You're ok

I'm a little scared today, to be alone.  But today, perhaps more than before, I'm starting to realize that it's not the "alone" part that's the bigger deal, it's the "scared" part.  Or the "sad" part, or whatever it is.  Because I know I can feel that way when I'm not alone, too.

I'm beginning to understand what the different feelings I have mean.  If my stomach feels a certain way, maybe it means I'm hungry.  If it feels a certain other way, maybe it means I have anxiety.  And similar to that, maybe if I feel a certain way, it means I simply have emotions that are bouncing around inside, with nowhere to go.  That's why it's tempting, to wish that someone else were there, so that they could have somewhere to be received.

But like, just because another human being is there with you doesn't mean your emotions and thoughts will just settle down and magically go to some better place.  Being with someone brings its own emotions, too, right?  It brings new emotions for you, and also new emotions for them.  Connection can be a wonderful thing.  But we live lives where we cannot be in a constant state of connection, no matter how many different "friends" you may have on each social media platform.

I could tell sometimes, that I was trying to distract myself from my emotions, even though I knew what they were.  At other times, I try to sympathize with myself for them.  Sometimes it helps to just talk at myself about them.  We are all human.  We all have feelings, needs, and desires.  And at each moment, there are so many of them that can't possibly be fulfilled.

What will you do with those feelings?  What would "she" do?

5 out of 5

When I'm evaluating my overall state of being and happiness, I usually find it easiest to go with a 5-point scale...

A 3 out of 5 is the default score.  Notably, 3/5 is above 50%, so it feels like it's "generally, slightly positive".  Things aren't great, but they aren't bad either.  They're just "good" in a normal way.  Doing the things that I normally do.  Getting some amount of forward progress done -- not necessarily on many things, but one or two things, at least.

A 4 out of 5 is not entirely uncommon, but still something to be celebrated.  It either means I'm having a really good period of my life, or just that the day itself went well.  Maybe I was able to do a good mix of the things that make me feel accomplished and good (writing letters, working on my game, doing art, cooking).  Maybe I just really enjoyed some nice white tea.  Maybe I went to a social dance event and it went well.  Or maybe I hung out with a friend and it was nice.

A 2 out of 5 usually means something is wrong.  It could be something discrete, like being stressed about something coming up, or feeling sick, or not having enough time.  But often the "2 out of 5" days are the days where I'm just feeling that slight dissatisfaction with life.  A lot of the time it manifests as long-term mild loneliness or depression -- depression of the type that makes normally-fun activities and daily life seem not as exciting or pleasant.  But sometimes it could just be that I kind of let the day while away and didn't get to any of the things that really give me sustenance.

The 1 out of 5 days are, thankfully, rare, at least nowadays.  It usually means something particularly bad happened, usually of an emotional sort in nature, but every once in a while it could be something physical too, like covid or having an allergic reaction or whatever.  Strings of 1 out of 5 days are almost unheard of, but they have happened.  Usually those are the big disasters in life -- the things that end up forming into trauma afterwards.  I can think of a few times when that happened, and they were really bad.

Every once in a while you get a 5 out of 5 day, too.  These are probably as rare as the 1 out of 5 days.  Sadly, sometimes they don't get remembered as much in a specific sense, but that's because in order to be this happy it's not necessarily the case that something specific has to be happening.  It's not like the 5 out of 5 days only happen on special occasions, rather, it's a matter of things really lining up in life to make it happen.  It's really easy to call a day a 4 out of 5, it's much more rare to really go all the way and say it was a 5 out of 5.  Often the fact that my day =can= be a 5 out of 5 is already something to celebrate, because so often life has some negative factor or other that seems to simply precludes it in the first place on most days.  The nature of happiness means that consecutive 5 out of 5s don't really tend to happen very often, but it has been possible, too.

Today...was one of those rare days.  Again, it's not even so much the day itself that deserves celebration, but rather the fact that life is in a place where it's even possible to reach this level of overall happiness and satisfaction.

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride...

