A bit about Japan, and a bit about "looking back"

Getting to Japan itself was...a long ordeal, and a whole day of traveling.  I dealt with some somewhat-worrying setbacks the morning of my trip -- a power outage, no cell reception (fortunately I had scheduled my ride in advance), and an accident on the bridge, plus long lines at baggage check -- but everything worked out okay and it was onto my day of catching up on some letter-writing and videogames while in transit.

I did a full SMZ3 keysanity seed on the plane, which was fun...that took a good 4 hours, and is always hard to find time to do otherwise.  Also started on Mother 3, which has been enjoyable so far, and even played a little bit of Bomb Chicken.

So yeah, I had plenty to do.  Unfortunately the physical conditions and exhaustion of flying and travel/jetlag still ended up catching up with me and I was absolutely drained during the last legs of the trip on the trains.  After getting some food and drugs into my system, though (and a nice shower) I was feeling much better and I actually managed to get a great sleep schedule going here, which is what I thought might happen.

 

I spent my first full day in Japan at Sanrio Puroland, what you would call the mecca of Sanrio fans.  I had already been to Puroland twice before, so I don't know if I was really expecting a ton out of this third visit, but honestly it was still an amazing experience being there; this alone made the grueling trip overseas all worth it.

Puroland is always a little bigger than I remember, somehow.  I think because it's all indoors, it's easy to compare it to big theme parks like Disneyland or Great America or whatever and feel like it's really small in comparison.  Well, it probably is, but there really is still a lot to see in there.  I'm actually really astounded by the amount of detail that's in the interior of Puroland, like even in the far up background corners where nobody really normally looks there are still little background doodads and mini sculptures.  There are also entire exhibit areas that you wouldn't expect there -- there are a series of rooms that aren't themed around any of Sanrio's merch characters and are instead more "classic" children's amusement park fare with animatronics and such.  Those rooms make me think back to Sanrio's history as an animation studio (1977-1985).

I'm not sure if it's new or not, but there was a Wish Me Mell show that I got the the chance to see this time around!  I've always been a fan of Wish Me Mell, despite frequently omitting her from my "top listing" (Kiki&Lala, Cinnamoroll) -- her theme of writing letters and connecting to others despite being introverted (and her messenger bag!) really hit with me.  I had to keep myself from crying at some parts during her show ("Chance For You"), I think it was a really uplifting and encouraging energy for me.  I definitely became a bigger fan of Mell during this visit, and made sure to take home a few Mell merch items from the store.

I also caught the "Kawaii Kabuki" show, which was way more diverse of a performance than I thought it would be.  It was quite a mishmash of different styles, including some high-energy dancing, some more theater-style acting, and of course Cinnamoroll just being really cute.

This was the first time that I was able to be at Puroland with a friend and fellow fan and that definitely added to the experience.  I'm sure everyone's experience with Sanrio is a little bit different, but having someone else there to share the experience there was really lovely.  I often think back to "Hello Kitty Con" that I attended back in 2014 and how going there made me realize that my appreciation of Hello Kitty, and Sanrio in general, seemed very different than many of the other con-goers who were there.  Maybe this is partly a "Western vs. Eastern" appreciation of Sanrio...that event was still fun for me to attend, but if anything it made me feel more isolated in my appreciation of Sanrio rather than connected.  But this time at Puroland I didn't feel that way.  There were also so many pretty people there @_@ so many girls fully decked out in the cute character headbands, as well as Sanrio clothing (which let me tell you is not easy to find!).  I remember still how despicably plain and unpretty I looked the first time that I ever went to Puroland...I have since definitely both found a better style for myself as well as managed to collect some nice Sanrio clothing items too -- I went there with a Little Twin Stars mask, Cinnamoroll shirt, Pompompurin hoodie, and Little Twin Stars hair ribbon.

