Thursday, November 7, 2013

I've had this feeling recently, that I don't have a direction.  It's weird, because I know things that I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I like and dislike.  But somehow, it seems like I'm just sort of going through the motions sometimes.  Have you ever felt that way?  I'm not sure what it is, really.  What do I really want?  Where am I going?

It's raining today.  The atmosphere is really different here.  It's quite beautiful outside, but somehow it feels different.  Somehow it's not a kind of beautiful that would make me go outside and skip around and breathe in the fresh air.  Maybe because it's foreign and unfamiliar, and there are so many associated thoughts swimming around it.

Why did I start drawing, I wonder?  It's fun, I guess, but really, what is my reason for drawing?  I told my idol once that my reason is because I saw other artworks that evoked strong feelings in me, and that inspired me.  Is that really the reason?  I wonder, sometimes, if I'm just trying to follow along.  I don't think that's it, but sometimes when I sit down to draw, I can't really figure out why I'm doing it.  I don't know what I want to draw, maybe.

The tempo of life is...I'm not sure where it is, actually.  I've lost a sense of time, of rhythm, of flow.  I don't think it's like life is moving too quickly, or that I've "lost my rhythm".  More like I can't seem to sync up; that I can't even sense the natural progression.  Things change, but am I feeling it?  It feels rather surreal.

That feeling of dread went away, I think, for now.  That's really a relief...I really don't want that feeling.  The thing that worries me about that feeling, too, is that it's so new and foreign and strange.  It didn't used to happen, so when I feel that way, it just makes me think like something is wrong; that I went down the wrong path somewhere.  What path am I on?

I wonder if I just need to try and find a way to smile and be happy.  Is that all that it is?  Maybe everything will seem so simple if I can do that.

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