I should write about something I guess...just, anything?

Yesterday I managed to finally do some Rhythm Quest work, long overdue.  This month's output in that regard has been pretty poor, and looks like it'll continue to be that way, unfortunately, but at least I got in one day of work.  That's not nothing.

Today could ostensibly have been another attempt at doing the same, but I got busy with other stuff.  Went to a tea place with the meowmies, that was a nice little outing, if a little bit further than we're comfortable with for an everyday sort of thing.  I might actually be back out there on Friday, have some errands to do in preparation for the weekend...

I started jamming a little bit of Hades (Hades 1) just because they've been playing a bunch.  I didn't really have anything to do so I decided to start trying 32 heat clears with every weapon aspect.  I've done 32 heat clears with every weapon already, but not with every aspect.  I started with Zagreus Sword (the first weapon).....big mistake.  Didn't even make it out of the first area of the game, lol.  I decided to change my strategy and start at the bottom of the list, and that went much better -- I now have clears for both Lucifer Rail (the laserbeam one) and Hestia Rail (the reload empowered shot one).  Next is Eris Rail which is also a really good aspect, so that one shouldn't be too bad at all.  Zagreus Rail will probably be harder.

ALTTPR mentor tournament is inching closer!  I've been trying my best to do prep work here and there for my session, but I'll probably need quite a bit more work to be put into that before I feel ready.  Guess it's sort of going to be a busy couple weeks....ish?  Maybe?

It's like, I mean, my motivation has been pretty low, though, so like....something had to give, right?

I wrote to Kiki again, for this year.  Writing that felt like it really solidified me returning back to what is supposed to be my normal self again.  Yeah, I'm still changed, as I always will be, but at least I'm back in my own skin.  I know how things are supposed to be.  What I'm supposed to be doing.  How I'm supposed to be trying to feel.

I dunno.  Yeah, I guess there are things to look forward to.  I should make sure to take care of myself and not put too much burden on my own shoulders.  Even with cooking, I think it's easy for me to just assume that I'm capable and excited to do the same amount that I'd always do when I'm healthy.  But I should temper my expectations a little bit and take it a little bit easy.  God forbid, maybe even ask for a little bit of help every now and then.

Happiness, though....now that's a tough one.  I think happiness is going to have to take a backseat for now.  Right now, I think the primary goal is peace and comfort.  To feel like things are okay.  I know that part, at least, is within my grasp.  If I just remember, to drink my tea.  To take those breaths.  To get done what I need to, and no more or less.

I don't know, like...........I guess I'm an alright person.

Anyways, today is time to do a bit of writing

"Beloved"

Summer sun shines as the seasons change, swiftly
A world changed by time, scarred by the past of you
Will my beloved Winter come back to me again someday?

 

(originally written August 2015.  Yeah, I guess I just recycle old content now, get used to it.)

I'm almost there.

I'm almost

home

again

It's me again.  Are you getting used to this relationship?  I wonder if it's any different than what you already do -- connecting with the you of last year.  It...probably really isn't any different, is it?  Probably isn't anything new.  But that's okay.  New isn't always good, right?  Far from it.

"Recently life has been suggesting to me to live in the moment.  To embrace the beginning, middle, and end of all things equally.  But I'm not sure.

Something I confirmed during my Journey today is that when you leave the lantern room, the lantern goes out.  Forever.  Even if you walk back to the room, the lantern will never turn on again.  The peaceful music won't come back.  The light is simply gone out forever.  Extinguished, by the fact that you left.  That made me sad to think about.

Would it be wrong?  To simply stay in the lantern room.  Of course, there is not that much to do in that room.  Maybe it's obvious that you should move on at some point.  But I'm beginning to wonder whether I enjoy the peace of the lantern room more than the free and open air of paradise.  Which one is more important to me?  Is it worth giving up what I have now, in order to start over and continue to experience new things?"

