Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I can't think of a way to say anything without sounding pretentious, somehow.  I think I'm having self-confidence issues these days.  I guess that's always been an issue, really.  Well...I guess, before, I used to be more self-confident...which is really just another way of saying that I was more arrogant and judgmental.  I think I found it so much easier to just posit my own beliefs on things, and just assume that everyone else was wrong; that my way is best and that I can scoff at anything else.  Does that seem silly?  I don't think it was exactly like that, a way, it sort of was.

But of course, that's no longer valid.  How can it be, when -I- changed, when I am no longer that way anymore?  Doesn't that mean that I was wrong?  I guess not necessarily.  Maybe everything was right at the time.  Hindsight is 20/20?

Anyways, what I was =going= to write about is how much stress I've been tucking away inside of my proverbial closet.  I kind of know it's there, so it wasn't really shocking to see it all spilling out when I opened the door.  I'm not really in denial in that sense.  But I still don't really confront that too often.  I'm too careful now, too guarded.  Blogging used to be a way for me to let out all of those things.  Even if I had to use cryptic terms, like "he-who-shall-not-be-named", I still got to at least do =something= with all of the things that pissed me off, all of the things that made me upset, worried, stressed, anxious, all of the things that made me feel bad about myself, the things that made me angry and the things that made me angry that I was angry at them.  To at least acknowledge that those things were real, and that they bothered me--even if it seems more immature, wasn't that a healthier way?

In the end, who is going to judge me for spewing all of those things out?  Hmm...but as I flip the situation around, maybe that isn't such a rhetorical question after all.  I judge too, after all.

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