Back to the Band Room (2024)

Things are better.  There are ups and downs, and usually that isn't super ideal, but when there's more ups than downs, we take it.

I didn't really manage to catch up on Rhythm Quest and letter-writing work these past 1-2 weeks, so that's sort of borrowed time that I'm attempting to try and see if I can pay back.  I started on it in earnest today, which was a good start.  What I'm working on right now is a big refactor of the song browser, so in that sense it's a little difficult to chunk down into really small work units, but at the same time, it's not super creatively challenging, even though there are some interesting UI decisions to be made.  It's not the most difficult thing to work on, which is good.

Letter-writing has sort of had to be shelved for the past week as I've been busy with activities and such, and I didn't make it out to Teance either, but there were some outings and such that went nicely, and even a new friend made, or well, not completely new, but you know what I mean.  I don't really make a big point of keeping my "Awesome List" around anymore, but in that vein or spirit of thinking, the people that I've connected with have mostly just stayed at a distance.  Rarely, maybe one person will just gradually squeak in, after our relationship develops more.  But it's been a long time since the last time that someone so definitely just made it in.  It's a cool feeling.

In other news...after having missed it last year, I made it back to the Band Room this year for the kids' last rehearsal.  I feel like with every passing year I see that group change more and more.  Not necessarily a bad thing, not at all, but it's just interesting to see the changes go by.  It had already been a while since they replaced Senior 8s and 8s with the "Seniors-only" performance, but now there's even a Senior "roll call" walk out of sorts, each one with their own "entourage" (usually family members).  I have some interesting thoughts about all of it -- about how some things are probably better, but also about how it misses out on some other elements of the old experience.  I feel like hardly anyone has the full context to really understand it though, so I'll try and keep it more on the brief side.

I think senior 8s and 8s was more of an "experience".  It's a simple exercise, but it's also the one that sticks with you the most through Marching Band.  I think it's really apt to mark both your "coming of age" as well as the passing of the torch to everyone else.  The senior-only runthrough is definitely it's own sort of special thing -- memorable, sort of funny, kind of impressive as well.  It's a little more about the show.  But it's less about a connection between the seniors and the rest of the underclassmen.  I think both are good, although the structure of the night itself probably runs a little better now.

The whole senior entourage thing, that's interesting.  I think for the most part it's great.  I think for many kids Marching Band is unique, or at the very least rare, in being a community where you find a sort of belonging, or at least a desire to both be part of a greater whole but also to be recognized as an individual amongst your peers and the people you care about.  Getting to leave some words to the rest of your mates is nice...I'm not sure if they still do "senior speeches" after the fat lady sings, but I know there were past years when that has not actually gone super well, so maybe this structure is a better way to achieve the same thing.

It was cool seeing how supportive and tight-knit everyone was there.  Of course, in actuality I have no frickin clue what these kids' experience is =really= like.  I'm a complete outsider at this point and I'm sure everything is really different.  But from the outside, at least, the energy feels different.  It made me wonder how much of that was due to the program itself changing, and how much of that was due to just the individual people (me) being different.  Of course, I think it's both.  But I really have to say, I think the former seemed like it played a huge deal.  I'm sure with these kids, too, there are cliques, people who care more and people who care less, troublemakers, mediocre performers, you name it.  But seeing everyone cheering for each other and really getting together as a unit, it really felt qualitatively different.  Hah, talking about it honestly makes me jealous.

Of course, there are other relevant differences, too.  They're significantly smaller than we were, that's quite undeniable.  I guess covid-times will do that, although even in 2019 when I visited they were a bit smaller, I think?  But anyways, one marching snare, one marching tenor?  To just give you a sense of things proportionally.  It made the show a little less impressive, of course.  They still had cool and fun moments, but you don't really get the same experience as a small group, and even =we= were small to begin with.  I'd like to say that we executed better too, but...well, that's hard to say.  There's always such a range of people, and when I say "we" it doesn't even refer to a single group.  But anyways, maybe it's not a bad thing that they're smaller.  Maybe it helps.  Maybe these kids just have less emotional turmoil going on.  Maybe they don't have to dissociate and stay hypervigilant all the time.  Maybe it feels like they've got each others' backs.

It makes me think back on my years and how things ended up the way they did.  I learned a lot through those years, and grew really fast.  But there were things I never had the chance to learn, either.  It just wasn't in the cards, or even the deck, at the time.  That's okay though.  It just wasn't the right time, or the right people, or the right support, or the right anything.  Those were things to learn at a different point in my life.  At that time, I was learning what it was like to succeed in something despite hardship.  What it was like to be a leader.  To hold responsibility -- even if that responsibility was misplaced and misguided.