The answer is...both yes and no.  Haha.  I guess it's difficult to explain.  Perhaps the most succinct way that I can put it is that, it is worth giving up what I have now, in order to start over and experience new things.  But at the same time, the lantern room is the one that is more important to me.  I guess that seems "wrong" in a way -- why would I have to choose the one that's less important?  But that's the way that life works.  It's sad.

"What happiness is there?  If I can never be what I want to be.  If I can never have what I want to have.  If I'm destined to lose everything someday?  Everything that I play with disappears and blooms into flowers.

Perhaps I've forgotten what makes me happy.  Or I've lost it.  With happiness, perhaps we can stand and accept ourselves for being imperfect.  Maybe it helps us to realize that there is value, even in things that are not perfect, not beautiful.  As long as you are happy.

So, how?"

Friend...I still don't know.  I still don't know.

I know it has something to do with what I said about the sandcastles.  About how maybe the sandcastles aren't the reason we are at the beach.  But even as I say that, I question it.  What if that was just a lie that I told myself to cope?  I went to the beach to be with my sandcastle, but it never stays with me.

"Well, you dummy, maybe you should go somewhere other than the beach, and build something other than a sandcastle"

Show me how?  Show me, what else there is to life.  Maybe the problem is that once we are set on building a sandcastle, nothing else can really substitute for it.  Even if it could...why should we settle for less?  Should we give up on finding the rainbow shell in the sand, if we know it probably doesn't exist?

"You said that this world is too terrible, making you want to escape
With red eyes you cried, then smiled, saying you don’t want anything"

=That= is a lie, and we both know it.  But it's okay.  I don't blame you for it...not at all.  It's easier to not want anything.  It's easier not to be able to be disappointed.  The hard path is to live with hope, and expectation.

On the day I couldnt see
my heart I felt insecure
The meaning of loving somebody
its something I decide myself
truth can be found in everything

I promise you, I wont wander off anymore
Ill be strong...and prove myself to you
I wont run away, Ill turn around to face you
so I can see how you feel, to heart

I will believe
so the two of us can be together in love
In order for my wish to reach the sky
I will look for you, and pray for the two of us
A pair of thoughts, now they can come
together and from a whole
Your precious love

When pain or bitterness pulls us
apart, we can hold each other
We're no longer alone,
because everything is answered by true love

Yuna Ito - "Precious"

Hello again, me.

It's easy to tell my past self to not give up.  That things will be okay, and -- once in a blue moon -- even get better.  That when my best friend walked away in that totally-normal, nothing-wrong, casual way it was not to become a stranger.  It's easy for me to tell me which fears were unwarranted, and which fears were warranted (most of them were.  You always knew yourself better than most anyone).  To tell myself that someday I would again be lifted gently from the stream.  Up out of the babbling brook.

But how can I say these things to my future me?  How can I say that things will work out, when they may not?  Would you laugh at me, if I told you to keep trying?  What if I had said it back then, that "everything will work out", wouldn't you simply scoff and tell me that I knew nothing?  What good is my voice in the face of uncertainty, in the face of futility?

In the face of eternity?

I'm starting to wonder whether the only things that I can share with you, my future self, are my own burdens.  Why is that?  Is it because my hopes and dreams are too fragile and precious?  That I hesitate to wear my heart on your sleeve the same way that my heart fails to let out the words from my soul.

How could I possibly say "you did nothing wrong", when that would imply that there is nothing wrong with me?  How could I say "forgive yourself", when that would imply that I deserve grace?

Perhaps the only thing, yet again, that I can dare to share with you is our commitment to what we believe in.  That no matter what the circumstances there are certain things, that, when we think about them, REALLY think about them, we become certain beyond a doubt of what is right.  Through all of the mistakes, the trials, the tribulations, the changes, the "damned if you do", the powerless moments, we can still remember that sometimes, love is not an option.  Which is to say, that love is not a path that we choose, it is simply a thing that we are.

The version of me that reads this may be a different version than the one I am today.  But there are things that we must share in common, aren't there?  Perhaps those are the things that we can bond over.

