Finding myself in a little bit of a mild depressive funk, I took the opportunity to hole up in my room and watch through pretty much all of Makoto Sawatari's arc. The 2006 adaptation of Kanon really gives Makoto's arc a lot of attention. She's introduced at the very end of episode 2 (around a similar time as most of the other characters), but since she's the first character to be explored in-depth (and moves into Akiko and Nayuki's place as a stranger), there's a bit more focus around her in some of the subsequent episodes despite attempts to balance that out by advancing the other girls' stories as well. Things start to "get real" with Makoto near the end of episode 6 when Mai drops some ominous foreshadowing, and her arc begins "proper" with episode 7. Before diving into Makoto's development (and spoilers), I did want to make some general thoughts I had as I reacquainted myself with the world of Kanon. Every episode thus far starts with a narration, presumably the voice of [redacted], making some vague comments about dreaming, snow, time being stopped, and things like this. If you're already familiar with the story of Kanon, you'll understand the literal meaning that these words are alluding to, and this is one area where things are a little more clear upon second watch. If you know, you know. I found it especially surprising that the very first episode starts with some rather dark prose, after the OP credits roll: A dream...I'm seeing a dream. The dream I see every day. The endless dream. Red snow. The world stained in red. A small, crying child blocking the red sky. I wanted to wipe away his tears, at least. But my hands wouldn't move, and the tears trailing down his cheeks soaked into the snow, and...all I could do was watch. It was so painful, and so sad. It'll be okay. So don't cry. "It's a promise." I wonder whose words those were. The dream starts to fade to a different color. Yes. It's a promise, okay? Like, whoa. I didn't remember this at all. But I think it serves to set up this theme of powerlessness in the face of loss. "...all I could do was watch." I think a lot of the anime explores this feeling. What DO we have the power to do when we are faced with loss, and how should we respond in the face of it? Moving on, we have Aizawa Yuuichi, our protagonist... He's a bit of an interesting fellow. A little bit more of a jerk than I remembered, probably because I was probably just less sensitive to those sorts of things 10+ years ago (read: I was probably more of a jerk too, just in a different way). While his prankster/smartass-type attitude works well for putting the girls (basically, his "harem") into cute situations, I do feel like this is a known complaint of Kanon, that Yuuichi is a bit too unlikable. From what I remember, though, I do feel like he does start to mature, starting to be a little less apathetic and careless with his emotions as time goes on. Makoto's arc, then, is definitely the beginning of this change. Yuuichi, like Makoto, suffers from amnesia, but unlike Makoto, the amnesia is selective -- he remembers Nayuki well enough, but there's some sort of strange memory block around...well, a lot of other significant events that happened 7 years ago. On a surface level, this is easy to understand as "repressed emotions/memories", but I think this begs the question, =why= did Yuuichi blot out these emotions and memories in the first place instead of confronting them? Was it a conscious choice or was it simply a trauma response? The opening monologues about "being stuck in a dream" of course mainly talking about [redacted], but I think they also follow along with Yuuichi's general predicament of being "stuck" in life. He functions well enough on a day-to-day basis, but you can tell that he has some emotional baggage, and isn't really connecting with anyone much beyond teasing and making fun of them. I do think that when we have undigested emotions, it can lead to us getting "stuck" in this way. That's why therapy can be important for many people; it helps us spend time sitting with those emotions. Not necessarily so that we can "confront" them as in battle them and "get over them", but just so that we can recognize them fully, so that we can be more present in life, instead of living our days "like we are dreaming". This I think is the real significance of these opening "dream monologues". Back to Makoto (and into spoiler territory). She's presented as the "tsundere" type among the girls, having a mean streak and generally denying all claims of honest emotions (and more), but eventually softening up. This type of character usually irks me a bit, but Makoto's case is different, because...Makoto is meowmie. I feel like Makoto's character is really unique because she can't just be summed up by the tsundere trope. In all of her initial interactions where she hates Yuuichi's guts, sure, but I feel like most tsundere characters just end up getting to a point where they still get really defensive about their emotions, but manage to acknowledge their affection / emotions in sort of an off-handed way. Makoto, on the other hand, really does a 180, and completely changes. She becomes happy, clingy, weak, frail. This is another area of Kanon where I feel like knowing how the story goes makes things a lot more poignant. I