What exactly do I want life to be like?  I don't think I'm quite sure...I don't think I'm sure...

JaSmix went really well, almost perfectly to be honest.  The only real blemishes were the almost-snafus (that thankfully didn't end up coming to fruition), and then me not having enough time to host a workshop I guess, but that second one is a blessing in disguise since it let me rest easy during the event itself.  The "right" number of people showed up at the end of the night and we were blessed with a relatively cool summer evening (2019, was it...?  the year where we had a ton of people and it was really hot too...).  It was great getting to see everyone out and having a good time, validated the work that I put into the event.

Going to try and take tomorrow as a day to focus on Rhythm Quest stuff -- at the very least, just do a bunch of charting, if nothing else.  Maybe I can take a break by working on my monthly drawing (which has been a WIP for a while; started it over a week ago and then got busy with other stuff).  It's not exactly the most encouraging when people tell me that my progress is too slow, but hey, that's life.  This is why I'm hoping to engage less and less with people who want to tell me things about my game...

I'm always a bit weirded out....disgusted...?  Mmm...ashamed?  Maybe those are too strong words....it always feels a bit "icky" when I conform to gender stereotypes and roles.  Probably because when we think about them (or when I think about them), they always feel like they're so often framed in a negative light.  Men are like this, women are like this, gay people are like this, asian people are like this.  None of it really feels good and I guess that doesn't just cut one way, it just....cuts everyone in every way, really.  It feels bad to hold those judgments, like feeling like I'm not supposed to talk about feelings with other men or whatever, it feels bad to "be a man" because there is so much negativity bundled with it.  Sure, it makes life difficult when I don't conform to gender norms, but it's also "safe" in a way because I get to just be something different.  It offers the hope of not having to feel shame for all of the negative stuff that's normally associated with whatever bucket you lump yourself in with.

So when I'm able to take pride in my cooking, it's "safe" not just because I'm bucking the norm (like the rebel I am...), but because it means I'm safe from judgment in men not knowing their way around a kitchen or how to use a sewing kit or whatever.  Sure, I may be in a male-dominated profession, but "it's different" because of how I engage with my work, or even how I "show up" or even carry (or dress) myself.

But when I think about being avoidant or emotionally unavailable or afraid of vulnerability or being unable to express feelings, or being a loner, not being able to support other people's emotions, all that stuff, of course it just feels bad because those are "bad" things, but it stings a little bit extra that these are stereotypically associated with my birth/main gender.  Maybe hurts even a little bit more since there are times when I think I didn't use to have some of these issues, and then maybe I did later on.  Eh, or maybe they just didn't have a chance to manifest...

Of course, it shouldn't =really= matter what gender things are typically associated with, least of all for someone like me who doesn't bother trying to slot into any bucket or anything like that.  But the negativity associated with it is still pretty ingrained in me, it's hard to escape.  All those years ago I wanted to make sure that I could escape it entirely, just become someone else, perhaps.  But I think that's just pretending, at least for me.  It's not like I can truly become someone else, right?  I would still be me in the end, in some way.  My shame is my own to carry, to feel, and to release and set free.