I seem not to be "actively" working on getting better, but sometimes that's not really what it takes anyways, wouldn't you say?

I've known since the passing of the year that I've been a bit lost, but I'm not sure if frantically swimming in any given direction is going to really help things at all.  Right now it doesn't even really feel like I've "agency" over who I am, if that makes sense.  Which both feels true, but also very weird to say as I feel like I've always had very deliberate thoughts about how I present myself.  Maybe it's a sort of frustration over how I have goals of presenting myself in certain ways and then seem to not be following through on them (lack of followthrough is another bizarre feeling).  I keep telling myself that I'll be more like Sayuri, talk more like Sayuri, but somehow it never happens.  Why?  Is it just because I'm incapable?  In a way, maybe, but like, also, I don't really think that's it, is it?  I'm sure it just takes practice, and concentration, and maybe perseverence.

I'm thankful for white tea, at least.  There are usually a few things in my life that stabilize and remind myself of my own throughline, the fact that I am still me, that certain things I can't deny.  White tea has been one of those, for sure; white tea of almost all forms, really.  I look around and my room has changed...is it for the better?  I can tell that I'm a little scattered because my room hints of that, too.  It's not a mess, not at all, but I can tell there's a bit there.  I know the signs.

Perhaps, even though part of me doesn't think it will help, and part of me is afraid of what I will or won't find, perhaps it's time for me to reconnect with my past again.  To commune with what came before, imagine what a past version of myself was like.  "If I can act the way I once did, maybe I can feel the way I once did".  I know that's not really how it works, but also, that never stopped me before, did it?

"You said that this world is too terrible, making you want to escape
With red eyes you cried, then smiled, saying you don't want anything"

It's interesting, I think it's easy for me to read it first as "I don't want anything", meaning I'm okay the way things are, I don't need anything more, or perhaps more accurately, I'm afraid to want or ask for anything.  But maybe "I don't want anything" means that out of all the things, none of them could really make you happy, because that's how "terrible" the world is.  That's not true, of course, there's a lot of things that I want, value, and keep close to my heart.  But somehow, the sentiment still resonates with me.  I think I am tired of disappointment; the amount of hopes that I have carried with me has been less as a result.

Paradoxically, sometimes in the midst of emptiness it is the silence of solitude that can most profoundly remind me of who I am.  I'm not sure though.  Is that just "what I settled for", or is that really the truth of what I always needed in those moments?  To walk outside of that door, listen to the sound of the fountain, and peer at the stars in the night sky.

I am tired.  I know so because of the way I think about things that I could be doing.  Ironically, perhaps this "tiredness" also contributes toward a reluctance to move toward sleep.  What is there about the next day that might or might not be better than this one?  Why should I chase the blue fish, when it will simply disappear in the end?  Is it really that different??  Staring at the cold, empty galaxy of flowers, and standing in the midst of all those fish who become those flowers.

Brief interlude to talk about videogames, I guess.  I finished another level in the Augustus Reconquered campaign!  This one is Tingus.  Here's my full city screenshot (I'm exporting high quality shots now, also hopefully smaller to download than that last one I posted):

 

In contrast to the last map, I feel like I played this one quite well!  Yes, I made some mistakes along the way (I accidentally connected different parts of my city using a highway, didn't set up my docks efficiently, and once or twice realized that I had an entire industry nonfunctioning because of some thing I forgot about), but I managed to diagnose and fix most of them.  I was having a tiny bit of labor shortage toward the end, but luckily I finished the map before it really got too bad.  Pretty proud of the palace block too, 10 orderly 3x3 palaces and I even managed to evolve a 4x4 one as well.

The next map just looks completely wild and I'm quite intimidated by the terrain layout, so we'll see how I manage with that one.  It'll be a good challenge, that's for sure.

Oh, I also finally put up all of the GT basement content up on my ALTTPR site, so that's another big accomplishment down for me...go me.

Perhaps the next big thing that I'd like to work toward that's on my mind is the ah..."update" that I've been meaning to do for the Rhythm Quest discord server.  It's actually been quite a while since I had that idea!  I know because I was talking about it with someone at Fanime last year and that was what, 7 months ago?  Sheesh.  Well, it hasn't exactly been a priority at all so far, but it seems that it's becoming something that I now want to take care of sooner rather than later.  There are a few initial steps that I want to have in place, so those will come first, but once I have those down and ready, it's just a matter of pulling the trigger.

The fact that I'm writing these things, at least, is familiar.  And familiar is still good...