Looking back on it, it's hard to see how it could have really turned out otherwise.  I tried really hard in my Junior year.  I think everyone knew how much I cared, even if my personality at the time still had all of its rough edges.  Well, I say that, but maybe not everyone =really= understood.  Maybe I was the only one who really knew back then.  Having walked to school for the first time in the wee hours of the morning, before sunrise, so that I could just practice out on the field and have my own moments there.  For hours, at that.

You know, that whole thing about walking to school at 5 in the morning or whatever, is just so interesting to think about now.  Of course, it was a memorable experience, I think it was really important for me; so much so that my beloved section (who I couldn't really be with the following year) and I had a little session after one of our competitions where we went onto the field in the middle of the night and just did some short exercises, so that we could feel a little bit of that energy, together.  Sure, it was a little awkward, maybe it could have gone better, but it was special, too.  If you ask those people who were there, I'm sure at least some of them would really have it stick out in their mind, over many other things that happened that year.

But more than that, it's just so fitting, isn't it?  That one of my most memorable experiences involved just me, alone out on the field, just me and the grass and the night sky.  That sort of solitude has been vital to my lived experience, and I keep finding that time and time again wherever I go.  Whether it's practicing taichi by myself, or walking outside of Roble to spend a few seconds gazing at the moon outside of the social dance floor.  There is something really important about being alone for me.

And, of course, it's also funny because when I was about to call it for that session, before people actually started showing up for school, I tried to do a runthrough or two of the show by myself.  Of course, it's like terribly hard to do that without any visual references or anything, so it was a bit awkward, but that was an interesting little experiment, too.

That whole shindig (I haven't really thought about it for years now) sprung out of feeling upset at how poorly the previous night had gone.  It taught me that from adversity I can just fight and try harder and turn it into something great.  I guess I sort of took that attitude into my senior year, too.  I pushed through all of the struggles and tried to pay no heed to the stuff that was getting in my way.  No, our band during my senior year wasn't as good as it was during my junior year.  I can't make magic happen, ha ha.  But I was respected, and I made a difference to some people, at least.  That much, I know.

But it's been a while since I've had that attitude of turning adversity into greatness.  I...don't really want that for myself anymore.  I prioritize comfort too much for that, and that is...My Way. (pardon the pun)  I feel more ready than ever to achieve, when...it's not a big deal.  When it's not something I have to do.  When I don't feel pressure.  There is a whole post I could do (again) on selective mutism, but I'll save it.

I already knew, going into my senior year, that if I wanted to be drum major, I would be.  It was just up to me to decide whether that was right for me.  I didn't realize just how much I'd be giving up in that moment.  I mean, I knew I wouldn't get to march, and I knew that was a big deal.  I guess I knew it would be tough, too.  Ah, maybe I honestly did realize how much I would be giving up.  But someone had to do it, no?  When I walked into the room and the other two candidates were J.F. and I. (um...sorry, don't actually remember his last name lol), it was kind of like "oh...so it's like this, then.  I guess we all sort of already know, then."

Maybe it should have been the two clarinet players.  I mean, the one who had the most "know" was our trumpet player, but there was no way in hell that was happening.  But I guess our clarinets didn't want to do it, either.  You can't just make someone do it.  But it's interesting to think back about it now.  Would things have turned out better, if it was them, instead of me and J.F.?  Back then, it took a long, long time for my big ego about being drum major to settle down and for me to see that I did both well and not so well.  Would things have been better for me if it was them?  Would things be better for me if it was J.F.?

I guess it's useless to think about.  It was the right time for me.  I think everyone else knew it, too.  I just wonder if them two would have been able to do better at it in some ways.  Or heck, maybe if it was just me and her.  Maybe I would have felt like we could have been a team?  Maybe not, though.  I probably just sucked at working with others at that point.  Like I said, it just wasn't in the cards.

I think this year was the first year where I went back and there was just nobody else.  Before it was two of the staff members who had been around (one of them had just started staffing when I was around, the other was a freshman...).  But no more...it was just me.  I mean, it's not really surprising; it's been 18 years after all.  Still, there was someone who at least remembered, when I sent a message to them.  They said they missed it.  It was interesting for me to hear.  Do I miss it?  Like......kinda.  Haha.  It's honestly closer to a no than a yes.  I miss being connected to many of the people, for sure.  I guess there are things that are really nice about the actual act of practicing and performing, too.  A real shame that that had to be stripped away during my senior year.  At least I got to play, haha.  But like, is it an activity I'd want to do with my current time?  Definitely closer to no than yes.  But it's all contextual anyways...it doesn't really matter.

It is interesting, though.  I keep writing about how I've been moving on from things more easily now, and I think that's actually true.  But I still keep these things from 18 years ago in my life in some way, too.  I move on and I don't.  In a good way, though.