...or a perfect daughter

Balancing / Fanime 2025 / Self-Worth / Burnout

Life is indeed, like a balancing act.  But the analogy extends to more than just the act of weighing different parts of life against each other, trying to find the right equilibrium for yourself.  Sometimes, life throws unexpected things at us.  If we are already struggling to find our balance, it's more likely that we'll drop what we are carrying as we scramble to catch these things.  And when we do, it takes more effort to bend down and pick back up the pieces that it does to simply maintain something that was already in harmony.

Sometimes you need to adjust your balance.  Other times you might need to move to a new location.  It turns out that walking (or running) while doing a balancing act is hard, too.  Sometimes you have things that are securely buckled down, things that you are holding onto tightly such that you know they won't fly away.  But not everything is like that.  When you need to, what will you do?  Will you walk more slowly so that you can keep things steady?  Will you try to tilt the tower in the direction of your goal, and then run after them to catch up?  Will you put something down, to lighten your load and let you move more easily?

=====

I didn't really write about Fanime 2024, but I guess I can say a few words about this year.  Fanime 2023 continued a trend of being "chill".  This year continued a different trend where my experience has become more and more about supporting and celebrating those friends of mine who staff at Fanimaid Cafe.  And I didn't really have a problem with that, really.  I was happy to lie low and to "condense" the other parts of my con experience.  All in all, I had a surprising amount of success with that.  I played some TGM2+ and got doubles clears with A-zu-ra and Kitaru, including a new PB (by like, 1-2 seconds, after 12 years lol).  I didn't spend a ton of time shopping, but I browsed a bit and picked up some nice things.  I stopped by Sakuradragon's booth as well and had a nice time chatting with the folks there.

Thanks to me not really spending as much time wandering the halls (or maybe just a sign of the times...) there was only one person who stopped me for a photo, but it was someone who was happy to see Journey representation and we chatted a little bit; I told them about the yearly anniversary event that happens and how I still try to play every year (....though I haven't been these days, sigh).

So yeah.  It was good...it was enough.

=====

There's been a lot of internal work and struggles, confronting sadness and all that, about self-worth.  I don't really know what to write about it here, I guess I've sort of touched on it a little bit already.  I always knew that I easily take things personally, that I have a lot of insecurities, all that stuff, but I think what really hit hard for me was the thought of "what would it be like to think that I'm enough" and having a lot of trouble even visualizing or comprehending what that is like.  I don't know if I've like =never= felt that way, but it feels so foreign and out of reach to me now and I was =sad= about that, like downright sad.

And it's not like the thoughts and feelings around this are anything new, I've already =done= a lot of feeling sad about being discarded, or being unloved, or all the frustrations that my younger self had, blahblahblah.  But just because I've done a lot of feeling sad about that doesn't necessarily mean I'm =done= feeling sad about them, and also doesn't necessarily mean that I've healed from those wounds either.

It takes work to heal from those things.  Maybe a lot of the time we don't think about it because like, it seems like the natural way that the body works is to be all resilient and heal from things gradually -- almost automatically -- over time.  Wounds close and even if there is some scarring there, things get fixed up, patched up.  But like, I had a surgery many years ago and there's actually a part of myself that maybe hasn't fully "healed" yet, it's something that if I want to ever restore it actually requires active effort.  And like, I don't know if that will ever happen, actually, but shouldn't I be trying to do that, not just letting it be?

=====

I may not have learned how to be in a healthy two-way relationship from all of those letters I wrote to all those people, but I did learn a thing or two along the way about my side of relationships.  What it's like to put in effort, what it's like to put in =too much= effort.  There is this really natural tendency that when a relationship is not working out I just want to put more into it in order to "fix" it.  The problem is that there is this point where I just don't actually have enough capacity and positive energy around it, and it just ends up burning me out and making me bitter.

