I got taken down for the count, but it's just as well, I guess.  If I won't give myself a rest, then I'll just have to be forced to, perhaps.

I continue to have mixed feelings going to these dance events.  It's "nice", I guess, but it also makes me feel icky.  It makes me question what it was =ever= like to have a simple, nice, pleasant time socializing.  I keep on telling myself to withhold expectations, but also to perform my best, and end up with a strange yet not-so-strange feeling of emptiness.  Well, the good news is that spending $200 at the grocery store afterwards brought my mood up...

I played through Old Skies!  That was a fun playthrough, I think I enjoyed it more than Unavowed.  There were a few minor parts where I felt like the narrative sort of lost me, but for the most part I think it was good.

I find myself unable to do any of the things I'm "supposed" to do, but...that's sort of the point, isn't it? 

What is it like, I wonder?  To be "normal", to go down the path that you're supposed to.  Is it just, easier?  Some people I'm sure, pay a price for trying to be normal, and "failing".  But I'm sure there are those that also, don't.  What is that even like?  Is it like being really smart and not having to work hard in school for your grades?  You just kind of go along and don't have a lot of those difficulties, a lot of those struggles, or something?

I guess I dance better with petticoat, no matter what the style.  Social dance is an interesting environment to be in; in some senses it forces me to confront both how I am different than others, but also the same.  I'm not sure which is "worse", really.

At the very least, I felt an unexpected confidence and energy, at one point.  It's rare for me to feel that these days, quite.  It's strange to think about, how I have it in me, yet am unable to access it most of the time.

=====

Sure, it's bad to be so stuck up that you're constantly believing all of the stories you craft about yourself.  But like, isn't it also bad to never believe in them, either?  Of course, we'd all like to strive to be nuanced and balanced individuals, but I'm sure we can all think of at least some times when we succumbed to playing the victim card, or times when we were gaslit into thinking that we were the one with the problem when we never were.

It is scary to get that wrong, but perhaps it's also futile, in a sense, to try and avoid it.  When we say "we are all human" the connotation is around making mistakes and not being perfect.  Odd that "imperfection" is what we associate with as a race, when there are so many other things that you could also consider universal experiences, strengths, traits.

My friend was talking about how they have a distinct impression of Gen Z folks and the way they talk, communicate, joke.  There is a certain sort of detached sense of humor, or even a detached way of relating to what's going on.  It's almost "insincere" in a way, it would probably be really uncharacteristic to just come out and say outright, "haha, I think this is so funny", or "that's terrible...".  I'm sure there are complicated sociological factors at play here, but the story I have in my head is that these are people who grew up in a world where nobody is safe from judgment, anywhere.  When I think back I remember seeing tabloid maganizes at the grocery store, it always seemed like some movie star or celebrity was involved in some scandal or something, according to them.  And it seemed so far away, so distant, so...imaginary.  Like, these people hardly feel real, and even if they were, certainly none of these allegations could be taken seriously?

But perhaps there are those who now grow up in a space where anything at all could be considered "cringe", where we have a word called "tryhard" which is supposed to be derogatory.

What's weird, or maybe troubling to me, about it all, is not really the behavior of the new generation, or what is "cringe" or whatever, I mean, sure, maybe those are problematic too, but I think what really strikes me is that like, being vulnerable or putting yourself out there or being authentic or expressing yourself fully was =already= really hard even without all this.  We face problems with our ego, we fear rejection, we hide under masks, because damn, the world has always been a harsh place, even when it's just totally normal.

That's fine though, I think.  You can't rush these things.  You shouldn't expect to magically ascend into nirvana or heal all of your trauma or become the ideal person you've always wanted to.  I don't necessarily think I need to glorify being flawed, but...like, stay flawed.  That's totally fine.  Necessary, even.  That is somehow an important part of being "human", right?

Perhaps what is so important about loving yourself is that you are always entitled to your own self-love, no matter how shitty you've been, or think you've been.  Maybe everyone "deserves" to be loved, but we are never entitled to it.

When we turn our anger toward ourselves, though, even that can break down.  But I guess it is important to remember to care for yourself, even if reluctantly.  Maybe you can't stand being with the person, but there is some part of you that can still be called upon to do the right thing.

Anyways, I was getting pretty down in the dumps, but had some help in wading through back to the surface.  I see the air again now, can tell up from down.  I am excited to finish this Fractal Terra build, excited to play another Nebuchadnezzar map, maybe excited for the weekly open seed.  Hell, I'm even excited to finally not have to deal with direct audience interaction anymore.