feel like on first viewing, it's easy to just watch Makoto and Yuuichi's interactions and write them off as playful comedic nonsense. Maybe this is just my bias (if you couldn't tell, Makoto is my favorite character in Kanon), but knowing what happens to Makoto in the end, I think it changes my perspective on things a little bit, in a way that's fittingly appropriate to the Makoto's overall themes. It makes me happy to see Makoto being energetic, even if she's being a brat. When you know someone is going to disappear, how does it change your interactions with them? How does it change how you see them? How you love them? I've lost people in my life before, but the only times that I've ever truly had to say goodbye to someone that I was close with have been with animals. Having this experience in my life really gives me another layer of appreciation for the latter part of Makoto's story, which really focuses on Yuuichi and everyone else spending time with her as her existence fades away. Here we can see the beginnings of not-a-jerk Yuuichi as he tries his hardest to make sure that Makoto lives out her remaining days in happiness. Something that I thought was really interesting was the scene on Monomi hill where Makoto starts to realize the truth behind who she is, and Yuuichi shouts at her to "Don't remember!" I think that on a surface level, this is about a fear that the "magic will be broken" if Makoto realizes who she is, and Yuuichi doesn't want that to happen. But I think it's a little deeper than that -- Yuuichi just doesn't want things to change right now. Being confronted by the impending loss of Makoto, whom he basically considers to be family by now, he just wants things to stay the same. This, of course, is a choice that Yuuichi has. If it was someone else in this same situation, they may have thought it more important that they express everything honestly. To apologize for leaving Makoto (as a fox) behind all of those years ago. I think to some people that apology would be extremely important. After all, Makoto-meowmie essentially sacrificed her life and memories to come back because of that betrayal, right? Realizing the truth of the matter, wouldn't you want to apologize? But no, Yuuichi decides that the truth isn't important right now, and instead that he'd rather just see Makoto happy. And that is his own personal way of atoning for the guilt, regret, and sadness that he experienced in the past. That path is just as valid as any, and it's especially true in the case of animals, where we often can't communicate nuances such as beliefs, apologies, and such. All we can do is try to share our time and emotions with them. We ask ourselves both, what would make them happy, and what would make us less sad. The answer is different for everyone. Something else that's interesting that I don't think I really "got" fully on my first watch is the importance of Piroshiki the cat, in Makoto's arc. There's this scene that comes sort of out-of-the-blue where Makoto, after warming up to Piroshiki, drops the meowmie off of a bridge (!) (luckily, she ends up okay). Of course, this is referencing the way that Makoto (subconsciously?) feels like she was tossed aside years ago by Yuuichi. Afterwards, Makoto and Yuuichi break into an argument, with Makoto arguing that "It'll manage somehow", but Yuuichi demanding to know why she acts so irresponsible, saying "It could end up who-knows-where and die!" This is probably the first time that Yuuichi is seriously angry at Makoto, which interestingly enough is conveyed by the fact that he =doesn't= hit her, but instead holds back his arm. At the time, it hasn't been revealed who Makoto really is yet, so I think the scene is a little confusing. The original visual novel foreshadows this in a more direct way, reading like this (emphasis is mine): Yuuichi: "Really. It'd be better to take him home with us." In both instances Yuuichi delivers the line "Crying isn't going to bring it back!", which if you know what happens later, is a bit of fateful irony. This scene I think is weirdly flawed, I think dropping Piroshiki crosses a line that probably draws more ire than intended for Makoto (already a bratty character up until this point), and while there are a lot of subtle hints toward Makoto being animal-like in her true nature, I think the requisite context isn't quite there for the dialogue to land effectively, especially in the anime adaptation where it's a little less direct. On first watch I think the scene at best just lends itself to Makoto being bitter at being abandoned in the past (we already know that she has amnesia), but I think it loses its real meaning in the irony of Yuuichi scolding Makoto for letting go of Piroshiki. But the little mini arc of Piroshiki does effectively start to raise the question of what it means to "care" for an animal, and by extension, a loved one. In the next episode, Makoto happily feeds Piroshiki some cold milk, but the meowmie ends up with an upset stomach, which Yuuichi scolds her for, saying "Don't just fuss over her. Treat her with care." Yuuichi, of course, has to deal with this predicament himself, as Makoto quickly devolves to being incapable of much at all. Later we get this scene where Yuuichi forces a complaining Makoto to stand still while he helps her brush