But what =should= a friendship really be like?  I'm still not sure I know the answer.

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And I finally found a name for the emotion.  Not sadness, nor grief, not anger either.  Just, disappointment.

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There's only 5 days left in the month and I've made it through with my little experiment of dancing every day.  I actually =have= seen some improvement, minute as though it may be.  There's still all this stuff that I'm horrible at, but at least there are some things that I'm slightly better at now than I was before.  Perhaps that is all I can ask for in the end.

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BG3 continues to be...just fine.  Enjoyable.  I was really worried about Act 3 in multiple ways, but the performance issues seem to have been a little mitigated, the camera issues are....eh, okay, bearable, I guess, and I've managed to just avoid talking to most people in the city and just skip all the sightseeing, dashing straight for whatever the objectives are.  It's...really a mix.  There is this half of the BG3 pie that I think is really good fun; thinking about character builds, seeing your prowess increase in combat, that kind of thing.  Then there is some stuff that's perfectly serviceable.  The dialogue trees, the little D&D "moments", etc.  There's stuff that's kinda...mediocre, or just "there" -- the companionship/romance systems, the meaningless lore.  There's the bugs and unexpected situations -- areas being explored out of order, cutscenes not triggering, quests bugging out.  And there's the "why is it like this" moments of inventory management, having to click on 8 different traps individually to disarm them.  Overall it's....fine...

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One of my two 5:4 monitors finally crapped out -- nearly, anyways.  Noticed a buzzing sound start all of a sudden tonight, so I removed it from my setup despite the fact that it still works (for now...).  Probably something going bad with the electronics/power in there, so it's time to take it out of commission.  That puts me in a slightly awkward spot as I now have to rearrange my desk a bit to go back to 2 monitors.  I could invest in a second LG Dualup (probably the ideal / my current dream endgame setup) but I can probably make do without for now, if I'm being honest.  Maybe compact stuff a little bit more.

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Over the past week, had a couple of experiences with people who.......didn't seem super empathetic, or aware?  They didn't seem like they were very good hosts.  I don't really know what I want to say about it other than maybe it makes me appreciate other people (even myself?) a little more.  It's important, isn't it?  to check on the people you share company with.  But then again, maybe I only opt to do that in a specific way, too.

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The whole keyboard hobby thing continues to keep me pretty interested.  I've got some new parts coming in next month, but for now I got some keycaps to try out.  They don't go as well with my current keyboard in terms of aesthetic, but I don't have the other board to put them into yet, so I decided to try them out anyways.  They're thicker and sound nicer, despite being perhaps slightly worse for typing speed due to them just being all flat.  It's a nice aesthetic and feel, something I could definitely get used to.  I'll switch them back in the near future, but I'll look forward to using them again.

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I'm gearing up for more attempts at Super Metroid Any% speedruns.  I've been grinding the rooms and strats a lot, so I'm certain I can set a new PB if I just get more attempts in.  Right now Phantoon and Ridley are still big run-killers for me, especially Phantoon at the moment.  So I'll have to not only practice the Phantoon patterns more (always...), but perhaps even think about skipping some damage boosts on the way there to conserve energy for the fight, maybe.

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I've somehow been put in a situation where I'm...not trying as hard.  Not living up to my standards.  I still don't know what to make of it, except that I believe it's wrong.  It's something that needs to be fixed.

=====

Rhythm Quest level editor continues to progress, both quickly and slowly at the same time.  It's good that I've been working somewhat well on it, but it also feels like not enough at the same time.  It's a weird mix.

There's been a lot of stuff, I guess...

JaSmix came and went.  Besides a few very minor hiccups, everything went well; better than expected, even.  I knew that we wouldn't have the numbers that we once had, but I was also afraid we wouldn't do good numbers at all, or that nobody would stick around.  Seeing the energy level at certain points (and at the end) of the night harkened back to an earlier time in 2018 or 2019 when I realized that I had something great on my hands.

Really though, one of my main worries was simply that I wouldn't enjoy the event.  I haven't enjoyed many a dance activity at this point; I thought JaSmix would just be added to the list and then I would realize that there's no longer a reason for me to do these sorts of things anymore.  But it surprised me a bit in that way, too.  I could tell that I enjoyed it, that it was worthwhile.  I think it remains to be said, though, "why" I want to organize JaSmix.  That answer for me was more clear, in the before times, when I felt more of a sense of responsibility to the community at large, more of a sense of providing something for a space that I was involved in.  But I don't think I feel that way anymore, at least not in the same degree.  Does it matter to me whether people are offered a space to teach and learn at my event?  Does it matter to me how many people stay dancing through the night?  What would have made it different, made me decide that I didn't enjoy it?  Things going wrong?  Less people showing up?  One particular person not being there?  Those are questions that I can mull over.

My month of dancing continues.  I at least have made a few realizations about things that need "fixing", so there's that.  And even if it's a little bit at a time, I am getting practice in, though maybe not the most quality practice.  We'll see.  I'm keeping it up, at least.

Rhythm Quest continues to be blocked by both my schedule as well as my lack of energy, surprising for someone like me who is so constant with these kinds of things, but this isn't really the first time that this has happened for the project, not even the first time this year.  I'll be back at it, surely enough.  As long as it doesn't happen too late...

Baldur's Gate 3 has been fun.  Despite the critiques and complaints I may have about it, at the end of the day it's got enough fun elements (and tactical gameplay) that I can give it a pass, and spend time on it.  AT the very least, it's something that I have on hand to look forward to; that's something that I had been sorely lacking in recent months.

