Okay world, when I said "no rest for the wicked" I didn't need you to take it so literally!

Anyways, our garage flooded today, so that was fun.  Those first few minutes of consciousness were an interesting experience.  I was lying on my back in bed, awake, with my glasses on, listening to the sound of the pouring rain, doing what I said in my last post -- remembering my emotions from the previous day.  Then I got the news and was spurred unthinkingly into action.

In a strange twist of karmic fate (or perhaps just lucky planning on my part), zero of my belongings were damaged, so I had no emotional processing to do, only labor and work.  Well, I was already feeling pretty.....unfeeling before this, so in an odd sort of way, it was "fine".  You do what you need to do, you put in the work, and you neither celebrate nor complain.  You just keep going, I guess.

Depression is a weird thing.  You feel at the same time too upset to enjoy yourself, but also unmotivated to turn yourself into something useful.  It's different than "sadness", I think.  With sadness I feel an apt desire to less myself feel an emotion.  With depression it's not like there is a distinct lack of emotion, but more that it feels like it doesn't really matter whether I feel it or not.

Last night I watched a few short films that centered around selective mutism.  I was looking for stories about people who don't speak, really.  It's odd though, I understand that often these people are suffering, and that it would be a great thing if they could overcome their struggles and learn to talk and communicate verbally with others.  But I of course come with a different experience of silence, one where it must be harbored, fostered, cared for in the face of societal norms and cultural expectations.  Silence is safe.  Of course, it is great to be able to be brave, to face your fears and to share yourself in a way that is vulnerable and human.  But there is no reason to deny our desire to stay safe and comfortable as well, it is a part of us just like all of the others.

They sometimes say that the act of exiting the womb is the first traumatic experience we undergo as human beings.  Not just a painful experience, but a traumatic one -- one that rips us away from safety and warmth and into the outside world.  As children we instinctively withdraw underneath our covers when we are afraid.  Why should things be any different as adults?  Does the superego control us so, that we cast off the desires that make us human?

Tomorrow is the start of a new year.  Perhaps, the start of a new practice for me as well.

Now is as good as time as any to try and write something here, I guess.

I went to a Vienna Teng concert; it was great, as expected.  Rather than talk about any of the pieces or anything like that, I'll instead just write about how hearing this type of music -- now, at least -- directs my thoughts to various things.  Someone close to me that passed away -- almost like a child of mine.  Existential loneliness.  Loss.  I find myself thinking about The Big Stuff when I hear abstract lyrics relating to these various themes.

I've been continuing to play more Triangle Strategy, and continuing to enjoy it as well.  I'm liking almost all aspects of the game so far; besides maybe one or two slightly obtuse exploration/multiple choice sections, but those have been more of the exception to the rule, thankfully.  I've been enjoying perusing various youtube content discussing the merits of various units and their upgrades, and it's interesting to see different people have different takes on things rather than having some clear tier list that everyone agrees on.

I can feel that I'm depressed.  It's not really a surprise to me or anything, since I know there has been sadness in my life, but the realization is more of an evaluation of my mental and emotional responses than anything else.  I'm still functioning ok, and able to enjoy happy times as well.  But I can tell in my thoughts that I'm suffering from what I could only call as depression.  "Anger turned toward the self" is how I've heard it described.  I think that could be accurate.  That phrase somehow reminds me of The Beach episode (episode 45, S3E5) of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  This was an episode that I chanced upon seeing (paying half attention to it) that reminded me to check out the series.  It left a good impression on me as to what the series could maybe have to offer.  Eh, well, I'm not sure the entire series really reached these sort of heights.  But there were great parts, certainly.