her teeth: I think I remember seeing this scene and thinking it was kinda just weird. Like I sort of got it, Makoto is devolving to basically be a little kid (not that she was very grown-up to begin with...?), and this is sort of a nod to caring for someone in that kind of way. But watching it again, this is much more evocative of the way that pet owners need to take care of their pets. (If only cats would sit still while you brush their teeth like this...) That just isn't an experience that I had had back then, but now...heck, I've used a toothbrush to clean my chickens' feet, so yeah, I get it now. With pets (and I guess, with children), you're often having to do things for their benefit that they don't exactly enjoy or appreciate. There's a sort of balance that needs to be had there, and that balance gets...tricky...when you know that somebody's life is coming to an end. While I think the core of Makoto's arc centers around "How do you share time with a loved one when you know they are going to disappear?", there are other themes that are touched upon too, like dealing with abandonment and a fear of someone disappearing. I think we've all been through some sort of abandonment in our lives; I think watching Makoto in both of her forms really evoked some strong emotions in me at what it felt like to be thrown away, or to have a loved one disappear from my life and not be able to find them. I think it's really interesting how viewing Makoto through the lens of a human being and viewing her through the lens of being a fox-meowmie can be different, and I think it's a really good emotional idea and execution to bring both of those feelings into this sort of story. Because I think when a girl says "Marry me, so we can always be together", that's sort of cliche or almost cringey, right? But when Kanon poses the question in a different way, "Do you wish that you can be together with your pet forever?" then you get a totally different emotional response. Because OF COURSE we all want to be with our loved pets forever, no questions about it. When we have interactions and relations with other humans, they often get bogged down by all sorts of history, conflicts, and emotional baggage, but oftentimes relationships with pets are simpler. They remind us of what is really important when it comes to connecting with each other. Episode 10 is where everything with Makoto's arc comes to a head, and an end. It's an episode that I remember really well because it has so many good moments. First, there's the scene where Amano meets Makoto. Amano, the girl who already experienced the same kind of loss in the past, and initially doesn't want to become friends with Makoto, for fear of getting hurt again. There's a "tiny miracle" of sorts when Makoto -- who at this point only makes weak animal-like noises -- is able to remember, and speak, both her own name, and that of Yuuichi. It's such a small and simple thing, but because Makoto is about to disappear, it holds special meaning in our hearts (or at least, it does in mine). And the rest of this episode is full of this kind of emotion, too. I found myself really tearing up as I watched Makoto spend her final happy days together with Yuuichi, Akiko, and Nayuki. As a ~20-year-old back in 2008 this photobooth scene in the visual novel got to me, because it spoke to the feeling of finally, finally having a desire for human connection fulfilled. The feeling of being with loved ones. Truth be told, I feel like it is only as recently as this year that I've been able to experience the exact feeling in the image above. “Of course. This is what she always does. Just stand there, looking
in, while others have fun. Waiting for everyone else to leave, and then
taking a lonely photo by herself. A photo she’d treasure; a picture of
a vision of loneliness.” “She has emotions still. Most of them may
be lost, but this can arouse joy still. Because she wanted this so
much. She’s been longing to do this for so long. All she’s wanted has
been to stand among a group. To bathe in the warmth and comfort of the
bonds of human relationships. This tiny, trivial thing has been her
fondest desire.” But I think these sort of scenes also remind us what of what is important in life. We don't always know when our loved ones will disappear. Why did it have to wait until now for Makoto to have this experience? And what is preventing us from creating these sorts of fond memories in our day to day lives? Particularly heartbreaking is the scene where Akiko-san says bye to Makoto and then starts crying, presumably because she knows she probably won't ever see her again. There's a part of me that realizes that these happy experiences are only made more meaningful by the tragic backstory -- that's the whole setup of the "crying game", after all. It feels extra poignant that Makoto is getting her warm fuzzy memories because we know that seven years ago she was abandoned up on that hill and cried out. In a way, these happy memories are Yuuichi's way, and our way, of trying to make up for that time. One might ask whether Makoto "deserves" this happiness. She was a total brat for 5+ episodes, after all! Isn't it a little messed up to get this sort of emotional satisfaction just because we feel bad for a wrongdoing to her in the past? First, I don't