I'm not really sure who I'll be tomorrow.  Will I be fiercely myself?  Will I pretend to be somebody else?  I don't really know, other than that I need to make sure I have my own back.

It's not the time for change.  How could I even entertain the idea?  There is only one type of change that I should be seeking in my current state...everything else is too much for this time.

Slowly, we'll come back.  There won't be any big sort of write-up because the most I can do is claw my way back, slowly.  The days continue, and that's all I can ask of myself.

We slowly flip our way through the pages, onto what seems like the next chapter of it.  But it's not a clean cut; things from chapter 2 still blur into chapter 4, and I sense that it will continue to be that way.  The chapter after this, too, will not be the end of it all.  I know, because I've gone through these sorts of things before.  Sometimes there are more chapters than you can even realize.

I opened a box to the past today and things spilled out of me onto the floor.  Indescribable mixes of emotions; not something you could find on any one of those "emotion wheels".  It could not be categorized as joy, love, anger, or sadness.  But from there I received an energy that I...guess I needed?  Well, I'm not sure what else I'd do with myself, anyways.

We're on our way back, though, it seems.

Oct 14, 2025

We're going private for a while, for various reasons.  I guess in lieu of a real private post feature on Blogger, we're just sending stuff way into the future instead.  We'll see how it works out, I guess.

There's a lot I could write about, but also could just not write about.  I think rather than start big, I'll just start small.  We're doing pretty ok.  It's an odd mix of things, like feeling excited yet also unmotivated, lonely but also not.  I'm not really worried about myself, know that I'll be okay, it's more just like...how does the day to day feel, and how am I best taking care of myself while I swim through it all?

If nothing else, the xmas letter project is going pretty decently. I'm only a few days behind, and that's pretty ok, honestly I'm a little surprised I've managed to keep up this pace.  I have other things I know I can get to, some which I keep meaning to get to.  I'm actually getting some Rhythm Quest work done, but it keeps on getting bogged down because there's other stuff going on in my life.  I've done good data science for ALTTPR, but I should get back to updating my website with more of the data and findings.  Even for my keyboards, I keep meaning to make some sort of switchup, but haven't gotten around to it.

Silksong has overall been a great thing to keep me going and provide me something nice to just turn to when I want to just...play a game.  Reminds me a little bit of when I was playing Baldur's Gate 3 and despite all the flaws of that game it was...something to play and look forward to.

I dunno.  I like, =kinda= know what happiness looks like for me going forward, it's just a little fuzzy around the edges.  But also, that's not really something that worries me.  I'm ok not knowing exactly what the future looks like.  I'm ok just having a general direction.  I just keep on moving forward like I always have.  Someday I'll get "there", I think.  I hope.  Maybe you will, too.

I mean I think if I get really real with myself, I feel like I wronged myself.

I think sometimes that really stings because out of all the people in the world myself is the one who has really been through it all together with me.

Yeah, but...we're allowed to make mistakes.  We all do.  It happens.  And we keep on going, most of the time better than before, even if a little worn and battered.  Sayuri is "perfect", but she is not perfect, because no such thing exists.  She is only an idealization in that her traits carry her to success solely because she exists only in a framework where she can succeed.  Or even when she is in a situation when she "fails", it's still "admirable".

In the real world, she, too, would need to give herself compassion for the things that she could not do.  It wouldn't be her fault.

Performing surgery is always scary, especially when you're inexperienced with it.  I hope that everything will be alright, that things will take root, heal, and grow again.  Even if we end up staying in the exact same place that we were before, sometimes we still need to be repotted, to make sure that we are healthy and growing well.

There's a weird feeling of emptiness that I have right now.  I guess that, is better than anxiety, at least.  I think it's a combination of rolling the credits for Silksong and then just...not knowing whether beyond the door my path continues, or comes to an end.  It's weirdly ungrounding.  But!  The turmoil and struggle that I wrote about last time is past...

Tomorrow is the start of an odd week for me.  A week where I simultaneously try to relax, try to get stuff done, try to enjoy myself but be disciplined, try to be social yet spend time to myself, try to be hopeful yet pragmatic.  It's weird to try and know where to land in all of it.

But I guess, I will at the very least, start by doing laundry and vacuuming, I guess.  Past that, I'll drink my white tea.  Try to figure out lunch and dinner, which I don't actually have too much of a plan about, for once.  And write a letter, at least.

