Friday, September 27, 2013

Sometime near the beginning of this week, I had a was set in high school again, and band again.  I don't think I was actually back in high school, just happened to be there, doing something, I don't know what business it was that I was among them.  But I saw a girl I of the good kids.  One of the quintessential "good kids", even.  And I called out her name, and we had a hug.  It had been so long since I had seen her; so long.

After I had that dream, I wanted to write that girl a letter.  I really did...I thought I was going to, actually, though of course I only have her address from two years ago.  Apparently the last time I wrote to her was in June of 2011.

What was I going to write to her?  Not that much...just that I had that dream, and that I thought that it meant I should write to her, and let her know that I thought she was a cool person.

Lately I've been having doubts.  Two years is a lot, isn't it?  And it's been even longer than that, since I actually saw her.  Do I really even know this person?  What would be the effect of my letter?  I talked to my idol about this, and really, I'm writing to the memory of that girl, not her herself.  Is that right?  Is that actually fair to the real, living her, of the present, that I'm using her as a substitute for who she was in the past?  Isn't that a bit fake, that I'm playing pretend, so that I can feel as if I can connect with something that in reality, isn't there anymore?

At the same time, I do feel that it's receive something from an old friend, isn't it?  People appreciate what I do, right?  Is that a good enough reason to keep doing it?  I don't know, actually, to be honest.  But I like my friendships to be commitments.  I guess it's a foolish way of thinking, but I guess part of me just wants to lead by example.  It's too sad to have friendships end like this, isn't it?

I once had a friend, who I ended up not liking very much, and they kept intruding onto my life after I realized it.  That really made me think about things...this person is trying to be in my life, but...I don't want them there.  What if I'm like that too?  That I'm being stubborn and trying to hold on to my connections with people, but...what if I'm just causing them trouble, in the end?  That really shook me, when I first thought about it.

It makes me cry, sometimes, when I realize how powerless I am against this.  Sometimes I'm really afraid...does it make a difference, the things that I'm doing?  And is it even right?  It makes me cry, because this is something that's so important to me.  All I'm doing is delaying the inevitable.  It was much easier before, when I could just believe that I really =could= change things, that I really had that power.  But I don't think I do.  I'm human too, after all, and vulnerable to change.

It's already time to start writing Christmas letters, but it just makes me really sad.  Thinking about it is really scary to face up to the truth.  Living in a fantasy world, with imaginary friends.  Is it really better for me to do that?  Aren't there other people who are running around and spending time together with real people?  That makes me a bit jealous, I think.  Thinking about all of it, makes me realize that I don't have friends like that anymore.  It got harder, huh?  It's really my own fault though; no one else to blame, I don't think.  Well, no, not all my own fault.  But I can certainly try harder, can't I...?

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