think it's right to say who "deserves" or doesn't deserve happiness or love. Of course, I think it is important for us to be very conscious about love and relationships, but I also think that it's essential for us to believe that love is not "deserved" or "earned". That we are "enough", even without having to do anything special besides be ourselves. But more importantly, when it comes to end-of-life, part of the whole deal is that the bereaved are the ones who are going to have to live on and carry on the emotional feelings and consequences of what happens. Of course, Yuuichi and co are doing what they think is going to make Makoto happy. But they are also making the decision that they think they will be able to live with as they continue on with their lives. Living without regrets -- this means different things for different people. When Amano says "If there is something she wants, please let it happen for her", she also implicitly means "If there is something you feel like you should do with her, please do it". Surprisingly, I didn't find myself breaking down and bawling during Makoto's final moments. Perhaps that is because I already remembered that scene extremely well, so I already knew exactly what was coming. In that way, it seemed more like a formality that needed to be gone through. Perhaps when I witness a loved one passing in front of me, it will be similar. The actual grief and emotions will come not at that moment, but in all of the other small moments that happen along the way, and after the fact. Makoto's story is, in a way, rife with what you might call "suffering/emotion porn", drawing you into a tragic situation to make you feel emotions for her. ...but it's also so much more than that. It asks us to think about our loved ones, and our pets, and consider how we should be caring for them, not just at the end of their lives, but at every moment along the way. It makes us wish that we could be together with them forever, while realizing that we never can. Makoto is a bratty tsundere. Her main outfit isn't remarkable. Honestly, it's hard to consider picking her out as a favorite upon first meeting all of the characters in Kanon, and I think the first half of her arc is a bit too one-note before her character starts to change. On my first watch, I think her story only resonated with me because I felt a kinship in her weak frail state -- as someone who regularly "lost the ability to speak", and found myself to shy to step forward into social interactions (like at the photo booth). But somehow, my appreciation for Makoto is so much deeper this time. (Would you expect any less, from a co-creator of "Goodnight Meowmie"?) While her story is fantastical, it somehow feels extremely grounded in real experiences for me. The time that Yuuichi sits with Makoto on the hill during her last moments, simply ringing the bells on her wrist and talking to her. Just being with her in the very end. I once sat with a loved one of mine, in the hospital, a year ago. Just the two of us, in the room together, knowing that it would be the last time that I ever saw her. I wrote this about it: I don't know if it made any difference, that I was able to see her one
last time. I don't know if she remembered me, if she remembered the
song that I sang to her, remembered the song that I played for her. I
don't know if she felt glad, if she felt at peace, if she felt in pain,
if she simply felt tired. Of course, I would like to think that she
remembered. That she looked at me, and she knew that I had come back
for her. That I still loved her, and that she still loved me. I don't know how differently it would have felt, not being able to
see her like this. Would it have
hurt just as much? Less? More? For completeness' sake I should mention that there's a different reading of Makoto's arc as being tied to the idea of how to face mental debilitation in our loved ones -- how do we care for and interact with those who are important to us when they can't effectively communicate with us effectively anymore? While I think this is a pretty valid theme analysis of Makoto's story, it resonates less with me personally than what I've already talked about. Maybe it's disrespectful of me, but I feel like I see just as much importance in Makoto being a fox-meowmie as I do in her taking the form of a human (probably just my bias toward the past...). I think because of this it's easier for me to see Makoto's "auu..." self as being more true to her natural form, when compared to her bratty tsundere persona, which doesn't match how she initially was as a fox. So when Makoto reverts to being more fox-like, it's hard for me to read it under the lens of her personality "disappearing", it feels like being happy together with Yuuichi like siblings or family (like they were when she was an injured fox) is really her true self. That's why I feel like her tsundere-phase went on for perhaps a bit too long (though it's better for comedic pacing), I feel like the only reason she was that way was because she was still angry at being abandoned and Yuuichi was being thick-headed and didn't have a clue. Well, that was a lot, but I have a lot of feelings about Makoto! Don't expect this amount of writing for all of the other characters in Kanon, I think hopefelly there will be a lot less.