Some people probably try to forget the sadness in their present lives.  I think I try not to.  Or I can't.  It's hard...unnatural?  Disingenuous, of me, to go to bed sad, and then wake up with a refreshed state of mind.  Nothing changed about my situation, why should I feel any different?  I think I detest what I can only personally see as "flighty" displays and feelings of emotion, that sort of instability and ephemerality really bothers me, so I try to stay away from it.  We should not be swayed so easily by our current circumstance, by transient situations, is what I think in my heart.  So I wake up, and I try to remember.  I remember the sadness, because that too, is a part of me that I decide to carry with me.  I try to carry as much as I can, forward with me.  It's all part of who I am.  I don't go through my day to day life like some gloomy caricature, it's nothing like that.  I just remember, and hold my emotions with me.  Emotions from the past should be important.  If they aren't, then hasn't everything has been meaningless?

Christmas came and went, and though the mailing deadline snuck (sneaked?) up on me, I managed alright with what I wanted to do, and I had a good time.  Somehow it's already the 30th; it feels like I'm not really sure what happened between Christmas and now besides that I finished another Rhythm Quest level (at least).  I guess I relaxed a bit.

I admit that the coming weeks are a bit intimidating, but as I already said above, I don't like swaying my emotional mood back and forth too far in any direction, so I'll just keep walking forward step by step for now.  I only express outward exasperation when things feel truly dire.  At all other times, it's only a steady rise and fall like the tides, I think.  No breaks, nor crises.  Everything is about the steady state.  It makes no difference how tall or short the mountain of work is, you just take a small piece of it and then put it aside.  That's all, no more, no less.

I guess maybe there is no rest for the wicked.  Or me, either.

Sometimes I'm scared to go to sleep.  But not because I'm afraid of the dark, or the dreams, or even the next day.  Of course, there are times when the late nights are filled with freedom, energy, and possibilities, and to cut it short would be a shame.  But this would be different.  I guess you could say that it is loneliness, but maybe that is not really the right word.  I think it is more like, going to sleep feels like leaving something unfinished.  That you couldn't figure out how life was supposed to be, and to end things would mean that you are powerless.  It's not true, of course.  The next day brings with it infinite possibilities, though with that it also brings fear sometimes.  But sometimes it just feels not right.

Well shucks...

I'll just write a few things, and hope to be back here sooner rather than later.

I did another ALTTPR run the other week/day and after hovering moldorm 2 on the first try and getting a 1-cycle on ganon phase 2 with master sword + somaria + cape I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Still feels nice to just play and execute well, even if not everything is perfect.

I've been delving into Triangle Strategy lately, which was gifted to me generously by a fan.  There are a few mixed reviews criticizing the lack of depth/unit customization in the tactics gameplay as well as the hefty amounts of story.  I can see where they're coming from; the experience is definitely different than both FFT and Tactics Ogre LUCT.  FFT I think is really about sculpting your units into efficient and overpowered machines, whereas Tactics Ogre I think focuses more on big armies (lots of units!), overall positioning, and sidegrades (well, for the One Vision mod, at least) in order to tweak how they perform.

Triangle Strategy contains a lot less unit customization, but it does still have an emphasis on unit positioning and usage of terrain.  It's story-heavy for sure, but I think it's actually a good balance, since the tactics gameplay itself isn't as "rewarding" as FFT where you get to grow and work with your units more substantially.  So far the story is keeping me engaged, at least, even the "exploration" sections which I can see would turn off other people.  If I were to have one gripe with it it's that some of the units seem a lot harder to use effectively than others right now, but maybe their uses are just supposed to be more niche.

Canada trip, Pump It Up, yet another goodbye

Well, where do I even begin...?

I was up in Canada for a work trip this week.  I think it went ok!

While I was there we had various teambuilding activities, including axe-throwing (!) and curling (haha).  I was terrible at the axe-throwing until the end when they showed us how to toss with one hand -- I guess that made it click for me.  Curling, on the other hand, actually came very natural to me, maybe because I've seen the correct form once or twice, maybe because I'm just used to a balanced lunging stance from martial arts.  I was genuinely impressed with how one or two of my shots were actually able to curve into the right position (with the aid of the sweeping).