I've learned to recognize that feeling and to try and rein myself in, but it's still a difficult balance to strike at times.  Because there =is= merit to making sure that you push yourself to show up in relationships during the times when it isn't necessarily the most easy or "fun" and all that.  Being deliberate and consistent and all that has always been one of my strengths.  But as I said, there is still a point when putting more into the relationship makes it worse, not better.  It's something that I'm trying to be mindful of.  I've certainly been on both sides of that balance, I think.  There was times when I put too much effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  But then there was also a time when I put too =little= effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  It took me some calibration to find what was best for me.

And it's...complicated.  I still have complicated feelings about all that energy and effort that I spent back then.  I have complicated feelings about how I don't spend as much effort now as I did before.  Is it "good" or "bad"?  I think it's easier to say that it's "good", but I also don't think it makes sense to just place a value judgment on it.  I think it's because it's not obvious to me anymore what a "good" relationship is like.  Maybe that is in itself a sign of maturity (?), that I don't think that is a trivial answer, because maybe it just depends.  Just like it seems like a folly to chase after "rules" for relationships because isn't the whole point of a successful relationship that it's tailored to bring happiness to the actual people who are a part of it?

On feeling like shit

This is probably not what you think it's about, but...sometimes we make mistakes, and it's like, yeah, we shouldn't be rewarding the people that make mistakes, right?  We call them out for a reason?

But like, think about all the times when you made mistakes in your life, what was the thing that you needed most then?  Sometimes you need humility, yes, but what about all those times when you needed forgiveness, grace, acceptance even?  When was it that you felt most motivated to pick yourself back up, admit that you could do better, and feel good about it?

What if becoming a better person didn't involve feeling like shit first?

 

This is a weird and perhaps hidden (insiduous?) problem with our online spaces, it usually doesn't feel like the right move to offer forgiveness, grace, and acceptance because when we're in these spaces everything falls down to the lowest common denominator and if there is something to be taken advantage of, it will.  That random stranger on the other side of the interaction has as little accountability toward you as you have patience for them, and so perhaps it just "makes sense" to adopt an antagonistic attitude because that's been proven to at least illicit a response, regardless of if it effects positive change.

And it's like...feeling like a piece of shit DOES work, it =does= make you want to change.  But not only does it not feel great, it also comes with all of these nasty long-term side effects, ones that I'm sure you've all realized a thing or two about (if not, maybe a therapist can tell you about it).

It's sad because some of us don't even need the other person telling us we're shit, we tell it to =ourselves= whenever we make a mistake, and what then?  There's no such thing as a safe space to make a mistake anymore, because there's always someone there to judge us for it.  And so we just live life in a way such that we just never feel like we're making any mistakes anymore.  Maybe we learn to stubbornly ignore everything that goes wrong and assert that we're always right.  Maybe we learn to just work three times harder than anyone else, we learn to prepare for every possibility so that nothing will go wrong.  Or maybe we just learn to never try anything that we don't already have a guarantee of success at.

I want to believe there's a better way, even though I've never really known one.  But I think it takes time, and love.  A lot of love, from a lot of people.  One in particular.  Maybe not the one you're thinking of.

And even as I say these things, like "you are enough" and "you are loved" it still doesn't erase the feelings of not being enough, of not being loved.  Sometimes you just won't feel like it.  Or, maybe, you never did in the first place.

What is it like to be the one left out?  And what is the path to redemption?  Will you forge an identity off of being a loner?  Will you resolve to be better, try harder next time?  Will you tell the world that you don't want anyone else to have to feel this way?  Or will you simply be sad, because it was painful?

What can you do for that person who feels like nobody valued them?  What can you do for the person that you don't love, but who needs love?  What is it that you need to feel whole again?  And who are the ones that can offer it to you?

You are enough, even as you look at all the things you can't do.

You are loved, even if you need to remind others to show it.

You will be cared for, even if you need to ask for it.

You don't need to change, even when you fail.

You deserve the best, even though you won't offer it to yourself.

