Ludum Dare is impending...like last time, I've been managing to get things done here and there, but there are things which aren't going to be done in time...

First on the docket was updating Godot and, more importantly, evaluating whether to switch to C# from GDScript, now that Godot has C# support for iOS.  I played around with it for a while but in the end am deciding to stick with GDScript for the sole reason that I just want the instant project run time instead of having to wait ~3 seconds for the project to build.  3 seconds is admittedly not a lot of time, but it's enough time and GDScript has been working well enough.

With that all said and done, the Godot setup is "theoretically" all prepped and ready to work, though of course if I have extra time there is always more that can be done (though at this point it seems quite unlikely).  I don't have any rhythm game code written in GDScript, for example.  And recently some of my random ideas have involved either connecting to a dedicated server and/or using a REST API to hit a database.  I don't think either of those two are going to be ready for prime time, which is totally fine because I don't think they are super interesting anyways.  But at some point, it might be nice to explore.  Of course, there are always other priorities to consider...the Goodnight Meowmie Chinese translation for example still needs to get done, and then a new Watch for Falling Rocks build, etc. etc. etc.

First 5 xmas letters are all done, so that is successfully off my plate.  I've got 35 letters prepared for votefwd as well.  In addition to that, Snail Mail Social Club just got back to me (with impeccably bad timing...) so I'll need to write two letters in the next few days before LD.  I guess they will not be very long ones.

I got my ALTTPR seed out of the way as well.  Still need to record my Patreon video.  And of course do all the food shopping on Friday.  One other small victory, I finished one of my two songs for the Carole and Tuesday project.  Would have worked on the other one too, but that is currently blocked, so...I guess I'll just have to get to it after LD.

I got the inkling to maybe do lofi tracks for our LD games this time, but of course it always depends, and you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men...still, I went ahead and downloaded a bunch of loops and such, which I guess I'll play around with on Thursday as I do my music warmup.  Work stuff doesn't seem like it'll get in the way much, so that is nice.

I have been feeling a bit anxious these days, though I guess it makes sense why given all of the things that I've been running through my head.  I've been trying to do some alternate nostril breathing sometimes, in an attempt to recenter myself for example when I'm feeling uneasy before sleep.  I'm going to try to get some more physical activity in as well...and then of course there is blogging in this manner, which I can only assume helps in a way.

As it is, somewhat often, too often perhaps, there are these days when I can't figure out whether I am doing too much, or too little.  I can only assume that means I'm doing an OK amount, but perhaps it also means I am losing a bit of focus -- in that, I need to put some things onto paper, to shelve them and trust that I will get to them, as I always do.  But it is hard, because I know that this anxious energy is always part of the motivation to get things done in the here and now, lest they slip out of my fingers onto the floor and have to be picked up again, or left behind.

But you know what they say, about how if you're too busy to meditate for 20 minutes each day, you should meditate for an hour instead...

I probably don't have to say it, but it bears saying either way.  The reason I post about my struggles, anxieties, problems, and mundane life experiences is not to solicit advice, as a desperate cry for help, or to seek company.  Part of it is of course simple self-expression, and the fact that to speak and listen to something (as well as share it) helps to give both perspective and distance on it.  But a big part of it is also simply because I'd like to live in a world where struggles, worries, feelings, and everyday mundane things are normalized.  In high school I lived in a world where I stumbled upon blogs written by my peers that revealed that yes, they were struggling, struggling with many things in fact, many of which I did not understand and perhaps never would.  And that made me feel so much less alone.  It made these people feel real, and made me realize that it was not just me that went through hardships.

I don't know if I can say I have online social spaces like this anymore.  I look in my spaces now and see only the black and the white (and sometimes, a bit too literally, at that).  I see smiling faces, photos of food, memes....and also, protests, politics, human rights violations, and all matter of darkness.  It's starting to change just a little bit now.  In this "new" apocalyptic world it is more common for people to show that they are breaking down because it is now a new norm to not be "okay", to struggle and to stress and to share in the communal "what the fuck is 2020" "feels".  It's hard for me to really feel like that is "progress" though?  At least, never in the way that I ever wanted it to be.