I also had the opportunity to try Pump It Up for the first time, and I can say that it does not disappoint.  I've known for a while now that the PIU folks really love playing Pump, and that it's very popular in some parts...I can see why now.  Besides what I already knew (the game is in general kept a bit more "up to date" and fresh in terms of charting practices and songs), I got to experience firsthand how the panel layout lends itself to lots of fun crossover patterns.  Some friendly PIU folks were luckily around the machine and helped us with song sorting / scroll speed mods after I explained that I was a DDR player.  I started on an S6, which ended up being way too easy, and then moved up to S9/S10, capping off with an S11 that was quite fun.  The PIU player who was helping me/us out was pretty incredulous that I was playing S9/S10 on my first time and exclaimed that I must be REALLY good at DDR (I'm good, sure, but not anything special).  I think my experience with DDR doubles probably really helped here, as well as just being used to rhythm games in general and chart reading.  It was actually easier for me to get into than I thought, and I was reading crossovers pretty well, just sometimes a little too slow for my body to hit them all with precise control.

It's certainly interesting seeing the different vibe or "feel" of PIU gameplay vs DDR gameplay, I can see why PIU is known for being more about pushing you towards difficult note streams vs DDR trying to be more rhythmic and technical.  I'll have to maybe try to make it down to Round1 to try some more PIU at some point.  For now, though, probably best to get into making good use of my new LTEK metal pads...

Amidst all that, I got the news that another one of my dear friends had passed.  She was my favorite of the bunch, and I felt a pang of regret at not having visited her in the few days before leaving on my trip, as I had been thinking to.  In the end I think the decision was right at the time, so I don't blame myself...just a shame that I was not able to see her one last time.

Did you enjoy your life together, while it lasted?  Did you enjoy your time with me, while it lasted?  Was it right, that you went away?  That I could not be with you the last year of your lives?  Perhaps it was better, it was a chance for me to separate myself, so that the end would not sting so much.  But it still leaves an emptiness behind in my heart.  I don't think anyone will ever be able to replace them in my life, because they are each special.  They...were happy.  I know this, better than anyone.  I perhaps understood each of them better than anyone.  And perhaps they will live in my memory more than in anyone else's.

This week has been......interesting.  Like a vacation, but not at the same time.  I worked and put in hours for one of my jobs, but at the same time I did not achieve anything on my other jobs.  All of that is still waiting for me when I get back.  The music commissions, the Christmas letters, Rhythm Quest, vacuuming, laundry, cooking, housework, pet chores, and everything else.  I think it's easy for me to be at this work offsite and feel like the only thing to think about in the world is the stuff related to this one job.  But then I'm reminded of all of the other "jobs" that I also have a responsibility to.  At that moment, everything becomes so "small".  I'm a little afraid of everything that awaits.  I just want everything to be okay.  But it's a little bit harder to believe in that, now that another loved one is gone forever.

I've been improving, slowly, at Pop'n Music.  I've switched to playing most charts on random, which -- although more difficult -- I've really been feeling has been helping me improve, especially for chords.  It's nice feeling that I've been (hopefully) building the right playing habits for PnM, as opposed to IIDX where I definitely struggle with some bad habits from having grown up on keyboard play and not having solidified my finger placements early on.  I tend to have timing problems and mash more in IIDX as well, and definitely never played on random, so....yeah.

The one downside of playing on random is that you get really awkward note combos like 1+4 or 2+5 which you either need to hit with a really outstretched thumb, or use your wrist/forearm.  But just like the non-awkward chords (that are harder to read but easier to hit), probably better to get used to all of those at these easier levels and speeds than later.

=====

There's a lingering feeling that I have, still.

I've far away.  This time, I didn't feel that anxious, "something is wrong" feeling at being whisked away to a different land.  It was a more subdued feeling.  I guess it's only natural.  I'll never like the way it feels, to leave and go so far, so quickly.  My spirit lingers behind.