Cooking

Cooking, is, of course, a craft, and a skill.  When I'm really enjoying the process of cooking I get a similar enjoyment out of it as I do when I'm playing a videogame, or making music.

But it's more than that, too.  Cooking is a way that we can connect with other people.  To help bring them happiness.  I mean, sure, videogames and music can do that too, just...it's in different ways.

Sometimes when I watch these cooking videos and content I get this smile on my face from knowing that there is this shared understanding of craft.  Seeing someone that "gets it", someone who you feel aligned with in terms of your process, always feels satisfying, like you're a little less alone in the world because somebody else has this shared understanding with you, even if you've never met them.

But there's other cooking content that makes you appreciate that you can really create something beautiful out of cooking.  When people think of "gift giving" or "acts of service" as a love language I think there is an impulse to think of them as really impersonal, but of course when you really think about the great examples of this kind of love expression they are anything but that.  That special hand-made thing that you always treasured, or that surprise party that your friend helped organize for you.  Cooking is the same way, like, cooking can be "sustenance for life" in that it can just be this necessary aspect for physical health and survival, but it can also be "sustenance for life" in that it can remind us of joy, remind us to connect with our bodies, remind us to connect with other people.  I think this is why presentation is important when it comes to food, as much as I often neglect it (efficiency is also important to me...).  It can help to create a moment, as much as the packaging on a gift, or the hand-written note that goes alongside of it.

Seeing someone really express their happiness when you cook for them is a really special feeling, I guess it is similar to seeing someone express their happiness and gratitude when you give them something special that isn't food.  Thinking about it makes me a little emotional for some reason.  I think it's because the desire to be loved and appreciated is such a core desire -- if not for all people, then at least for people like me.  Of course, there is also the desire to be respected and acknowledged -- that can be really important too -- but cooking is perhaps a little unique in that it's a craft that can connect with people on a more personal level.

I want to become better at cooking.  I want to be able to bring more moments of joy to the people around me.  But thinking about this, also makes me think about how I struggle, too.  Not with creating a meal, but with being on the other side -- with expressing my appreciation for others.  How can I seek connection with others through this "love language" if I am so reluctant to connect with them in the first place (or in the "second place"?).  Do I "deserve" to hear words affirming my effort if I have not yet learned to give those same words back?  Why should people express thanks to me if I am so reticent?

Why is it so hard to express love, and to accept love?

...would be a nice place to end the post, but I think we kinda already know why it's hard to express love, and to accept love.  It's because sometimes love often comes bundled together with all of these other emotions and feelings and thoughts and memories.  Maybe to you love means control.  Maybe love is intermingled with lust.  Maybe jealousy.  Maybe when you tried to accept love you ended up accepting shame along with it.  "Fear of love" isn't really something we talk about, I guess maybe it is really not an apt phrase to describe it anyways, we dress it up in phrases like "avoidant attachment" or "rejection sensitivity" or whatever.  But there's a good reason it exists, right?  We all want to have those =good= experiences with love, but there have usually been so many bad experiences too, it's easy to forget how to let our guard down.  Love takes time.  And if we are to be open to it for ourselves, we have to also be open to it for others, too.

There's no rush, though.  There's no need to "fix" something that isn't "broken".  It's ok to not bring your whole self to every encounter.  You will, in your own time, when you are ready.