I'm taking a little break from Super Metroid Any%, but only after achieving a new PB, a 57:23.93.  It felt good!  I'm demonstrably better at not only a lot of the individual room strats, but also just techniques in general (stutter 3-tap short charges are no longer just a pipe dream).

Yesterday I felt soooo tired in the evening.  I barely managed to finish up an art piece for the month somehow before calling it a night.  Today I.....didn't actually achieve that much, but I also had to get dental work done for some hours, so I gave myself a pass for the rest of the day and didn't really have second thoughts about it.

So yeah.  I dunno.  There's good and there's bad.  There's the JaSmix success and the having to get a tooth crown.  There's the Any% PB and there's getting a parking ticket.  There's playing Baldur's Gate 3 and there's not working on Rhythm Quest.  It's sort of just a mix, ya know?

Aye.....today was a mixed bag, for sure.

For various reasons, I haven't been having the most restful sleep.  Chalk it up to either that, or a general lacking in mental health, but I was definitely suffering from anxiety at various points through the day, making it a little difficul to focus on stuff, be it work or play.

Still, I managed to record my daily dance video (day 3 of 31...can I keep it going?), and finish off a letter which I needed to get written.  That's not too bad, honestly.

I'm really liking the KTT switches in my keyboard; I'm glad that I decided to go with them in the end.  I can tell because there will be times when I simply want to press and hit / roll keys on my keyboard for fun.  Sure, I miss having the UT4xs installed, but I don't think I got this much pure enjoyment out of just pressing keys down when I had them.  ...and besides, I have another keyboard coming later this year, hahahaha... yes, I know I know, but this one fit the bill -- TKL (well, sans function row), well-built, comes with a pink option, and was being touted as being insanely cheap for the value.  I don't know which switches I'm going to be putting in that board, but I've got a couple of different options, and the aesthetic is going to be really different since this one is not going to be built around the POM Jelly keycaps (it also doesn't have RGB lighting...).

I still have more work to do on the stabilizers for my current board, but eh, not a super high priority (I'd like to do it at some point though).

Baldur's Gate 3 released today, to widespread excitement!  I checked it out briefly and it looks like it might be something that I could have a lot of fun with, actually, so I went ahead and took the purchase; the game is downloading now.  At the very least, it will give me something to look forward to and think about idly as I ponder what class / multiclass combination I want my main character to be.  That alone will provide me fuel to get through the days, I'm sure.

In other news, I started doing Any% (KPDR) speedruns of Super Metroid!  I've learned a few rooms worth of any% strats before (as I was trying to get better at execution for randomizer) but I decided that I really need to kick my SM execution into shape, so I decided to just try the KPDR Any% route.  It's been...quite fun, actually!  I finished my first two runs and have a time of 1 hr 2 minutes.  I'm sure with just a minimal amount of practice I can get that down to a sub-1hr time easily; then I'll have to see if I can shoot for sub 50 minutes, which I'm sure will be a lot more involved of a process.  But the run is a fun one; pretty intense at points but it's got a large variety.  I appreciate that I'm already somewhat practiced at some of the strats (the climb...) so it's not like I'm starting from square one or anything like that.

The day started to turn around later at night when I decided to drink some of my white peony tea.  This is not a tea that I find myself really craving; it's got a pretty bland / light / mild taste, I usually prefer something more earthy like a genmaicha.  But it has special significance for me since it was something I was really drawn to a while back, when my personality was more airy and ethereal (and frail...).  Drinking this tea reminds me of that time, of the peace and calm that can be wrought through simple tranquility -- disassociation, even.  "Retreating into one's inner sanctum", to put it a different way.  I reminded myself during a mild altercation today, that I don't =need= to do anything.  That silence can be safety, for me.  And nobody can take that away from me; at least, not for now.  I dunno...maybe it was just the caffeine that perked me up a bit, but maybe it was also the gentle reminder of doing something that I associated with calmness.  That feeling of staying up late, but not for any sort of stupid degenerate reason.  Just spending time by myself, getting my own thing done.  Peacefully.  Free of judgment from others.  That kind of thing.  That's what this tea reminds me of...gently.

There's still a bunch that I need to get done.  JaSmix logistics have, despite a hiccup here and there, rolled along smoothly...though I'm still nervous for whatever reason that nobody will show up.  Well, I'm glad I don't have to worry about teaching a workshop there, at the very least.

I have an ALTTPR video that I already recorded footage for that I need to narrate and make into reality, just haven't done it yet.  More SM running.  An ALTTPR seed that I'd like to run.  Some healthcare stuff to sort out.  But most of all, Rhythm Quest has been taking a backseat for a bit longer than I'm comfortable with.  Part of that is that my next big action item is a litlte daunting, but a big part of it is just that I've been in pretty poor condition to work on it.  Well, I'm sure I'll be back at it...taking care of myself comes first; I can force myself to work on it later...

I was back at doing One Hour Compo today, but didn't really come up with anything that I was satisfied with.  That's OK.  I've supposedly learned this over years and years of making music, as well as experience with rando...you can't always have successes every single time.  Sometimes your creative output just kind of falls flat, that is just going to happen.  For me, it's easiest to just accept and expect that, and when a song isn't working out, just call it quits and move onto the next one.  I actually started three different songs during the hour tonight, and posted two of them, and wasn't thrilled by either of them.  But yeah, that'll happen.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess.  I'm feeling a little more hopeful about it now than I was earlier in the day, at least.