Now is as good as time as any to try and write something here, I guess.

I went to a Vienna Teng concert; it was great, as expected.  Rather than talk about any of the pieces or anything like that, I'll instead just write about how hearing this type of music -- now, at least -- directs my thoughts to various things.  Someone close to me that passed away -- almost like a child of mine.  Existential loneliness.  Loss.  I find myself thinking about The Big Stuff when I hear abstract lyrics relating to these various themes.

I've been continuing to play more Triangle Strategy, and continuing to enjoy it as well.  I'm liking almost all aspects of the game so far; besides maybe one or two slightly obtuse exploration/multiple choice sections, but those have been more of the exception to the rule, thankfully.  I've been enjoying perusing various youtube content discussing the merits of various units and their upgrades, and it's interesting to see different people have different takes on things rather than having some clear tier list that everyone agrees on.

I can feel that I'm depressed.  It's not really a surprise to me or anything, since I know there has been sadness in my life, but the realization is more of an evaluation of my mental and emotional responses than anything else.  I'm still functioning ok, and able to enjoy happy times as well.  But I can tell in my thoughts that I'm suffering from what I could only call as depression.  "Anger turned toward the self" is how I've heard it described.  I think that could be accurate.  That phrase somehow reminds me of The Beach episode (episode 45, S3E5) of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  This was an episode that I chanced upon seeing (paying half attention to it) that reminded me to check out the series.  It left a good impression on me as to what the series could maybe have to offer.  Eh, well, I'm not sure the entire series really reached these sort of heights.  But there were great parts, certainly.

Some people probably try to forget the sadness in their present lives.  I think I try not to.  Or I can't.  It's hard...unnatural?  Disingenuous, of me, to go to bed sad, and then wake up with a refreshed state of mind.  Nothing changed about my situation, why should I feel any different?  I think I detest what I can only personally see as "flighty" displays and feelings of emotion, that sort of instability and ephemerality really bothers me, so I try to stay away from it.  We should not be swayed so easily by our current circumstance, by transient situations, is what I think in my heart.  So I wake up, and I try to remember.  I remember the sadness, because that too, is a part of me that I decide to carry with me.  I try to carry as much as I can, forward with me.  It's all part of who I am.  I don't go through my day to day life like some gloomy caricature, it's nothing like that.  I just remember, and hold my emotions with me.  Emotions from the past should be important.  If they aren't, then hasn't everything has been meaningless?

Christmas came and went, and though the mailing deadline snuck (sneaked?) up on me, I managed alright with what I wanted to do, and I had a good time.  Somehow it's already the 30th; it feels like I'm not really sure what happened between Christmas and now besides that I finished another Rhythm Quest level (at least).  I guess I relaxed a bit.

I admit that the coming weeks are a bit intimidating, but as I already said above, I don't like swaying my emotional mood back and forth too far in any direction, so I'll just keep walking forward step by step for now.  I only express outward exasperation when things feel truly dire.  At all other times, it's only a steady rise and fall like the tides, I think.  No breaks, nor crises.  Everything is about the steady state.  It makes no difference how tall or short the mountain of work is, you just take a small piece of it and then put it aside.  That's all, no more, no less.

I guess maybe there is no rest for the wicked.  Or me, either.