Somewhat surprisingly and somewhat unsurprisingly, I didn't actually buy a ton of stuff at Puroland this time.  Surprising, because I remember especially during my first visit, I spent so, so long at the main store, going back and forth and just putting more into my basket.  I don't really regret that or anything either; I've gotten some really nice stuff from Puroland specifically in the past.  But I think it's easier this time because I've already maxed out on some things, and am much more picky about what I actually want and need.  If I didn't already have a bunch of Cinnamoroll plushies, for example, I would have just wanted a ton...but I already have a few too many, to be perfectly honest.  Still, I did pick up a few items, including a replacement for my Little Twin Stars water bottle that is past its prime (I got a Cinnamoroll one this time, couldn't find a LTS one unfortunately), as well as a very nice Cinnamoroll laptop case, and of course some Wish Me Mell stuff :)

I was able to take some photos and do a short greet with Cinnamon and Pompompurin this time too!  That was a new experience, and very fun to go and see them in person and say hi and give them a little cute high five. <3  Overall I was honestly surprised by the amount of new experiences I was able to have at Puroland despite having already been there twice before.  I guess it helps that it's definitely been a number of years since the last time.

While waiting for the character boat ride, we were able to see and hear a little bit of the new(ish) show "Nakayoku Connect", which is more like a concert than a musical number, complete with lights and lasers everywhere.  Even though I was just on the sidelines, that was actually something great to see and feel, and I'm glad we happened to be in line at the time.  I think before I always felt like these shows and performances were really not my thing, that they were just people singing and dancing in costumes and more for little kids, but that really wasn't the case at all this time.  Watching Chance For You gave me a heartwarming feeling, watching Kawaii Kabuki was just fun and cute, and hearing/listening to Nakayoku Connect actually did give me a feeling of "uplifting togetherness".  Something about all of the lights scattered throughout the entire indoor space (there were so many!) pulsing to the music, listening to the music and the vocals...there was even some guy shouting out to a certain part of the lyrics haha, it was a fun energy, almost like wotagei-like.  It made me really happy to be there, to be a fan, at this place, where we were all gathered to celebrate Sanrio and what makes it important to each of us.

The boat ride got me a little emotional too -- despite again, this being the third time going on it, haha.  Something about going into Kiki and Lala's room and seeing them along with all of the stars, I think it really means something to me.  There are these two sections of the boat ride where you come out of the character-themed animatronic rooms and just come out into the large indoor auditorium/hall where everything else is.  At those times, the music stops and you're just in the boat, slowly floating by in the water, as you look around from above and can see the crowds below, and all of the decorations around you.  It's a peaceful feeling. (I guess it would be pretty exciting if Nakayoku Connect was going on at that time as well, haha)

Really there is quite a lot to see and do at Puroland.  This time I got to eat some curry shaped like Cinnamon too :3  There were several things I didn't even get to see or do -- the line for the My Melody car ride thing (which I went on last time) was too long throughout the day, and sadly, Little Twin Stars Twinkling Tour was closed =( =( =(, plus, we got to some of the shops a little too late (there was a Wish Me Mell store! ='(  ), and we didn't manage to have time to ring the "Bell of Happiness", haha.  I had a brief inkling to return to Puroland again another day, but I knew in my heart that I shouldn't, that I should just make the most of this visit and make sure to say my goodbyes to the place as I left.

There is something special about Sanrio to me.  It's more than just a bunch of cute characters, it represents something a little more.  Of course, not everything about Sanrio is for everyone.  I think the diversity of characters reflects the diversity of experiences; maybe fans of Gudetama and Aggrestsuko may be different than fans of Wish Me Mell and the Little Twin Stars.  Maybe there are people who really just think "oh, it's just some cute characters".  Or some people where all they are interested in is collecting merchandise.  But when I was at Puroland, even surrounded by people in a foreign country, I felt that we were all able to celebrate something together.

 

 

I bought some knives at Japan, shopped a lot, ate at various places, saw the cherry blossoms in bloom.  I got to see so many things, and went through so much too.  There is too much, too many feelings to distill and to blot down.  I realized that I don't actually want to.

There are some times for which writing things down in words helps you to digest them.  To put them into sentences, to form coherent thoughts and stories about your memories and feelings, and then to understand them more fully.  Sometimes, to reflect, to reminisce, sometimes to regret, or to cry.  I don't think this is one of those times.  Perhaps this, is what it means, to "live in the moment".  To think about what you want, in the current time.  What you need, in the current time.

As a person, I think it's extremely important to be true to your past self.  How else can we move forward successfully in life?  How else can we respect everything that came before?  How else can we be certain that the future will remain true to our present, but by making sure that our present remains true to our past?  But there are times -- even last night, I had one -- where we realize that something we don't need something that we planned in the past.  That we are holding ourselves back.  I guess you could say it was a visceral experience (?), I had, last night.  That I realized what I needed, what I wanted.  And I realized that I could accept that, and care for myself.  To love myself.  To =try=, and enjoy life, even in the midst of stress, hardship, and sadness.

