Sometimes I wonder if it was my destiny to be a boy, despite it all.  I mean, of course, sometimes I also wonder if in another world, it was my destiny to actually become Sayuri in the end.  Or maybe even in this world.  But then something went askew somewhere along the way.  We don't really live in that world.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

But like I said, I also think sometimes, about whether I was always supposed to be a boy all along.  A shallow reading of it would be something like how I'm supposed to serve as this example for others or whatever.  But I don't think that explains the destiny thing.  And I honestly don't...think I serve as an example for others.  Just the impression I get, other people don't seem to want to be like me.  Which doesn't really bother me, I mean, if I wanted to do the same thing as other people, we wouldn't be anywhere near where we are now, right?

But I think it goes deeper than that, too.  Of course, being a girl would feel like "reclaiming a part of myself", but in another way, being a girl would also feel like succumbing to pressure.  It would mean giving up something as well, and I don't just mean the obvious things.

In the same way, that I think it's important for me to "pass up on opportunities", to not speak up, to not approach people, to sit there and wait, to be quiet, I think it's always been important for me to do things my own way, to be true to myself.  It's not just that I'm trying to be contrarian, but rather, it almost feels like being a girl is, for me, the easy way out (even though it's really the harder way in most ways...).  It's a means of running away, maybe.  Or at the very least, giving up on something.  Giving up on the hope that maybe Sayuri is not the only one who could be beautiful.

Yeah, I'll never be my idol.  Maybe I'll never live with the stars.  But the life I have here in the tower isn't so bad, is it?  Just a bit lonely, waiting all of these years.  Well, I guess I'll just keep on waiting.