Life has been hard.  As I reflect upon how I've felt these past weeks I give a silent thanks to the forces in my life that have helped to uplift me during these times.  It's not always the same things every time, or even the same people.

I started playing some Super Metroid map randomizer and that has actually been quite enjoyable!  The seeds are pretty okay in length -- shorter than your average ALTTPR open seed usually, and I'm sure it'll get shorter still if I actually get better at playing these.  It's been something nice to look forward to here and there.

Miraculously, I managed to install some third-party lithium ion batteries in my Cycle7.  Still honestly a bit astounded that I managed to get that all working.  It's not ideal -- the batteries have a lot less life (and are much smaller to boot), and we'll have to see whether that ends up being an issue or not (I mean, worst case I guess I just say to hell with it and just live with using it wired most of the time), but I feel quite accomplished, having sourced the batteries, ordered a JST connector set, and jankily crimping the wires by myself (despite them being too large for the 1.0mm JST connector, jeez leweez).  I'm actually driving using my Evo80 for the time being, but will probably switch back onto the Cycle7 soonish.  Really enjoying the sounds of this Evo80 as a nice contrast though!

Like I said, it's been a little rough lately, but I had some time during my drive today to reflect on exactly what I've been feeling and thoughts on how exactly I might move forward and approach it from here on out.

Comfort has always been something that I've talked about, and there was a long, long (too long) period of my life where comfort was simply not an option.  =Safety=, in the emotional sense, was not even something that seemed like it was on the table.  So I had to settle for resilience.

I felt a little bit of that, this past week.  I really didn't recognize it at first!  I thought I was just stressed out, anxious about not having done enough work or something.  I mean, it was true that I was having trouble focusing, and feeling more drained, and certainly a lot more uneasy than usual.  But it wasn't just because I had been being lazy.  No, it was simply because I had already used up all of my batteries on my emotions, on second-guessing myself, on things like these.  I've heard about this sort of thing before -- how for example, maintaining a facade exerts mental energy and thus runs out your metaphorical "battery" before it can really be used for other things.

Thinking back on it I'm struggling to understand how I was ever even remotely functional during those earlier years.  I was stressed out and anxious and neurotic all the time, wasn't I?  How is it that I managed to get anything done, sheesh?  I can't even imagine.  I guess human beings are terribly resilient creatures.

I'm not really certain I understand what is "home" for me, besides vague feelings and associations I have with it.  White peony tea, I guess.  Letter writing, and something about feeling like I don't have to change if I don't want to.  Sometimes I feel like I've really drifted so far from what I thought was true.  I'm no longer forever searching for Kiki among the stars.  Have changed some things about who I want to be.  "Is it really still me?"

And yet, today, when I stood on the edge of the dancefloor, in between moments of connecting with people, in between all of the undertones of considering how I should or should not act, in between the times when I watched the other people dancing, in between my realization that "hey, maybe there's not actually that many people here who really know how to connect well in a dance".

In between all of that, I looked up and I stared at the dim light hanging from the ceiling, and for a moment I was back.  I was outside Roble Gym, staring at the night sky above the grassy field, while behind me the hubbub of the dance continued inside.  I was in the courtyard, listening to the sound of the fountain.  I was on my high school field in the dim hours of night before the sun rose.

It's not that I'm the only one who has these experiences, or bothers to look at these things.  That's not the point at all.  It's simply that for these moments, I feel close to understanding who I am, because in those moments, I am alone, in my own space.  Not tied to anyone, nor beholden to any way of being.  There is a sadness in being by yourself, but there is also a comfort in it.  I wouldn't be able to give it up.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to", I told myself today.