Sometimes you relax and then you feel energized, other times you relax and then you feel tired.  Life's not always kind, but like...I guess I'm not, either?

But separate from all of that, there is a loss to be grieved, a loss of something that I never really had in the first place.  I don't really know how I feel about it yet.  It is simultaneously something that wasn't important at all to me that I lost, but also something that seems like my world revolves around it.  I think the things that come to my mind when I think about my loss, is "do I really want to cling to this, too?"

I know that I lost my anchor already, so I may as well continue to drift in one direction or another.

I wrote that a year ago.  What exactly was it that I was writing about?  I can guess, but perhaps not know for certain.  I don't think it was something as concrete as you might guess, but something more abstract.  Maybe a loss of a certain way that I thought I was, but perhaps never could be.

"I know that I lost my anchor already, so I may as well continue to drift".  I...wonder how I feel about that, now.  It's true, that I lost something.  That much I know for certain.  But perhaps the thing that was keeping me bound to safety was not really that thing after all.  "My anchor".  Hasn't that always been something a little different than what I was talking about?  Lately I've started to realize it.  That I'm fiercely resistant to people telling me what to do, how to live my life.  Even when I end up adopting their ways, it always has to be under my own terms, at my own pace, under my own volition.  And maybe the only true company that I =truly= keep consistently are those things that I can never reach.  The night sky, the quiet gurgling of the fountain, the steady ticking of the clock, and -- at one time -- my twin star.

There is a strength and a sadness from finding your love in yourself.  I don't think it's a bad thing, it's not like self-love is mutually exclusive with love from others.  But sometimes self-care can only be symptomatic.

I deserve a rest...