But even though hardship can trigger new growth, it is not the hardship itself that spurs on the change, is it?  Maybe sometimes, but I want to believe in a better world, one where we can be mindful of improvement without having to also face adversity.  Like my world of ALTTPR where I simply play casual weekly async seeds and do my own research.  Like every week when I simply do a musical sketch for One Hour Compo.  Why does pain need to be a part of the process at all?

Sometimes, though, the harshness of reality must be confronted.  We come face to face with our faults, our flaws, and everything that we thought we once understood but really had no idea about.  I thought at one point that I was doing all of these pretty-haired girls a favor by offering gifts and letters.  Like No-Face, as Kiki once told me.

"I do think there are people like him everywhere, people who want to glom on to someone but have no sense of self."

Who is it that was once worthy of love, and are they still worthy in the same way?  What is it that I should reach for, and use to ground myself?  Should I still cultivate the image of the Chihayaburu, the spinning top?  Or must there be another image, as well?

Even the things that I used to take solace in, in remembering "ah yes, I am still me after all", are beginning to fade.  What if my metamorphosis results in a loss, as it must always?  Is it right to become "Timmie" from "Timm[ie]"?  What would Sayuri think, if she was here?

I guess it's no wonder that I'm so good at being alone when I've had so much practice with it.  I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way, I really mean the act of enjoying time alone by oneself.  Perhaps that is yet another reason why being alone has always been centering for me, in the same way that my confidence in writing music rarely wavers, even though I am past the point where I think that everything I do is the best thing ever.

But even in all of my uncertainty, I feel that there =is= an image that I will be happy to don.  One that embodies not just silence and grace, but perhaps gentle care as well.  It's a visage, but an important one.  I don't know if it's really something that's natural for me to do, but if I can believe in it, that's enough for me.