 

There's a famous story about Lot's Wife walking out of the city of Sodom, and how she was turned into a pillar of salt because she deigned to look back upon the city.  There is a similar story, about Orpheus and Eurydice -- how Orpheus faltered in his resolve and turned back to look at his lover before they were out of Hades, and loses her again.  There is of course, historical and narrative context around this; of the idea of obeying commands fully and precisely, and of following the letter of god(s).  But there is another viewpoint to take regarding these stories, which both deal with the idea of "looking back".

"Lot's Wife" is a poem written by Anna Akhamtova, which you can read here in its entirety: https://poets.org/poem/lots-wife

Sometimes looking backward serves only to bring us grief.  To remind us of a painful past, to reopen fresh those scars and wounds which we try to hide and heal.  But is it not human nature, to feel this sense of regret and longing for our past?  Perhaps it is simply an evolutionary adaptation -- one that compels us to form stable bonds with our progeny and our communes.  But I feel that it is a part of the human experience.

In "Turning Red" there is a similar moment, when the main protagonist chooses to "look back" instead of pushing forward.  That scene really struck me when I watched it.  The sudden stab in your heart as you realize that you don't want to let go.  That you don't want to give up.  That you just want things to be as they once were.

There was a time, when I had to say goodbye to a close friend.  I spent my remaining time with them, close by their side.  I played our favorite song together, and tried to sing to her, through tears and a choked voice.  I told her how thankful I was for her presence in my life.  How good she had been.  She had always been so good.  But when I rose up to leave, I realized that I was not ready to say goodbye forever.  Maybe I never would be.  I went back to her.  I told her that I loved her again.  That I loved her so, so much.  That I would never forget her.

 

Lot's wife was one who suffered because she chose to turn back.  I, too, may suffer as I turn back toward what once was, and remember about all of the things that I can no longer have in my life.  But it is still what I choose.  How can I not?

"It's not too late, you can still look back
at the red towers of your native Sodom,
the square where once you sang, the spinning-shed,
at the empty windows set in the tall house
where sons and daughters blessed your marriage-bed."

[...]in my heart I never will deny her,
who suffered death because she chose to turn.

16th Journey - "Are you sure?"

As is annual tradition, I brushed the dust off of my Playstation 3 for the anniversary of a very unique game, "Journey".  I've done a playthrough every year for the anniversary event for some time now, it's a nice sort of yearly tradition and a chance to reflect on life.  Like a virtual pilgrimage, of sorts, really.

It's funny, when Journey was still a newer game to me, I would think about how I felt like I didn't play the game as much as I could have.  I knew others from the old TGC forums who would talk like old, old, old veterans, having explored every nook and cranny both inside the levels and out.  I suppose my place in the Journey community now mirrors my place in the Social Dance community in a funny and weird way -- someone who has been around for quite a long time, and developed their own way of doing things, yet not necessarily the most knowledgeable or skilled.  And perhaps a bit of a loner too =P

Anyways, where I was going with that is that nowadays I actually feel like once a year is a perfect amount to play the game, I've become familiar "enough" with the sights and landmarks and all.  Well, except for the fact that I wandered around lost in the Pink Desert again -- some things never change, haha.

I activated the flyers in the first level (broken bridge area) and had some fun chargeboosting to the top of the level, as well as out of bounds, briefly visiting the hidden tapestry and skybox area in the back.  I was finishing up and wandering back to the top of the broken bridge when I noticed that I had connected to a companion -- a red cloak who had been activating the first two segments of the bridge while I walked around out of bounds.  I stood on the top level of the broken bridge, near the history lesson point, and briefly observed the reddie from afar.  They seemed normal enough.  I briefly wondered if I should play a harmless little prank on them and wait for them somewhere interesting at the end of the level, like meditating in front of the history lesson.  Or ooh, what if I stood motionless while they sat down, but then during the history lesson, moved to a different place altogether?  Hehe.

In the end though I decided to keep my distance and that this was not a companion that I would go out to greet.  Interestingly enough this really fits with what I had written in my Viennese Ball 2023 post a couple of weeks ago...

