Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Why can't I just celebrate differences?

I will never be a girl.  Never.  And that's not just because I can't ever look like a girl, act like a girl, dress like a girl, even have the body of a girl.  Of course, I will never have those things either.  But those things are all superficial.  Yes, they count, but they are things that can change, things that are just...on the surface.  But my friends will never accept me as a girl.  Even if you say you would, you wouldn't =really= treat me the same way.  And even if you did, I still wouldn't be a girl then, either.  Because I won't know what it feels like to be a girl.  Even if I could magically transform, I'd still be a boy inside a girl's body.

It's funny, because I used to think I was a girl inside a boy's body.  But I'm not.  Because I'll never know what it feels like.  I didn't grow up that way.  And I'm missing all of those experiences.  Everything will all be pretend, even if I tried.

And somehow, that seems so sad.  Why?  Is it just because all of my friends are girls?  Why is it that I'm stuck on the other side?  Like I'm on the other side of a glass pane, and all I can do is watch everyone, and pretend that I'm in their world, but I will never be able to play with them.  Do other people feel this way?  I'm sure there are -girls- who feel this way too, actually.  Isn't boy supposed to be the superior race anyways?  Why is it that it feels so bad to be one?  Aren't we supposed to be more powerful, more priviledged, more successful, more everything?  Why is it that it seems like all that does is instill everyone with a sense of insecurity?  Security?  Is anyone really secure about themselves?  And if they are, wouldn't they just be seen as arrogant and conceited?

Do boys even feel a sense of kinship with each other?  It must be so sad, to be a boy.  Would I know?  I'm not sure.  I don't even know if I am one, after all.  Sometimes it feels like I got the best of both.  Other times it feels like I got nothing at all.

Why can I never be on the same side?  Did you know?  I have a new role model in my life.  That's something I haven't had since way back in my childhood, when I would look up to my brother.  But you know?  I'll never be like my role model.  How can I be, when there's such a basic difference?  I'll always be one of "them".  Why can't I celebrate differences?  What's there to love about myself?

I'll never be like you.  But you know, you'll never know what it feels like either.  Why does that seem so unfair?  Why is it that my end of the stick seems shorter?  It's not right for me to feel like that, is it?


  1. Hmmm. This post really made me think. I think the key to all your other questions lies in the answer to these: What does it really mean to be a girl? Or a boy? Of course there are sexual differences, but it sounds like you are desiring more than just those (or maybe I'm wrong). What do you feel that you are missing as your current self, that you feel like you would gain as a girl?

    1. I don't know if I would actually gain it. I think I'm separating myself in my own little world away from everyone else and thinking that somehow I can't reach them. But they're right there, and are happy to talk with me and play with me if only I would tap them on the shoulder.

      My role model told me too. And I know that she's right. Just have to not be afraid anymore. There's no better or worse, because the reason they spend time with me is because I'm me.

    2. I completely agree with your role model. :)