*gulp*
"Animals are thrown away when they're no longer wanted. Don't you think so? [...] We should send it back to the wild before it gets used to an easy life at home."
Yuuichi: "If he has somewhere else to live, he'll just go back there anyway. And if he doesn't we can keep him."
Yuuichi: "I'm sure Akiko-san won't mind."
Makoto: "That's cruel, taking a wild animal and turning it into a pet!"
Makoto: "We've got to send him back to the countryside."
Yuuichi: "You're the wild one..."
Yuuichi: "Besides, he isn't a wild animal."
That he's been cared for by people is clear from the way he's instantly become attached to Makoto.
Yuuichi: "You can't just leave him, it's too dangerous."
Yuuichi: "Don't you think you should be taking care of him, not threatening him?"
A mother's intuition...
Sometimes it's the happiest scenes that bring tears. 
</3
Friday, December 29, 2023
Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 2: Makoto
Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 1: Intro
I decided to take some time this holiday season to rewatch the 2006 Kyoani anime adaptation of Kanon. I wanted to write down my thoughts as I go through each arc of the story, to help me process and think about it a little more deeply. I first watched this anime in 2008 -- though I had previously watched the Toei adaptation (released in 2002). I had not played through the original visual novel until afterwards in 2010. It's been a while since I seriously thought about Kanon, but it definitely left an impact on me as a standout anime during a time when admittedly the standard for what passed as "good" was much lower (both for me personally, and probably for everyone as a whole). This rewatch was motivated by a confluence of different things -- a conversation with a friend, along with a viewing of a video essay entitled "Memories & Grief in Kanon", as well as the subject matter of my latest pixel artwork, which was drawn by referencing a scene from Kanon: The aforementioned video essay really piqued my curiosity as to how I would approach Kanon upon second watch, especially as I've gone through some very significant and impactful life experiences since then, resulting in less of a one-note understanding of grief, loss, and these types of things. Amelie Doree says in their video's premise: The major theme of Kanon as I see it, is grief. The pain of losing friends and family, of things coming to an end. The regret we carry with us from our past, and how we choose to cope with all of it. What do we do when someone we love is going to pass away? How do we hide our pain and our scars, and should we even hide them? Should we just forget about everything that's hurt us and what happens when we do? Kanon as a game (and anime) is structured as a "nakige" or "crying game", attempting to present endearing characters and then formulate emotional or tragic situations around them. From Wikipedia: The developers at Tactics created a simple formula for a game: a comedic
first half with a heart-warming romantic middle followed by a tragic
separation and finally an emotional reunion formed what is known as a
"crying game". The main purpose of such a game is to make the player
feel for the characters and make them cry due to emotional scenarios
which serves to leave a bigger impact on the player after the game is
over. Kanon has always been my favorite of the three Key VNs (Air, Kanon, and Clannad); I think some of its characters, stories, and situations really stuck with me. I've long since moved on from praising it as my favorite anime, or holding strong attachments to its characters, but I'm curious to see how I'll see it this time around, with a new perspective after 10+ years. Of course, I can't really write about the major themes and points of the show without going into spoilers, so proceed at your own risk for the rest of these posts. I won't be doing a per-episode play-by-play, but instead will stop to parse my thoughts after each of the major arcs in the anime. I'll start with the intro and Makoto's arc, which I've just finished (spanning episodes 1-10 out of 24).