Right.  I forgot to mention probably the most significant thought I had over the course of this Journey, which was the moment I felt when I booted up the game to start a new journey and was met with the prompt "Current progress will be lost.  Are you sure?"  I already wrote about this yesterday, so I won't belabor the point, but that really stuck in my mind for a while, and would continue to be a theme for this Journey, based on what has been happening in various parts of my life.

For the time being, though, I had gone through the Pink Desert (albeit losing my way a bit) without much incident, and in the Sunken City area, managed to clip out of bounds and had some fun exploring the backstage / glittery sand area.  I actually spent quite a bit of time wandering around out of bounds there, climbing impossibly-steep sand cliffs.  Interestingly enough, I realized that since I had not seen the history lesson, the trigger for the next level was not active, and I had to end up clipping back into bounds in order to proceed.  On the other hand this let me sit peacefully in the cool little spotlight area past the history lesson, which felt really nice.

I didn't want to explore out of bounds in the Underground, so I pushed through there at a relatively brisk pace.  I did do my flyer-assisted chargeboosting in the Tower level though, making it all the way to the top again :)  That is starting to really become a tradition of mine now...it's always so interesting how these virtual spaces really become "known" to you when you go back to them again and again over the years.  I'm sure there are people who can navigate the first level of Doom 2 in their sleep, or know the Mario 64 worlds like the back of their hands.  This begins to be something a little similar, I think.

I actually managed to clip out of bounds in the snow level this time by myself -- a first for me I think!  I did it using the chargeboost spot near the beginning of the level, and had some fun exploring various parts of the out of bounds area.  I've only really ever been there once or twice so it was a bit exciting, yet also a little monotonous as there was just a lot of slow trudging through flat or steep snow.

Along the way there were a couple of interesting thoughts I started having.  One was that, well, I had triggered the super-dramatic music for the "death march" at some point I think.  So that certainly gave a treacherous feeling to wandering around in the out of bounds area.  I also was able to reach closer to the "mountain" than ever before, I think, while wandering around back there.  It really seemed like if I just kept walking I would be able to reach it.  However, I began to also become increasingly worried that I would drop into the death march, without ever having stopped by to visit my favorite location in the entire game, the little lantern rest area in this level.

So I turned around, clipped back in bounds, and made my way back through the level, backtracking until I finally reached the lantern room.  I approached with a little bit of trepidation as the very tense music was still playing.  Would the music shift at all as I approached?  Would the lantern even still light up?  To my relief, the dramatic music subsided and gave way to the peaceful and serene lantern room ambience.  I lingered there, as always, setting my controller down as my in-game avatar sat in the warm glow of the light, watching the cold wind and snow blow by outside.

I began to wonder as I sat there, whether I should really complete this Journey or not.  What was wrong with simply remaining in the lantern room forever?  Did I really have to take the death march and ascend to paradise in order to call it a "finished", a "fulfilled" Journey?  I knew that eventually I would -- I wanted to see the rest of the game, and complete the arc of this story.  But I did wonder what it would be like, and why.

Recently in life I have been thinking about how -- and whether or not -- to accept transient things as they are, rather than pining for them to remain with me.  As I considered these things, I thought about the role of the other companions you meet along the way in Journey, as well as the ancestors that interact with you in the history lessons.  The ancestors are a constant.  They are always there, and will always be there for you.  In the past, I have even had thoughts of looking up to them -- they have ascended, in a way, and are forever there, forever peaceful.  But in the end they are just NPCs.  I will never have the same sort of experiences with an ancestor as those times that I had when I was able to journey with companions such as Gilorien or raisin.  The ancestors are static, that is both why they last forever and resist change, but also why they cannot truly fulfill the need for companionship.  And it is the opposite with the other companions -- they offer "real" company, but they will always be separated from you at the end of your journey.  I didn't have any deep epiphanies as I was thinking about all this, but that is what I was thinking about.

Interestingly enough, the death march wasn't as traumatic and fearful as it usually was this time -- because the music had already been triggered before.  Normally as I go through the death march I'm reminded of all of the pain and suffering -- it tends to bring to the surface all of the pent up feelings of sadness or hurt or stress that I've been ignoring in my daily life, and reminds me of how life can be incredibly difficult and unforgiving.  But this time it didn't do that.