That even if my destiny walked away in a totally-normal, nothing-wrong, casual sort of way, it wouldn't stop me from tracing their footsteps across the country, to the gray skies of Cambridge where I lost my hairtie searching for a friend that we both still care about.  It's not about whether it's right or wrong.  It's not about which version of me that shows up.  It's not about the feelings in my heart.  We both know better than that.

Hi, future self.  It's me again.

It's so funny, that the first thing that I write to my future self about is about the past.  Not even what's going on right now, or what might happen in the future.  Just...our shared past.  But I guess there's nothing wrong with that, is there?  After all, my past is the number one thing that I have in common with my future self.  No matter what changes, my past will be my past.  My feelings about it will grow =more complex=, more nuanced, more understood, and perhaps more and more different feelings will develop.  But they won't go away.

"Perhaps you reap what you sow -- karma.  The next chapters of my life are starting to be outlined, and I have...some feelings about it that I won't care to elaborate on.  I know the path forward and I know who laid the various bricks, as well as the confluence of factors leading each one to be placed in its particular formation.  I feel like I have the experience to see these things, to understand what really happened, and even to understand what did not happen.  Exposing yourself is hard; that is why it is always safest to not ask a question.  Why would you ask something when you are afraid of what the answer might be?  Sometimes it's too hard, so we just don't ask in the first place.  This, I saw, too, and stumbled upon the path forward.

But it made me a bit sad.  Knowing why things are the way things are does not make me wonder any less "why" it can't be another way.  Why we must ask for everything that we need.  I know the answer, but I cannot deny the sadness in it.  That we might never be cared for simply for existing, for being our selves, and our past selves, and our future selves.  That our minds will never be read, that they will never be attempted to be read, and even when they are, that we will wish they hadn't.  Instead we must verbalize everything.

That, is one of the reasons why Sayuri has remained as an icon for me.  It was an envisioning of a solution for me -- the solution to the problem of expession.  Sayuri was tranquil, calm, and at peace.  If Sayuri was quiet, then surely there must be a way.  Along the way, Sayuri had, perhaps, one or two small caregivers.  But I don't she ever depended upon others to provide what she never said.  Perhaps Sayuri's presence is a lone one as well, yet she is also happy.  Is it a contradiction?  Or has Sayuri followed the precepts, and reached a place where she can survive on her lonesome whilst being truly content?  Surely, Sayuri carries deep attachments within herself, as I do too.  Has experienced pain and suffering, yet carries on quietly with a lightness that belies her troubled past.  Why?  What is the source of her strength?  Perhaps it is simply that tranquility is its own boon -- that the act of carrying oneself with calmness is inherently meditative.  And that practice can ground us.

Who is left, in this desolate inner temple?  Who will be the deity to return to me?  Perhaps I have not been as steadfast with my worship, but I have continued to pray, to hope, and to wait, haven't I?  Will I someday find salvation?  Or will I someday turn away from the statues forever, and walk away in the endless night?  Perhaps I will someday stop moving, and become a statue myself.  Frozen in place, finally free of time, that ceaseless harbinger of death and decay."

Why did I write this?  Why was I so sad?  What happened to me that June?  I can think of a few things, but I wish...I wish I understood what it was.

But regardless of how I don't know, that didn't stop me from just rereading these paragraphs.  You are heard.  Probably not just by me, of course -- I know I had my other readers, even at this time.  But it is MORE important (if late), that you are heard, by me.  By myself.

I wonder what it would take, to take ALL of the pain and loneliness in these blog entries into my arms.  To speak to each of them -- little fragments of my past self.  To offer forgiveness.  Empathy.  A shoulder to cry on.

We have such noble views of self-love, I think.  It's tempting to think that it is "only yourself" that can truly give you the love that you deserve.  But I'm sorry to say that I don't think that I can.  It's....not that I think I'm not good enough (though I often do).  It's simply that I understand.  The loneliness that I felt so often just...isn't something that I can solve through self-love.  There ARE spurts of life when I can be alone, and still say "yes, life is at a 5 out of 5".  But those are the exception rather than the rule.  I know.  I know because I was there, feeling that loneliness, and I know what I needed, and what I yearned for.

