I'm both happy and sad, but I know exactly why I am happy and I know exactly why I am sad.

why am i awake

Stood out on the field after watching the band kids.  Not my field anymore, not even close.  But it used to be there.  Went out and told the DM that she did a good job.  She probably had no idea who I was, but it doesn't matter ^^;  K actually recognized me this time, hah!

I was standing out there and I couldn't help but feel jealous of those kids.  Getting to march a show like that is simply wonderful, amazing.  Seemed even cooler than any of the ones I did, but I'm sure I'm not really thinking about it objectively.  Sure is cooler than standing up there on the podium and being DM, that's for sure.  Damn, why the hell did I give away my final year of marching?  Haha, no, I don't regret it; all the stuff that I could do as DM made up for it, but still, nothing really beats actually being out there.

Anyways, I was feeling jealous of them, but it just hit me today that being in Deca is almost like being in colorguard--hey, it's the one section I never got to be in through my years in band! (winds?  check.  pit?  check.  drumline?  check.  DM?  check.)  And it's like having 100% good kids!  Well, they're not even kids at all, which is probably why it's so much better, huh?  And hey, we even have great section leaders!

Back to the band room...once more.  They're having their final home show in about an hour.  I'd rather see them for senior 8s and such, but I might be doing OHC at that time.

How will it feel?

Don't ask until you're ready to hear both responses.

Big tech companies, why u make internet suck so much?

Hold me...just hold me forever...

I think that in at least some way, I was still right.  But I guess I've changed...I think this is the first time that I caught myself realizing that I was also really wrong in a lot of ways.

It's really weird to look back upon something that I felt so strongly and not feel that anymore.  I guess time really does a lot to you.  Time, and people too.

Can I just blame PMS?  I know it's not, but can I?  Why do I feel the need to, anyways?  I should be more honest with myself.  I don't like people who aren't honest with themselves, after all.  Isn't it a strength to be able to just say who you are and believe in it?  That's really funny.  It's really ironic, actually.  Because it wasn't until I started doubting doubting myself, that I started seeing other people just being themselves as being so admirable.  Does that even make any sense?  I don't know.  Why was I wanting to cry again?  Not out of sadness, surely.

My blog was pretty irresponsible, wasn't it?  Did you know that I used to identify as a misanthrope and a misandrist?  I was, too, I think.

Can you face yourself?

Trying to be perfect has always been one of my biggest imperfections :)