Feels nice to be done with my pixel art drawing for the month, I guess.  I should have probably tried to sleep earlier, but maybe I can at least wake up not too late tomorrow...?

My mind keeps on refusing to learn the lessons that my body so desperately tries to tell it, I guess.  So here I am at 4AM, anxious and sitting in the company of the doubts that I swatted away like those buzzing flies that kept me on edge even as I tried to do what I normally do.  It may not be "fair", but suffering rarely is.  But just because it is not "fair" doesn't necessarily mean that it wasn't earned.  I may not "deserve" to feel this way, but I certainly earned it.

It's hard to look back at what I did to arrive at this place and trace the "mistakes" that led me here because it is difficult, simply put, to label anything as "mistake".  If I am acting in accordance to what I believe and what I think best, how could it be a mistake?  More often than not we are simply victims of the fact that we are set up for certain outcomes.  "Failure", you could call it, but that word has the same problematic connotation as "mistake".  I did many things that could be called "success", but is it really success if it leads to negative outcomes?  It it simply a matter of perspective, sometimes.

Emotional security is, perhaps, sometimes like financial security.  Well, not really, in many ways, but maybe in some ways.  It's unfortunate, but many times the easiest way to earn money is to already have money.  We don't have such thing as an emotional savings account, or (good lord) emotional mutual funds.  But the concept is the same; when you are living paycheck to paycheck (or worse), you can't really secure a future for yourself that doesn't carry some element of risk or instability.

Some people just work their way toward financial stability and security, others kinda just have it handed to them.  And of course sometimes disaster strikes and that can take so many forms.  "Invest in yourself" is maybe a saying that gets tossed around, but the thing is that investment requires capital.  You can also make something from nothing, but it's something that requires more work, and...oftentimes, a more frugal lifestyle.  In the worst case you might have to take out a loan.  But it's funny because in some of the best cases you end up taking on a mortgage and what is that but another type of loan?  In one case you might not really be considered to be financially independent, but in the other case you might be considered to be very financially independent?  There is probably some sort of analogy in terms of the emotional loans that we take on, too.  It's not that it's inherently bad to take on a loan, it just depends.

I'm always pretty vague in these posts so I guess I can spell it out more in plain English, too.  I'm pretty unhappy.  I had a long week and I'm suffering from the residual effects of it.  I have some aspects of myself that are pretty frustrated at the other parts because they have been trying to get me away from unhappiness but like, you know how it is.  We often ignore what our body is telling us, or ignore what our mind is telling us, one or the other usually.  I didn't take good care of myself this week, not at all, and it's all starting to hit me as an accumulation of debt that I guess I need to start paying back somehow.  It's kinda sucky.  I didn't really want this but I don't have anybody to really "blame" but myself.  I'm trying to be sympathetic and write all this stuff about how "mistakes" aren't really a thing but yeah, I mean I think if I get really real with myself, I feel like I wronged myself.

I think sometimes that really stings because out of all the people in the world myself is the one who has really been through it all together with me.

It is one thing to want something for so long and then to realize that you will never reach it.  It is another thing to come to the understanding that you will still keep trying despite knowing that you will never reach it.  And it is still yet another thing to realize that what you believed in was a lie all along.

When I first learned the story of Sayaka Miki I think it was difficult for me to resonate with her struggle keenly.  I understood the tragedy of her story, but I saw her as brash, naive, and stubborn.  However, I wrote in 2013 in that I realized some things that made me feel like I started to understand her struggle a bit more.  I think I had begun to understand the idea of believing in something flawed, and had a greater appreciation of that "stubbornness".  And I also realize now the feeling of being betrayed by an ideal.  You could argue that Sayaka's naivety makes her story more "human".  That this is a flaw in her character, one that makes it resonant.  I think that's true to some extent, but humans are not the only species that are naive.  Perhaps what makes her struggle truly human is her struggle to maintain her beliefs despite being proven wrong.  In a way you could say this is an attachment to the past -- a sort of sunk-cost fallacy, if you will.  But I think it's more than that, too.  The idea of choosing to spend effort on something that is known to ultimately be futile, I think is something that feels to me to be uniquely human.  Like most good stories, Sayaka's portrayal to me doesn't have a defined single message or "moral" -- indeed, her story resolves in different ways depending on the universe.  I think this is by nature, as you can't simply "fix" this struggle by finding an answer.  It is simply something to be experienced and to learn your way through.

--September 7, 2021