Feeling so ughhhhhh so much anxiety!

Unsure of myself, but then I listen to my music...so much good music...I have so much awesome stuff that you guys don't even have your hands on yet.  My album with A-zu-ra is really awesome, and you guys haven't even heard any of that yet.  My Strobo Nights mix is REALLY GOOD.  Lullaby of Flame is still really awesome, and new people are finding it because I got featured in Extra Credits.  Sayuri's Reel is still awesome.  And there's so much more that you guys don't even know about, seriously.

It didn't used to matter what I say in my blog, I think...I could just say anything.  But it does now, I feel like.  People are watching, people are reading.  It's funny, because I always used to complain about how posting on my blog is always like shooting stuff into the void, and nothing ever comes back.  But now I feel it, I feel presence watching me, and it makes me stop and think about what to say, what to not say.  It's not "free" anymore, I feel like.

My blog used to have so much complaining and bitterness...well, more bitterness way long ago, and after that more like complaining, complaining about CCRMA and Facebook and people sucking and everything like that.  Now it just feels like...I shouldn't say such things.  People are paying attention...I shouldn't be so negative, because being negative is just...it has too much weight.

Writing letters feels really awkward now, somehow.  Like I don't know what to say.  It's really really weird.  It used to be simple...I would just write whatever is on my mind, whatever has been happening, whatever I'm feeling.  Why is that so difficult now?  It's because...sometimes what is on my mind is things that I can't say.  Or sometimes what I'm feeling is something I might not want to admit?  I don't know.  Just that I have that sensation now, of not being sure what to write about.

It sucks so much, to lose my voice like that.  I wonder if I'll get it back?  Ah, I'm probably overreacting a little bit.  My letters aren't -that- much different, I guess.  I overreact quite a lot, don't I?  But see, before, I would never question myself about that...I could just overreact, and whatever is bothering -me- is just what I would write, because that's what -I'm- feeling.  And who would have a problem with that?  Who...?

Also, I went to Golfland for minigolf for the first time in a long long while the other day...I did totally awesome!  The east (?) side, the hard one with the dragon, I did pretty good, but had a few holes where I got 4, 5, 6, which was ugh.  Hole 18 with the big square hill seemed less tall than I remember for some reason, but I think I'm just imagining things.  On the west/easy side, I got 3 or less for every single hole, which is awesome...I'll have to dig up my score cards and see if that's a new record ;P

Did I mention how awesome Journey is?  I was really close to crying...

Life!!!!!

I'm out of the swamp, out of the dumps, doing some living...

I think I can finally relax a bit now.  Been working really hard on stuff...and it all turned out really well!  Stuff at work is unfortunately dragging on a little longer than expected (hah), but it's okay in general.

I've been building an MtG cube at work, which is really fun.  The card list is here, if you're into that.  It's a Return to Ravnica block cube, pretty fun stuff...I've already made sweeping reforms to it twice, so it's an interesting design process.  I wonder if I could get into game design someday...ha ha ha.

I played Journey!  omg...it was SO GOOD.  Better than I was expecting, even.  I mean, I knew it was going to be good, and all, but didn't know it was going to be -that- good.  I knew all about the thing with interacting with other people, and that it was emotional and such, but man...so powerful.  Really well done, really well done.  Like watching a movie, except five times more awesome.  So worth it...

This blog has been so shoddy and sad.  I wonder what its future holds in store?  I really don't know.  But this might be a turning point...?

I was going to write about a lot of things, but then I think I'm deciding to just go to sleep instead.

I really...don't know what I want to say.  I think I know what I'm thinking, but I'm not sure what I want to say here anymore.  Sorry about that. ^^;  Sorry about everything.  Really.  I'll try better from now on, okay?

"...but if there's a time when everything can go back to the way it was, that'll be great.
I hope things don't change anymore.
Because the most important is the memories.
I don't want a future.
So even though I'm here right now, there's no meaning to it.
If everything goes back to the way it was,
then maybe I'll disappear.
There's no meaning to my current existence.  As I could disappear at any time."
--Ritsuka, Loveless 2

Be happy when you can, be sad when you need to...

When the going gets tough...it's a chance to try harder!  :)  I still believe in it.  That when you feel like you haven't been in contact with friends, it's a chance to go and contact them.  When you feel like you haven't been getting anything done, it's a chance to go and do something!  When you feel like you're bad at something, it's a chance to practice.  To be the best you can be.

Years and years ago, I did this, when the last night rehearsal of my junior year of marching band didn't go well.  That was the time when I walked to school, early in the morning, and did marching basics out there on the field.  I even tried to march the show by myself, heh.  Just me and the field, up until sunrise.  What a great experience...

This past week has been something else.  Sheesh.  I won't even try to recap.  Why even bother?  Like...holy crap.  Is it over yet?  Maybe?  Who knows?  It shouldn't matter, to worry about it.  Just do what I can for now, right?  That's the spirit...just doing whatever I can.  Step by step, little baby steps...

Everything should just stop, okay?

Somehow I've been moving along just fine, but now, everything just seems so jarring, everything is swirling around.  Is this the same as before, or different, I wonder?  I wonder...should I just try to be happy?  Or should I not?  "Whatever I want,"...what is it that I want?  Do I want to be cheerful and happy?  Or not...?  Am I stressed?  I don't know anymore.  This blog...is really terrible, isn't it?  I'm still so hard on myself.  When will I ever give myself a break?  Maybe I should just take a break from myself.  What does that even mean?  Does that make any sense at all?  Why would I do something like that??  Isn't who I am important?  So why...why......is it so painful too?  Ugh...

It's really weird that I would be the one that needs to slow down, to be brought some peace and quiet, to just take things easy, just relax...really weird, just because hey--didn't I used to be good at all of that?

It's been a weird couple of days...life just has a really weird feeling right now.  I find myself loving all of the things that help me reaffirm who I am...writing letters, making music, spending quiet time with others...everything that is familiar and comfortable, I just take comfort in having something that I know, something that is "right".

I guess I'm just a little bit off balance...