As I emerged into Paradise, I for some reason was really drawn to the two large scarf whales that rise up at the beginning of the level.  Perhaps, because I had been basically companionless for my entire Journey (especially so when I was out of bounds), I really desired their company.  I went through most of the level, hastily, in an attempt to chase after them, to catch them.  I had never realized how fast they travel through the level!  I wanted them to wait for me, I wanted to play with them.  Finally in the last open area I reached them, and they sung their whale-like song as I stood atop one of them.  It brought me to the golden beam of light to ascend to the peak of the mountain, and then dropped me off.  But there was no way I was going up to the light yet!  I turned around and chased after my whale friend again.  I didn't want to ascend...I wanted to play more!

But as cute as the scarf whale was, in the end it, too, was also simply an NPC.  Preprogrammed to fly always in the same path -- taking you up to the golden beam of light, and dropping you off.  In keeping with this Journey's minor theme of early music triggers, the "final ascension" music had already played (as I had refused to fly upward), which meant that I was left in Paradise without any music at all, without those familiar staccato violin strings.  That...was actually a lovely experience, to simply wander around peacefully with the sound of the waterfalls, the gentle cooing of the whales, and my deep resonant chirps.

Eventually it was time to go, and I walked into the light by myself before watching the credits roll.

Recently life has been suggesting to me to live in the moment.  To embrace the beginning, middle, and end of all things equally.  But I'm not sure.

Something I confirmed during my Journey today is that when you leave the lantern room, the lantern goes out.  Forever.  Even if you walk back to the room, the lantern will never turn on again.  The peaceful music won't come back.  The light is simply gone out forever.  Extinguished, by the fact that you left.  That made me sad to think about.

Would it be wrong?  To simply stay in the lantern room.  Of course, there is not that much to do in that room.  Maybe it's obvious that you should move on at some point.  But I'm beginning to wonder whether I enjoy the peace of the lantern room more than the free and open air of paradise.  Which one is more important to me?  Is it worth giving up what I have now, in order to start over and continue to experience new things?

"Current progress will be lost.  Are you sure?"

There's quite a bit to talk about, I feel like.  I took my annual playthrough of the game "Journey" yesterday, but unfortunately I'm short on time so the write-up on that will have to come some other time.

I did want to write that it seems somehow that life is pushing me toward "living in the moment".  Encouraging me, not necessarily to "take a chance", but more like, accepting things that may be transient, and enjoying and appreciating them while I am able to, rather than pining over things lost, or losing faith that things will not last.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it, to be honest.  Of course, being "present-minded" is a good thing, it is how we are able to truly enjoy and experience life without so many of the fears, attachments, and expectations that are commonplace to us.  But those very fears and attachments are also important to me as well.  Just because they hinder "living in the moment" does not make them useless to me.

And as always, I of course worry that it will change who I am too drastically, if I start to "live in the moment" too much.  This is because I believe and know, that what I choose to do affects who I am.  It is for that same reason that it has been important to me to find a dancing style for myself that I am happy with.  Because the way that I dance, can slowly affect how I am as a person, just as the way that I speak to others, or choose not to speak, also affects how I am as a person.

Yet another new thread of fate lingers in the air in front of me.  It's up to me whether I choose to reach out for it, only to have it snatched away from me again, or whether I choose to simply watch it drift in the wind.  "You already have so many scars from tripping and falling," life seems to be telling me. "Do you really have to try so hard to reach all of them?"  I'm not really sure anymore, really not sure.

Is it more sad to go back to where you once were and find out that nothing is left for you?  Or is it sadder to never go back at all?  Why is it that I get so easily attached to places that are empty?  Why do I feel such strong connections to relationships from my past that I know were not deep at all?

What I will write about my Journey playthrough for now, is that before I even started it, as I went to start the new game, I was told on the screen, "Current progress will be lost.  Are you sure?"

I really wasn't sure.  Why would I want to lose my current progress?  It was a silly thing to get hung up over, of course.  It was just restarting a video game, one that I was literally intending on playing through again, and the "progress" that I would lose was just some test playing that I was doing the night before.

But it still gave me pause.  "Current progress will be lost."

I feel sick

I do go back and read entries in the past, from time to time.  Usually the way that I do it is that I go back to entries in the same month, but in previous years.  Kind of a snapshot of "What did I write, this time, last year?  What was I like?  What was happening to me?"

From last year I found this one:

But who will praise you for the things you =didn't= do?  The words you left unsaid?  What will your reward be when you stay the same?  When you are the last one who hangs on, you will be all alone.  And what then?