Saturday, December 23, 2023
Monday, December 18, 2023
Sand Castles (2)
At the same time, I feel like it is essential, vital, even, for me to be close to people, even if only a select few. Because it is that closeness that allows me to more readily open myself up to other viewpoints. And it is shared vulnerability that allows us to gently remind each other that we cannot always understand others through our own tinted lenses. Loving someone who lives their life in a different way than you, is something that can cause you the sort of existential crisis that both reminds you of who you are while at the same time teaching you about who you could be. That is not to say that you need to love someone who lives in a particularly different way than you, because each and every being in this world lives differently. "Why?" You asked me this once. Since then, I feel like I understand the answers more and more. But I also understand now, that I have a choice. I used to despair, because I felt like the only thing I could do in life was to build something and then watch it get torn down, grieve, and then do the same thing over and over again. And no matter how much thought and care I put into building that perfect castle, the ceaseless waves would always come and erode it before my eyes. I still build those castles, in the sand. It's important to me. But I've also come to realize that there are other things that are also important to me. That blue fish in the water that captured my heart so much that I cried when it disappeared. The sound of the stream, steadily trickling. The stillness of a lake undisturbed. The quietness that can only belong to the night air. We are all building our own sand castles. But it's not the reason we are here.
Sunday, December 17, 2023
It's not really a good practice, I feel, to prop up your own ego by seeing yourself as superior to others. Self-worth drawn from comparison just doesn't seem like something that is healthy. But I think sometimes it can be healthy to come up against opposing viewpoints for the sole purpose of realizing that you so vehemently believe that they are wrong. Sometimes it strengthens your convictions to be told something that you already know in your heart, beyond a doubt, is not right for you.
Friday, December 15, 2023
Earlier this year in the spring I went through a phase where I was really holding conflicting emotions that were valid all at the same time. Having both positive and negative feeling about something and having both be justified. Maybe it's the same recently, too. ===== I got the main bulk of my Christmas stuff done! I don't know if I will play Santa this year, there are just a few deliveries to do but mostly it's just a matter of waiting for things to ship, both from and to me. I'm glad to have mostly pulled it off successfully despite starting so late. ===== Rhythm Quest dev work has been taking a bit of a lull because I've been occupied with that, and other stuff, but I'm still chugging along here and there, as I always try to do. I released a patch update the other day and been continuing to work here and there on custom levels and bugfixes. ===== I play Gran Turismo 4 here and there, it's fun, though I feel like I'd be so much more terrible without abusing save-states. I think it's not just the steering wheel, but the physics in the game are more punishing than in GT3 I think, the tuning and handling of the cars tends to make them just harder to turn in general, so careful attention must be given to how the cars are tuned otherwise it's really hard to get through the corners (and sometimes just gentle curves) well. ===== I finally hit sub-50 in Super Metroid! I had a run which seemed totally botched, but I picked up the pieces and tried to clutch together a PB -- it ended up being enough for a 49:45. I can definitely do better with this route (KPDR), so I might give it a handful more tries so that I can put together a slightly cleaner run, but past that it might be time to start looking at Phantoon-first routes and seeing if I can manage those. ===== I bought a Womier SK-71 to be given as a gift. It's actually super nice; it makes me excited to get my next two (wait...when did I order so many) keyboards. Overall it's solidly built -- it's aluminum and the stock stabilizers are actually great which is a welcome change from the keyboards I've been using up until this point. It sounds nice, too, and comes in a nice blue color. ===== I have a lot to be thinking about, I guess, this weekend and beyond. I feel happy and bad and glad and sad. It's hard for me, though, to put aside the nagging feeling that I've just been selfishly ruining things left and right over time, just a pattern that I see. Of course, maybe it's just confirmation bias, like of course your mistakes are going to stand out more than all of the times when you just did okay, just like how it always stands out when you have to put away somebody else's dishes but you don't really think about the times when that happened for you because you weren't there to notice it. Of course, even if it was a pattern, it's not like there is really anything to do from that information; I think I am fortunately past the point where I simply use that information to conclude that I'm a royal @#$!