I also know because I have experienced it.  And it's not something that I can replicate for myself.  Not fully, at least.  I can offer palliative care, I can tend to symptoms, but I can't cure my own heart like that.

Sayuri...is she a good friend?  I find myself puzzled thinking of that question.  Being quiet is perhaps one of her strongest qualities.  Why, actually, is she likable?  Is it simply because she is beautiful, cool, talented?  Is it simply because she is a wishful part of myself?  Or is there something more?  Sayuri...is a good friend, in a way, I feel like she must be, no?  She finds the ways to support people, silently, without saying anything.  Without asking anything in return.  That's not to say that one should never ask for anything, but for Sayuri...I think, she doesn't have to.  Sayuri knows her own limits, but she also knows how to stretch herself in achieve what she cares about.  To support the ones that she cares about.  Hah, well, perhaps that is one thing that we may have in common.

I guess it might depend on who you ask.  I don't know for sure whether or not I'd be friends with Sayuri in real life, but I'd like to think that if I was, it would bring me happiness.  I'd....like to think that Sayuri can bring others happiness, too.  Everyone talks so much about being authentic, vulnerable, being proactive, being confident, being open-minded, being yourself.  I know....I know all of those things are probably important.  But they are not =needed= by Sayuri, that is what is so beautiful about her existence.  It's not that those things are bad.  It's that those things are not the only things.  There is another way to be, and no matter what anyone believes or tells you, you CAN be this way.  You don't have to sacrifice yourself if you don't want to.  Sure, sometimes, you get to.  But you don't have to.  And like I love Sayuri, somewhere out there, there will be someone who loves you too, despite it all.

There have been a few times when I have written in this blog things that caused people to worry about whether I was going to take my own life (usually on accident).  But worry not, for I am already dead.  I have already died a thousand million times, and as much as I'd like not to, I will die a million times more.  Is it really "rebirth" if the existence that hatches from the egg is different than the original?  The me that you knew is already dead.  The me that you loved is already dead.  And with them, all of their hopes and dreams, pain and suffering, were all left for this one to take as heirlooms.

And for some reason, despite hating the very idea of family heirlooms, I take all of it on, gladly.  For you, I'll make the exception.  For you, I'll carry everything forward that I can.

I don't know what to say about the last part.  About the statues, and the deities.  I just feel like every outcome is sad, and I don't know what I am supposed to do about that.  If I keep on praying to the statues forever, it's sad.  If I leave the statues forever, it's sad.  If I become a statue, it's sad.  What am I supposed to do, about this temple?

If one of those statues came to life, and sat with me, would it be less sad?  I don't even know.  Is it less sad if I truly commune with those deities, instead of simply praying silently?  Is it less sad if my prayers are answered?  What, then?  What happens afterward, after I receive the blessing of the gods?  Is that when I leave and return to my daily life?  Is that how it's supposed to work?

As much as I'd like to give up, there is still work to be done.  And there are those that don't even have the choice to keep going.  So, I guess tomorrow, we steel ourselves and dig in.  Coming up for air when we need to.

But you don't need to.  You don't always need to be the one to steel yourself.

I think the reason you always feel this way is because there is nobody around to save you.  Of course, you would feel this way.  That you would have to keep going until someone can save you.

I wish I could save you.  But I know that I can't.  All I can do is remind you that you don't have to keep going.  Even if there is no one left.  You don't have to keep trying..................

