's not like that anymore, I realized.  I wrote things and people...cared.  So now my words have this sort of "weight".  It's really interesting.  And it coincides with this period in my life right now where I'm more unsure of myself than ever.  I have this inkling that there are a bunch of thoughts that are just left unspoken because I'm unsure.  Funny, didn't blogging used to be a respite from that internal barrier of mine?

Ahh, don't worry though.  I don't feel it getting to that point yet.  But there are many things that I feel like I'm just not saying anymore.  Why is that a big deal?  Because change...change is something that I beware, and analyze, and fight back against.  Change is necessary, inevitable, and good too.  But I fight against all of the unwanted changes.  ...which ones are unwanted again...?  I don't even know.

See?  There's this certain tone that's persisted all throughout this blog...it's still here.

In other news, I lost weight, apparently.  Yeah...I know.  Not intentional, I swear...

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