-up and am just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. But it's frustrating to see myself fall victim to the same ignorance multiple times. I think if it was something more like "being too self-deprecating" or "not strong enough to face vulnerability" I think it would be easier for me to stomach, you know? But no, this is something more just like I was just thinking about myself and disregarded what other people might be thinking and feeling. I mean, it is not like that never happened to me or other people before. I'm used to being someone who quietly notices things; like when I was at a dinner get-together and one person in our group was too excitedly ordering things and didn't leave much room for our guests to have enough of a say. But somehow there's certain things where I just screwed up a lot. It's really not that good. I went diving back into my time capsules to search for some tranquility from the past and this time the past reminded me of other times when I was immature and didn't know how to deal with situations properly -_-. Well, somehow, that doesn't really dissuade or discourage me from continuing to look back for comfort. Maybe history repeats itself sometimes, even if we fail in the same ways, at the very least it means that we will continue to learn each time, and be reminded that even though we made mistakes, things turned out okay in the end. Sometimes I think about the mistakes I've made over the years. Just all sorts of little and big ones alike. There are some mistakes that I've been able to absolve myself for, because frankly, they were mistakes that I don't blame myself for in the slightest. "Forced errors", you could call them. I was put into a situation where it was all but understandable that I would fail. Marching band was one of those times. I did a lot of stupid things, but even stupider was the fact that the situation I found myself in set me up for failure. Given the circumstances, I performed really well -- though, I seemed to have come away with more trauma than some of my other contemporaries. Earlier this year, too. It's not really that it was "not my fault" or anything like that, but I feel like I empathize with my past self in a way that, I would forgive them for not knowing how to come out of a painful situation with no losses. Sometimes I end up forgiving myself because "I was too young" or "I didn't know better". A lot of my earlier social interactions go into that placing. Yeah, what I did really wasn't good. But I still needed time to learn those lessons, and did not have the best of teachers on my side (to put it lightly). There are even some really big mistakes that I made in the past that I think I can forgive myself for. I don't know if it is all of them, though. Sometimes I look at what happened and it's hard to not just come to the conclusion, "you should have known better". I guess that is still something that can be treated with forgiveness, though. Like I said in the beginning, sometimes you can carry two conflicting emotions at the same time. It is accepting the lack and futility of perfection that allows us to confront our mistakes and begin to grow toward becoming something better than before. In the past when I used to think more about self-rejection and worthlessness, I think it often made me feel that I need to try and accept others more readily, so that I can also learn that myself is worth accepting. That I cannot stop judging myself unless I also learn to stop judging others. Maybe when I make mistakes like this, it is not merely a reminder of the responsibility I have toward others, but also a reminder to accept the mistakes of others. That forgiveness, like acceptance, is something that might also need to be given in order to be received. ===== But separate from all of that, there is a loss to be grieved, a loss of something that I never really had in the first place. I don't really know how I feel about it yet. It is simultaneously something that wasn't important at all to me that I lost, but also something that seems like my world revolves around it. I think the things that come to my mind when I think about my loss, is "do I really want to cling to this, too?" After looking for Kiki's shadow for 10 years, I am not only wary but also weary. But I feel like =hope=, =love=, and =faith= are the only things that are strong enough to remind me that there is still light in the darkness, if I will just keep on continuing to walk forward. Even in those times before when I found myself in the clutches of despair, those things still reminded me to find the next light. I'm no longer in those clutches anymore, but I find myself, again, being gently pulled forward by a voice, telling me that wandering through the dark is still worthwhile. I know that I lost my anchor already, so I may as well continue to drift in one direction or another. ===== Edit: I realize that a lot of my more thoughtful posts sound really depressing -_-. I'm actually doing fine, of course I'm having a downer of a week, but the things I said about hope, love, and faith are still in my mind. It's going to be ok.