.................and yet, as I say that, I know I don't believe it.  Even our saviors -- those magical girls who keep us safe and fight for our sake -- even they suffer from what they call despair and grief.  When Madoka rewrote the world, she took on the burden of everyone.  Was it Homura that "saved" Madoka from this burden?  No, of course not.  That's not the way that it is.  Was Madoka's wish, a mistake, then?  You could certainly say so, from a certain way of thinking.  But like Sayuri, Madoka is "perfect", just...in a different way.  Those magical girls are able to count on Madoka in a similar way that I might be able to count on Sayuri.  Why was it, though, that those magical girls needed a "Madoka" in order to truly be saved?  Does that say something about us, that we need to be delivered into salvation by something so great, and not simply by the strength of each others' compassion?  Why is it that we cannot learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, our transgressions, our selfishness, our regrets?  Is there, out there, somewhere, a magical girl who discovered the one emotion that is more powerful than shame?  The one that allows us to transcend who we are, to change our own limits, to bring each other together?

 

It doesn't have to be an endless battle, but nor does it have to be an endless tea party, either.  Someday, I believe you'll be saved.  It will be magical, but it will also be a simple, mundane, clumsy thing.

 

 

 

So frustrating because past me had all of the answers already.  Why did I not listen to what I always knew?  Well...I guess we both know why, don't we.  Sometimes we have to try something new in the lab.  Sometimes we have to try a new build order.  Sometimes we have to try and execute something that we don't really know yet.  You can't progress forward if you are always stuck in practice mode all the time.  And you know what that means.  Sometimes, you're going to have to take an L.  Maybe the L will be easier to take if you know that you weren't "trying your hardest".  But sometimes, you =were= trying your hardest, and you still have to take the L.

All through my life I've been spoiled by not having to take the L........is what I =would= say, but we both know that's not true, right?  I'm one of those people who only queues up in ranked mode when I know it's an easy win.  I quit out when I can tell that I'm outmatched.  Maybe even evenly matched.  Because that's how you increase your MMR, isn't it?  I was told that I should win more and lose less.  That I should stop losing at all.  Who was supposed to tell me that losing is vital?

 

"Never lose ownership of yourself, Timmie.  Never give the power to control your emotions and hence heart and mind to someone else.  You will soon not even know what is right from wrong."

Kiki told me this, once.  Maybe, someone I know could have used this advice too.  Maybe me, too.  Sometimes I feel that I am at my best when I am trying my hardest to be someone else.  That is the paradox of Sayuri, I think.  That when I think about "being my best", it's about being something that I'm not.  And yet, at the same time, when Sayuri is at her best, she doesn't try to be anybody else for anyone else.  Am I at my best when I am acting like Sayuri?  Or am I at my best when I am trying to be like Sayuri?  That probably makes no sense, but luckily, the "you" that I'm writing to probably understands, right?  Maybe the you from next year would also understand, too, what I mean.  Sayuri has some friends, too.  I'm sure she takes good care of Ducky, right?  She, too, writes her letters sometimes.

I wonder, whether she is friends with the girl in that tower.  Would she go to visit sometimes?  Maybe all the time?  Would they get along?  I'm sure...that they would, wouldn't they?

"I didn't know what to do sometimes, except to show you the pebbles and bark on the trees, remind youy the little joys, that not every rock crumbles -- at least not while you see it, are with it.  I know this feeling of abandonment and feel from your words that you are better, learned The way, your way, to let go, cope with life.  You seem peaceful, more accepting, more smiley and able to let go.  This is wonderful.  I am glad."

But have I really learned to let go?  You say that so easily, like it's obvious and apparent.  What would you know about the struggles of letting go?  Isn't that a bit too ironic?  Would you even want me to let go?  You would, wouldn't you.  It's written plainly in your words.  To be more accepting, to move forward, and to move on.  But you can't decide what is best for me.  Only I can.  I'll move on when I want to.  When do you think that is?

 

"I love and share light a lot, but I also want to be the central light a lot.  I need to be first on people's lists, I guess...I discovered this year (...) that I'm not first on people's lists or no longer am.  Not first on the lists of people I care a lot about.  Sometimes, painfully, I'm not on the list at all."

So it's not just about shining brightly, then, like I had always thought it was.  How, then, do you stay on people's lists?  When this is something that neither Kiki nor Lala can achieve?