 

Black in MtG is a self-centered and self-focused color.  The focus on "self" is actually more of a secondary point, but stands in contrast to White as I think that is the axis on which they are opposed (good for one vs. good of the group).  Black's aim is "power" and often we see that as not being virtuous because of all the associations with one person having too much power (and focusing only on themselves).  It's easier to see the problems with "too much" of Black (corruption, amorality) vs the problems with "too much" of White (disregard for individuals, dogmatism).

Correspondingly, it's also harder to pick out the positive traits associated with a self-focus.  Things like independence, self-sufficience, and yes, perhaps even self-care.  I think most people don't associate with Black as a color because of what I already mentioned, but funnily enough I think Slytherin house did a better job of making those ideals seem a little more approachable despite the house being super maligned.  I mean, that makes sense; Black spells are full of things like monsters and devils and decay whereas Slytherin might have a bunch of people of questionable character but at least they're human and there's a wide variety of them (some which you'd hope are not so one-dimensional).

Marco (from Animorphs) would probably be the one most aligned with Black.  It's not so much that he's self-centered, but more that he's willing to sacrifice other things in the interest of self -- "self" extending to the people he cares about.  It's a more personal definition of community and humanity rather than an abstract one.  He "sees the bright clear line" and I think that to me is a symbol of "ruthlessness" (I guess that trait is associated with Sultai, the wedge centered around Black).

Rachel would be Red for sure.  Ax, blue.  Which leaves White and Green for cassie, jake, and tobias.  Tobias makes more sense for green than Cassie, but I think Tobias feels more conflicted with this aspect than he draws strength from it.  Cassie I think would be White, and Jake...well, maybe he's just special.

Anyways..........

If I could give advice to my younger self, I...wouldn't.  The thing that my younger self needed was...support, during the times when it was hardest.  And by that I really mean compassion during the moments where they were most vulnerable and tender.  How many times did I reach my hand out only to be batted away?  How many times was I thrown off a cliff to fend for myself amongst the wolves?

Where was the gentle voice, telling me "it's okay"?  Where was the helping hand, reminding me that I'm not alone?

"It's not so hard", you say, which rings true to me in my heart, but also doesn't capture just how hard it IS, how long it has taken to reach even this point that feels not even a fraction of the way up the mountain (which, of course, is not the point, anyways).

NY trip, Maybe Happy Ending, etc.

It's not so hard to let somebody in
Just think how long it's been
Since somebody made you smile

....we're back.  We done good...it was a good trip.

There are many things and I don't think a full-on report is in order, but I'll try to touch on the highlights, at least.

I was staying in Manhattan for a relative's wedding.  Was initially thinking that I'd do what I normally do and stay at somewhat modern airbnb for 1-2 people and cook for myself and have a peaceful time, but ended up not doing any cooking actually; maybe if I had a bit less plans like I have during some of my other trips to the East Coast...

The food I did have was real good for the most part though!  Wasn't exactly sure what to expect but actually just a striking concentration of good ethnic food (is it a faux pas to use "ethnic" in this context?  I  know using "ethnic" as an instrument category is definitely iffy...).  Had some okay ramen (alright, not the best, I'm sure there was better, but it was close by), went to a nice Izakaya place.  Had some palak paneer at an Indian place, I actually like mine better hehe.  It's pretty interesting seeing how different the general palak / saag dishes can be, this one was quite on the creamy/liquid side but I've had them that were more coarsely blended / had more texture and a deeper flavor as well.

Probably the most exciting meal was when I had green pepper mao xue yang at a sichuan restaurant, what a surprise to find that!  Duck blood, eel, beef tripe / throat, bean sprouts...wish I had like 3 other people so that we could split it and also order something else to feel like a more balanced meal, but I also just kinda felt like I had to get it, just because...

The wedding itself was fun!  I made some conversation with some strangers, ordered a tequila sunrise (which prompted multiple people to ask me what it was and order one too), did some glowsticking, etc etc.  The food at the wedding was tasty too, I enjoyed it!

