I guess tonight was life's way of seeing my plans, and giving them a giant middle finger, telling me that it can do better, and that everything I thought I knew so surely can also be totally wrong.  And that maybe I don't have to be so goddamn cynical all the time, if I can only just put aside my standards and aversion to failure and open my life to a little bit of uncertainty.

Why do I keep on deciding that I have such a heavy burden to bear?  Who asked me to bear it?  Surely, not anyone else?  I said in my last post that I felt that I was at peace.  Perhaps that was true, but peace can come both from conquering your fears and also from hiding from them.  That is not to say that one of the two is necessarily better, contrary to popular belief.

It worries me, a little, that the energy of hiding from my fears, of sitting back, of being quiet, calm, collected, and not needing to speak my mind, seems like it's becoming more and more lost within myself.  I know it's still there, but somehow, in so many moments, a different side of me decides to emerge instead.  That side is fine, too, but when will the quiet me ever shine strongly?  Even if only for myself?

Well, that is a question for another day.  For today, I consider myself a bit humbled.  Maybe it's a bit fitting that life told me, in a similar way, almost a year ago, that I should be open to new experiences, and things that I might have otherwise written off.  Of course, a bit after life gave me that reminder, it had also given me a different middle finger, and I retreated to the hole that I've been hiding in for quite some time.  Oh, life.