And yet...you know, there is someone's list that you are still on.  Why do you think that is?  I'm first on somebody's list, too.  It's a shame that neither of them is the list that we care about.  Perhaps staying on someone's list is not a matter of trying harder, not a matter of being better, not even a matter of shining brightly for them.  It's simply a matter of their list.  Their choices.  Kiki, how could you ever disappear from my list if I chose to carve your name into it on a stone tablet?  Don't you dare come to me in my dreams and ask me to sand it away.  And if anyone else asks me to cover it up, I will tell them that they have the wrong person.

I thought, for a shining, painfully brilliant moment, that the reason I had etched your name into my tablet, is that I hoped that you would do the same.  Of course, that's always been part of it, too.  I've accepted it over time...that with my stone tablet I can shout heathen from the top of the mountain, I can feign righteousness over those who could not possibly be deemed worthy to set foot upon my hallowed ground.

But that's also not it, either.  There is something deeper.  You can call it maladaptive all you want, but it won't change my mind.  It's not because I "decided" that this is the best way to live my life.  It is because when push comes to shove and when I tumble down the top of that mountain, I find that the thing I am clenching to my breast is my stone tablet.  So when you reach your hand out to catch me from my fall, don't you dare ask me to let go of it to ease my burden.  For it is not my burden, but my strength.  I know so, because I feel it deep in my heart.  When I am sad.  When I am happy.  When I am strong.  When I am weak.  You are a part of me through all of it.  And I won't have it any other way.

But why...?

Why, should I go to bed?  Why should I finish my game?  Why should I do a good job?  Why should I cook lunch, why should I go out, why should I play games, why should I exercise, why should I be a good person,

Why

should I try again, why should I take care of my family, why should I wake up in the morning, why...should I?  Why should I hold onto my past, why should I be true to myself, why should you care at all?

Why should we ascend to the mountain?  Why should we leave the comfort of the lantern room?  You know, right?  That once you leave, the light goes out.

Why...?

Sand Castles (3)

I watch, once again, as the tide comes in, and my castle washes away.  That blue koi that shone so brilliantly, disappearing into flowers.

"One of these days, the tide will come in for the umpteenth time
and my castle will still be there"

I wrote that 8 years ago.  Is it finally time for me to walk away from the beach?

I can hear a voice, belonging to someone who already swam across the ocean.  She tells me that I have grown so much.  That I should follow my heart, and try to smile.

I can hear a voice, belonging to someone who no longer exists anymore.  She tells me that she wants to shelter me from the cold waves, so that I won't cry anymore.

I can hear a voice, belonging to someone who tried to help me with my castle.  She tells me that I deserve more than to just build another sand castle by myself.

"Why?"

Maybe it's because I just thought...that's the only thing, that I can ever do.

I think...I don't want to build another sand castle by myself.

I can already see the tide rolling in.  I don't know what I'll do now.  But I know that those voices belong to people who are no longer here.

Maybe it's time that I looked for somewhere else to build my castle.

"Excuse me, too busy
Oh, writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like"

My blogging timeline is all weird now...there's things I want to tell my past self to write to my future self now @_@

Well, regardless of everything, I learned some things about myself this weekend.

One thing I don't know, though, is why I spend so much of my time distracting myself from sadness instead of trying to move toward happiness.  Is it just because it's hard?  I wonder.  The distractions are hard too, though.  Am I just forgetting about what is important again?

Looking through my past entries as I am apt to do, there are just, so many words of loneliness and hurt.

I don't write any of these hoping for responses, that's not it at all, but if I could, I would write back into the past.  I don't know what I would say, besides my honest feelings.  Maybe sometimes it would be advice and reassurance, maybe sometimes it would be hope for the future, but maybe sometimes it would simply be a shared sense of suffering.  Who knows, it would just be what I feel.

But I can only re-receive those thoughts from myself now, and think about how I feel about them.  Even if I wanted to, I can't write back into the past.

So, this time, I'll write into the future instead.

Forever

I stare into your eyes and I
am reminded of a time I thought would last forever
even though I know you will soon be gone 

(originally posted November 19, 2019)