Monday, September 2, 2013

Summer of 2013

You know, I used to do "quarter in review" posts, for the passing of each academic quarter and season.  I'd link you to the last one I did, which I think recapped my entire Stanford experience as well, but...well, Xanga is doing its whole Xanga 2.0 thing, so...that doesn't really exist anymore.

The thing is, I don't think I could really recap this summer (or even this year), even if I wanted to.  How can I?  So much happened, and I was overwhelmed at so many points.  Maybe I still am.  And I can't even talk about most of it, can I?

It's been tough.  Really tough, actually.  Life after college has been such a stark contrast to my 5th year, the glory year when everything was in its place.  But then again, I guess I may have said the same thing 5 years ago, when I was transitioning from high school to Stanford--I was lamenting the loss of my friends, lamenting the loss of fun classtime, took a few years, didn't it?

I want to say things are both better and worse than they were during those first couple years at Stanford.  They're worse in that I've been through worse times lately.  Granted, I went through some pretty stupidly bad times during, say, my sophomore year, but I don't think it was bad in -this- way.  It's not even a magnitude thing...I just don't like the "means" in which I've suffered through the past year.  It's a different kind of sensation.  At the same time, it's mixed in with really awesome times and lots of positive things, which there were not as much of 5 or 6 years ago.  So...

I've been working on my custom MtG set.  A lot.  I playtested a bunch of the cards on Friday, with a friend, and did some massive redesign work since that time.  It's actually super-exciting to see the cards that I designed actually functioning.

Fall is here, it seems.  The summer weather is fading, fading away.  I don't know whether to be sad, or to feel, that's not true.  It's definitely refreshing.  I really like cloudy weather, don't you know?

My self-confidence seems to be...rather shot these days.  I think...I think, I need to be working on it.  At the same time, I'm more outgoing...I'm having conversations with people that never would have happened before...they really never would have.  It's really scary and intimidating, but I guess I proved to myself that I can do it too, if I try.  Yeah...

It really bothers me, that I can't blog like I used to.  It =really= bothers just tells me that something is not right; it's not right.  What happened to all the thoughts and focus that I used to have?  It's really bothering, that I can't just stream out my thoughts like I used to.  I think this is a self-confidence thing too.  Maybe I just keep on stopping myself.  But I don't need to, do it?  It feels feels nice to be able to type-think, to let my fingers do the thinking and not my mind.  To just type =whatever= comes into my mind.

I talk like that sometimes too, when I'm in the right situation.  Just saying whatever.  It's's really nice.  Everyone likes talking about themselves and venting their problems, don't they?  I think there was a lot of negativity in my previous writing, but...I think it's okay, as long as it's not too much.  It's just...I need to be able to release my thoughts.  I want to feel -peaceful- with everything.  That's really what's important.  There's too much tension, way way way too much pressure.  It really needs to go away, this pressure.  I just need peace.

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