I went to see "Maybe Happy Ending", a seemingly not-well-known yet also widely lauded (weird...) musical that I'd sum up in one word as being about "love", I guess in two words I'd sum it up as the title of one of the numbers, "Why Love?"  I don't think I care to overanalyze the work or anything, but it came to me at a pretty relevant time in my life I guess -- I don't mean because love is in my life, I mean just more generally because I think I've "been around the block" at least once when it comes to love...I think it's pretty clear that MHE explores different sides of love, and different kinds of love too.  Romance, sure, but also heartbreak.  And the "honeymoon period" not just as it applies to a romantic partner but perhaps also to life, and perhaps how the question of "why love" ends up having different answers once that is over.

I don't think MHE plays in that much the same space as Princess Kaguya, but they tangentially touch on this same idea of "life (or love, attachment, whichever)" leading to inevitable sadness.  Love ends, life ends too, there's that whole idea of "life being ephemeral" with the fleeting sakura blossoms and all.  And yet we find ourselves investing anyways.  Maybe Happy Ending I think posits a much different flavor of answers to "why love", I feel like Princess Kaguya doesn't really "answer" the question per se, because it didn't really have to -- it just showed me that I =already= believed in life and all it had to do really was "remind" me of that.

Maybe Happy Ending was both subtle and intimate yet also intense and wrenching.  It's on the shorter side yet also made me think about it for a while.  It's this interesting little thing, almost paradoxical to me when I think about it too much.  Like, I thought it was somewhat predictable yet not stale at all.  Somewhat cheesy but...actually not, like it felt really real too!  I'm not sure exactly how to talk about it other than I sure appreciated being able to see it.  It's not like when I talked about Tunic and I was like OKAY GUYS here is why I felt incredibly moved by this ahhhhhhhhhh.  I was touched by Maybe Happy Ending too, I think it's just a less grandiose sort of thing for me personally, but still just as important.

Helen Shen (Claire)'s songs really did a lot of the emotional heavy lifting for me, though honestly I think a good handful of the songs in general really did have something very resonant in them for me personally.  Like I said, it was a nice time for me to encounter it.

Speaking of nice things!  The other big highlight of the trip was going to drink tea!  This is my first time going out to find tea shops on my own while traveling and it was the best thing ever!  I definitely overcaffeinated myself and got tea drunk/high after spending like 5 hours across two different tea shops.  It was so lovely, I felt totally at home and so content that I could find such a nice and peaceful experience even in an unfamiliar city.  I was so grateful for the quiet time I shared...

I didn't get a ton of "work" done during the trip, but wasn't really intending to, anyways.  I recorded a bunch of input files for my alttpr timings/videos, so I'll have to go through and leverage those once I'm back at home proper.  Also did some actual practicing on just boots movement and strats, and three casual boots seeds -- one where I FFed out after screwing up and dying in GT, one that I didn't finish due to the flight ending, but the third one I did on the return flight back home and that one felt great -- did it without a tracker and performed admirably for where I'm at!

I did some more game theory number crunching / programming for that as well, just to kind of appease my own curiosity with the whole "how aggressively do I want to play", and it seems like "skip EVERYTHING" isn't necessarily the answer all the time, but it's more of a sliding scale based on all of the different variables that we as rando players already track in our heads.  So I think I'm back to thinking that I should play kind of how I was playing before I started thinking I should just skip ALL slow checks.  But this whole exercise has given me better understandings of like, what checks =should= I look to skip and how much do they cost me?  Etc.  In any case, the one race I'm going to put on is something where I'm a little more incentivized to skip aggressively because the more people there are in the race the more you want to be aggressive because you're not going to come in first as often otherwise. 

But that stuff is for another day.  For today, we can do a little bit of patting ourselves on the back.  I think we did okay.  The next thing coming up is Fanime, and then the Mentor tournament (and JaSmix planning.....).  I'm feeling not the greatest about the JaSmix stuff, I'm going to have to remind myself to take it easy with that and just take it step by step.  Mentor tournament should be fun though, I'm looking forward to that for sure!  And Rhythm Quest will just have to take a backseat to it all as usual.  That's fine...it's life.  It's =my= life, at that.

So far so good......