Monday, June 17, 2013


I wonder if the sense of peace and security that I had with me last year was a false one.  Of course, many things have changed, both around myself and within myself, but, what is there that has =really= changed?  Life is ever-changing, ever-uncertain, and we are powerless against it.  Everything is ephemeral, no matter how hard you try to hang onto it. it?  I think I need to half believe that, and half not believe it at the same time.  I need to accept it, because it happens, and I need to deal with it when it does.  But I need to stand up against it too, just because that's how I am.  If I truly believed that it doesn't matter how hard you hang onto things, that just invalidates everything about how I do things, doesn't it?  Why do I try so hard?

Even if it was a false sense of security, though, maybe it's better to delude myself.  It's contradictory, because I've always believed that ignorance is bliss, but at the same time always believed in honesty as well.  I guess true ignorance isn't under your own control.  Could I hide something from someone I cared about, to make them feel better?  I think that's very hard for me.  I think it's important for me to be true to others...true in that I'm showing them me--all of me.  Yes...that's important to me, and other people have commented on it as well.  That's one of the things that makes me who I am.

How else can we live, in the face of so, so, so many things, unless we simply stop thinking about them, or at least, put them to rest, so that we can focus on the things that will actually allow us to live our lives in a positive and happy way?  There are so many things.  It's too much.  Even -one- thing can be too much.  Too big.

But I wouldn't have it any other way, I guess.  Would I?

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