Thursday, December 7, 2023
I got my covid booster yesterday; thankfully the side effects didn't seem to be too bad for me this time and I was actually more or less fully functional today. I had the day off work, so I just did a mix of chores, cooking, some letter writing, Rhythm Quest work, DDR, and some games.
I'm still playing Gran Turismo 4, starting to get into the higher ranked races now, which means cash flow is a lot better in general when I go for those. Now that I have more money to throw around, I can afford more tuning on my cars, which in turn means the gaps in my tuning knowledge are starting to show. I've been abusing save states as I race around, so thankfully I can still win series just fine, but I definitely ran into some stability/steering issues and there were one or two races where admittedly I had to either play it very carefully or just spent portions of the race galloping across the grass because my suspension really wasn't doing the right thing. I think I maybe have been setting my springs to be too stiff and my ride height =too= low; luckily there is a very nice tuning guide that I've been taking some notes from, they also have a google doc cheatsheet with certified tunings for many of the cars in the game...
Super Metroid practice continues...it's funny that it took me not at all that long to come within a stone's throw of 50 minutes, but getting that sub-50 run is taking forever. It'll come though, for sure, but for now it's just all about having more practice so I can get better consistency, especially around the boss fights.
I finished watching Initial D (First Stage). It was enjoyable, but perhaps something I find myself thinking about an unexpected amount is the main character, Takumi Fujiwara. He's a sort of uncommon protagonist. You wouldn't think of it since he's got the whole plot armor thing going where he wins every race, so he might come across at first as that "natural genius" sort of character. I guess to some extent he is, but at the same time, his "apathy" really sets him apart. He's not some "super cool" type character who unleashes hidden powers, rather he has a genuine lack of interest in racing and the whole "scene" that his friends happen to be into.
And I think that's fascinating because to me it actually speaks of Takumi's maturity. It probably doesn't seem so to most, because I think from the outside it's easy to see Takumi and see a person who "hasn't figured it out" yet, in terms of he doesn't seem to know what he wants, doesn't get exicted about things, and is oblivious to a lot of the "car speak" that goes on. But on the contrary, Takumi is the only character in the series whose motivation comes purely internally. He doesn't get drawn into wanting to win races because "it's the cool thing to do", he merely considers things based on what he wants. It's easy to see this as aloofness because we come into watching Initial D as an audience who wants to care about racing cars and going fast, but honestly, I think it's a really big sign of maturity when you can avoid getting sucked into other people's opinions.
It's honestly something that I strive to do more often. When somebody makes an off-handed joke or a negative comment, it's so tempting to just laugh along because that's socially what you're "supposed to" do. But it really leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth when I think about it afterwards. If someone makes fun of me for not knowing something, should I feel ashamed? Should I defend myself? Or should I question why it's supposed to be funny and why I'm supposed to know the thing? A lot of the times when you hear these "jokes" they aren't actually funny. Honestly, I wish that I could learn how to take them straight-faced and question them more often.
And that is why I feel like Takumi is..."mature", more so than most of the other characters in the series. Sure, he's not the most communicative with his thoughts in general, but he's very honest with what he thinks, and he doesn't try to pretend to be anything he's not -- especially not to impress or fit in with others. I like that.
Before the last race in the series, Takumi is shown doing a lot of thinking, and while everyone else is wondering how he's going to try to win; what the strategies are going to be, Takumi's mind is somewhere else. "I wonder what will happen after this race?", he wonders. And I just don't think anyone else we see in the series has the maturity to think about that question. In their minds, winning equals good, and losing equals bad, so of course, you want to win. There are all of these imposed reasons like "pride", "legacy", "looking cool", and "proving yourself", but Takumi is thinking more about his life as a whole, and what racing means to him, or doesn't mean to him. And I think he understands that the true answers to those things are going to come from himself, and not anybody else.
I'm a little worried that if I watch the other seasons of Initial D that Takumi's character will just follow a very predictable development of slowly becoming more and more invested in racing and just find that he cares about it more and more. Which is fine, I mean, that's very sensible I guess. But I think that's only really satisfying if he finds interest in it for "the right reasons". Internally-motivated reasons.